This morning, while jogging, I had a revelation.
I haven’t been on a date in years.
Instead I’ve been…ugh…”hooking up”. First of all, I hate that fucking phrase. I used to say “hook up” instead of meet up. For example: “Hey Stacey let’s hook up later at the Valley party.” Ok first of all I don’t know anyone named Stacey and I don’t go to parties in the Valley. Which isn’t to say that I wouldn’t; I just never know of anyone who has Valley parties.
BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.
Lately my “dating” has been going to some dudes house and making out with him. That’s not a date. It’s kind of slutty. It’s backwards, too. I find that after I’ve gotten fairly intimate with a guy I realized that I’m nervous about asking him on a date and that he could actually turn me down. That’s messed up on all accounts. That’s not how it should go.
Here’s how it should go. You don’t have to pick me up, because I live in the Valley and you probably don’t, but we should on a first date meet at a restaurant or whatnot and NOT your house. I should not be in your house on the first date unless your first date is a house party. And it better be a good house party. There not better be any fucking red plastic cups. We’re not 19 anymore. Buy some fucking glasses. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.
We will meet at a restaurant and it will be a fucking classy joint. And we will maybe have a drink at the bar first so I can get all flirty and touch your shoulder and laugh and maybe even do my Blanche impression. Yes, Blanche from the Golden Girls, and yes, it is a great
impression.
Let me tell you this right now: you will pay for dinner. Yes, I said it. You are a man. I am a
woman. I am a hot woman. I am a sexy funny awesome hot woman. I am not paying for dinner. I am not going to split it. I am not going to do any of that shit. Because earlier that night I blow
dried my hair, put on make up, squeezed my Italian ass into a stretchy American Apparel dress, and shaved everything. And you’re a man. I don’t care if this is 2009 and I don’t care that Beyonce is running around in a leotard shouting at us to be proud single ladies: You. Are. Buying. Dinner.
You are required to treat me like Audrey fucking Hepburn on this first date.
By which I mean do not be a douchebag. Be a gentleman. Pretend that the entire datehas Camera Obscura as the soundtrack. Is that fuck music? No, it is not fuck music. It is clean and beautiful and adorable. Like our first date.
Do not invite me your place afterwards for “tea” because that’s bullshit.
You may suggest going to a bar afterwards or a cafe for dessert. That is totally acceptable and totally adorable.
You are going to kiss me at the end of this date, motherfucker. It is going to be so fucking pure and awesome that I should be able to hear Sixpence None The Richer playing in my head while it’s happening.
You will then make plans for
the second date, right there and then. You will not say, “I’ll call you.” You will not say, “I’ll text you.” And under any circumstances will you NOT say, “I’ll facebook you.” If you say that I will facebook your FACE.
Because then I will not be able to stop thinking about you. I will be reminded of you every time I see a green M&M or an advertisement for 1-800-CLOSETWORLD. Why? Because we will have private jokes about these things. I will facebook stalk you and look at all of your photos and imagine me in them. I will never, ever tell you this. And then on the next date I will kiss you so fucking hard your face will FUCKING SHATTER. CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT SHIT?
That is how you date in ’08. Crap it’s ’09 now. Fuck
that. Here is what you do NOT do on a FIRST date:
– “Hey, wanna watch a movie at my place?” Everyone and their Grandpa Fergeson knows that that is code for making out. Not only is that a skeezy first date but it’s lame too.
– “Hey, let’s drink champagne in my jacuzzi, what what.” This is not a first date either. I actually once had a guy ask me if we could do that in MY jacuzzi. I said, “You better be bringing the fucking champagne.” He didn’t. JACUZZI DATE OVER.
– The worst date I have ever been on was with some poor soul college kid who didn’t have anything planned and
had me meet him at Border’s. Yeah, that was it. So from there we wandered around Westwood and I had to convince him to get our palms read because I’m quirky like that. AND HE HAD NO MONEY SO I HAD TO PAY. Then he wanted to take me to his frat house so we could play guitar hero (GH had just come out so I guess this was kind of a big deal to him.) I would have gotten out of there but he was my ride so I had no choice. I watched him and his friends play Guitar Hero. Then he took me for a walk around campus. Yes. Then we made out on the grass. That part was OK.
But then…
then…
HE PEED ON A TREE. IN FRONT OF ME. WITH NO APOLOGIES.
We were walking and he said, “Hold on a second”, walked over to a tree, and peed on it. My mouth was hanging open and he said, “What’s wrong?” And I said, “Uh…you’re peeing. That’s what’s wrong.” And he said, “There aren’t any nearby restrooms that are open.” And I said, “You’re peeing in front of me.” DATE OVER.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I love you! You are amazing.
FUN. NY.
I seriously just laughed for like 5 minutes. That was amazing.
This was fantastic, and your sense of humor is also fantastic
This post kind of made my life. You are so right about everything. I nearly fell off my chair at the facebook thing.
How did I only just now find your blog?
This made my day.
Came across this article again today, and I have to say that this resonates with me more than ever.
Point, though: I feel there are a lot of girls who are not being raised to be women. I know that my mother gave me absolutely no guidance in terms of dating, men, or sex. She did not teach me to honor and respect being a woman or tell me what that means. I had to go learn that from someone else's mom (and am blessed to have been able to do so). There are so many girls out there that are willing to take what they can get, and guys who realize they have to do less and less to get them. People are getting lazier when it comes to relationship. They are afraid to get close to other people, of rejection, of getting their hearts broken, of showing who they are or their weaknesses. So they play it "cool". They keep things casual and superficial. This goes for men AND women. It's a vicious cycle.
I'm not afraid to say that yeah, I want an intimate relationship. I want to share my life with someone. I want a family. I want a man who wants those things also, and is not afraid to go find it. I will NOT know if a man is that person on the first date, or even the tenth. But I DO want to be treated like a lady. That does not mean drop $500 on dinner or lick my fucking toes with adoration. That means, begin the possibility of a relationship with some boundaries and respect. When a man wants to get to know a woman, he knows what to do. In the past, I have certainly been the woman, no, GIRL that has gone along with the passive guy who "hangs out" until you're both in a hazy mess of 'what are we doing here?'. I don't want a man who is too lazy/afraid to do three VERY SIMPLE things:
1. Ask the woman you're interested in for her phone number.
2. Use your telephone to DIAL this number, for a real, voice conversation.
3. Set a time/place to spend a couple hours getting to know this woman.
Believe me, if you do these three (again, very simple) things, I'm more likely to go out with you than the much hotter guy who texts me at 9pm wanting to know if I'm hungry. Why? Because you are showing me you are a grown-ass man who is not afraid, or even if you are, you do it ANYWAY because you know what you want. Now THAT, is hot.
Boring, you say? You want to hang out with close friends? Isn't the point of this first date to see if you actually WANT your friends to meet this woman? Even if it doesn't work out with that guy, even if there's no chemistry or there's nothing to talk about, I'll still have respect for him for standing on his two feet and acting like a man, and will certainly continue to bring my half to the table and act like a woman.
Boys should read this and take your words into action. For realz dawgz.
Oh my goodness, are you kidding? Thank YOU for being awesome. And it’s not the first time my ladies and I have given you a shoutout.
http://lisshen.tumblr.com/post/541004772/think-girls-are-a-mystery-dont-know-what-they-want
This is one of my favorite paragraphs of all time, probably. It sums it all up!
(BTW, the theme of this shared tumblr is basically “girls + badassery + writing + drinking.” Hence the name, which is always the first word you say when you’re a girl about to drunkenly expound on some badass ideas about writing. “Lisshen, so I was reading Anais Nin’s journals the other day…”)
‘SAWPPP. I’m a twenty-year-old straight male and I just read this blog and now I am rarin’ to go on dates. Now, clearly, given that I’m this random college-age kid who’s, you know, probably out to get his ass kicked a couple of times (metaphorically! in the name of love! or possibly literally, I mean, you never know these days), this may not be the best idea, but let’s just say I’ve been inspired because I WANT MY FUCKING FACE SHATTERED
yes, well, there goes my manlihood in a single comment
That’s fantastic!! Get out there!!!
Who’s the couple in the third photo?
I know what you’re thinking but the bro on the right is actually not Adrien Brody. It’s a still from the 1983 film “A Nos Amours” starring Sandrine Bonnaire (the chick on the left.) This film had some of the coolest fashion I’ve seen.
“Hey, let’s drink champagne in my jacuzzi, what what.”
Damnit. No wonder I haven’t had any luck lately.
I just want you to know I routinely show this to my friends when they chase after guys who don’t put in the effort. We laugh and then chat about how true it is- then we get drunk
I don’t know anything about you other than what is on this site, but lady, you are my kind of crazy.
Guys need to take care of their ladies on dates.
Paying. Most Def.
But I would also add getting the door, pulling out chairs, and walking on the outside of the sidewalk. It’s called manners, and it’s how I was raised.
And its not that you girls aren’t self sufficient, but rather, if a man wants to share time with you, he needs to treat you like a queen. Not all the time, but certainly the 1st 2nd and 3rd dates.
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