“Dear Luke Perry,
How’s it hanging, bro?”
No wait, that’s dumb, let me start over.
“Dear Luke Perry,
I’ve been thinking about you”
No that’s fucking creepy.
“Dear Luke Perry,
How are you? I know we don’t know each other so it may seem weird for me to address you like we do, asking how you are and such, but anyway I hope you’re well. Uh.”
I need to start over. Last time. I promise.
“Dear Luke Perry,
Look I’ll just put it all out there. I think you are criminally underrated as an actor. I don’t know who I would file charges against though. Not you. Maybe Hollywood? I don’t know. BH 90210 is a given but you’re so good in so many other things. Like when you appeared as a creepy dude on Law & Order: SVU, you deserved an Emmy. Or when you played that creepy dude on Oz. Emmy. Or even when you voiced yourself on The Simpsons and Family Guy. Emmy and Emmy. That’s like six Emmys. By the way, I’m not good at math.
I think you’re attractive, OK? Really attractive. I don’t know if we have anything in common aside from our mutual adoration of you. You probably like to read. I like to read. I bet you occasionally eat and sleep. I do those things too! I think you like to surf and I’ve never done that. But I would be willing to try. I would probably cry a lot and come close to drowning but I think that’s part of any relationship.
Whoa, I guess I’m moving a little fast. We don’t even know each other. And fan letters aren’t the best way of saying, “Hey I’d like to date you.” I get lovely fan letters but once in a while I get creepy ones. And it’s like, dude I’m not going to fly to Argentina to be your wife. I don’t know where you got that idea from my blog that that was even a possibility. But my readers, with the exception of that one creepy dude, are really fantastic.
But enough about me. Or maybe not, I don’t know. I’m pretty great. Not as great as you though.
Oh gosh, listen to me, gushing over you. Someone said they saw you on chatroulette. Chatroulette scares the hell out of me and I’ve never done it but I’d do it for you.
Why don’t you have a twitter? Is it because of people like me? I understand. I’m a little much. But on the plus side, I’m young, fun, smart, funny, and I love looking at things and talking and not talking. Also people have said that I have an almost crazy-creepy symmetrical face. I don’t know if that interests you. I’m just throwing it out there.
Anyway. I’d like to close with this: carry on my wayward son. They’ll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don’t you cry no more. And–”
Actually, you know what, it’s probably best that we never met.
Ring Of Fire — Amanda Jo Williams
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I hope you haven't forgotten about 8 Seconds. Stephen Baldwin & Lukey P. Genius. Caro Jones needs a posthumorous Oscar for casting those two together.
Oh, that's what it is about you, it's the facial symmetry. You know, my face is symmetric, horizontally (no, no; mouth on the forehead), and it tessellates, so, you know, call me.
WHY are you so funny, cool, flawless etc? You need be everywhere tbh.
You kill me!!
Cool read TA
http://juanne-pierre.blogspot.com/
i wish i still fit into my luke perry t-shirt. closest i'll ever get to having luke's face on my boobs i guess.