A Dating Flowchart.

Over the past month or so there’s been some confusion that I thought I cleared up with this post. Apparently it wasn’t as clear as I thought it was, and that’s okay. I made a flowchart. There it is. Look at it. Study it carefully.

I made this flowchart because it’s like every few months I come across a rusty knife and ask someone, “Hey, if I stab myself in the palm with this rusty knife, will it hurt?” “Yup.” “Okay, I’ll just try it anyway–FUCK THAT HURT!” Some time later: “Hey, if I stab myself in the palm with this rusty knife, will it hurt?” “Yup.” “Okay, I’ll just try it anyway–FUCK THAT HURT!” More time later: “Hey, if I stab myself in the palm with this rusty knife, will it hurt?” “Yup.” “Okay, I’ll just try it anyway–FUCK THAT HURT!”

If that metaphor confused you, simply look at the illustration above. It’s a picture. Pictures are fun!

Thank you.

If I’m In Luck I Might Get Picked Up — Betty Davis (no, not that one, the Miles Davis wife one)

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24 thoughts on “A Dating Flowchart.

  1. Drea

    So I’m on OKCupid now. My friends recommended it highly and I was in a cunty mood over the weekend and filled out my profile in a very sarcastic manner. Anyway, part of filling out your profile is answering some multiple choice questions, then answering how you’d want a significant other to answer them, and then rating that question’s level of importance. Then they send you a flowchart, much like the one above, that’s supposed to illustrate a, um… gauntlet, if you will, that an individual would go through to date you. MY ENTIRE FLOWCHART (save for one single arrow) POINTED TO NO.

    YOU ARE MY SOULMATE.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      omg omg seriously? OK CUPID IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

      but lol dude I totally get you. YES.

  2. Rahul

    I really didn’t make it past the Apocalypstick caricature, BUT, what if the person is hot, but you’re not physically attracted to them? Like Pauly D from the Jersey Shore. I actually almost wrote Pauly Shore. Ok, throw him in to that hypothetical too. Or any Pauly for that matter.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      “I really didn’t make it past the Apocalypstick caricature”

      O U BAD

      “what if the person is hot, but you’re not physically attracted to them? Like Pauly D”

      I didn’t make it past Pauly D.

  3. Gsouder

    It’s been a long time since I dated, I’ve been married for 10 year. That said, flow charts must make dating so much easier. Do you have a form to fill out so that a guy knows about the attraction level and the you know about the casually fucking expectation?

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I wish everyone had a form and that’s how we did these things. Then the romance.

      1. Gsouder

        I do think you need to get some more pre date questions down, I mean as long as you are asking, right? Just the basics, “Last time to the dentist?”, “quarter mile time trial speed (car or foot, optional)”, “are you over your ex-girlfriends because you made a skin coat out of them, or, anyone for that matter, and tired to wear it to the Golden Globes where everyone thought you were Lady Gaga and you totally were and now your famous but you can’t tell anyone your a guy so we have to be quiet about this date?”…

  4. tori

    you should do more handwritten charts, this is hilarz!

    your metaphor unleashed a traumatizing memory, though…of the time my little brother stabbed through his hand with a golf tee. ugh.

      1. DoubleV

        You should think about making a sequel, something like “now that date is procured, (fill-in-the-blank)…”

  5. Max Landis

    The way I see it: If you’re spectacular enough, the ex will be forgotten.

    It’s on you.

  6. Zofia Szeretlek

    Holy shitfuck shiiiiiiit this flowchart is so helpful and yet I’ll never actually apply it because I am hopeless and dating is a pit of misery, suck & total fail.

  7. dbraw

    I followed the flow…….made it right down to the bottom…but um…..where does oral sex fit in? I hear that the art of giving is a serious motivator.

  8. erin (aka bows & sparrows)

    I think you’re my new role model. Seriously. Oh, and can you please make screen prints of these? I need one.

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