Boyfriend dilemmas are a very special kind of pain and frustration. Our latest question for the Ask Apocalypstick series comes from someone who needs some boyfriend help.
My boyfriend of 15 months is mostly a pretty great guy, but a month ago he had a big freak out. Our whole relationship we’ve been talking about getting married, our future together, etc. But now I’m not allowed to mention the future or marriage or question why he won’t move closer to me. Should I keep dating someone who doesn’t want to marry me?? Oh yeah p.s we met in Australia and I moved here for him 4 months ago. — Anon
It’s very telling that you addressed your email to me with “when” should I dump my boyfriend, instead of leaving it open. It’s kind of like you know what you want to do. But here’s my advice.
The whole “not allowed” part worries me. If you truly feel that you’re “not allowed” to ask your boyfriend about major life issues that involve you, that’s not good. If you feel you can’t ask him a reasonable question like “why won’t you move closer to me?” that is also not good.
You’ve been together for 15 months. I can understand why someone would have a “big freak out” around this point in the relationship. He may feel that talking about marriage is expected and fine and good, but now actually taking the steps towards marriage is making him nervous. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to get married. It means he has to accept that he has to grow up and give up a life he’s been used to for years and years. That can be scary. And sometimes, people act irrationally when they’re scared. Which it sounds like he’s doing. He’s probably also feeling a tremendous amount of pressure considering that you moved for him.
I’m not excusing his behavior. He needs to be an adult. You need to tell him that you can understand his fear and concerns, which is why you’d like to sit down with him and talk it out. You’re a person and you’re worthy of his time, consideration, and kindness. Set a timer for an hour if you have to. If he can’t give you one hour of real talk about your lives, he’s not going to give you years of marriage. And if marriage is what you want, then you shouldn’t make any more sacrifices that aren’t headed in that direction and only make you unhappy.
What do you guys think? Help Anon out.
If you’d like to ask me a question, send it on over. Please note if you’d like to be anon or use a fake name. Also realize that by sending me your question, you are giving me consent to post it on my site and possibly edit it for length. I post questions every Friday. I give honest advice that isn’t mean. I am not responsible for your decisions or your future. It’s going to be okay.
Photo credit: Brigitte Bardot by Bill Ray for LIFE, via LIFE photo archives hosted by Google.