Ask Apocalypstick: When Should I Dump My Boyfriend?

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Boyfriend dilemmas are a very special kind of pain and frustration. Our latest question for the Ask Apocalypstick series comes from someone who needs some boyfriend help.

My boyfriend of 15 months is mostly a pretty great guy, but a month ago he had a big freak out. Our whole relationship we’ve been talking about getting married, our future together, etc. But now I’m not allowed to mention the future or marriage or question why he won’t move closer to me. Should I keep dating someone who doesn’t want to marry me?? Oh yeah p.s we met in Australia and I moved here for him 4 months ago. — Anon

It’s very telling that you addressed your email to me with “when” should I dump my boyfriend, instead of leaving it open. It’s kind of like you know what you want to do. But here’s my advice.

The whole “not allowed” part worries me. If you truly feel that you’re “not allowed” to ask your boyfriend about major life issues that involve you, that’s not good.  If you feel you can’t ask him a reasonable question like “why won’t you move closer to me?” that is also not good.

You’ve been together for 15 months. I can understand why someone would have a “big freak out” around this point in the relationship. He may feel that talking about marriage is expected and fine and good, but now actually taking the steps towards marriage is making him nervous. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to get married. It means he has to accept that he has to grow up and give up a life he’s been used to for years and years. That can be scary. And sometimes, people act irrationally when they’re scared. Which it sounds like he’s doing. He’s probably also feeling a tremendous amount of pressure considering that you moved for him.

I’m not excusing his behavior. He needs to be an adult. You need to tell him that you can understand his fear and concerns, which is why you’d like to sit down with him and talk it out. You’re a person and you’re worthy of his time, consideration, and kindness. Set a timer for an hour if you have to. If he can’t give you one hour of real talk about your lives, he’s not going to give you years of marriage. And if marriage is what you want, then you shouldn’t make any more sacrifices that aren’t headed in that direction and only make you unhappy.

What do you guys think? Help Anon out.

 

If you’d like to ask me a question, send it on over. Please note if you’d like to be anon or use a fake name. Also realize that by sending me your question, you are giving me consent to post it on my site and possibly edit it for length. I post questions every Friday. I give honest advice that isn’t mean. I am not responsible for your decisions or your future. It’s going to be okay.

Photo credit: Brigitte Bardot by Bill Ray for LIFE, via LIFE photo archives hosted by Google.

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10 thoughts on “Ask Apocalypstick: When Should I Dump My Boyfriend?

  1. Anonymous

    “If he can’t give you one hour of real talk about your lives, he’s not going to give you years of marriage.” right in the feels :(

  2. lynn

    I dated a guy for two years who seemed to fall for me really fast, started talking about marriage early, all that. Then all of a sudden (or so it seemed) he stopped talking marriage, told other people he didn’t want to be in a long term relationship. He broke up with me over the phone and ended up getting engaged to someone else 3 months later. Afterwards, I was able to learn more of his history and this was somewhat of a pattern with him. He would get really into a relationship very early, almost to the point of being obsessed with the person. Then it would end very suddenly. Not saying this is the case here, though.
    I guess to me it depends on whether you’re ok with riding this out for awhile and seeing where it goes. Is he still affectionate, loving, etc or has he shut down?
    Sorry you’re going through this, Anon. :(

  3. cantaloupe

    When you say “we’ve been talking about getting married, our future together, etc.” do you really mean that you’ve been talking and he’s been allowing it? My boyfriend could talk for hours about our future and while I agree tentatively to the plan, I am also far more realistic in terms of shit happening and nothing being for sure. And sometimes it is very grating to always have this pressure of “we will get married! Let’s get married!” Which isn’t to say that I don’t want to marry him, but rather that I don’t want to talk about it anymore because it’s not what we need right now. I want to just enjoy our time together and let the future be the future. It’s also frustrating when he brings up moving in together because it’s just not feasible right now, but he wants me to somehow go along with the idea in all its impracticality. So when he brings it up and gets offended that I’m not going to throw away my sweet living situation to live with him, it’s frustrating. And then when he takes offense, as if it’s about him and not the general practicality of it… I guess you saying that he should move closer to you just reminds me of that, and maybe he has valid reasons that you’re just pish poshing?

    I’m just saying, you’re presenting it one way and maybe your boyfriend would present it a different way.

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