Bad Alcohol Purchases I’ve Made And What They Say About Me

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My brother and I trying an oyster shooter. Honestly, it wasn’t REALLY as bad as it looks.

 

Friends, ’tis no great secret that I enjoy alcohol. And why not? To quote the brilliant Homer Simpson: “Here’s to alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” And when it comes to alcohol, I’ve had some problems.

But nothing serious, God no. I mean, I’ve had problems when it comes to buying the right alcohol. I’ve made some mistakes. Please learn from mine. Here are bad alcohol purchases I’ve made and what they say about me.

Root Beer Liqueur

root-beer-liqueur

Don’t. Just don’t. Photo by me.

I know — why on God’s beautiful alcohol-laden earth did I decide to make this purchase? There were a few factors. 1.) Root beer! Who doesn’t love root beer? 2.) My mom encouraged it and purchased it for me. And when someone buys you booze, you drink it and say thank you.

This sat in my cabinet for close to a year. And no, it does not get better with age. It is grossly sweet and heavy. Like some sort of diabolical cough syrup. It was like trying to drink an oil painting. An oil painting of sad.

WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT ME: I am still a little kid at heart who wants the best of both worlds: root beer and booze. I can’t have both. It’s time to grow up.

Ariel, the Non-Alcoholic Wine

Wikipedia

This is obviously the Little Mermaid Ariel. It’s more interesting than the bottle. Image via Wikipedia.

I was in a rush. I was broke. I went to the discounted wine section of the store. The price was right. The wine was not. The wine wasn’t even wine. It was basically glorified grape juice. Apparently, Ariel is a non-alcoholic wine. Which I didn’t figure out until I was about 5 sips in. “Why does this taste so…off?” I wondered. Then I read the label.

Yes, this is my fault for not reading the label. But what kind of sick fuck places non-alcoholic wine amidst the regular wine? It’s like they WANTED this to happen. Don’t worry, I cut it with vodka. It was…okay.

WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT ME: I need to slow down and pay closer attention to what I’m doing.

Southern Comfort

apocalypstick

No amount of bartending books can save this hellish elixir. Photo by me.

Janis Joplin chugged Southern Comfort (or “SoCo”) so I thought, if it’s good enough for her, it’s good enough for me. And it was, for a while. SoCo lime (Southern Comfort with fresh lime juice, usually taken as a shot) was fantastic. And then recently, I bought a bottle because it was majorly discounted.

Want to know WHY it was majorly discounted? Apparently, they changed their formula in 2010 or 2011 that made Southern Comfort more of a liqueur, and less of an actual whiskey. From Wikipedia: “Although the original product contained whiskey, the current formula for Southern Comfort only contains whiskey-tasting flavoring rather than actual whiskey (except for the premium version called ‘Special Reserve’).”

To quote Bruce Brian Billings, “Southern Comfort tastes like Southern vomit.” I tried to mix it with water and cranberry juice, which weirdly made it better, but I still can’t bring myself to drink it. I tried my beloved SoCo lime, but goddamn you need a lot of lime in there. Basically, it’s crap. It’s a crap drink and I will never buy it or order it again. Unless I can take a time machine to the ’70s when shit was good. Or at least, acceptable.

WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT ME: I am nostalgic for a time period I wasn’t even alive for, and this makes me stupidly optimistic and painfully unglamorous.

Red Wine From the 99 Cent Store

Kalimotxo

At least the straw matched. Photo by me.

I know, I know, it’s like I wasn’t expecting anything good from this. I bought it because I wanted to make Kalimotxos. The best way to make those is with Mexican Coke (the SODA) and the cheapest red wine you can find. I found both those things at the 99 cent store.

What I didn’t count on was the red wine tasting like nail polish. No, I don’t drink nail polish, but trust me. You smell it and you just somehow taste nail polish.

WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT ME: I can be too cheap for my own good.

That Diabolical Pink Vodka Whose Name I Blocked Out

This wasn’t it. This is just how I wished the night had gone instead of how it went. By: Brian Walworth

The whole evening wasn’t set up for triumph. We were looking to purchase booze to do our first ever drunk podcast with Matt and Christina of the podcast “Let’s Talk About Feelings.” I wanted to bring something fun to the party. So I found some moderately priced Pepto colored pink vodka.

Do you want to know what Pepto pink vodka looks like coming up? IT LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME. But more…rubbery. Yeah, you grossed out? I was, too. I vomited the whole way home in a Trader Joes bag as my boyfriend drove while miraculously not breaking up with me.

NEVER AGAIN.

WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT ME: I am easily swayed by pretty colors and good marketing. No more “cute” bottles of booze.

Gross White Wine I Bought Twice By Mistake

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This isn’t the gross white wine. I just wanted you guys to know that Hello Kitty wine is a real thing. Photo by me.

Again, this is a classic example of why trying to save money can backfire. I found a bottle of either Pino Grigio or Sauvignon Blanc. I still can’t remember which it was, which comes into play later. The bottle was around 3-5 dollars. It tasted like…rotted fruit. Or rotted something. In my entire life, it’s the only glass of wine I wasn’t able to finish. I think my boyfriend took it off my hands. I couldn’t. Something about it just tasted wrong. Like Rosemary’s Baby wrong. “Oh well,” I thought. “Never again.”

But guess what? I DID do it again. I couldn’t remember if the bad wine was the Gris or the Blanc. I chose poorly. I chose the same goddamn bottle of ass-wine. After one sip I realized the horrible mistake I made. This wine tasted like evil grapes. Like super pissed-off grapes who didn’t want to be wine. Who wanted something better for themselves.

WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT ME: As with the Ariel lesson, I need to be more attentive and aware of what I’m buying. And since I still don’t remember which one it was, I avoid the bottom shelf of white wines at Vons entirely. Unless it’s a super weird name that I know I’ve never tried. Which I’m sure will go over really well but, guys…don’t stop believing.

 

What are YOUR biggest booze blunders and what did they say about YOU?

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10 thoughts on “Bad Alcohol Purchases I’ve Made And What They Say About Me

  1. Allyson

    Pretty sure Malört is just a Chicago thing, but it’s always a mistake. It’s so bitter and the taste stays in your mouth forever. I’ve seen people throw up immediately after taking their first shot of it. However, it is a really (mean) funny prank to play on people, to order them a shot, allow them to thank you for it, and then watch them actually drink it.

    http://www.jeppsonsmalort.com/jm.html

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Oh my God — people throw it up immediately after drinking it?? Goddamnit now I’m curious as all hell to try it.

  2. KendraD

    Playing Quarters with a cheap bottle of wine. I didn’t drink beer at the time, so any time I was supposed to chug the beer, I drank two sips of cheap wine instead. It was not good. It said that I stupidly wanted to fit in (play the drinking game) while not being willing to compromise on not drinking shitty beer.

    And not paying attention to the fact that my favorite German red (Dornfelder) was a type of red and not a brand name. I thought they were all semi-sweet, super drinkable, deliciousness of red wine. Nope. Some were super dry and not at all good. I now know better and know which brands of Dornfelder I like, I just wish it hadn’t taken so many Jekyll and Hyde style occurrences to figure out why I didn’t get what was going on. This says that I’m not observant enough about what I’m drinking in foreign countries, which is probably true.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      You need to drink it with either the most elegant dinner ever made or over a Papa John’s pizza. I don’t think there’s an in-between. I vote elegant dinner!!

  3. Emmalane

    Hi! Totally unrelated but I’m having a lot of trouble lately with writer’s block. Any tips for getting over it? Thanks!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Oh man I get writer’s block a LOT. The only advice I really have is, be open. Be open to new ideas. Be open to writing about topics you wouldn’t typically approach because they seem “boring” or “hard.” Be open to suggestions from friends. Try new things, go to new places. Be open to new experiences. And write down any ideas that come to you either on a notepad or in the “notepad” on your phone.

  4. Kelly L.

    OMG. This post is so full of win. I can’t even pick my favorite. I think I’m just going to bookmark it and come read it whenever I am feeling sad.

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