“Tell me who’s invited: you, your friends and my dick.”
— Kanye West
On here I can say (mostly) whatever I want but in social events I’m oddly shy (unless I’ve been drinking). People mistake my shyness for pure bitchiness and no one talks to me. Thus when I am included I try very hard. I’ll be the one to laugh the loudest at the lamest jokes or ask you everything one could possibly ask about your new job. And honestly, it’s exhausting. I just want to be normal. Sometimes when I’m talking on the phone to someone I don’t know very well, my voice gets ten octaves higher. In my head I’m thinking, “Why are you talking like this?? Use your normal voice!!!” but the damage has already been done, I’m already talking like a 1920s gangster’s girlfriend and there’s no going back.
When I was a little kid I was totally different. I was loud, bossy, and let everyone know what I was thinking. I was probably a total asshole. But I would kind of like to be that little asshole again. When I interned at a certain film studio that may have temporarily sucked the life out of me I would have to answer the phone. I would pretend I was Faye Dunaway. It was the only way I could keep from floundering. This generation, I’ve noticed, hates talking on the phone. Who can blame us? The internet raised us. Once we realized we could simply type our thoughts as opposed to, you know saying them, that was it. I mean that was fucking it. It’s 2010 and I feel like I need to take an elocution class.
But if I’m anything around others, it’s polite. Too polite. I don’t want to cause trouble. I’m like that character in old westerns who tends the bar, who says things like, “Easy there, Tom” to the swaggering cowboy who waltzes in with a gun. “We don’t want no trouble here McLaren,” I stammer, as I wipe down the bar for the twelfth time. I want to be the guy with the gun! I’m not saying that I want to walk into bars pointing guns at people, because I’m fairly certain that is both insane and illegal, I just want to stop tending the bar all the time. WHY WON’T THEY LET ME BE GREAT is the lament of Kanye. I realized that I am the only one keeping myself from being great.
And you’re probably the only one who is keeping you from being great. I’m not saying you should walk up to women/men and say exactly what’s on your mind, because I think that’s a cop-out. That’s a way of being rude and trying to pass it off as being honest. But what you should do is stop bullshitting people. Why are we still doing this? I would love to go on an audition and after I’m done have the casting person tell me, “This is so not going to happen, but thanks for coming in.” (I mean ideally I would like them to say, “You’re hired!” and have balloons fall from the ceiling and maybe Regis Philbin could roll by on a Segway because I don’t know, that just screams “celebration!” to me) but if I didn’t get it I would like to know, right then, right there. But that’s not going to happen, unless Kanye is the casting director. And this brings me to a revelation:
If everyone was a little more like Kanye West, we might get along better.
Or, we would all say things that we believe in the moment, but then regret later.
But it seems like I do that anyway. That’s just called life.
Aus Jus — Teddy Geiger
(And, in unrelated news, here is my review of Las Vegas: http://thisrecording.com/today/2010/4/7/in-which-get-up-and-shake-the-glitter-off-your-clothes-now.html)