What is with super beautiful women pairing up with super not beautiful men? Are they super talented? Super rich? Super man? Superman? Batman? Wait what’s going on you guys?
Jane Birkin with Serge Gainsbourg
Oh right. Pretty women with ugly dudes. Now this gives me hope because I’ve been told I’m beautiful (by myself, looking in the mirror, this counts though I am pretty sure) so maybe I haven’t found a guy yet because the guys I’m going after aren’t ugly enough. (Of course these guys are also massively talented. And famous. Maybe that’s they key.) Observe:
Jane Birkin with Serge Gainsbourg
Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Serge, but even Jane is looking like, “Damn am I really letting this dude touch me?” He also banged Bardot for a while! Now Serge Gainsbourg has a sexy voice and is a brilliant writer but dude’s got a face like the Aggrocrag from Nickelodeon’s “Guts”! What!! I’m just saying!!!
Kate Moss with Pete Doherty
Kate Moss with Pete Doherty
Pete Doherty looks like an overgrown baby (with a cocaine addiction). Yeah, his music is…OK. I mean no one’s going to say, “Babyshambles is the greatest band ever!!” and if they are then take another look, because you’re probably talking to Pete Doherty. This woman went from Johnny Depp to this dude. I don’t think I need to say any more.
Sharon Tate with Roman Polanski
Polanski actually looks kind of cute here. But let’s be real: dude is short and straight-up odd-looking. Even before he got all rapey he was a little unsettling. I would be too if I went to a concentration camp when I was a kid and lost my mom there. Whoa, that’s kind of going off topic. Holy shit now all I want to do is hug Roman Polanski and tell him that it’s going to be ok. What is wrong with me?? Damn you Sharon Tate, you’re so goddamn endearing that I can’t help but fall in love with him too. Plus people tell me I kind of look like you. Not that that has to do with anything at all, I just like to brag.
Britt Ekland with Peter Sellers
Britt Ekland with Peter Sellers
I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a stretch to call Peter Sellers “ugly”. He’s a little paunchy with a lot of chest hair and a distinguished nose, but I find him sexy too. However she’s BRITT EKLAND. Brit Ekland! BRITT EKLAND.
Audrey Hepburn with Mel Ferrer
Audrey Hepburn with Mel Ferrer
Hey Audrey, sup? You’re just chilling with the Ghost of Christmas Future? Awesome. How’s the–WHOA, WAIT, THAT’S YOUR HUSBAND? BACK THE FUCK UP. Audrey did you know that pretty much every man in the world has a crush on you? Even today? Like everytime I hung out with this sexy sexy man he would go on and on about how hot you were? Ok so he turned out to be bisexual but I think my point still holds? You’re Audrey Hepburn. This is really the man for you? William Holden threw himself at you but you turned him down for this dude? Because Holden couldn’t have children? You just buy them at the children store! Come on now! That’s what all of the hot celebrities do! Look maybe I could be a little more sympathetic if Ferrer didn’t turn out to be an angry control freak with fidelity issues. Man. Audrey Hepburn. Man.
Mischa Barton with Cisco Adler
They broke up in 2007 I think (haha “I think” like I don’t know this for sure, like my life isn’t sad enough to know that they broke up in February of 2007) and I say thank God. Cisco Adler, much like Jack White, looks like the kind of guy who would steal your car. And did you see those naked photos of him that were making their rounds on the internet? I’m not going to post them here because I don’t feel like gagging for the next 45 minutes but feel free to look them up. I don’t get it Mischa! You had it all. A hit show, a thin bod, a cool name…and this is what you chose. You saw this, deemed it fuckable, and fucked it. So glad you moved on, girl.
So ladies, if you’re hot and you haven’t been having luck, maybe you should hit up an ugly dude. Just make sure that he’s rich or about to become super famous!
xxoo
apocalypstick
apocalypstick
apocalypstick
apocalypstick
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Not forgetting Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller.
I just read this because you interviewed my friend Sparrow & I have two things: a weakness for funny brunettes & the day off of work.
This comes up just as often as schlubby dudes (read:stand-up comedians) whining on and on about how women don’t like them even though they’re such nice people. Here’s how it usually works: women are going to be more desired if they look good; men are going to be more desired if they’ve accomplished something.
Believe me, I don’t want this to be true. I didn’t want to stop paying attention to the cute set designer I was talking to last December when Jessica Alba walked into the Christmas party. I didn’t want to watch with my mouth slightly open as Megan Fox made out with Shia LeBouf on the hood of his Camero/robot BFF. I don’t want to admit that I’d rather stick my john in Joan River’s surgically altered pie-hole than Doris Robert’s actual human mouth, but when the gun-toting sexual terrorists who apparently get off by forcing dudes to make these hypothetical choices lock me in a room with the two of them I know which one my body’s going to be less repulsed by.
I also don’t want to tell women what I do for a living, because I’m a tour guide & the novelty of that wears off right after women ask me which famous people I’ve seen on my route (read: stalked) while being paid minimum wage.
I’m not saying that there aren’t other important factors and people who buck the trend. I’m just saying that those factors are largely irrelevant and those people are either twisted freaks of nature or maybe alien sex tourists having a cheap thrill on our backwater mudball planet.
Love your blog Almie. So cool seeing you last night! Let’s hit the town soon.
Colby! I love you!
Almie, loving your opinions. If you ever rock up in Sydney there will be a house/bed waiting for you. Yes i may be in that bed. You are hot.
Uhh, welcome to Miami.
I am from the Midwest, so I was at first shocked to see the beautiful girls from Long Island and SoFla who all went to my school dating these nerdy, hairy, short little Jews. (I can say this because I am a member of the tribe and it is therefore, not offensive.)
My answer to your confusion is (drumroll please followed by a gasp of shock): Money.
This may be a giant generalization, but most of these girls grow up with a standard of the type of career, income, religion, their significant other must have and overlook the totally unimportant stuff like, oh I dono, his personality, his interests, the fact that he is such a d-bag balding nerd, etc. Basically someone who is perfect on paper is perfect to them in real life.
I (stupidly?) dismiss anyone who works in finance or a similar job and my disillusioned girlfriend informed me that I dont know what I am talking about and I better start looking for a nice, Jewish, financially stable doctor, lawyer financier.
To which I replied: “Woman I would rather be homeless banging on trashcans for money with a guy trying to make a career out of playing the drums.” Maybe I should up my standards.
Anyway, as an eternally single gal as well, I can tell you that I have aimed for somewhere in the middle. Not to make another giant generalization, or anything, but I have found that most beautiful guys are so uninteresting that I don’t even look their way anymore and I am not even attracted to them. Except the new Glee character. (Do you watch?) Slap a pair of Umbros and a hemp necklace on him and 10-year old Katie just had an orgasm if she had known how.
Anyway—aim for somewhere thats like “yeah, Im probably too pretty but I’ll give him a shot.” Those have worked out the best for me. And since you are as opinionated and mouthy as me, be sure to run for the Hollywood Hills if they say something along the lines of: “I just never know whats going to come out of your mouth.” Sionara, loser.
Sorry for the digression! And on a random note(so another digression I guess) —I love how open you are to all of your comments. If someone makes a comment that makes my blog less funny—like when I post something so not serious and they respond with something ridiculously serious (please note only my friends read it), I have to delete. Immediately. Like no, idiot. I am not serious.
Love the blog!
This biggest “she must have permanent beer goggles” moment for me is Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek from The Cars.
YES.
This post made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. I can’t believe how shallow and superficial it is–you take the cake by throwing in some homophobia here and there as well. Congrats.
Hey! You don’t seem well acquainted with satire. Bummer! Thus I can see where your disgust would come from. I don’t see how anything in this is homophobic though. — Apocalypstick
PS I am relieved that it was in your mouth that you threw up in, as opposed to your eyes or groin.
what happened to Natalie Portman with that weird hippie beard dude?
Have you not seen Sophia Loren with her husband Carl Ponti?
Yes, yes this is a good one. But wasn’t she also doing Cary Grant at the time?
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