Because I just don’t care anymore.

vintage bathing suit too skinny

Attention everyone: I am getting fat. This is not an apology. This is a mission statement.

No, before you ask, I am not doing this for an acting role, as someone suggested. I’m not doing this intentionally. What I mean by this is that from now on, I am going to eat whatever I want and not give a fuck. I simply can’t handle giving a fuck about this anymore. Whether I diet or don’t diet, I still hate my body. So I may as well eat delicious food.

I lovingly refer to myself as “skinny-fat.” Skinny fat is when you’re a size 2-6 but you have a tummy and love handles (who, by the way, came up with this diabolical term for fat around the hips?) Skinny-fat is being thin but not toned. Skinny-fat is skinny anywhere else in America but not in Los Angeles and NYC.

That is what I am. And since I turned 15, that is what I have always been. And I just don’t care anymore.

Is this giving up or is this having a good attitude? I can’t tell.

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27 thoughts on “Because I just don’t care anymore.

  1. Claire

    As I see it, there are a couple logical reasons to pour energy into being underweight: (1) your job requires it, e.g. acting and modeling or (2) your number one priority is catching a rich man and being a trophy-type wife. Otherwise, why go beyond eating and exercising for your health and general feeling of well-being? Because the man told you to? I say, assess your value as more than your looks and put that energy into something else.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Regarding #1 I so wish this were not the case. It makes no sense to me that we have put such pressure on women to look like models in stupid romantic comedies where their role doesn’t even require them to look like anything but an average person. For example, if someone is playing a veterinarian, they still look movie star stunning. This is why I like indie films. I need to see more women like Greta Gerwig, Miranda July, and Lena Dunham.

      1. Claire

        Yeah, if your dream is acting, you’re going to get shade thrown at you constantly about not being underweight and you’re just going to have to decide whether you’re up for it. It sucks, but unfortunately we are living in an era where that’s the fashion. However, if you’re just trying generally to change what’s going on in your head, try looking beyond movies and TV for what real people consider attractive. For example, look at guys on the street looking at women. I live in LA too and I see men checking out average weight women all the time. Why do you want to lose weight if plenty of guys will think you’re gorgeous at the weight you’re at? Also, I know this sounds artificial, but when you start having negative thoughts about yourself, just cut them off and make yourself think about something else. At first this will not help, but eventually it can contribute to retraining your mind.

  2. Lidia

    Ugh, I know exactly what you’re talking about! I’ve been skinny fat since middle school and it’s so frustrating…this stupid belly pooch ruins the proportions of my body making shopping for anything a mission impossible! I spent and ungodly amount of money on private pilates lessons this past spring in hopes of getting rid of it but I didn’t see any changes so I gave up too :(

    1. Tina

      You win blog comment of the week. I, too, am just fat and yeah, it’s totally not bad at all. Like Gordon Crisp said on Freaks and Geeks about his hereditary condition that makes him smell horrible, “Nice people don’t care and it weeds out the jerks.” And yeah, it definitely helps that we still get laid, have friends, and are drop dead gorgeous.

  3. Annie Avilés

    Hi Almie! I am just another skinny-fat… People don’t consider me as ‘fat’ but neither as ‘thin’. To me, I look like a person that is not overweight but still has fat in some areas (not pretty areas). I decided to take action. I used to watch what I ate very strictly, but just like you, I didn’t see a change :( I decided I was going to let myself indulge with one treat a day, for example ice-cream, some cookies or a piece of cake. I also changed my midn a little bit, I didn’t care anymore if I was fat or not fato or whatever, but I was trying to enjoy my belly (sonds weird huh) and my ‘curves’. I has resulted at some extent, because my mind doesn’t worry about that anymore, so I enjoyed life, therefore, my body. To my the key is to ‘give up’ but still loving who you are.

    :)

  4. allie

    I love this. It’s definitely my mentality too. I’d rather be happy and slightly overweight than constantly missing out on awesome things and food and drinks and stuff I love just to be skinny. Plus, I’m the same, even when I don’t eat and exercise heaps, my body doesn’t change that much. When I do diet/exercise, it’s more about fitness than being skinny because I just don’t have a body shape that will ever be “skinny.”

    Also, being skinny won’t make me happy anyway so fuck it. I LIKE TO EAT. AND I HATE TO RUN.

  5. Anonymous

    This is fucking ridiculous. You’re not fat and you’re not “skinny-fat.” I googled pictures of you. I don’t know where your head is but it’s almost insulting to people who struggle with real body issues. I’m so sick of reading about how much you hate yourself on your blog. You’re honestly beautiful and Im sick of everyone having to convince you of that. So many women would love to look like you. Your just ungrateful. Sorry.

    1. Kate

      Hmm I’m not sure if the size of a person’s body has anything to do with whether his/her body issues are real or not because in that case someone who is say, anorexic and therefore (typically) very skinny would now not have real body image issues. I think everyone’s are real. It’s just that they vary in degree from person to person, so we can’t really discount one person’s issues because they aren’t as extreme or (worse) as dangerous as someone else’s. I know, so serious.

      And Almie: this is a giving up in the best way! because you’re giving up the stress!

    2. Almie Rose Post author

      I see your point, anon, and when I have some time I’ll respond to this in a thoughtful manner.

    3. Greg

      Anon, it’s Almie’s blog, and she can be dissatisfied with herself if she wants, and write about it. Nobody’s forcing any of us to read it. There’s something to be said for “hey, Almie, you’re actually awesome and cute, keep the faith,” but there’s a weird hostility here that I don’t think is called for. (And yes, Kate is dead right that everyone’s images are real.)

    4. Almie Rose Post author

      Okay. Hi anon! First of all, thank you for your comment. Really, I’m not being sarcastic. I welcome discussion like this on my blog.

      By venting about my personal issues with my own self-image, I’m not trying to put anyone else down, nor do I mean to. I feel like maybe you’re taking this personally. Maybe you’re not happy with your body either. We can help each other! We should all open up discussions like these. Maybe then it will change.

      I’ve never thought of myself as beautiful. It wasn’t until I went to college when I thought, “Yeah, I guess I’m not ugly anymore.” I see photos of myself and sometimes think, “Damn, I’m pretty/hot” or “Damn, I look like ass” but I never think, “Damn, I’m beautiful.” And I’m NOT saying this to get compliments. I’m saying this, because I think it’s important to know where I’m coming from. That isn’t to say though that conventionally beautiful people can’t be happy with their looks. What it says, is that something needs to change in our society.

      I am disappointed in myself for: 1. Gaining weight and not being healthy and treating my body well 2. Feeling this way, considering I am aware that I could be far worse off and 3. For revealing my insecurity by posting it on here. But I have always blogged about truth and how I feel, and I always will. Sometimes that means I look pathetic and people roll their eyes at me. And I totally get that!

      Anyway. I hope this covers everything. If not, feel free to email me!

      xxo

      P.S. “You’re.”

      1. Christina

        If something needs to “change in our society”, it needs to start with women not thinking so much about how they look to begin with. My goodness, your answer to “anon” is way convoluted with twisty statements about your relationship with your looks. And that’s part of the problem: we have created an entity out of this thing called our “looks”, and this entity is a narcissistic, capricious demon who torments us by telling us we “look good” some days, and we “look ugly/fat/disgust/’like ass/etc.” on other days. This entity is the abusive boyfriend we all cry about but won’t leave. Think about it-do we really need to create an inner abuser to carry around everywhere we go? Let’s think about our innate worth, about all the things-big and small-we are capable of DOING. Let’s break free of “looks” addiction! Along that vein, I think your sense of humor totally rocks!! Peace!

  6. Shandra

    “Skinny-fat is skinny anywhere else in America but not in Los Angeles and NYC.” Ugh, yes! I visit friends who live outside of NYC and they say I look totally normal and thin. In NYC I feel double the size of most people walking down the street. If New York weren’t the best city in the world, I would move simply to boost my self-esteem. For now, I’ll just have to admire my awesome boobs.

  7. Matt

    From what (little) I know about sizing in America (and how it’s different to the UK), there’s absolutely nothing wrong with between 2-6. It’s like I always say though; aim for the weight you feel happy and best at – nobody WANTS to be grossly overweight or underweight..just be active and eat the right foods (and the odd treat), have a goal or two and you’ll have the size you want/need to be.

  8. Jenna

    In my experience dudes who are “worth it” are attracted just as much to confidence and self-love as they are to your body. (I really don’t think your post was about attracting dudes, but others brought it up, so, why not?) As the amazing, outstanding and insightful Ru Paul says- “Honey, if you can’t love yourself then how the hell you gonna love someone else?” If giving up trying to be skinny means more self-love then more power to you!

  9. Ami

    Life’s too short to spend it counting calories. Even in LA and NYC.
    Just keep it reasonably healthy and have fun! x

  10. Almie Rose Post author

    Well, after weighing myself for the first time in almost 2 months, I care now. I gained 10 pounds. Oops.

  11. jellochabello

    I’m Gay and Skinny Fat…Too big for the weho boys…too skinny for the Bears therefore I hang out in Downtown L.A. (where all is accepted.) I work out during the week and eat healthy… but on the weekend I eat anything I want as much as I want. I think it is all about moderation. You do have to care about your looks because if you look good, you feel good. I’ve never been speedo skinny but it’s okay because I’ve been rocking a caftan and I look AMAZING!!!

    You should look up this band called HI FASHION. My favorite song of their’s is called AMAZING. The lyrics are below and i’s a good message and makes you feel good!!

    I don’t care if you don’t like my hair
    Because I know it’s amazing
    And I don’t give a damn if you don’t like my tan
    Because I know it’s amazing
    And I don’t give two hoots if you don’t like my boots
    Because I know they’re amazing
    And I don’t give a shit if you don’t like my tits
    Because I know they’re amazing

    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.

    I don’t give a crap if you don’t like my hat
    Because I know it’s amazing
    And I don’t give a poops if you don’t like my hoops
    Because I know they’re amazing
    I don’t care if you’re in my underwear
    Because it all feels amazing
    And I don’t give a fuck if you think I suck
    Because I know I’m amazing

    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.

    I don’t give a hurl if you say you like girls
    Because I know that you’re gayzing
    And I don’t give a bung if you say that you’re hung
    Because you’re probably praising
    And I don’t give a fart if you say that you’re smart
    Because you’re boring and lazing
    And I don’t like dicks ’cause I like chicks
    And you know that’s amazing

    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing

    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.
    Ah, amazing. Ah, Ah, amazing.

  12. Rubi

    The “I dont care anymore” attitude seems like a good idea right now, but as you know (or not you’re pretty gorgeous) at some point in the future when trying on clothes or passing a mirror, you’re gonna be like “What the hell happened?”

    I really let myself go after a bad relationship. After many bottles of liquor and chilli fries I was like “I’m never having sex again why not enjoy life and empty calories”. 2 1/2 years later I’m trying to get back to a weight where I think I’d be happy again.

    Even though I am happier and half way there, I have come to the realization that I will never be happy with my body and that is okay. You shouldnt be like this, but I’m not going to be a hypocrite and tell you to look on the bright side. You will when you are ready too. Just know that me (and the rest of your fans) love you and you are gorgeous and fabulous in our eyes.

    Hopefully this will pass for you. And if it dosent I’ll buy you mimosas and we’ll talk about the parts of our body we cant stand!

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