Category Archives: audrey hepburn

Eternal Boredom of the Bored Boredom

I’m sick with a mysterious something so I’ve been spending my time watching Veronica Mars, True Blood, and Fringe. Summer is here but I don’t feel like dancing in the streets; if anything I feel like lying in bed and watching more television and movies. Thus I bring you: favorite summer themed movies. In no particular order.

The Seven Year Itch. This guy (Tom Ewell) lives in an apartment and Marilyn Monroe lives in the bottom apartment, or maybe it’s the top, I don’t know. It’s a hot summer and his wife and kid are in the Hamptons or Nantucket or something and he’s an ad man so he has to work. And he drinks a lot of drinks with Marilyn Monroe, like “big tall martinis” and champagne.
memorable quote: Tom MacKenzie: What blonde in the kitchen?
Richard Sherman: Wouldn’t you like to know! Maybe it’s Marilyn Monroe!

Beach Blanket Bingo. This is one of my favorite childhood films. You know the way most people revere “The Princess Bride”? That’s how I feel about this movie. This and “Bye Bye Birdie.” Basically the entire movie is about surfing, parties, and breaking into song on the beach. And my family knows Marta Kristen who played the mermaid. Oh yes, there’s a mermaid. Did I forget to mention the motorcycle gang? Yeah, there’s a motorcycle gang.
memorable quote: (from the song) “Beach blanket biiiiiiigno! Beach blanket biiiiiingo. Beach blanket biiiiiiingo! That’s the name of the game!”

Rear Window. Jimmy Stewart sees some shit and Grace Kelly has sex with him. Off screen. The sex is always implied. I think everyone knows what this film is about and if you haven’t then you’ve seen The Simpsons episode that nails it. “Grace, there’s a mysterious lookin’ kid starin’ at me!” It takes place in New York and even though the whole set is filmed in a soundstage (and looks it) the film still captures the essence of a sweltering NYC summer.
memorable quote: “Dental plan!” “Lisa needs braces!” “Dental plan!” “Lisa needs braces!” “Dental plan!” “Lisa needs braces!” “Dental plan!” “Lisa needs braces!”

Vertigo. I’m not even sure if this movie takes place primarily during the summer (though I do remember that it spans quite a few months) but this is also a great Hitchcock/Stewart film and seeing as I just vacationed in San Francisco a few weeks ago it will be a summer movie to me.
awesome moment: Jimmy Stewart’s ahead-of-the-times psychedellic nightmare:

Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls: One of my favorite movies of all time. It follows the late 60s girl band, The Carrie Nations, as they grow corrupt in Los Angeles thanks to a character based on Phil Spector. I have the soundtrack on vinyl and every time I listen to it I’m transported back into a time and place that never really existed but should have. It’s just so weird and flat-out hilarious.
memorable quote: (there are SO many): “This is my happening and it freaks me out!”




Breakfast At Tiffany’s.
Everybody and their mother knows this film and if you don’t you should probably feel pretty bad. Nah, it’s OK. This is the film where Audrey Hepburn walks around in a black dress and everybody wants to be her. Even though she’s kind of a bitch. Yes, see the film in which Audrey Hepburn is bitchy! Although she might be bitchier in Two For The Road, another favorite of mine.
memorable quote: I’m Audrey Hepburn and I love going to Tiffany’s where I eat danishes and la la la la.

Play It Again, Sam. I think this takes place during the summer? Also set in San Francisco, Woody Allen tries to woo Diane Keaton, but it’s a lot more interesting than it sounds. This was one of his earlier films and he didn’t direct it so it’s got a very different feel. And his apartment in this film is AMAZING.
memorable quote: Allan: This is a beautiful beach house.
Linda: Thank you.
Allan: Yeah, let’s burn it down for the insurance money.

That’s what a got, with an honorable mention to Rosemary’s Baby. What are your favorite summer-themed films? Or films with a summer feel?

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I Am Not Audrey Fucking Hepburn.

I think sex is overrated. — Audrey Hepburn
I’m reading (ok, who am I kidding, I’m RE-reading) “What Would Audrey Do?: Timeless Lessons for Living with Grace and Style” (Pamela Keogh) and I’ve come to realize that I am, sadly, THE EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE of my dear Audrey Hepburn.First, Audrey didn’t curse. I know, what the fuck. How can a celebrity go without cursing? Even Eliza Doolittle was like, “MOVE YER BLOOMIN’ ARSE!” Personally, I can’t go more than 5 minutes without cursing, even if all I’m doing in those 5 minutes is singing the theme song to Sesame Street. I like cursing! Sunny days, fuck yeah! Chasin’ those clouds away, motherfucker!

Second, Audrey didn’t blog about her sex life on the internet. Yeah I know she didn’t have the fucking (see???) internet back then. But Keogh suggests that Audrey would not have a myspace page. Audrey was discreet, like fucking Lady from Lady and the Tramp who was totally coy about wanting that meatball, she was all like, “Oh no, you take it, really I’m fine.” Audrey was a private person. In a way I think we’re worse off for not knowning what Audrey Hepburn was like in bed, aren’t we? Someone somewhere HAS to know! Somewhere there has to be a stack of letters she wrote to William Holden that describe their passionately discreet nights of love. Someone find those letters and publish them, please.


Third, Audrey had little to no ego. (According to Keogh, Audrey pretty much died for somebody’s sins, but not mine.) Keogh fails to mention how in one biography I read, Audrey requested an ASSLOAD of stuff to come with her while shooting “A Nun’s Story”, including a bidet. Excuse me? You really need a bidet to be flown to you? I digress. Not only am I selfish but I am a raging egomaniac.

Fourth, Audrey was damn thin. Enough said.

Fifth, Audrey always took the high road. I couldn’t find the high road with google maps. I try, really. So instead of shouting or saying something I’ll regret, I’ll just leave. And this backfires because I wind up looking like a huge bitch. AUDREY HEPBURN WAS NEVER A BITCH.

To paraphrase Samuel L. Jackson, “I’m tryin’ Ringo. I’m tryin’ real hard to be the shepherd.”

I’m tryin’ real hard to be Audrey.


I want to be the sweet, THIN, modern woman who can keep her ego in check and not flip the fuck out over every damn thing. And also Keogh makes it crystal clear that every goddamn man Audrey met wanted to marry her. Did you know that Audrey dated JFK? WELL SHE DID. Who have you dated? That guy who works at Diesel? The Cobrasnake? The indie rock musician who kind of looks like Johnny Depp if you squint? NONE OF THOSE MEN ARE JFK. YOU FUCKING LOSE. GODDAMN YOU AUDREY HEPBURN. Keogh also famously quotes the dancer who, in a chorus line with Audrey before she hit superstardom complained, “I’ve got the best tits on stage and yet they’re staring at the girl who hasn’t got any.” Hepburn was sexy and she had no boobs. I mean in this day and age she would be given some kind of award for that shit, some InStyle luncheon or VH1 clipshow tribute or I don’t know.

I know I have more sex appeal on the tip of my nose than many women in their entire bodies. It doesn’t stand out a mile, but it’s there. — Audrey Hepburn

How did she do it? This book suggests that I attempt sainthood. And you know what? I’m going to. Because although BB is one of my true old school heroes (uh, before the whole racism thing) she and Audrey actually held very similar ideals: if something’s not working out for you — be it with a man or your career or friends or whatever — leave, because you’re better than that shit. Of course, Audrey wouldn’t have said “Shit”. BB probably would have said, “Merde” so that makes me feel a little better.

From now on I shall attempt not to dive over to my computer to blog about every little thing. I shall try to be more discreet. I shall try to be kinder and more patient. I shall try to get a 22 inch waistline. I shall try to hold my head high even though my neck is like 1/5th of the neck she had. I won’t stop being msyelf but maybe I’ll be just a little less of myself. And a little more Audrey.

Or, whatever.

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Beautiful Women With Ugly Men

What is with super beautiful women pairing up with super not beautiful men? Are they super talented? Super rich? Super man? Superman? Batman? Wait what’s going on you guys?

Oh right. Pretty women with ugly dudes. Now this gives me hope because I’ve been told I’m beautiful (by myself, looking in the mirror, this counts though I am pretty sure) so maybe I haven’t found a guy yet because the guys I’m going after aren’t ugly enough. (Of course these guys are also massively talented. And famous. Maybe that’s they key.) Observe:

Jane Birkin with Serge Gainsbourg

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Serge, but even Jane is looking like, “Damn am I really letting this dude touch me?” He also banged Bardot for a while! Now Serge Gainsbourg has a sexy voice and is a brilliant writer but dude’s got a face like the Aggrocrag from Nickelodeon’s “Guts”! What!! I’m just saying!!!

Kate Moss with Pete Doherty

Pete Doherty looks like an overgrown baby (with a cocaine addiction). Yeah, his music is…OK. I mean no one’s going to say, “Babyshambles is the greatest band ever!!” and if they are then take another look, because you’re probably talking to Pete Doherty. This woman went from Johnny Depp to this dude. I don’t think I need to say any more.

Sharon Tate with Roman Polanski

Polanski actually looks kind of cute here. But let’s be real: dude is short and straight-up odd-looking. Even before he got all rapey he was a little unsettling. I would be too if I went to a concentration camp when I was a kid and lost my mom there. Whoa, that’s kind of going off topic. Holy shit now all I want to do is hug Roman Polanski and tell him that it’s going to be ok. What is wrong with me?? Damn you Sharon Tate, you’re so goddamn endearing that I can’t help but fall in love with him too. Plus people tell me I kind of look like you. Not that that has to do with anything at all, I just like to brag.

Britt Ekland with Peter Sellers

I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a stretch to call Peter Sellers “ugly”. He’s a little paunchy with a lot of chest hair and a distinguished nose, but I find him sexy too. However she’s BRITT EKLAND. Brit Ekland! BRITT EKLAND.

Audrey Hepburn with Mel Ferrer

Hey Audrey, sup? You’re just chilling with the Ghost of Christmas Future? Awesome. How’s the–WHOA, WAIT, THAT’S YOUR HUSBAND? BACK THE FUCK UP. Audrey did you know that pretty much every man in the world has a crush on you? Even today? Like everytime I hung out with this sexy sexy man he would go on and on about how hot you were? Ok so he turned out to be bisexual but I think my point still holds? You’re Audrey Hepburn. This is really the man for you? William Holden threw himself at you but you turned him down for this dude? Because Holden couldn’t have children? You just buy them at the children store! Come on now! That’s what all of the hot celebrities do! Look maybe I could be a little more sympathetic if Ferrer didn’t turn out to be an angry control freak with fidelity issues. Man. Audrey Hepburn. Man.

Mischa Barton with Cisco Adler

They broke up in 2007 I think (haha “I think” like I don’t know this for sure, like my life isn’t sad enough to know that they broke up in February of 2007) and I say thank God. Cisco Adler, much like Jack White, looks like the kind of guy who would steal your car. And did you see those naked photos of him that were making their rounds on the internet? I’m not going to post them here because I don’t feel like gagging for the next 45 minutes but feel free to look them up. I don’t get it Mischa! You had it all. A hit show, a thin bod, a cool name…and this is what you chose. You saw this, deemed it fuckable, and fucked it. So glad you moved on, girl.

So ladies, if you’re hot and you haven’t been having luck, maybe you should hit up an ugly dude. Just make sure that he’s rich or about to become super famous!

xxoo

If Looks Could Kill — Camera Obscura

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