My motto in life is, “Would Brigitte Bardot put up with this bullshit?”
By which I mean, “Would Brigitte put up with this bullshit and if not then why should I?” Say what you will about Brigitte Bardot — that she’s racist, crazy, and probably a terrible mother and all around person — but one thing she is not is a motherfuckin wallflower. NO ONE walks on Brigitte Bardot. This is a woman who has said, “I don’t get left. I leave. I decide.”

And yet, when it comes to relationships (I know, I know, I hear Carrie Bradshaw in my head too) I rarely leave first. My inner BB is screaming, “Stupid femme! This is merde!” or you know whatever else angry French people say. I put up with a lot of merde.

After all, if young women didn’t make such mistakes then songs like, “Under My Thumb” and even “Look At That Stupid Girl” would never have been written. (Or maybe the lesson is just don’t date Mick Jagger. Both “Under My Thumb” and “Look At That Stupid Girl” have the dubious honor of being written about Chrissie Shrimpton. Poor girl.) But I think it’s time we all asked ourselves, “Would Brigitte Bardot put up with this bullshit?”

Brigitte Bardot would never have wasted her time with McSleaze. Yes, my codenames aren’t terribly clever, I will be the first to admit this. But my first codename was actually just his name, which isn’t a codename at all. And he’s so vain he’d probably think this post was about him. What was my point? Right. McSleaze. BB would have slapped McSleaze on the first date.

It took me weeks.

Things started out just fine with McSleaze until he sent me a facebook message saying something to the effect of, “I just got out of a really difficult relationship and so I’m not looking for anything right now One Tree Hill dialogue insert here blah blah” the night after we hooked up. That’s fine, I wasn’t looking for anything solid either. However, most alarming, was that that same day, the day right after we made out, he ALSO sent a facebook message to one of my best friends with the SAME EXACT RELATIONSHIP SPIEL only adding, “I like your moves. Let’s hang out.”

Here’s where I have to admit that despite this…I gave him another chance. I know. BB would have spit in my face and put her gitane out on my arm. The weird thing though was my friend actually decided TO BE FRIENDS WITH HIM. So then I thought, “Well fine, if she’s going to be his friend, then I’m going to be an even BETTER friend. If she’s going to take him to lunch I’m going to take him to Disneyland. With blow jobs.”

Obviously I was an idiot in deciding to see him. But I did. And the truth is, I didn’t even like him. I’m not sure if he even liked me. But we continued to go out to dinner and get drinks which was basically an excuse to wind up making out at his place later. I even worried when I didn’t hear from him or when I couldn’t see him. Once I texted him asking him what his plans were for the evening. “I’m just going to kick back,” he said. I offered to kick back with him. I offered to bring pizza and wine. And he said, “I can’t, I have plans.” So I said, “You just said you were kicking back.” And the next day he said, “Sorry about that, I meant I had plans kicking back.” And yes, I continued to see him.

Even when after dinner he said, “By the way, I might be moving to London.”

Even when once I was at his place and we were making out and being all cuddly and I threw my hand back and grazed an empty condom wrapper. He apologized for his carelessness and I knew it was an accident and that he didn’t mean to leave evidence of whatever sex he had the night before with whatever, even after that, I still continued to see him. (I never slept with him.)

Even when he told me, “You have a perfect mouth. Will you blow me?”

Things all came to a head (pun intended) where one night he couldn’t keep his erection and decided to blame me. Then things got weird and serious. He suddenly stood up and said,

“This isn’t going to work. We’re both scorpios.”

I laughed. I said, “Are you serious?”

“Yes, get dressed.” He was damn serious.

(This still isn’t the part where I slapped him Scarlett O’Hara style.)

Then I actually PLEADED him to tell me what I did wrong (Me!!) and to give me another chance. And he said, “It can’t work, we’re both scorpios. Go home.” And the entire time he said this, he was TEXTING ON HIS PHONE.

Yes, that is when I slapped him. He was stunned and shouted at me to get out of his house. Yeah, way ahead of you there, dude.

Now violence is not a good solution, I know this. But I also know that slapping skeezy dudes across the face is pretty awesome. So I think you can see my point. McSleaze was not a good person to give another chance to and not a good person to date and I was at fault for thinking he was someone different.

It’s like what Oprah says Maya Angelou told her, “When people show you who they really are, believe them. Believe them!” (And the way Oprah says it on her show, sounding like the wise old tree from “Pocahontas”, you expect the set to tremble beneath her and James Horner music to swell and Tom Cruise to cackle into a crystal ball or some shit.)

I should have listened to Oprah. Or Maya Angelou. Or even Gail. But I didnt. And in doing so, I dragged down my self-worth. I turned into The Stupid Girl.

Brigitte Bardot would have NEVER put up with that bullshit.