Category Archives: celebrities

It’s Okay.

All right everyone! We are turning a corner! Happy days are here! I loved reading your confessions in the last post. Thank you for opening up with me. It reminds me that we’re all in this together. Everyone has a shared human experience. Unless you’re a psychopath (which I think is now called Antisocial Personality Disorder, but I’m not sure. Please feel free to correct me!) Is weird that I’ve always wanted to be a psychopath just to know what it feels like?

So anyway. I am dispelling my own belief that life is harder than it is easy. There is no reason why my life should be hard. I am going to approach all aspects of my life like I’m the luckiest person on Earth. What is luck anyway? Isn’t it just a state of mind? Because who ever heard of miserable people who are lucky? No. Luck and happy people have been tighter than Nicole Kidman’s face. We’ve established that everything sucks. But now we need to embrace the part about how it’s okay. Follow my lead. If you have to, tie a string around your wrist to remind you to be positive. Or buy yourself a Cartier watch, whatever.

Last night in acting class we talked about Keanu Reeves. We talked about how every role he plays is him getting lucky in some way or other. Keanu is “the chosen one.” And yet, in his real life, he is the most unlucky person ever. Everyone he has ever loved, everyone who is close to him, has died in some freak accident. Kind of like Kelsey Grammer. I think his sister was killed in a robbery or something and then someone else who was related to him was eaten by sharks. Sharks. But Fraiser’s life is pretty good. Sharks!

You just have to find what your thing is. Like our acting teacher told us that Tom Hanks’s thing was he always plays someone who isn’t prepared for something. “I’m not prepared to be a kid in an adult body.” “I’m not prepared to date a mermaid.” “I’m not prepared to become the poster boy for AIDS.” “I’m not prepared to live in a world where I have an IQ of about 56.” “I’m not prepared to be stranded on an island.”

(THIS IS ALSO THE BEST PARTY GAME EVER. Someone theorized that Leonardo DiCaprio’s thing is that he always has to escape from something. Feel free to play this game in the comments!!!)

What is your thing? What human quality is consistent in your life? What keeps popping up? Embrace it and use it. Maybe you don’t like what your thing is. But you don’t choose your thing; your thing chooses you (instead of “thing” our acting teacher calls it “myth.”) This whole conversation blew my mind. If you know who you are and you’re comfortable with it and you believe in yourself, there’s nothing you can’t do. You need to look at what you have and not lament over what you don’t. I’m not Charlize Theron and who gives a fuck.

Does it mean I’m “cured” from years and years of putting myself down? No. But it means that I’m going to view every day in a different light. Light! Not darkness! You are meant to have a happy life! You are allowed to feel good! You don’t have to doubt yourself! You don’t have to wait in anticipation for the hammer to come down! Good feelings bring more good feelings! We’re going to be okay, you guys!

We Are The Champions — Queen

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

That’s The Power Of Love.

Who do these bitches have in common (aside from important people)???? ME!!

Is “Back to the Future” the most important film of the 80s? Of course not. IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT FILM OF ALL TIME.

My Lea Thompson Story:

It was another day at work in which I was probably trying to move things with my mind from behind the counter (because when it’s slow, what else are you going to do) when a woman in my glasses came up to make a purchase. They weren’t literally my glasses of course; mine were in my purse. But they were the same classic, I’m an artist goddamnit but I also love money Ray-Ban glasses. At the store we are required to ask for I.D. for any and all purchases. I asked this young looking woman for I.D. and when she slid it over I saw Lea Thomp– and then my brain went, “Oh shit, it’s Marty’s mom!!” and I blurted out, “Oh, I don’t need this, I know who you are” and gave it back to her.

She laughed and said, “I wish I knew who I was.”

I didn’t recognize you with your glasses,” I said. “I have the same ones! I just got them.”

She seemed excited by this and asked me where I got mine. “Lens Crafters!”

“They had them there??” She exclaimed. “I probably paid way too much for mine! How much did you pay, if you don’t mind me asking?”

I didn’t mind, but my brain pretty much froze. I’m bad with remembering numbers, I’m better with words/phrases. So I sort of stood there, saying “uhhhhh” and mumbling numbers, gradually getting quieter and quieter, like the Tin Man rusting. It was probably very weird. She cheerfully said, “Never mind”, trying to save me from myself.

“Sometimes I worry I’m not cool enough to wear them,” I said. She laughed and said something like, “I know right? But If I am, you are. Believe me, you are.” Then she went off on her way and I had to fight every urge to yell, “THAT’S THE POWER OF LOOOOOOOVE!!” as she left.

My Michael J. Fox Story:

Full disclosure: aside from Captain Hook, Michael J. Fox was my first serious celebrity crush. I have “Back to the Future” to thank for this. Then in middle school, “Spin City” came out and my love for him was only intensified. I watched all of his crappy 80s movies. Even the weird one where he and Sean Penn are fighting in Vietnam and Sean Penn rapes a woman in the jungle and MJF is like, “Wait what” and my naive self was like, “Wait what?”. In college our school had The Actors Studio and all New School University students were allowed to go to the tapings. I went to the MJF taping and watched James Lipton try to be stoic and say things like, “I own a cave in Malta.” (Seriously.) After the taping I waited out back for MJF to come out so I could tell him how awesome he was and how we had a friend in common (the founder of my high school) and etc but I waited at the wrong entrance. My friend Sean, who I always referred to as “Moondog” because he seemed like a surfer but wasn’t, told me that he happened to run into MJF as he was leaving and shook his hand. I said, “How nice for you, Sean” and quietly seethed. Surf’s up, bitch.

A couple of years ago I had an assistant job for a really nice director. I did things for him and his wife, like go to Fred Segal. It was on one of these Fred Segal excursions that I saw him. Michael J. Fox, chilling out max and relaxing all cool. I couldn’t even look at him, he was so awesome. I slid inside the store, made the exchanges, and then got into the bathroom to collect myself. “If he’s there when I come back, I’ll say something” I told myself. When I got out, he was gone.

But he wasn’t! He was sitting outside! I had to do it. I came up to him, trying really hard to turn down the crazy that I give off naturally.

“Hi!” I said. “Actually, we have a friend in common.” I explained that I went to the same high school that was founded by his friends. “Will you tell them I said hi? My name is Almie!” He was very gracious. I don’t know why I asked him to tell them hi, I hadn’t spoken to them in years. We talked about what good people they were. Then to make things even more dorky I added, “In high school, I won an award named after [one of the founders] for being creative or something!” I said that because I am four-and-a-half and carry Play-Doh in my pocket. But he was very kind and at least feigned interest. “What’s your name again?” he asked, probably to make a note to tell them that a very disturbed individual who went to their school accosted him in the Fred Segal parking lot. I told him, I think he said my name was pretty, but unfortunately I can’t remember most of what he said because the whole time my brain was chanting, “MICHAEL J. FOX MICHAEL J. FOX MICHAEL J. FOX” like the “Charge!” chant at sports events.

“I just think you’re awesome” I blurted out, before running to my car. I think he smiled and thanked me. I got into my car, tried to keep it together, because I really didn’t want to hit another car in front of Michael J. Fox, and before I left I waved. He waved back. Then I got on my phone (hands free!) and called my mom. She picked up and I screamed, “IJUSTMETMICHAELJFOXAAAHFREDSEGALAAHAHH” and she thought I had gotten into a car accident.

Having grown up in LA I never get psyched over seeing celebrities, but “Back to the Future” celebs will always be exceptions (same goes for ‘Twin Peaks” celebs). Is there anyone you flipped out over meeting or really want to meet?

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

What I’ve Learned.

My friend Laura really knows how to pose in photos. She’s incredible.
The only person you can really ever depend on is yourself, so don’t let yourself down!
You can exercise every day but if you eat crap it’s not going to make a damn difference.
Opportunities are there for you to take advantage of. If you don’t, you have no one to blame but yourself!
There is always someone out there stupider than you are.
Rihanna is hard. So hard.
It’s ok for me to say no.
If you’re not being true to yourself and who you are, then there’s no point in even being there. So if you feel you need to paint a lighting bolt on your face to go to a party, then you better fucking do it. Be you!
People are not going to go out of their way to help you.
Image is reality. You can look like who you want to be, even if you’re not. The rest will follow.
Don’t make it easy for people to flake out on you.
This industry scares me.
To be perfectly honest I’m pretty lazy.
I’m so afraid of people saying no that I don’t give them the chance to say yes.
Cooking something is the quickest and easiest way to feeling accomplished.
Marcia Cross is crazy nice.
No one has a definitive answer. One person might hate something that another person loves. All you can do is your best. All you can do is try.
If you don’t try then you can’t complain.
Everyone loves capes. It makes you feel like a kid again.
Dating an actor is a terrible, terrible idea.
Dating a musician isn’t really worth it either.
No one our age knows what they’re doing.
We have no idea how much we should be enjoying our youth.
I would date Kanye West in a heartbeat.
Everyone has to start somewhere. No, really. It’s OK if you’re just starting out. Just own up to your inexperience. Then gain experience.
Only you can make your dreams come true! It sounds corny and it is until it happens. Then it’s fucking rad!! So make it happen!
Whenever it looks hopeless just look at Mickey Rourke. If he can make a comeback, so can you.

Effect & Cause — The White Stripes

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Make An Effort.

Look at Warren Beatty. Do you think he got as many women as he did by dressing like Jon Hamm on his free days? Hell no.

I’ve probably harped about this before but I am getting fed up with the way men of our generation dress when they go out. And by go out I mean, “go out” hit the town go out, not when they leave their house for work or errands or lunch or something, who cares about that.

It just doesn’t seem fair. Women put so much more effort into their appearance. When we go out we blow dry our hair, we put on makeup, we wear pretty clothes and to top that off there’s heels. And men put on a David Bowie tee shirt and jeans and, to quote Cher Horowitz, “We’re supposed to swoon?” (Ok, honestly time, I totally did swoon at the Bowie shirt, but the guy could have thrown at least a blazer over it.)

Look, Leo DiCaprio, I don’t care how famous you are, there is no reason why you should be wearing a baseball cap indoors. Put on a suit. Or at least take off the hat.

The richer people are the more inclined they are to dress poorly. I don’t mean poorly as in financially, though it can; I just mean bad. And not bad, bad, shamone, but bad.

We can’t even count on Jon Hamm to dress nicely. Are you just too fed up with looking good on your show, Jon, that you need to undo all of that by wearing crap when you go out? Do you just think, “Ugh I wear suits at work all the time and look like Cary Grant, goddamn I hate it! Let me grow a beard and look drunk. Perfect. Hamm, you rascal, you’ve done it again!”

I like dressing up. Does that mean that I feel everyone else should? No. But should you, if you’re going out? Yes. Because I’m sick of 20 something men getting away with so much bullshit. The least you can do is look nice. I mean who is that hurting? Everyone wins. Look at Jarvis Cocker.

Just make an effort.

And ladies, save the American Apparel sac dress for daytime. It’s not evening wear. Especially when you wear it super short and without underwear. What is that? What are you trying to prove? You’re a woman, we believe you. Cover your stuff. The 70s are over. I’m sorry you couldn’t participate in them, but you need to get over that and move on.


I’m jaunting off to New York for a week. Please be here when I come back. I love you all, really.

I’m A Lady — Santogold

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Strange Weather.

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a few days. Between Farrah and MJ dying it’s been a very strange couple of days. We live near the Jackson home and all of our streets are blocked off and as I was jogging I got stopped by the news for an interview. The whole thing is just surreal.

outside jackson home june 26

(photo by my mom.)

Ben — Michael Jackson

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

To Do List.

Today was my last day of filming in my “blink and you’ll miss it” feature film debut! But it was very fun. I play a bartender. I always want to be a bartender until I actually go to a bar and then I see how crowded it is and how I’m afraid of counting and I think, “Oh, right. This is why I’m not a bartender.”

Peter Dinklage is the star of the film. My favorite Peter Dinklage performances are his wedding planner in “The Baxter” and his “CALL ME ELF ONE MORE TIME” guy in “Elf”.

Can I say something about Peter Dinklage?

He’s sexy.

No, really.

He’s got a deep sexy voice, a cross between Don Draper and Mufasa. He’s got charisma. He walks around and he stares at you with that classic angry Peter Dinklage stare and you’re frightened that he’s going to kick you but you’re oddly turned on. We were shooting in a restaurant/bar and between takes he wandered over to a piano in the corner and with one hand played the theme from “Jaws”. He’ll keep you on your toes, that Peter Dinklage.

So this brings me to my Celebrity To Do List. Everyone has their list of top 5 celebrities they would get down with, if given the chance. But everyone’s list are always so predictable that I feel silly for sharing mine. The celebrities I want to do are either really old or really dead. But there must be people out there who have similar lists. So I’m going to give you mine. My real one. Not my “1. James Franco 2. James Franco 3. Adrien Brody 4. James Franco 5. James Franco” bullshit list.

5.) Michael Caine
To be honest I probably wouldn’t have sex with him today but I don’t think he’d have me. If I were to try it would probably go something like, “Hey Michael Caine, wanna put it in me?”

And he would say, “I beg your pardon?”

“You wanna do it?”

“Young lady, certainly not.”

“You sure?”

“Listen, I don’t know who you are but I don’t sleep with common prostitues such as yourself, though you have a lovely face. I suggest you spruce up and get a real job and don’t come sodding ’round these parts again.”

“OK, ALFRED.”

And I guess that would be it.

4.) Peter O’Toole


I once tried to write a song and here’s how it went:

“Oh Peter O
Peter O
Peter O’Toole.
Look what you’ve done to my heart!

Peter O
Peter O
Peter O’Toole.
I shoulda known from the start.

I (something something something
something something something) rule.
But I (something something something
something something) in love with Peter O’ Toole–

Oh Peter O
Peter O
Peter O’Toole.
Look what you’ve done to my heart!”

The “(something somethings)” were subsitutes for unwritten lyrics. I sang this song to a musician friend of mine and he said, “Ha…” and then gave me a look that said, “I think my friend is autistic?”

3.) James Dean.


OK BEFORE YOU COMMENT, I KNOW THIS IS A FILM STILL OF JAMES FRANCO AS JAMES DEAN, okay? DO NOT COMMENT “THAT’S JAMES FRANCO, NOT JAMES DEAN” BECAUSE I KNOW THAT. To be honest everything I find sexy about James Dean is probably only because of James Franco’s portrayl and really I would probably rather do James Franco as James Dean rather than James Dean.

2.) Roger Daltrey


Sometimes I’ll be going merrily along through life and I’ll suddenly think, “Why am I not having sex with Roger Daltrey right now?” And I’ll realize just how unfair life is. True story.

1.) David Bowie


I would have sex with Bowie today, tomorrow, 10 years from now, 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, basically right on the day he became legal and every day after. When I was younger I had a big thing for 80s Bowie, with the bleach blonde hair but today I’d rather have late 70s Bowie, but not when he was too strung out because he’d probably impale me with one of his shoulder blades or ribs. But oh what a lovely death.

Honorable mention goes to Don Draper
and YES I KNOW HE’S NOT A REAL PERSON, THANK YOU. I would fuck Don Draper. But I would have a relationship with Roger Sterling.


DAMN I LOVE ME SOME ROGER STERLING. SILVER FOX GODDAMN.

He’d treat me real nice and we’d go to a supper club or Sardi’s back when it was really hip and he’d always light my cigarettes and give me jewelery and say things like, “My God you’re so gorgeous I’m going blind” and he’d give my ass a cute little pat. One dude on Mad Men I would not have sex with is Pete. Pete would probably have a mental breakdown during and then choke back tears and try to spoon with me after and I’d light a cigarette in a long holder and say, “Be a dear and leave, won’t you sweetie?” And he’d say, “I just want to hold you” and I’d say. “Aw, that’s cute. But really hon, you gotta get the hell out.”

BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Is Mick Jagger my real dad?

I don’t want to overwhelm anyone but I have lots of evidence that Mick Jagger might be my real father. The evidence being photos. And faith. Because you gotta have faith. Faith-a-faith-a-faith-faith. Besides, I don’t need evidence. The evidence is in my heart. And in the music.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook