Category Archives: dating

How To Get Over Yet Another Break-Up

break-up

Oh blog, I’m sorry I abandoned ye. Here’s what happened:

I got dumped. Yes, yet another break-up to go through.

And I didn’t even see it coming, which is the worst.

One minute you’ve got a boyfriend and a best friend, and a few minutes later, you’ve got a stranger. And you go from signing emails with “love” to “good luck.” And that’s the hardest part, that strange new world you’re in where everything is different and you’re just trying to see what life will bring in the next 5 minutes because thinking of anything beyond 5 minutes is just too much, too much, too much.

Tolkien once wrote, “Not all those who wander are lost” but some of us are, some of us are really fucking lost and are checking Google maps while texting our ex.

But I’m surviving. I may even be thriving. And one way that I survive and thrive is by making break-up videos. So I present to you, “How To Get Over Yet Another Break-Up.”

Check out the videos “How To Get Over A Break-Up” here (the one that started it all), and “How To Get Over Another Break-Up” here.

 

Photo by Patrick Gookin.

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10 Things How I Met Your Mother Taught Me About Relationships

how i met your mother

How I Met Your Mother is one of those shows I wouldn’t have given a chance to if someone hadn’t turned it on while I was in the room. The title threw me off — it sounded like a cheesy, silly show. But I was wrong. I was so wrong it was legend–wait for it–dary. (Sorry, couldn’t resist).

I can’t believe that it’s ending. Though I got into the show a few years after it premiered, I caught up, and quickly — it was addictive. I’ve been there through all of Ted’s girlfriends, mother material (Victoria) and pure ratings boosters (Katy Perry). I’ve seen all of Barney’s plays, both ridiculous and genius (and some a combination of both). And I’ve suffered through countless Ted/Robin breakups. So here are 10 things How I Met Your Mother taught me, for which I will be forever grateful.

Note: this post was inspired by Simone of Skinny Dip, whose “10 Things I’ve Learned About Love From How I Met Your Mother” is a must read.

10. Everyone needs at least one good friend.

They were lucky enough to be a close-knitted fivesome. Not everyone can have 4 great friends they can rely on. It’s hard enough to make plans with one other person sometimes. But everyone needs at least one good friend to share their triumphs and failures with. Even if it’s your spouse. Lily and Marshall aren’t just a married couple — they’re best friends.

9. It’s okay to be immature sometimes, if it’s all in good fun.

The slap bet. The ducky tie. The “I’m too old for this sh–stuff” list. These were things the gang did that 30 somethings should have abandoned long ago. As I move through my 20’s at a pace that scares the hell out of me, it’s a relief to know that I’m allowed to keep some silliness with me.

8. Just because it looks good on paper, doesn’t mean it’s actually good.

Ted signed up for a dating service and after a long wait, got a result back that seemed to be for his perfect woman. She fit all his requirements. He could check each and every one off his list for “perfect mate”. But he wound up ditching his perfect date in favor of chasing after Robin, who was all wrong for him. It was a lesson Ted had to learn. Just because something looks good on paper, doesn’t mean it’s what you need. Yes, Ted and Robin didn’t work out, but Ted needed to learn that the hard way. Which is another lesson…

7. Sometimes you have to make your own mistakes.

Yes, most of Ted’s friends told him Robin was a bad idea, but he went after her anyway. Lily had to leave Marshall to go to San Francisco to realize how much she needed him. Your friends can talk until they’re out of breath, but ultimately it’s your life and you need to do whatever you need to do. Getting back together with Robin (about a million times) was a series of wonderful mistakes Ted had to make, because it helped him grow and made him realize what, and who it is, he really wanted.

6. “Mother Of Pearl” is a great wedding song.

I’ve always been a fan of Roxy Music, but it wasn’t until a specific moment in How I Met Your Mother that I utterly fell in love with them, and the song, “Mother Of Pearl”. Back on #8, when Ted thinks about giving up Robin in favor of his “perfect on paper” girl, he imagines getting married to her and then seeing Robin at the ceremony watching him with a look of sorrow on her face. That’s when he realizes he wants her, as Bryan Ferry moans, “Oh mother of pearl, I wouldn’t trade you for another girl.” It’s a great moment that stuck with me so hard, I’m gonna have to play it at my own wedding.

5. People can change (read: everybody grows up at some point.)

Barney went from being the biggest jerkiest man slut in all of man sluttington to being a (somewhat) mature married man. People change, meaning that people grow up. “As we mature, the relationship matures with us,” Marshall once said, of his marriage to Lily. It’s true; they weren’t the same people they were when they met in college. It doesn’t mean they turned into incredibly different people; Barney didn’t either. He always had the power to commit, it just had to be when he was ready. So don’t lose faith in people.

4. People are crazy because they’re insecure.

When Ted dated “Blah Blah” (we learned years later that her name is actually Carol), she came off as, well, totally crazy. Her actions inspired Barney to create the Vicky Mendoza Diagonal, AKA, The Hot/Crazy Scale. From Urban Dictionary (yes):

The Vicky Mendoza diagonal is a specific kind of line on the “Hot/Crazy Scale”. The Diagonal runs straight from the bottom left corner to the top right, signifying that the woman in question is crazy, but her hotness balances this out. The Hotter she is the more crazy she is allowed to be.

Blah Blah Carol was crazy, but only because she was clearly intimidated by Robin. It can definitely be intimidating to hang around your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend, especially if he’s still friends with her. She didn’t handle it well, but it was because her insecurities got the better of her. Also keep in mind when Marshall invited Chloe over to his apartment. She wound up trashing his place, but only because he got back together with Lily. No, I’m not condoning her actions, but I can understand why she did it: she was insecure about his relationship. Insecurity breeds craziness.

3. It is shockingly easy in life to part ways with people forever.

Older Ted (read: Bob Saget voice) tells his children, “You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever.” And I went “oof” and wrote about it, because it’s so true. Relationships of any kind take commitment. If you really want to keep someone in your life, you have to work at it. How many times have you told a friend, “Let’s totally hang out sometime!” only to never actually totally hang out? To quote comedian John Mulaney, “Percentage wise, it is 100% easier not to do things than to do them.” So if there’s a friend you want in your life, let them know it. Make plans with them and keep them.

2. Relationships are about getting close — sometimes too close for comfort.

Lily and Marshall prided themselves on never peeing in front of each other — which changed in season 1. By the end of the series, they’re shouting at each other from the bathroom and talking about Lily’s bowel movements (“I don’t control when my deuces happen Marshall, deuces are wild!”) Barney used to step outside of his apartment building just so he wouldn’t have to fart around his fiancé (at the time), Quinn. But eventually he realized how ridiculous that was, and she confessed she’d been using the balcony for her “me time”. If you’re going to be in a committed relationship and live together, you’re eventually going to have to deal with stuff like that. But it’s okay. It’s normal.

1. Make the most out of every minute.

The scene that got me hooked on How I Met Your Mother was Ted’s “2 minute date”. Stella, Ted’s dermatologist, tells Ted she can’t date him because she doesn’t have time to date — she only gets, “like 2 minutes for lunch.” So Ted puts together an entire date in 2 minutes, timing it to perfection, from dinner to the movies to coffee, all set to Big Star’s “Thirteen”. It’s a wonderful moment and it shows that you can do a lot in 2 minutes. Yes, it’s a TV show (I mean obviously, and that should go without saying) but it’s a reminder that you should make the most out of every minute. If you really love someone, 2 minutes is worth savoring. And that goes for life. We should make the most out of every moment that we have.

What did YOU learn from How I Met Your Mother?

 

 

Photo: CBS via Zimbio

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“HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN”: 10 PIECES OF DATING ADVICE FROM 1954

HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN joe bonomo

Do you need help finding a man? Joe Bonomo would like to offer his dating advice with his 64 page book titled How To Find Your Man from 1954. Want to find and keep “Your Man”? Follow these tips!

1. Start by filling out a handy chart of “yes” or “no” questions.

HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN 1950'S DATING ADVICE

Here are the questions (and Joe asks that you fill them out twice. First before reading the book, and then after.)

1. Sure you want to find him? (Sure.)
2. Are you ready for him? (Oh yeah.)
3. Are you mentally relaxed? (Hahahahahaha.)
4. Are you honest with yourself? (Sure.)
5. Can you be honest with him? (Oh yeah.)
6. Are you feminine in appearance? (…what?)
7. Do you look happy? (Well not when I’m having panic attacks, which is fairly often.)
8. Can you share? (Yeah unless it’s my stuff.)
9. Want a guy who’s not quite perfect? (Are you hitting on me, Joe?)
10. Are you prompt for dates? (I try my best, I swear!)
11. Is your outfit complimentary to him? (Yes, I spied on him before our date and matched my outfit accordingly, down to the tie.)
12. Do you want him tailored to fit your idea of Mr. Right? (Who is Mr. Right, really?)

So how did you do, ladies?

2. “Thank your stars”.

HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN 1950'S DATING ADVICE

Joe suggests thanking your lucky stars and basically chilling the fuck out. “Have you ever noticed, that often, when you try to play the hardest…you can’t win the game you’re playing? But, when you don’t give a darn, it falls into your lap? That a job promotion…a salary raise…a nice present comes expectedly? When you’re relaxed, you’re more attractive to your friends, your boss…and the guy you’ve just met.” Hey, maybe it’ll happen to be all three! I gotta give Joe props for assuming that some women actually have — gasp — jobs.

3. Be feminine.

HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN 1950'S DATING ADVICE

This one is very important to ole Joe. You’ve just got to be feminine or you’ve got no chance, no matter how many lucky stars you’re thanking. Not sure if you’re feminine? Here’s a handy checklist!

  • “Do you remember daintiness, at all times?” (I knew I forgot something, I thought it was pants, turns out it was daintiness!)
  • “Can you wear slacks or shorts and still be girlish…and do you avoid them otherwise?” (I regularly avoid pants, yes.)
  • “When you’re dressing for an evening date, do you avoid mannish suits?” (No, I like to wear my gigantic David Byrne suit.)
  • “Do you always remember that white gloves, or a white collar, should be spotless?” (Great, now I need to buy white gloves.)
  • “Do you take the time to use a drop of perfume…to put on a piece of jewelry…Not too much of it please!” (Shut up, Joe.)
  • “Do you watch your posture…never sprawling or slouching?” (I’m actually trying to improve my posture, yes.)
  • “Do you remember not to stride…to walk with a spring that looks as if you like to dance?” (I’m pretty sure only Disney Princesses can walk this way and get away with it.)
  • “Do you watch the way you use your voice in conversation?” (No I CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.)

The book also suggests that you should look happy. “…You actually have to learn to live happily as a single person before you can expect to live happily married.” That’s actually good advice! “On the other hand, don’t go overboard!” Damn it Joe, we were so close.

4. Don’t be late on your dates. But if he is, try to deal with it.

HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN 1950'S DATING ADVICE

Joe points out that some rascally girls love to be late for dates, so as not to appear “too eager.” But Joe thinks you should be courteous. If you wouldn’t want him to be late, then you shouldn’t be either. But what if he is late? “Give him a chance to explain. If he is never on time, you’ll soon decide whether you want to be bothered with him…or whether you’re so far gone for him that it’s part of his nature you’ll learn to put up with.” So basically, deal with it, gals.

5. Dress to impress.

HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN 1950'S DATING ADVICE

To find your man, you’ve got to look good. Like, really good. Before going on dates, you need to ask yourself, “Do you look as though you have taken care with your grooming? And your dress?” (NEVER SLACKS, LADIES.) “Or do you look as though any old thing would do? Of course it’s best never to overdress…but don’t be timid either! Look special so he’ll know you think he’s something special.” Buddy Joe notes that “dressing appropriately doesn’t necessarily mean expensively. Like all gals today, you already know that.” Hey, thanks for giving us the benefit of the doubt. For once. Just don’t you dare forget that, “wearing clothes that are fresh and spotless is a compliment to Your Man!” (And yes, Your Man really is capitalized in the book.)

Oh and in case you were worried about this, the book assures you, “you don’t need mink!” But you should know how to sew. “Wait until he admires your bouse…and then let him know you’re pleased he likes it, because you made it yourself.” Don’t bother with fur, learn to sew, got it.

6. Follow and memorize these “six simple rules”:

  • “Be lovely to look at…at all times.” (ALL times? Aw, man.)
  • “Have a ready smile. He may see it…even though you haven’t noticed him yet.” (What? Is he hiding?)
  • “Budget your times to include Your Man…whether you’ve met him yet or not.” (Joe, you cray.)
  • “Budget your energy…in the same way.” (k.)
  • “When you meet him…charm him with sincerity and your own natural sweetness…accented with care for your appearance and disposition.” (UGH, WE GET IT JOE, WE ALL NEED TO LOOK HOT AND HAPPY.)

7. Wear a lot of makeup, wash constantly, and worry about your neck.

HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN DATING ADVICE 1950'S

Guys, Joe is OBSESSED with ladies’ appearance. He thinks women should wear makeup and be very clean, always. Want to follow his skin regimen? “Twice a day, give your face a bath…using a soft washcloth. […] Never wash your face with hot water! Use lukewarm water to start…and finish with cold. Cold water makes a velvet skin!” Okay I’m totally pro being clean and washing your face, but the way he describes. the whole thing is a little, “it puts the lotion in the basket”. Check out his makeup tips: “When you’re applying foundation cream…remember the way you do it is important. Rubbing around and around, or carelessly up and down…won’t do anything to prevent sagging and stretching. […] move up the neck, never down.” NEVER DOWN, NEVAAAAR!

He is also very obsessed with ladies’ necks. “A man looks at a horse’s teeth to tell his age…he often looks at a woman’s neck to see how wrinkled or dried up it is…for the same reason.” Wow! Charming!

There are more pages spent on appearance in this book than on anything else.

8. Say “yes” to everything.

HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN 1950'S DATING ADVICE

I get his point here: “You won’t find him by sitting home alone.” So what can you do? “Be available. Try having a Yes campaign! Say ‘yes’ when knock-kneed Susie at the office asks you home to dinner…her brother Joe may be handsome!” (I’m dying here. “Knock-kneed” Susie? And we get it Joe, you’re a catch.) “Say ‘yes’ when boring cousin Kate asks you to a party at her house…it may turn out to be the time when you meet That Guy who definitely doesn’t bore you!” Who the hell are these people??

9. “Budget your energy”.

HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN 1950'S DATING ADVICE

Joe is getting up in our face here. “Must you really spend Saturday afternoon window-shopping…when you have no intention of buying?” The hell do you care, Joe? Well his problem is we could be using that time to find Our Man! And by the way, you should take his advice as soon as possible. Joe suggests you even do it “today“. And don’t waste your “emotional energy” either. If you break up with some clown, buck up and get it together so you have good energy for when you meet Your Man.

10. Go out more, do more things, meet more people.

HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN 1950'S DATING ADVICE

Joe suggests that in order to find the man you want, you have to go where he wants to be. So if you want a man who likes music, go to a concert. Joe is even forward-thinking enough to suggest that women can be interested in politics and that you should “join your favorite political party and attend meetings and rallies” if that’s what you’re and your dream man are into. But he also suggests folk dancing and attending church regularly, so he’s keeping it balanced. And if you have a dog, use it to your advantage. Take it to a dog park and get the dog to hit on a guy for you.

Ultimately, though some of these tips are horribly old-fashioned to the point of being offensive, some of them make absolute sense. What do you guys think of these 1950′s dating tips?

 

Originally posted by me on The Gaggle.

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Ask Apocalypstick: When Should I Dump My Boyfriend?

brigitte-bardot-2

Boyfriend dilemmas are a very special kind of pain and frustration. Our latest question for the Ask Apocalypstick series comes from someone who needs some boyfriend help.

My boyfriend of 15 months is mostly a pretty great guy, but a month ago he had a big freak out. Our whole relationship we’ve been talking about getting married, our future together, etc. But now I’m not allowed to mention the future or marriage or question why he won’t move closer to me. Should I keep dating someone who doesn’t want to marry me?? Oh yeah p.s we met in Australia and I moved here for him 4 months ago. — Anon

It’s very telling that you addressed your email to me with “when” should I dump my boyfriend, instead of leaving it open. It’s kind of like you know what you want to do. But here’s my advice.

The whole “not allowed” part worries me. If you truly feel that you’re “not allowed” to ask your boyfriend about major life issues that involve you, that’s not good.  If you feel you can’t ask him a reasonable question like “why won’t you move closer to me?” that is also not good.

You’ve been together for 15 months. I can understand why someone would have a “big freak out” around this point in the relationship. He may feel that talking about marriage is expected and fine and good, but now actually taking the steps towards marriage is making him nervous. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to get married. It means he has to accept that he has to grow up and give up a life he’s been used to for years and years. That can be scary. And sometimes, people act irrationally when they’re scared. Which it sounds like he’s doing. He’s probably also feeling a tremendous amount of pressure considering that you moved for him.

I’m not excusing his behavior. He needs to be an adult. You need to tell him that you can understand his fear and concerns, which is why you’d like to sit down with him and talk it out. You’re a person and you’re worthy of his time, consideration, and kindness. Set a timer for an hour if you have to. If he can’t give you one hour of real talk about your lives, he’s not going to give you years of marriage. And if marriage is what you want, then you shouldn’t make any more sacrifices that aren’t headed in that direction and only make you unhappy.

What do you guys think? Help Anon out.

 

If you’d like to ask me a question, send it on over. Please note if you’d like to be anon or use a fake name. Also realize that by sending me your question, you are giving me consent to post it on my site and possibly edit it for length. I post questions every Friday. I give honest advice that isn’t mean. I am not responsible for your decisions or your future. It’s going to be okay.

Photo credit: Brigitte Bardot by Bill Ray for LIFE, via LIFE photo archives hosted by Google.

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Do NOT Use This Pick Up Artist Technique

teenagers carnaby street 1960's london

Note: this is a bad technique if this is how you’re trying to meet a girl. Obviously if you’ve already been on one (or more) great dates and you think she’d dig this, then do it. This is being reviewed as a tip for how to meet a woman/get to know a woman you just met at a bar/public place. Do NOT use this pick up artist technique.

A new PUA (“pick-up artist”) technique for hitting on women suggests that you “accidentally” but on purpose graze a girl’s boob. Found on the polarizing “seduction” section of Reddit, one user posted this tip as “gold.” It’s actually an old tip, but it’s new to me. Here’s the plan, transcribed and edited for length:

This is a very important method of kino [to touched or be touched] that has never been mentioned…it’s “the boob touch.”

You need to be holding a drink in order for this to work. When you’re talking to a girl and standing close to her, you lean in and talk into her ear, while your hand that’s holding the drink makes contact with her boob. Leave it there; you’ll be surprised by how many girls let you keep it there and they may actually push up against it. Remember, this is the back of your hand touching her, so it seems totally unintentional. If she backs away, you can immediately realize that she’s gonna take some effort, so if you want you can “Next” her without suffering any humiliation whatsoever.

… Add this little “magic trick” to your arsenal, DJs, and you will be pleasantly surprised.

Apparently “this little magic trick” upset a few people, the few who pointed out that it was creepy were accused of, “white knighting more than usual.” Really sad that by saying, “hey, it’s gross to touch a woman’s boobs without asking” one gets insulted.

There are so many things problematic with this “method” without even reading the comments that support it, like “this is a surprisingly effective move” and “Fuck the negative comments…This type of kino isn’t bad especially when girls on the dance floor are grinding the shit out of your junk with their ass” I’ll just list them.

1. It suggests that women have boobs solely for guys to touch. That because we have them, and we’re in public, they’re yours for “accidental” touching.

2. What if women “accidentally” grazed a guy’s dong? (Yes, I say dong.) Go ahead dudes, joke that you’d love it, but I don’t think you would. I think you’d feel embarrassed. Which brings me to #3.

3. “You’ll be surprised by how many girls let you keep  it [your hand] there [on her boobs].” Wanna know why she’s “letting” you “keep it there”? She’s embarrassed. She’s embarrassed for you, and she’s embarrassed for herself. She wants to believe that it was an accident, because everyone wants to believe that no one is purposefully creepy and weird, and she feels embarrassed that you did that and she’s actually trying to save you humiliation. Then, when you’re not moving it, she’s wondering, “Okay, wait, is this on purpose? Oh God, what do I do?” Because, you see, as much as women would like to rightly tell you off, a lot of women are still too scared to do so, because we’re ingrained to be polite, and also, we’re afraid you’re going to flip out and hurt us. (“We” is shorthand. Not every woman has these fears, the same as not every man believes this is an effective way to hit on women.) Guys, you may not understand this. You may say, “Bullshit, if you don’t like it, just say so.” It’s not always that easy. If you’re a woman, it is very likely that at some point in your life, you’ve been catcalled/harassed on the street or had some guy get in your face and call you a bitch (or worse) for not wanting to give him your phone number. And sometimes, we just get so tired. We’re so tired of having to deal with this shit. It’s 2013.

4. This tip further suggests that if we do not fancy your public groping, it’s because we’re high maintenance and not worthy of your attention. It’s almost as though we shouldn’t be offended when you touch us. That maybe we should even offer a friendly boob grab upon meeting.

5. And finally, the last terrible thing about this advice is that it gives you permission not only to do this but to not be embarrassed when a woman calls you out for putting your hand on her breast, in public, without asking. Yeah, whoops, our bad. Sorry, guys!

To any men who read this “kino” technique and think it’s good: it isn’t. Is that to say that some woman out there wouldn’t love this? No. Is she a bad woman for liking this? No. I am saying that the majority of women would not appreciate this, at all, and it’s not worth being branded a creep in trying to find out. Because you will be. You will be known as “that creep who touched my boob at the bar” by the woman you touched, and all the friends she told. And believe me, she will tell her friends.

If you want some non-creepy pick up ideas, I got some for ya right here.

Reposted from The Gaggle. Written by me. Photo credit: “Teenagers in London’s Carnaby Street” from The National Archives UK via Flickr Commons

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10 Things That Will End A Relationship Before It Begins

Actress Sophia Loren humorously berating her husband, movie producer Carlo Ponti, while dining in restaurant. Alfred Eisensteadt

Relationships are hard. So hard, that sometimes we destroy them before they even come to be. We’re just so excited about this new person, this new prospect, that we just want to jump to the end where everyone is happy and in love. And in doing that, we ruin the whole thing. If this hasn’t happened to you yet, keep doing what you’re doing and avoid doing these things. And to those who have done one, or some, or all of these things — I feel you. I really do.

Here are 10 things that will end a relationship before it begins.

10. Being available all the time.

jason segal gif

If you’re available a lot, that’s fine. But don’t let anyone know that. You want people (and not just people you want to date and have sexy times with) to think that you’ve got a life full of important and fabulous things to do. And if you’ve got too much time on your hands, then find something to do. Clean your apartment. Make plans to see that friend you haven’t seen in years — and actually do it. Make your own schedule.

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Ten Dating Mistakes People Make

las vegas

Dating kind of sucks sometimes, especially when you do that thing when you think, “Wow, I’ve just ruined everything.” Here are 10 Dating Mistakes People Make. Most of these I have done. No one is alone here.

10. Forcing conversation.

mad men don draper i love puppies gif

It’s so easy to do this one. I think all of us want to avoid awkward silences, but we all know that trying to make something less awkward only makes it more awkward. So many times I tell myself, “Don’t be awkward. You’re fine. Just be breezy.” But that usually makes it worse.

9. Analyzing every text.

man who fell to earth bowie gif

Some people don’t have their phone glued to them like you do. Some people don’t text as often as you do. Some people don’t like to text as much as you do. Thus, some people do not put in a lot of thought into their texts, other than to get pertinent information across. Do not break down 300 characters into a 5 paragraph essay.

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