David Bowie is dead. This has nothing to do with the best picture nominees of 2016, but it needs to be said. I am having a difficult time coping with his death, so I thought I’d try and distract myself by writing about movies. So here is my take on the 2016 best picture nominees, as represented by GIFs of David Bowie.
Mad Max: Fury Road
Mad Max is a movie about the worst road trip ever. You’ve got Tom Hardy who is, yet again, wearing a stupid thing on his face. You’ve got a bunch of angry Australian people. You’ve got Charlize Theron being totally badass but only having 6 lines. The whole thing is like a ride at Universal Studios, but the kind of ride where you’re sitting in something and the screen is moving but you’re barely moving, and you’re trying to believe that you’re there, but if you just look behind you, you see an exit sign, but you’re not allowed to leave. And everyone else around you is like, “Holy shit, guys, we’re moving!” and you’re like, “No, we’re not, we’re not doing anything” and then you take some Ativan and suddenly the film is a lot more enjoyable.
The Revenant is a movie about the worst camping trip ever. Leonardo DiCaprio gets left behind in the snowy wilderness by Tom Hardy, who, instead of having a face contraption, has a stupid beard, so once again, you can’t tell it’s Tom Hardy. Fuck that guy. That guy needs to man up and show his fucking face. Anyway, Leonardo DiCaprio has to find food and shelter, and he soon realizes that sometimes, those are the same thing. And he’ll probably win an Oscar for this which will be awesome because then everyone can shut the fuck up about him not having an Oscar.
Room is a movie about the worst landlord ever. Brie Larson plays a woman who is trapped in a room for 7 years with a kid. Jesus Christ. The kid is annoying. Then William H. Macy shows up, acts pissed off, and leaves the movie. Oh, and spoiler alert: it’s not even a room, it’s a shed. False advertising. It should be called Shed.
Spotlight is a movie about the worst episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit ever. A bunch of newspapers reporters are like, “Aw, jeez, priests are touching kids!” And Mark Ruffalo is like, “Someone’s gotta stop them, guys! They’re touching kids! We gotta stop ’em!” and slams a door. And everyone’s like, “Yeah.” And Stabler and Benson are nowhere to be found, so it’s basically the longest, most boring episode of SVU ever made.
Bridge of Spies
Bridge of Spies is a movie about the worst bridge ever. There are so many great bridges out there, like the Brooklyn Bridge, or the Golden Gate Bridge, or the Bridge on the River Kwai, or Jeff Bridges. And they choose to make a movie about a bridge of spies? That isn’t even structurally sound. Pass.
The Big Short
The Big Short is a movie about the worst episode of The Office ever. Steve Carrell is Michael Scott but without the endearing qualities of Michael Scott. Ryan Gosling is a jacked-up Jim. Brad Pitt is Stanley, because he doesn’t give a fuck. And Christian Bale is skinny Dwight. Everyone’s talking at you through the screen and commenting on what’s going on and you’re just like, what the fuck is going on, is this a movie? Or is this a YouTube video that got out of control? And where are the leading female characters? Did the 2008 housing crisis happen only to men?
The Martian is a movie about why we should never let Matt Damon go into space. How the fuck do you get typecast as the guy who gets stranded in space? We get it, you suck at space. Stop going there. Space is not for you. Jesus.
Brooklyn is a movie about who the fuck cares, this looks boring as shit.
Goddamnit, I miss David Bowie.