Disney | APOCALYPSTICK

I’m sorry but who were those assholes who said money can’t buy you happiness? It wasn’t The Beatles; they said money can’t buy you love, and I agree with that. But money can definitely buy you happiness. Think it doesn’t? Tell that to the women in Sephora. If I had money I would buy a tasty little Spyder like the one James Dean had. But unlike James Dean I wouldn’t, uh, crash to death in it. Don’t get me wrong — Alfie is my dream and he is everything I could ever want and I love him to death — Alfie being my Mini Cooper convertable. But a vintage Spyder 550 (or remake of one) would be something I might consider marrying.

If I had ridiculous sums of money I think another fun thing to do would put together an album of Disney songs as reinterpreted by Indie bands. You know. Just because I could. It would look something like this:

1.) Hakuna Matata (The Lion King) — Vampire Weekend.

This is perfect, right? You can already hear them singing this in your head, can’t you? Let Vampire Weekend inflict their stolen Paul Simon sound on Hakuna Matata because it would be so right.

2.) Part Of Your World (The Little Mermaid) — Girls

Have you gotten on the Girls train yet? Why the hell not? Tickets are free, there’s plenty of room, and there’s even a cute little dessert cart that comes down the aisle. This is what I’ve gathered from reading about trains, as I haven’t been on a train in a few years and it was more like a glorified subway car and I took too many xanax and slammed my head against the metal ledge on the window. Gosh I love Girls! “I’ve got gadgets and gismos a plenty” I can hear Christopher Owens moan. Girls isn’t made up of real girls but don’t tell me that they couldn’t convey the heartache that Ariel felt because they totally could.

3.) Theme From Disneyland’s Main Street Electrical Parade — MGMT

If you’re a fan of Disneyland you either find the Main Street Electrical Parade music charming or extremely irritating. If you’re a fan of modern music you either find the music of MGMT charming or extremely irritating. It’s a match made in keyboard heaven! Don’t know what the theme sounds like? Look it up! I’m sure it’s on youtube somewhere. Don’t make me do everything for you. I’m not your nanny. I never had a nanny. I had a Guatemalan housekeeper named Grace and she loved us. That’s even better.

4.) Colors Of The Wind (Pocahontas) — Bjork

Is this too obvious? OK tell you what. If you still need convincing I will do a quick little video of me as Bjork doing this song. I know, right, I’m like the drunk girl at a party who’s shouting to no one, “DON’T make me show you my boobs!!!!” and then takes off her shirt to the sounds of silence.

5.) Kiss The Girl (The Little Mermaid) — M. Ward

I like M. Ward’s version of Let’s Dance. If he can turn Let’s Dance into a haunting song about love and destruction and add seagull noises that actually only add to the strange beauty of it, think of what he could do with an already tender song about really wanting to kiss a girl, “floating in a blue lagoon”? Guys…I think I just fainted a little.

6.) Cruella DeVille (The 101 Dalmatians) — She & Him

I swear, I’m not even a huge fan of M. Ward but how perfect would Zooey D’s old time jazzy voice sound on this track? I say track because that’s what people in music say. I know this because I’ve seen Spinal Tap a few times. “We say, ‘Love your brother.’ We don’t say it really, but…” “We don’t literally say it.” “No, we don’t say it.” “We don’t really, literally mean it.” “No, we don’t believe it either, but…” “But we’re not racists.” “But that message should be clear, anyway.” “We’re anything but racists.”

7.) Once Upon A Dream (Sleeping Beauty) — Camera Obscura

I can already hear some of you muttering, “Oh, yeah, Camera Obscura, so indie, Apolcaypstick…for 2004! Lame.” To that I say, get back to fixing Lost, J. J. Abrams.

8.) Let’s Go Fly A Kite (Mary Poppins) — Charlotte Gainsbourg (with Beck producing)

With her perfect diction and almost wispy voice I think Charlotte Gainsbourg could make a fun, if eerie, production out of this. Why isn’t she stopping in LA on her tour? Why does she have to go to Coachella? Ugh, Coachella.

9.) I Won’t Say I’m In Love (Hercules) — Dum Dum Girls

I don’t know much about these here Dum Dum Girls but I love their latest album and I think their fuzzy beach rock would improve this already kick ass song that I maybe sing really loudly in my car. I’m thinking they would slow it down a little, stick a tambourine in there, and it’s a hit. On the blogs.

10.) Gaston (Beauty and the Beast) — ???

TRICK QUESTION there is no band/singer out there that would do justice to this amazing song. Can you think of one?

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Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gaston/
Looking so down in the dumps.
Every guy here like’d to be ya, Gaston/
even when taking your lumps.
There’s no man in town as admired as you
You’re everyone’s favorite guy.
Everyone’s awed and inspired by you/
and it’s not very hard to see why.”Today I met with an agent who told me she thought I was really talented and seemed to really like me, but given what the economy is at the moment, she feels she cannot take a risk on newcomers. Were this three years ago, she might be able to sign me. Which is great to know because now I’ll just ask my BFF Marty McFly if I can borrow his time machine.

What do I do when I get down? I eat McDonalds. Then I feel like I’m going to die. Then maybe it’s the combination of the sugary, salty, fatty food and the feeling that my life is about to end but something cheers me up and I start to look to my ultimate lifecoach/style icon/general awesome dude for guidance, and his name’s G-A-S…T…G-A-S-T-E….G-A-S-T-O…Ohhh…Gaston!

Gaston and I are really similar. We both have swell clefts in our chins. We both get melodramatic (“Dismissed, rejected, publicity humiliated — why it’s more than I can bear!”). No one can go stomping around wearing boots the way we do. We both use antlers in all of our decorating. OK, fine, I am aware that giraffes do not have antlers, but that paper mache giraffe head is the only animal head I own. It’s close enough.

I may not be the size of a barge or have biceps to spare but if pressed, I guess I could come up with a list of things about me that are great.

I have nice strong hair. I have the ability to somehow guess the correct year in which any film was made. Cats really like me. I usually (this photo aside) photograph pretty well. I can sometimes make people laugh so hard they spit out their drink. Few people have eyelashes as long as mine. I’m especially good at procrastinating.

If anything, listening to “Gaston” when I’m sad reminds me of being a little kid again. “Beauty and the Beast” is one of those movies that can make you feel OK if you just let it. Not like that bullshit “Love, Actually.”

To get that Gaston look of your own:
Dress/tunic: American Apparel.
Tights are from Bloomingdales but you can also use leggings. Gaston is a big fan of leggings.
Boots: Aldo.
The belt was 50 cents at a garage sale.
Note: I don’t actually recommend wearing this in public but I think the idea of it is nice.