Category Archives: facebook

Where Are All The Awesome Guys?

A friend of mine (who will remain nameless, under threat of her fist to my face) is having a hard time finding a guy. She’s not even looking for something serious. She just wants someone to charge a little something to her AmEx, if you know what I’m saying. She wants Santa to give her a a bag full of toys, if you get my drift. She wants someone to sort out her recycling and maybe help her pick out a good paint color for her living room, something not too bold but not too boring, maybe something that will pick up one of the accent colors in one of her new throw pillows that she got from Pier One, which has surprisingly chic and modern home accessories at very reasonable prices, if you know what I mean.

She wants to get laid.

I went boy shopping on facebook (that’s when you look at all of the cute single guys you know on facebook, and cute single guys of friends, and then finally, cute single guys of friends of friends) in hopes of finding someone suitable. The candidates were underwhelming. All of the great guys I knew either a.) had girlfriends b.) were gay c.) lived in New York or d) wait who is this guy and why is he my friend on Facebook?. I suggested she would have a better time by herself, to which she said, “I don’t need to get any better at masturbating, you know?” Which I thought was a really solid point.

It should not be this difficult for a hot, smart, funny, and successful chick to find a guy to have a fun, casual, non-creepy time with. Guys think it’s very easy for women. “You’re the one with boobs,” they say. “How hard can it be?” It’s hard, guys. I blame the Internet. No, I really do. My friend wisely pointed out that Gen X had the same problems and they didn’t have the Internet to which I said, “Stop ruining my theory with logic, that’s so lame.” But I think that the Internet turned us into monsters. There’s two major extremes with finding people on the Internet: sites where you can find a quick “hook-up” in your area, which I personally think is really dangerous, or sites like J-Date where you can theoretically find a nice Jewish boy but can maybe be just as dangerous as say, Craiglist. Then again a good friend of mine found her cute and normal (!!!) boyfriend on Craigslist so what the hell do I know? Wait what was my point?

I just think we’ve become too used to the Internet as a way to snoop but not as a way to really connect. I think the best way to meet cute guys is at parties; that way you’re sure to meet a friend of a friend. Maybe that’s why I referred to parties as “real life Facebook”. Then I realized how completely sad that sounded. What is this world coming to? Or maybe not, world, but generation? Why is Justin Bieber always a trending topic on twitter? Who is responsible for this?

I’ve tried to find potential guys on Facebook, but when a girl messages a guy on Facebook, he automatically thinks it’s for sex. And I’m like, baby, baby, baby, oh. Like, baby, baby, baby, NO! I’m sorry, this Justin Bieber song has forced its way into my very soul. I played it at work right before closing and as I was helping the last couple in the store, asking them if there was anything else they needed, the tough looking tattoo’d guy said, “Uh, can you play that Justin Bieber song again?” I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not so I just laughed.

My friend deserves an awesome, attractive, creative, and smart guy. I know they’re out there. It’s just unfortunate that she’s so awesome, because maybe if she were less awesome we’d have an easier time finding someone for her. Few people are awesome.

Birds Of A Feather — Tim Curry

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How To Appear Popular.

Rename all of the contacts in your phone with celebrity names. Then leave your phone lying out for someone to find. Chuckle when you say, “Kiki Dunst just loves texting.”

Write inside jokes on your friends’ walls. It doesn’t matter if they’re actually in on the joke. I find Simpsons quotes work well. Just pick a friend’s facebook page and write on it, “I call the big one bitey.” Everyone will read this exchange and think that you and your friend really have something special going. Note: you can do this with someone who isn’t really your friend but you want people to think you’re friends. And voila: instant private joke.

Get as many twitter followers as you can, even if they’re spam robots. If you can’t get lots of followers on twitter then don’t even get a twitter. Tell people, “Once I hit over a thousand followers it just got too difficult to deal with.” Then give a half smile that says something like, “You know how it is” and take a sip of your mocha latte.

When you arrive somewhere crowded alone pretend that you’re waving to your friend across the room. Smile, wave, and shout something like, “Are you going to David’s later?” Then laugh and clap and shake your head like, “Oh, that guy.” Then get to the bar and start drinking.

Write everything that you’re going to do in your planner but spin it. For example, going to Starbucks becomes coffee date or morning meeting. It’s important to fill your planner on the off chance that someone sees it. You’re going to want to appear busy. Write names under these plans. Find out the name of your favorite barista and put his/her name under “meeting, 10:30.” You’ll know what it really means but other people won’t. Patrick Bateman did something like this when he told Detective Kimball that he had a meeting at The Four Seasons with Cliff Huxtable. It’s just what people do.

Photograph everything you do and then put it on Facebook and then tag everyone and yourself. People will think, “Marcy sure does have a lot of friends and exciting things that she’s doing.” Maybe don’t photograph everything but just the events in which you’re dressed nicely and out with others. Don’t photograph yourself with your cat and then tag your cat. Everyone knows that cats don’t have Facebook profiles. Cats still use MySpace.

If you do all of these things then you will either be the most popular kid in town or the least. Ow, my eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!

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Do Nothing, Get Everything.

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I think from now on I’m just going to stop caring about anything. So many of my friends have “accidentally” gotten book deals or small parts in movies just by chance. (This again reminds me that I should just stop checking facebook.) I am going to apply this to everything I do in life. I’m going to just keep eating whatever I want because I’ll just happen to stumble upon the perfect body, right? Or I can ask W Magazine to photoshop a supermodel’s onto every facebook photo of me, that works too, apparently.

Who are these people who are such good friends with serendipity? These are the same people who meet the loves of their lives “when they’re least expecting it” and they always tell us that that’s how we too can meet our soul mates. “Just stop looking,” they say. “That’s how it happens.”
So if I want everything does that mean I have to do nothing?
Just hum my way through my days, eating bagels filled with cream cheese and jam (I’m thinking about these new freezer products I bought today, their insanely unhealthy appeal was a like siren song), skipping Dick Van Dyke style into success?
That’s why so many models are actresses. “I never wanted to be an actress,” they say. “I just sort of fell into it.” So-and-so said they looked the part and had them read and the rest is Ali MacGraw’s history. Goddamn it I hate beautiful people so much.
But Lady GaGa worked her ass off to get to where she is and in just one year she went from “Who is that and what the hell is she wearing” to “OMFG DANNY DEVITO I LOVE YOUR WORK!” (That was a Mean Girls reference, by the way, I know that Danny DeVito and Lady GaGa are not the same person…unless…)
I’m just so confused! I guess there are two types of people: 1.) those who fall into things by accident and get what they want and 2.) those who work their ass off to get what they want. But both require a bit of luck.
I need to improve my luck. Can I go to a luck doctor? Like…can someone fill me a prescription for luck? Money is no object here and really, you can give me a pill bottle full of Skittles, just don’t tell me. The placebo effect is very powerful.
Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.
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What Don't You Fucking Understand?

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Yes, friends, it’s another Facebook post. WAIT, DO NOT LEAVE, PLEASE. DO NOT CLICK THE LITTLE “X.” DO NOT GO INTO KARLA’S CLOSET OR INTO THE VAST DESERT OF ONTD. STAY WITH ME A LITTLE LONGER. DO NOT GO GENTLY INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT.

OK now that it’s just us, let’s get really intimate. Let’s talk about stuff. Let’s throw it out there, like a deer carcass on a table.

Remember when you first got Facebook and you thought it would change your life? Wait, maybe that was just me. But remember when you first got it and you thought, “Oh this is cool and better than Friendster”? Yeah you have to remember that. Remember Friendster? Remember how there were “testimonials” and how when you wrote testimonials for each other you wrote them sincerely, because it was all so new? I had a friend who wrote things like, “Help, I am Rosie the Robot and I am trapped by George Jetson and forced to write things on Friendster!” Trust me, it was funny at the time. When the teacher pops a test, I know I’m in a mess, and the dog ate all my homework last night.

I think what upsets me most about Facebook is the jarring way it straddles the line between privacy and public life. By which I mean a lot of things, so let’s break it down (remember that deer carcass? We’re gonna take of its limbs and stuff. I’m sorry, I saw “The Queen” a few nights ago and I’m still thinking about that scene where Helen Mirren stares at the dead deer. God Helen Mirren was so fucking hot in her youth. She still is, in her own way, but that Mirren was like a girl from a David Bowie song or something, man. Wait, what? Oh right, let’s break it down):

— When someone posts news on Facebook or interacts with you in some way, do you then bring it up in public? Or is it like you have two separate lives? How many times have we been at a party and someone you know starts telling you something about their lives and you think, “Fuck I remember reading that on my feed, do I let them keep talking? Are we now both pretending like this is new information?” It’s the new “Uh oh this person has something in their teeth, do I tell them?”

— “It’s complicated” is your relationship status. Then why the hell are you hitting on me? Are you trying to make merde more complicated? Sweet sassy molassy, what does “It’s complicated” even mean, really? I take it to mean, “I’m currently fucking someone” but I could be way off.

— Between this blog, Facebook, and my twitter, it seems like I have no new banter left to present in “real life.” Do you have any idea how many times I’ve tried to use that Jurassic Park joke in person only to be told, “I read that on your blog” and have me feel dumb? Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with new material? Yabba Dabba Doo!

— This one annoys me to no end: I send you a message on Facebook, you haven’t responded, but you’ve updated your profile/status/done something to prove that you in fact have been on Facebook and are, for whatever aggravating reason, not responding to my message. Don’t you see how rude that is? To be honest, I’ve done that before, but only because I’ve totally forgotten that I had a message to respond to. So I like to give people the benefit of the doubt that think that they have also forgotten, but it gets harder to believe when they update their Facebook every day. Like, what the hell? Answer my goddamn message! I can tell you’re online, I know you got it, because Facebook you know, works, so what the hell?? What don’t you fucking understand??

However, I still can’t bring myself to delete my Facebook. I KNOW, I KNOW! I just can’t. I would feel way too disconnected from the world. For one thing, people use Facebook over email or telephone to send out invitations to parties/events. And you all know how much I love going to parties. I’m like Andy Warhol; I’d go to the opening of a cereal box. I just can’t risk that disconnect. I need to know what’s going on. Except for when I see something potentially upsetting, like when a love interest has moved/gotten a girlfriend/cut his hair. That’s damaging. But, like an abusive lover, I keep coming back. I let Facebook pummel me and then I just bleed all over it.

These songs describe in every way possible, from lyric to melody, how I feel about Facebook:

Total Eclipse Of The Heart — Bonnie Tyler
This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) — Talking Heads
Laura — Girls
Hate — Cat Power
This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us — Sparks
and finally
What’s So Funny ‘Bout Peace, Love And Understanding — Elvis Costello & The Attractions

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If I Had the Chance

Hey you. Thanks for meeting me here. Have a seat. No, not that seat. Don’t sit there. I swear to God if you sit there I will stab you in the throat. Oh, that seat? Yeah, that’s fine, you can sit there. I was kidding anyway.

I was thrilled to get your invitation. I can only assume that you’re bringing me here to tell me that those photos of you with that girl on facebook mean nothing. Yeah, I saw the ones of you in that canal in Venice. I guess it was very romantic but I’ve been in those canals and they smell like a house full of dumptrucks. Ok, fine, they don’t. I was just saying that because I felt like hurting you. Oh, that didn’t hurt you? Well yeah, I guess it wouldn’t. It’s not like you invented those canals. That was DaVinci. What? You’re pretty sure it’s not? Huh, that’s funny, which one of us went to college? Me.

I’m sorry. That was really, really mean.

Anyway you look well. I mean look at you, you’re fucking beautiful. You know it, I know it, that goddamn chair knows it. Look, I have no problem with the chair. It was a joke. This is great wine.

I just wanted to say that if you had a girlfriend you could have just told me. I wouldn’t have been hurt. It’s only now, after all this time of feeling like I’m in a cave with a single lit match, that I’m hurt. Oh, what I meant about the cave thing was that you left me in the dark. Yeah, that’s all I meant. No, I wasn’t implying that the match was burning my fingers. That’s dumb. That doesn’t make any sense. You’re an idiot.

I’m sorry, that was mean.

I’m just getting sick of this. All of this, stuff that you can’t even be held accountable for. I’m just getting sick of never being the girlfriend. I am always the girl on the way to the girlfriend. I’m Goodluck Chuck.

I am never the girl in photos.

What do I mean by that? Well, after a guy disappears from my life, lo and behold I see him on facebook with a new girl. They may not have even declared their relationship but it’s obvious. I always wonder, why isn’t that girl me? And usually I’m much more photogenic than these girls. I’m sorry if that shocks or upsets you but it’s true. But no guy ever wants to take photos of me and put them on facebook. No guy wants to have a photo tagged of us, of his arm slung around me, smiling at me with pure adoration. They save that for the girl after me. I am the girl the guy doesn’t show off.

This is what I mean when I say, I am never the girl in photos.

It’s OK, I’m fine now, I have Sven. Oh? Sven is my boyfriend. He looks like the guy in a 1960s ad for cigarettes. Sometimes. Other days he looks like a British guitar player. Sven isn’t exactly what you would call…real. Yeah, he’s my imaginary boyfriend. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Stop giving me a weird pity look. It’s fine. Really! Look, pretend I didn’t say anything. I was kidding. I was 80% kidding. Don’t worry about the 20%.

Never worry about the 20%.

Half of me wants to throw this drink in your face and the other half wants to kiss you. So what the hell am I supposed to do now? This is good wine, I don’t know if I should waste it on your face. Your beautiful, beautiful face.

I tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna buck up. I’m going to stop looking at your facebook photos. I’m going to have to leave my iphone at home. I’m going to be the strong person that is hidden somewhere inside me, like a grape in a goat. Shh, I’m not done. I’m going to admit that I am the cliche who doesn’t feel validated unless it’s from a guy. But I’m going to be fine. I’m going to make videos and put them on this blog (really, I will). I’m going to keep writing. I’m going to get cast as a co-star in something.

I will realize that you are not everything I think you are.

And I’ll even pick up the check for this.

I’m just going to go to the bathroom first. I am definitely not going to slip out the back. Really. I’m not going to leave my credit card here at the table though because I…need it…in the bathroom. Yeah. I’m just going to be right back. I’m not not leaving forever.

Sike.

She’s Not Me — Madonna
Hello Stranger — Barbara Lewis
How To Quit — Sam Phillips
I’m Not Down — The Clash
Bloody Motherfuckin Asshole — Martha Wainwright
Ring Of Fire — Amanda Jo Williams
Brown Eyes — Lady GaGa
If You Close The Door — The Velvet Underground

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To The Gentlemen.

Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads.
Dr. Emmett Brown

People often ask me, “What’s your blog about?” I usually say something like, “Oh it’s about being a girl in Los Angeles.”

I don’t know what this blog is about. But I do know that people read it. So on the off chance that one of the four people who read this is male, this is for you, buddy:

1. Zachary Braff, stop following me. This is the 2nd time in 6 days that you and I have been in the same place. Oh I know: you didn’t mean it, it’s an accident, you don’t know who I am, blah blah blah.

2. This one is important. Gentlemen:

If you are on facebook and you are in a relationship you need to put that shit on your profile.

If you have a girlfriend you need to click the little button that says “In a relationship.”

It takes two seconds and saves heartache.

I am talking to you, guy I vaguely alluded to in a post a month or two ago/guy who broke my heart about six months ago. Guy who I’ve kind of missed.

You don’t even need to put the name of the person you are in a relationship with. But you need to declare it. To not declare it is tacky. And weird. I’ve had guy friends who counter that with, “I don’t want people to know about my personal life on facebook.” Are you serious? Really? Really Charlie? Then don’t get on facebook. Get on linked-in or get your own website where you can put whatever the fuck you want.

3. If you have my number and are texting/calling me for the first time to see me, please suggest dinner. I am worthy of dinner. Drinks = please take off my skinny pants and do things to my genitals on my couch while “Who’s The Boss?” plays in the background. I don’t want to speak for all women, I really don’t, but I know that most of us appreciate being asked on a real date. And look, there are times when all I really want to do is get into your skinny pants with the TV on for background noise. But if you don’t invite me out to dinner then you will never find out. Now if you’re taking me out for drinks at a jazz club or something, that’s different. But if you ask me to meet you at the bar where they serve free hot dogs, then have fun with yourself and Tony Danza.

Even Patrick Bateman took his women on dates.

4. I always say that with a great number comes great responsibility. I’m not joking. I mean, I am kind of joking when I say it because to say that with a serious tone of voice would make me sound like a tool, but the sentiment behind it is real.

5. Be a gentleman.

I’m going to stop here because if I go any further then my head may explode. This is why my relationship with Sven is so good. Imaginary boyfriends are the best kind of boyfriend.

**Note: guys who have been gentlemen to me and are awesome, thank you. This is not directed towards you. Pizza party!**

To elaborate on #3, here’s the post that started it all: Does Anybody Date Anymore?

Let’s Talk About It — White Denim

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Why Are You Facebooking My Friends?

LP32

What kind of sick game are you playing, buddy?

Several months ago I wrote about this guy I was seeing that was worse than Phil Spector and OJ combined. At least OJ was in the Naked Gun movies and those were funny. And Phil Spector is responsible for some of the greatest music of all time. They had redeeming qualities.

This guy, who we will refer to as Captain Asshat (which is really generous of me considering he is not in the navy), decided at some point to facebook all of my friends. After our blow-out he practically raced to his computer to unfriend me (which really showed me) but stayed facebook friends with all of my real friends. I think this is the sign of a sociopath. We weren’t even considered boyfriend/girlfriend, just dating casually, so why did he feel the need to facebook them in the first place? And why did he hang on to them? From what I understand he continues to comment on their status, “liking” things, even taking things from their profiles and claiming them as his own, which really bothered one of my dearest friends.

Facebook is getting out of control. People post the most personal things as their status updates, or choose photos of them in their bathing suits doing yoga poses for their man profile. Are we ready for this? I don’t think I am.

However I will be the first to admit that I do not have a flawless facebook record. For with facebook comes facebook stalking, of which I am guilty. My friend and I like to go “boy shopping” in which we check out the profiles of guys that we have in common to see who is single, who is hot, and who has similar interests. But it ends there.

Just because it’s the internet doesn’t mean it doesn’t have repercussions in real life.

And the difference between me and Captain Asshat is that I don’t go around friending people who I have no business friending. Captain A is venturing into an area of facebook in which he should not be. No fly zone, buddy. Park the plane, Travolta. Go home.

Even weirder is when you’re friends with your friend’s bf/gf and then they break up. Do you still stay facebook friends with them? I suppose it depends on how friendly you were with them and how bad the break-up was. But I think it’s weird if you stay facebook friends and try to pass it off as a real friendship. Basically, friend’s ex, stop commenting on everything and facebook iming me. We never hung out before and we’re not going to now. And stop trying to get intel about my friend. She’s moved on.

Goddamn I wish facebook was around when Seinfeld was on the air. Think of the episode possibilities! George trying to facebook Marisa Tomei. Elaine accidentally posting something personal as a note instead of as a private message to the guy she was seeing. Kramer starting a facebook group that turns into a real religion. And Jerry would probably be on my side about facebook grey areas. “You just don’t stay facebook buddies with your ex’s friends! It’s bad form! Come on!” And think of the great wall interactions: NEWMAN — “Hello Jerry.” JERRY — “Hello Newman.”

Serenity now.

Rumors — Lindsay Lohan (yeah you read that right)

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