If you’re like me, then you’re a jealous person. And if you’re more jealous than I am that makes me jealous. Does that give you some idea of how jealous I am?

Unfortunately it’s not cool to be jealous. If it were I would be like Chuck Bass…or…Brian Setzer…or whoever the fuck kids think is cool these days.

Therefore here are some tips on what to do when you get really, really jealous:

1.) Laugh. But not loudly like, “HA HA HA LOUD NOISES I LOVE LAMP!” More like, “Chuckle chuckle oh silly person so funny you should think I would even care about this information.”

Example:

“Did you hear? David just got signed with CAA!”

Your response: Smile, as sincerely as you can. Take a sip of your martini (P.S., now would be a good time to start drinking martinis, if you don’t already) and say, “That’s fantastic. David must be so excited! ” Then from here you can either:

a.) Change the subject like it’s your fucking job or
b.) Casually drop some unfortunate news about the aforementioned piece of news.

“Oh my God, have you seen the new Woody Allen movie?” is a line that works really well, if you’re going to go with option a.), because it doesn’t matter if you’ve actually seen it and he’s always cranking out movies. Or you could go with, b.), “I heard CAA just did a massive round of cutbacks; I hope David found a secure agent!” The more concerned you can sound the better you’ll look. Remember, you want people to think that you actually care.

2.) This is an oldie, but you can always bring up something awesome about yourself to counter something awesome that you friend brought to the table.

Example:

“My boobs got huge! Isn’t that weird? I had to go up 3 cup sizes!”
“Wow, Jennifer, that’s great! By the way did I tell you that I ran into Ben Stiller yesterday and introduced myself and now he’s hired me as an assistant? It’s crazy! Out of nowhere I got this awesome-paying job! I guess that’s LA for ya, huh?”

Also, I recommend lying. Think about it this way: would you rather look like a jealous maniac, or soothe it all over with a silly little lie that makes you feel better? You got it space dogs, go with the lie.

P.S. From what I may or may not have heard from a few sources you do not want to EVER be Ben Stiller’s assistant.

3.) This one is tricky to pull off, but here goes: be really, really happy for that person. But not deliriously happy; again, we’re going for realism. I’m talking about this kind of happy:

“Tom I am so happy to hear about your new record deal! Really, I am. Let’s celebrate! Why don’t you buy me another drink and I’ll spot you for the rest of the night? You rockstar, you!”

And there you go: you’ve got a free drink and hopefully after that drink you’ll feel much better about the whole situation and won’t wind up texting your mom while crying in the bathroom thinking that you have no prospects in your future.

If none of these works and you still feel jealous as hell, think about it this way: life is all about luck and numbers. Don’t let people tell you shit like, “You just gotta really want it.” That’s asshole talk. That’s lazy advice. It’s like, Oh really, asshole, you mean I have to actually *want* it? As opposed to not wanting it? Gee, thanks!

Most of life’s big breaks come about by being in the right place at the right time and not being a total moron. And when that fails you, look at the statistics. Statistically, you will at some point in your life get a steady job and a loving partner of your own. It’s not brain surgery (or rocket science, haha gosh I’m silly) — it’s just looking at it from the point of view as life as a series of percentages and probabilities, not as a great cosmic entity. Because numbers don’t lie.

And yes, I am very jealous of Jayne Mansfield, even though she’s dead.