Category Archives: friends

High And Dry.

Photo of PrettyBoi by Ian Asbjørnsen

Hello everyone. I’m sorry I’ve been away. Like I mentioned before, I have a lot of insane things going on in my life right now. But not good insane, more like a “Let me tell my story on Oprah” insane or, to quote this dude Max, “Season finale shit” insane. I’m still not ready to talk about it, but I want you to know that I’m sorry I haven’t updated and I’m sorry I have responded to your emails. Don’t give up on me!

It’s very tempting to give up on people sometimes. We have all been guilty of that at some point in our lives. Maybe not Julie Andrews, but everyone else. And I am telling you, as someone who knows, please do not give up on your friends when they need you. Don’t assume that they’ll want to be alone or not want to be alone — just ask them. Ask them how they’re doing but really ask. Tell them to put on a party dress and take them somewhere, and it doesn’t matter if that somewhere is a party or a Supermarket, just do it.

My friend Kimme did exactly this. Despite the fact that she lives in Beverly Hills and I live in the valley and the restaurant was in Laurel Canyon and the party after that was in Los Feliz, she picked me up at my house. Now that is friendship. If you’re from L.A., you know that what I have just described is hardcore friendship. The theme of said party was psychedelic, post-apocalypse 60’s  esque pop stars or something, so naturally Kimme and I decided to dress in serious 80s fashion. She wore a boxy business suit with hair piled over to one side, and I dressed like a dancer from Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” video. We got to the party and Kimme introduced me to her friend whose mom actually was one of the dancers in the video. I apologized for accidentally dressing like her mom but thankfully she thought it was awesome. Then later I sat down next to this dude I’m pretty sure I’ve met like six times, who was wearing a jumpsuit and talking about how Prada’s new tan leather suit collection is “too mundane.” But it was exactly what I needed.

Reach out to a friend today you haven’t spoken to in a while. Call them, say hi. They’ll probably say hi, after a long pause. Then you’ll say, “How are you?” and they’ll say “…Fine. Is everything okay?” And you say, “Yes, why?” And they’ll answer, “You haven’t spoken to me in like, eight years.” And you can say, “This internet blog told me to call a friend.” And they’ll say, “What?” And you can tell them, “Yes, Apocalypstick.com.” And they won’t be able to hear that, so you’ll have to repeat it for them. You’ll have to say, “No NO. It’s A-P-O-C! CCCC-A-L-Y-P-S-T-I-C-K! K! LIKE APOCALYPSE, BUT WITHOUT THE E. TAKE THE E OFF. ADD ‘TICK’ TO THE S. IT’S REALLY NOT THAT HARD, CHRIST.” And they’ll say, “What is your problem?” And you’ll get frustrated and say, “THIS IS WHY WE NEVER TALK.” Then a few months from this you’ll get a text from your friend Cristy or something that says, “PARTY 2NITE!” and you go to the Party 2Nite, and guess who’s there? It’s your friend you tried to call and reconnect with. You’re going to pretend like you don’t see each other for the first hour of the party but then you’ll both me a little loosened up and you’ll hear Radiohead’s “High And Dry” play in the background and you’ll reminisce about that crazy middle school/high school/college trip and together you’ll join into the chorus, “DON’T LEAVE ME DRRRRRYYYYY-EEEYYYEEE” and you don’t even like Radiohead. And you’ll say it was good to see each other.

So do that and tell me how it goes.

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Gossip Girl?

Sometimes I worry that I’m using my friends’ lives too much for my own material. And I couldn’t help but wonder (TM Carrie Bradshaw) how did Carrie blog when she was in a relationship? Wasn’t it easier when she was single?

“Definitely,” responded Molly. “It’s easier. That’s why people stay single. For comedy. Once I told a guy I couldn’t date him cause I had to be celibate to write good spec scripts.”

Then Molly pointed out that Carrie used her friends for her columns all the time. I always wondered about that. I wondered if Miranda or Charlotte ever phoned Carrie shouting, “What the hell were you thinking printing that my date always has to shower after having sex with me!” Maybe they just never read her column. Honestly, I don’t think they ever read her column.

And suddenly, I realized something (TM Carrie Bradshaw). I write as much about my friends’ dating lives as my own. Molly doesn’t mind. She says that’s just writing. That’s just how it works. But she’s also a writer so maybe she’s a little more tolerant. And I never name names. But where does one draw the line? Is there a line? I’m again going to take the opportunity to blame Facebook for something. But really, I think Facebook changed the way people think about sharing. Twitter, blogger, all of them contributed to this outpouring of feelings. We’re all sharing in some way.

What did Carrie’s boyfriends think of their appearances in her columns? I know that when Big read her book he felt terrible about how he treated her in the past. I bet Aiden read it and thought, “Whatever, Carrie” and threw it in his hand-carved fireplace. I should take this time to mention that I still haven’t seen the sequel so please don’t spoil SATC2 for me.

Speaking of Sex and the City it looks like I’m going to interview Jason Lewis, aka Smith Jarrod, tomorrow. Anyone got any questions they’d like me to ask him? Aside from, will you date me/marry me/etc me?

Summerboy — Lady Gaga

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What I’ve Learned.

My friend Laura really knows how to pose in photos. She’s incredible.
The only person you can really ever depend on is yourself, so don’t let yourself down!
You can exercise every day but if you eat crap it’s not going to make a damn difference.
Opportunities are there for you to take advantage of. If you don’t, you have no one to blame but yourself!
There is always someone out there stupider than you are.
Rihanna is hard. So hard.
It’s ok for me to say no.
If you’re not being true to yourself and who you are, then there’s no point in even being there. So if you feel you need to paint a lighting bolt on your face to go to a party, then you better fucking do it. Be you!
People are not going to go out of their way to help you.
Image is reality. You can look like who you want to be, even if you’re not. The rest will follow.
Don’t make it easy for people to flake out on you.
This industry scares me.
To be perfectly honest I’m pretty lazy.
I’m so afraid of people saying no that I don’t give them the chance to say yes.
Cooking something is the quickest and easiest way to feeling accomplished.
Marcia Cross is crazy nice.
No one has a definitive answer. One person might hate something that another person loves. All you can do is your best. All you can do is try.
If you don’t try then you can’t complain.
Everyone loves capes. It makes you feel like a kid again.
Dating an actor is a terrible, terrible idea.
Dating a musician isn’t really worth it either.
No one our age knows what they’re doing.
We have no idea how much we should be enjoying our youth.
I would date Kanye West in a heartbeat.
Everyone has to start somewhere. No, really. It’s OK if you’re just starting out. Just own up to your inexperience. Then gain experience.
Only you can make your dreams come true! It sounds corny and it is until it happens. Then it’s fucking rad!! So make it happen!
Whenever it looks hopeless just look at Mickey Rourke. If he can make a comeback, so can you.

Effect & Cause — The White Stripes

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Friends.

Friendship is very important these days. What with technology being what it is we can stay connected in ways never thought possible. Are you following your friends on twitter? Are they following you? That’s the kicker, isn’t it, when a friend isn’t following you on twitter? That’s when you need to re-evaluate your friendship.

But how does one determine who is a true friend in this crazy twitterverse we’re all facebooking in? Don’t worry, guys. I’m going to help. A true friend will…:

…High five you when you least expect it.
…Treat you to coffee or dinner every now and then because they know that you’ll pick it up the next time. A true friend will never say, when the bill comes, “OMG I just realized that I’m completely overdrawn from the bank LOL I’m so dumb sorry!!”
…Never say “OMG” or “LOL” in public. That’s just…awful.
…Go see that dumb movie that you really want to see because no one else will see it with you and you don’t feel like going alone because what if you run into Drew Barrymore? Do you really want Drew Barrymore to know what a loser you are? Look at how many friends she has. Really tall famous friends. Gosh, Drew Barrymore you’re so fun!
…Let you vent on the phone for an hour about that idiot who cut you off on the freeway or the boss who made you run a seemingly meaningless task or the boy who didn’t call you back.
…Accept you for your insecurities and even try to understand them.
…Root for you always, even if they’re a little bit jealous.

A true friend will not:

… Steal your burrito.
…Hit on the guy that you like if she/he knows that you like him.
…Run over your family.
…Poison your latte.
…And then hide the antidote.
…Burn down the Getty Center.
…Laugh at you when you say something dumb, like when you’re singing to “Man In The Mirror” and you earnestly sing, “They follow each other on a window seat” because you think those are the lyrics.
…OK well they can laugh at that, because that’s kind of funny, but it should be a loving laugh, not a mean laugh.
…”Forget” to invite you.
…Tell you that you’re anything less than what you are. You are wonderful.
…”Lose” your stuff.
…Let money ruin your friendship.
…Talk about you behind your back, unless it’s really complimentary shit, like, “Almie would hate anyone to know this but she keeps Moet et Chandon in a pretty cabinet, is well-versed in etiquette and extraordinarily nice.”

Me with my dear friend Erik from my Andy Warhol themed birthday party in 2005.

But what do you do if you realize that you have one of those dreaded “poison friends”? Those friends that are pure poison to you and your life? Those who weigh you down like an anvil and you’re Wile E. Coyote? Or maybe in that case they’re the Roadrunner and they’re trying to blow you up (and I think I’m mixing metaphors here)?

You need to cut them out of your life. You NEED to. I know, I know, the idea of being home alone on a Saturday night or with no one to text when you’re feeling awkward in public and need to text someone is scary. But you’re BETTER OFF WITHOUT. Life can be hard enough without surrounding yourself with people who don’t believe in you! You owe it to yourself. You are the best friend you could have, true, but you’re going to need someone else when you get sick of yourself. That’s what your secondary best friend is for! And it’s OK if you DON’T have a “best friend” — some people have lots of friends as opposed to one they single out — IT’S OK! Just don’t waste your time with people who drag you down because you’re too good for that shit. Remember, YOU leave YOU decide.

This photo has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING.

Now get out there, turn the world on with your smile, and find your Rhoda! Or your Mary. IT’S OK TO BE RHODA. RHODA WAS AWESOME AND SHE HAD HER OWN SHOW TOO. SO DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT!

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We Need To Talk About Your Boyfriend.


Hey Girl.

So you have a boyfriend. That’s great! You have someone’s lap to sit on at picnics. You have someone to take to your friend’s party. You don’t need to scout out guys at said party. Because you’ll be holding your boyfriend’s arm, tracing his veins with your fingertip, something all couples wind up doing without realizing it (watch for it next time). You have someone to force into couples costume for Halloween. You have someone all of your friends can look at and think, “Goddamn I’m jealous.” And that’s great!But girl unless your boyfriend is Captain Kirk, he ain’t going anywhere. You don’t need to spend every waking moment together. Or every sleeping moment either. And all of those cosmic moments in between. He’s always going to be there for you, and if he’s not, then he’s not a very good boyfriend and you should *NSYNC his ass (and I don’t know what this even means — am I referring to their hit “Bye Bye Bye” or their break-up or what? I don’t know guys, that’s the beauty of life!!).

I understand that in the beginning you’re going to be Lady GaGa for each other and that’s really great. It’s an exciting time.

But girl.

Girl.

Unless your boyfriend is Warren Beatty, from the above photo, from that exact era, I need to tell you something: He’s Not That Great.

Is this pure jealousy speaking? In some occasions, yes (see “Unless your boyfriend is Warren Beatty…” above). But most of the time, your boyfriend is going to be just like everybody else’s boyfriend. He’ll be there for you, yes, but will he be there for us? No, and that’s not his job. Your job, however, is to be there for us. Because you’re our friend. Not a Phoebe friend, because that woman was a goddamn bitch on the show “Friends” who acted like she was from goddamn outerspace, and was mean to Ross for no goddamn reason — I’m talking about real friendships, the kind that cannot fit into a Thursday night time slot.


Why are my references so 90s? But that’s not important right now.

What is important is that you stop and realize that girl, we’ve known you long before this dude did, unless you have some kind of Dawson/Joey situation. OK did VH1 just air an “I love the 90s” series that beamed directly into my brain? Anyway, we were there for you when you got your period on your pants in 8th grade and we loaned you our sweatshirt for you to tie around your waist. We were there for you when you first got drunk on cheap rum and we talked to you as you were barfing in the bathroom. We were there for you when you were in college and wondered, “What the hell am I going to do when I graduate”?

And where was he?

Just remember. It’s fine to be excited about your boyfriend, and we’re happy for you, but we need you too.

SO TEXT ME GODDAMNIT.

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