Category Archives: fun times

We All Go A Little Mad Sometimes.

Remember that last post where I waxed poetically of the rain and the warm feelings it gave me? Yeah, I’m over it. I’m starting to go a little crazy. I only had work one day this week and one casting workshop and other than those activities I’ve been stuck inside this house. Cabin Fever is hitting hard and there’s no Rider Strong to keep me company, which sucks. However, there’s no flesh eating virus so I guess that’s a plus.

Are you in a similar situation? Are you getting stir crazy? You are not alone. Follow my lead and together we will cross the desert of ennui in an SUV with seat warmers.

Kanye.

Need I say more? Wait, yeah I probably should. Kanye West will always keep me amused. I love listening to his music but even more I love watching the wacky stuff he’s done and thanks to Youtube this is possible. I wish Don Knotts was alive so that he could be on hand to say, “Kaaaaaaaan-yeeee!” every time Kanye screws up. Who could forget this classic moment?:

What people forget is even before the glorious “George Bush does not care about black people” statement and Mike Meyers perfectly timed “The Office”-like reaction of shock is the moment before when Kanye first goes off script and Meyers is determined to stay on it. Thank you, Kanye, for telling the truth whether it’s about politics or Beyonce. To quote you from a few years ago: “If I don’t win, this award show loses.” Yes, yes how true, you delightful man.

Risky Ebay Bidding.
I have a list of favorite ebay sellers/stores (it’s all vintage clothing) and what I like to do is go through it, find pieces I really like, and put down my highest bid in hopes that someone outbids me. I don’t actually want to spend money but I do like picturing myself in the clothes. This is like gambling for me. Will I win and have to pay for it? Is there a bullet in the chamber?

Reading the message boards at imdb.
Some of the funniest greatest quotations I have ever found have been gleaned from the wastelands of user opinions on the IMDB message boards. Some examples:

(From the Mad Men boards):
“Pete’s far too self-involved to kill himself. He loves himself. That’s the last thing he’d do.”
“Suicide usually is the last thing someone does.”

Zing!

(From The Jurassic Park boards):
“And the mother of all gaffes–the T. Rex INSIDE the visitor center! What did it do, crouch down and crawl through the front door? It’s 30 feet tall for God’s sake! I guess it’s one of those magic, teleporting T. Rexes.”

AAGH THE INDIGNATION!

(From The “Blow-Up” boards):
“The fact that nothing gets resolved is my favorite element of this movie. Every time Hemmings discovers something he gets off track. Instead of pushing the story forward he has an orgy, instead of tracking down Vannessa Redgrave [he] goes to a concert, instead of taking photos of the dead body he goes to a pot party. Finally, when the body is removed, he forgets everything and watches college students play a fake game of tennis.”

Whoops, spoilers. Well, not really.

(From The Great Gatsby boards):

“F. Scott Fitzgerald was a big fan of Star Wars and was known to dress up as a Storm Trooper for Star Wars conventions.”

As I remember, someone asked why the Star Wars Cantina theme was played in the Great Gatsby film and thus this burn was delivered in response.

“Why is Gatsby great? [Because] in my opinion, Gatsby is an idiot, but apparently he’s supposed to be great, so can anyone help me out? What makes this guy great?”

I think it’s important to ask the tough questions.

(From The Kate Hudson message boards):
“I heard she broke up the Black Crowes when they met, a la Yoko breaking up the Beatles. But they’re back together now I think, the Crows not the Beatles, so I guess it didnt matter.”

I don’t know why I was on the Kate Hudson message boards either. And now, for my personal favorite:

(From The Man On The Moon boards):

“Andy Kaufman has made no public appearances since he died.”

Looks like somebody has a future as a publicist!

Contemplate Cleaning My Closet, Taking Out A Few Pieces, Staring At Them, Then Putting Them Back.
Yeah.

Looking At Old Photos Of Myself And Remembering The Good Times.
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I remember you. You used to be so full of optimism. Or you used to be so full of pessimism but was very good at masking it with fake optimism. You used to take pictures of everything you did everywhere you went. Then that got trendy so you stopped. You used to cover your walls with photos of Marilyn Monroe and would read every book on her you could find. You used to write plays. Or start writing them, get bored and/or frustrated, stop, and write a new one. I remember you.

How Dark Is Your Dark Side — His Name Is Alive

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Gaston and Fashion.


Gaston
Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gaston/
Looking so down in the dumps.
Every guy here like’d to be ya, Gaston/
even when taking your lumps.
There’s no man in town as admired as you
You’re everyone’s favorite guy.
Everyone’s awed and inspired by you/
and it’s not very hard to see why.”
Today I met with an agent who told me she thought I was really talented and seemed to really like me, but given what the economy is at the moment, she feels she cannot take a risk on newcomers. Were this three years ago, she might be able to sign me. Which is great to know because now I’ll just ask my BFF Marty McFly if I can borrow his time machine.

What do I do when I get down? I eat McDonalds. Then I feel like I’m going to die. Then maybe it’s the combination of the sugary, salty, fatty food and the feeling that my life is about to end but something cheers me up and I start to look to my ultimate lifecoach/style icon/general awesome dude for guidance, and his name’s G-A-S…T…G-A-S-T-E….G-A-S-T-O…Ohhh…Gaston!

Gaston and I are really similar. We both have swell clefts in our chins. We both get melodramatic (“Dismissed, rejected, publicity humiliated — why it’s more than I can bear!”). No one can go stomping around wearing boots the way we do. We both use antlers in all of our decorating. OK, fine, I am aware that giraffes do not have antlers, but that paper mache giraffe head is the only animal head I own. It’s close enough.

I may not be the size of a barge or have biceps to spare but if pressed, I guess I could come up with a list of things about me that are great.

I have nice strong hair. I have the ability to somehow guess the correct year in which any film was made. Cats really like me. I usually (this photo aside) photograph pretty well. I can sometimes make people laugh so hard they spit out their drink. Few people have eyelashes as long as mine. I’m especially good at procrastinating.

If anything, listening to “Gaston” when I’m sad reminds me of being a little kid again. “Beauty and the Beast” is one of those movies that can make you feel OK if you just let it. Not like that bullshit “Love, Actually.”

To get that Gaston look of your own:
Dress/tunic: American Apparel.
Tights are from Bloomingdales but you can also use leggings. Gaston is a big fan of leggings.
Boots: Aldo.
The belt was 50 cents at a garage sale.
Note: I don’t actually recommend wearing this in public but I think the idea of it is nice.


gaston1
Gaston — Beauty and the Beast film soundtrack

Bonus! My Top 10 Hottest Disney Guys

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I Suck At Everything (And So Can You)!

“What’s the use in trying? All you get is pain.” — Super Emo band The Monkees
“If you’re going to do something, do it right.” — Charles Manson

My mom told me a story that when she was a teenager, her mother gave her a silver cigarette case for her birthday saying, “If you’re gonna smoke, smoke right.” My Oma (I think that’s Yiddish for Grandmother) was basically saying, “Look, you’re going to do something stupid, so suck at it really well.” Is there anything more pure than that?

I am sick of The Secret. I am sick of picturing me as a super successful actor with Paul McCartney as my boyfriend. We all know that Paul McCartney is probably not ever going to be my boyfriend. (I still can’t give up the probably DON’T YOU DARE ASK ME TO GIVE UP THE PROBABLY.) Good things are not happening to me no matter how hard I picture them.

Then I realized that I actually have to try. So I tried trying.

Trying sucks.

The more I try the more I think that I suck.

But don’t misunderstand me here. This feeling that I suck is not a sad feeling. It’s almost a relief. I’m good at something! I’m good at sucking!

I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have an agent, and I don’t look like Jayne Mansfield. BUT HOW AWESOME IS THAT CONSISTENCY??! Screw boyfriends, none of them are going to be anything like Paul McCartney anyway! So that’s one down! We’re almost there gang!!

If you can wake up in the mirror, smile, and say, “I suck!” THEN YOUR DAY CAN ONLY GET BETTER FROM THERE. Thinking about the things that you don’t have makes you realize that, holy shit, look at all the room for stuff I can have! Cheerfully admit that you don’t have a job, and lo and behold, watch the world continue to go on! No weird “The Happening” shit here. No one around you is killing themselves! And they probably suck too! But they’re alive just like you are. SO SUCK HARDER THAN THEM, DON’T LET THEM BEAT YOU AT ANYTHING!!

And hey, no matter how hard you suck, you can’t suck harder than Tim Burton! That guy used up all his good ideas 4 films into his career! Did you guys see “Planet of the Apes”?? Holy shit that sucked! That was the suckiest suck to ever suck!! Imagine how must fun he must have had making such a suckfest! The whole time he was probably thinking, “Fuck this is gonna suck, how did I convince people to give me money for this? PIZZA PARTY!!”

Seriously, don’t lie awake at night thinking of how much you suck. The key is not to beat yourself up for sucking. Embrace it. Remember what the rich hobo said: “When you got nothing you got nothing to lose.”

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