Is it me? Is the answer.

The question is, “Why are people such flakes?”

In this way I answered a question with a question but you’ll have to forgive me for that.

All I know is that this guff is getting old.

Guidelines, people, guidelines. Stop flaking out. Here’s how:

How To Ask Someone Out (Either Romantically or Platonically, It’s The Same Thing, But One Requires More Flirting)

1. Call them.

2. You’re going to text them instead, aren’t you? Goddamn it.

3. Say/text (if you must, ugh): “Hello/Hey/Salutations Bart, it’s Mildred. [You probably won’t have to say who it is in a text because everyone has caller ID on their cell. I’ll leave that part up to you, chief.] Would you like to get some dinner/drinks/catch a glimpse of Robert Downey Jr. on the silver screen?”

4. Your next step is to GIVE AN OPTION FOR TIMES/DATES WHEN YOU ARE FREE. IF YOU DO NOT OFFER DATES WHEN YOU ARE FREE, YOU MAY AS WELL SAY, “These are imaginary plans, feel free to blow me off.” GIVE PEOPLE TWO OPTIONS, THREE AT THE MOST. Ex. “I am free Wednesday and Friday evening, does that work for you?”

5. YOU MUST HAVE A LOCATION & TIME IN MIND BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STUPID AND YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM. I’m not kidding. Again, if you don’t offer a time and place, it’s like you’re saying, “These plans are totally theoretical and I know it’s not really going to happen.” Ex. “There’s a great lounge called Little Ricky’s in Culver City or a bar in Hollywood, Lucy & Ethel’s, depending on where you feel like going. I’ll be free around nine o’ clock.” (Note: these places are imaginary, like your plans will be, if you don’t offer locations.)

6. If you insist on texting, then you need to offer all of these plans in one text, because you want to make it as simple as possible for the idiot you’re asking out to take in all of this deeply complex information.

7. If you’re doing this over the phone you need to sound happy about it and not intense/upset/sarcastic. Think like Monica Gellar: “I’m breezy!” but like Monica Gellar do not actually say that out loud unless you know for sure that the other person will pick up on that Friends reference, and even then, you really want to be sure that they’ll appreciate it. There’s nothing worse than throwing out a reference no one gets (ex. “Dental plan!”)

8. Subtly reiterate your plans before you hang up/after the confirming text of “Sounds good.” Ex. “Great so I’ll see you at 9 at Lewis Caroll’s Bar and Grill on Friday. xo.”

9. As far as I know, there is no such place as Lewis Caroll’s Bar and Grill. DON’T GET MAD, OK? IT WAS JUST AN EXAMPLE. JESUS. CALM DOWN.

10. If you really want to ensure that you don’t get blown off, offer to meet the other person at their house or pick them up, or ask them to pick you up. Realize though that if you meet them at their place you’ll probably wind up there when the evening is over, and you’ll be doing a little more than watching I Love Lucy reruns, if ya know what I mean. I’m OK with that, are you?

Maybe you’re thinking that this is an awful lot of information that you’re bombarding the other person with. Well, you’re GREATLY overestimating people and their capacity to not be a total flake. Maybe you live in 1956 where gentlemen callers literally called. If you are, what the hell are you doing on the Internet? I’m onto you, time traveler. I’m so fucking onto you.

Homecoming — The Teenagers