Category Archives: i guess this is advice

Invisible Typewriter.

Jun

2010

‘Tis the season of breaking up, it seems. A couple of my friends just broke up with their dudes while others contemplate breaking up. These are trying times. (For the record, I am NOT breaking up, so there is nothing to read into here! Face value only. Fun fact: I originally typed “face value” as “face failure.” I say we coin “face failure” as a new saying. Any ideas of what it could mean?)

If you’re currently going through a break-up, I offer my condolences and the following that may or may not help you. I’m not going to say, “Everything’s going to be okay” because you’ve probably heard that phrase a lot lately and it may not mean anything to you anymore.

First, I think you’re going to need to say “yes” a lot. Your friends want to take you out for a comforting drink? Say yes. You got invited to a party? Say yes. You got an offer to work on a project? Yes. That dude you used to hang out with asked you out? Say yes! You need to be as busy as possible right now. You need other things to focus on aside from your own misery. Unless you can turn your misery into something productive like “500 Days of Summer” or any Smiths song.

Now about that date. Some dude (or lady) might call you up and ask you if you want to go for a drink. Unless this person is an awful, awful person you have nothing to lose by going out. You don’t have to fall in love with this person or promise them anything. However if they’ve been in love with you since second grade, now might not be the time to go on this date and break their heart. But have a little fun. Remember flirting? Try doing that again. Be flirted with. Fun fact: asking a girl if you can take a picture of her boobs for your “art book” is NOT flirting. Don’t do that!!

Now, you’re getting out there, going out, seeing that band, going to that play, getting drinks, writing, selling coffee, whatever the kids are doing. Usually around this point, the point where you’re finally ready to face the world by yourself, acknowledging how much that sucks but no longer crying over it, this is the moment where the ex comes back into the picture. It’s like they have radar for knowing the exact moment when you’ve forgotten about them, or at least started to get over them, when they barge right in, like the Kimmy Gibbler of your full house.

It’s going to be very, very tempting to accept their offer for “coffee” or “hanging out” or whatever seemingly innocent activity they offer you. Here’s what you need to do, when they call you and tell you about their lives and how great they are, and how you guys should meet up: smile and nod. Not literally, because you’re on a telephone, and they can’t see you unless you’re on a videophone like Beyonce raves about. You need to figuratively smile and nod. Play it cool. It’s like when Homer called the police about an alien sighting and Chief Wiggum answered:

HOMER: The alien has a sweet heavenly voice. Like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night. Like Urkel.

WIGGUM: Wow, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So I’ll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

That’s what you need to do. You need to take his information in, and type it up on your invisible typewriter. Who cares if you still love him? Who cares if he still loves you? He’s got to fight for your love. Nod and smile.

Remember that your ex is like that Into The Wild kid. He wants to go into the wilderness, but he left without a map, and he’ll probably starve to death. If he wants to figure shit out, he can buy a map. He’s probably in a place right now where even if you gave him a map, he wouldn’t use it.

Note: not all relationships are like this, of course. I’m not suggesting that the man is always at fault. Maybe you screwed up epically and there is nothing you can do to fix it. In which case, now you know better, so you can do better.

Waiting For Bulletproof At First Sight (Deep /Blk vs Marc Johnce Mashup) — La Roux + Kylie Minogue + Gwen Stefani

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You Gotta Walk And Don’t Look Back.

May

2010

Lately I’ve been doing this odd thing where I show up for events 1-2 weeks early.

My friend/coworker had an art show out in Valenica or something that I dragged my poor friend Dave to and when we got there I called her, asking, “Hey where are you?” and she called back, worried with, “My show is next Thursday, oh my gosh, I’m sorry, are you OK?”

Then a few weeks later Dave had a screening for his indie film (stupid talented fuck) and I frantically told him I wasn’t able to make it because I was sick (with strep for like the 6th time this year) and he told me, “It’s next week :)” and I said, “Oh I have to work that day anyway” which I did. Also, I should point out this all occurred via text messaging. Dave doesn’t just say things and then smile. He’s not Benjamin Linus.

Tonight I canceled plans because I thought my friend Katie was in town from San Francisco. I was psyched to see her but I hadn’t heard from her so I texted,”Hey dude are we still meeting up tonight?” because, apparently, I am a Beastie Boy, to which she responded, “Shoot, sorry if there was any miscommunication…I’m in LA next weekend.” I just laughed. I don’t know what is wrong with me.

If I were still seeing my therapist, who has a vaguely New York accent and an Elaine Bennes wardrobe and hairstyle, she would probably tell me that I’m doing this on purpose. That I am purposefully, subconsciously choosing not to go to these events. She said a lot of things. Eventually I stopped going to therapy because I found it so, so very boring. I felt like I never had anything to say. It got to the point where I was going to therapy solely to gossip. I’d say hello to her, sit down on the couch, and launch in with something like, “So Jonna dumped Jack and I was like, ‘Oh my God, I thought you guys just moved in together?’ and she said, ‘We did, but we got into this huge argument, he kept saying, ‘We have to go back, Kate’ and I’m like, ‘Who’s Kate?’ and so I moved out.’ I mean I couldn’t believe it, she and Jack were the perfect couple!”

My therapist would just stare at me and ask me how that made me feel. I would make something up. I didn’t want to tell her, “Don’t you understand the value of this gossip?” She decided it would be a good idea to put me in group therapy. Once I got into group therapy I found myself surrounded by 40-50 year olds with serious problems, like alcoholism and abusive ex-spouses and children who were assholes. And they would talk about their problems and then say, “So Apocalypstick…

(I mean they wouldn’t actually say that, but I kind of love referring to myself as that, and this is America so please, please, please let me get what I want, happy bday Morrissey!)

“…what’s going on in your life?” I would say something like, “Oh, uh, I didn’t get a callback for that Chili’s commercial and I tore the hem off of my favorite vintage dress.” And then feel like an overprivileged twit. So I guess in a strange way group therapy worked for me, because it made me realize that I had no real problems.

Look, we all have problems. There are times when we stare at our mountains of problems and you want to freak out. That’s totally fine to feel that way. Just because you’re not homeless doesn’t mean you don’t have real problems. Depression is a very real thing. But sometimes what you have is a minor inconvenience that you’re turning into a dramatic situation. I have this inside joke with myself (because, contrary to what Facebook tells me, I have maybe 5 real friends) where whenever something even vaguely annoying happens I say out loud, “Why does everything bad happen to me??!!” Right away, I feel better. Or what I’ll do is vent my problems on this blog, like in the post “Let’s All Just Feel Badly For Ourselves” which you can find in the link to your left, under “Tales As Old As Time.”

But if you’re finding that even the smallest annoyances get you down, really down, then don’t feel badly about getting help! I don’t care if it sounds cliche for a young 20-something writer girl to be on antidepressants, but I am, and I’m grateful that they exist. Depression is real. If you don’t take care of it, it will take over your life. You’ll wake up in the late afternoon and not get out of bed. You’ll feel like your days just don’t end and that all you have to look forward to is ordering comfort food for dinner and then feeling terrible about eating it. But you won’t care, because you already feel terrible. You’ll want to cry, scream, and hurt the people you love, just because you don’t know what else to do. I’m sorry, I hate to get “all political” and anti-Tom “You don’t know the history of psychiatry, I do” Cruise or whatever, but listen: people will go on and on about how America and especially American youth are overmedicated but when it comes to your physical and mental health, you have to do what is going to get you out of bed. Maybe it’s medication, maybe therapy, probably both. But it’s your life and you don’t want to look back one day when you’re healthy and think, “I wish I hadn’t wasted all of that time feeling terrible.” And I want you to look back healthy!! Insert 3rd Lost reference here!

Sometimes, you just gotta dance. Here’s some iamamiwhoami. I think she/it/they is the most exciting thing to happen to music since Gaga (and excuse you I was listening to Gaga back when she was a guilty pleasure few people knew about, thanks to Laura, and I’ve kinda moved on) and I can’t get enough.

O — iamamiwhoami

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How To Appear Popular.

Jan

2010

Rename all of the contacts in your phone with celebrity names. Then leave your phone lying out for someone to find. Chuckle when you say, “Kiki Dunst just loves texting.”

Write inside jokes on your friends’ walls. It doesn’t matter if they’re actually in on the joke. I find Simpsons quotes work well. Just pick a friend’s facebook page and write on it, “I call the big one bitey.” Everyone will read this exchange and think that you and your friend really have something special going. Note: you can do this with someone who isn’t really your friend but you want people to think you’re friends. And voila: instant private joke.

Get as many twitter followers as you can, even if they’re spam robots. If you can’t get lots of followers on twitter then don’t even get a twitter. Tell people, “Once I hit over a thousand followers it just got too difficult to deal with.” Then give a half smile that says something like, “You know how it is” and take a sip of your mocha latte.

When you arrive somewhere crowded alone pretend that you’re waving to your friend across the room. Smile, wave, and shout something like, “Are you going to David’s later?” Then laugh and clap and shake your head like, “Oh, that guy.” Then get to the bar and start drinking.

Write everything that you’re going to do in your planner but spin it. For example, going to Starbucks becomes coffee date or morning meeting. It’s important to fill your planner on the off chance that someone sees it. You’re going to want to appear busy. Write names under these plans. Find out the name of your favorite barista and put his/her name under “meeting, 10:30.” You’ll know what it really means but other people won’t. Patrick Bateman did something like this when he told Detective Kimball that he had a meeting at The Four Seasons with Cliff Huxtable. It’s just what people do.

Photograph everything you do and then put it on Facebook and then tag everyone and yourself. People will think, “Marcy sure does have a lot of friends and exciting things that she’s doing.” Maybe don’t photograph everything but just the events in which you’re dressed nicely and out with others. Don’t photograph yourself with your cat and then tag your cat. Everyone knows that cats don’t have Facebook profiles. Cats still use MySpace.

If you do all of these things then you will either be the most popular kid in town or the least. Ow, my eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!

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What I’ve Learned.

Dec

2009

My friend Laura really knows how to pose in photos. She’s incredible.
The only person you can really ever depend on is yourself, so don’t let yourself down!
You can exercise every day but if you eat crap it’s not going to make a damn difference.
Opportunities are there for you to take advantage of. If you don’t, you have no one to blame but yourself!
There is always someone out there stupider than you are.
Rihanna is hard. So hard.
It’s ok for me to say no.
If you’re not being true to yourself and who you are, then there’s no point in even being there. So if you feel you need to paint a lighting bolt on your face to go to a party, then you better fucking do it. Be you!
People are not going to go out of their way to help you.
Image is reality. You can look like who you want to be, even if you’re not. The rest will follow.
Don’t make it easy for people to flake out on you.
This industry scares me.
To be perfectly honest I’m pretty lazy.
I’m so afraid of people saying no that I don’t give them the chance to say yes.
Cooking something is the quickest and easiest way to feeling accomplished.
Marcia Cross is crazy nice.
No one has a definitive answer. One person might hate something that another person loves. All you can do is your best. All you can do is try.
If you don’t try then you can’t complain.
Everyone loves capes. It makes you feel like a kid again.
Dating an actor is a terrible, terrible idea.
Dating a musician isn’t really worth it either.
No one our age knows what they’re doing.
We have no idea how much we should be enjoying our youth.
I would date Kanye West in a heartbeat.
Everyone has to start somewhere. No, really. It’s OK if you’re just starting out. Just own up to your inexperience. Then gain experience.
Only you can make your dreams come true! It sounds corny and it is until it happens. Then it’s fucking rad!! So make it happen!
Whenever it looks hopeless just look at Mickey Rourke. If he can make a comeback, so can you.

Effect & Cause — The White Stripes

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Let Me Get What I Want.

Dec

2009

January 1st is bullshit. It does not exist! It only exists in your mind. By which I mean…DO NOT WAIT UNTIL JANUARY 1ST TO START YOUR RESOLUTIONS. INSTEAD, START THEM NOW, SO BY JANUARY 1st YOU’LL ALREADY BE OFF TO A GREAT START! Instead of saying, “I’d like to lose 10 pounds starting January” why not lose the 10 pounds before January so you can look banging on New Years Eve? (By the way, it’s not advisable to lose 10 pounds in a whisker under a month but if you want to I suggest cocaine. That’s what all the stars use! If you cannot afford cocaine then you can try caffeine. But no solids. Ever. Not until after January 1st, rockstar!)

But really. Don’t let Glamour magazine tell you to wait for the first. Or your teachers. Or the television with the Desperate Housewives and the Jello pudding. Do it now. Join me! It will be like a giant flashmob on the internet. But instead of reaching for dance moves we’ll be reaching for our goals. Or reaching for metaphors like I just did.

So tomorrow is December 5th. By January 5th, I want you all to complete something that’s important to you. Maybe it’s to come up with an awesome outfit for the Lady GaGa concert on the 22nd at the Nokia Theatre, but that’s totally not why my goal is, I mean that’s just silly, right? Yeah it’s not like I’m already getting ideas for makeup and hair, maybe even considering buying a bow wig on Ebay or trying to recreate her SNL outfit from when she was with Madonna. I AM TOTALLY NOT DOING THAT IN SAFARI RIGHT NOW. SHHHH. Dont’ tell anyone you guys. Let’s just keep it a secret between us and the internet.

Maybe your goal is something better than that (not that that’s what my goal is because it isn’t at all). Maybe you’re looking for a part time job. Or trying to pick a major. Or maybe you’re working on a screenplay. I don’t know! I don’t know what people do. I mean, I know what people do, because people are insufferable and love to talk about their jobs and when they do that my brain is all, “Psh, later dude” and floats out via my ears and I’m stuck watching a cartoon on loop, Homer Simpson-style. Then when they stop talking I’m forced to say something about myself so I wind up making some dumb joke because I hate being sincere and then they say to their friends that I’m a bitch with no feelings and that I try too hard. Then I go home and write about it in my journal and cry while listening to Morrissey. Then if it’s raining I lean my face against the rain and pretend like the raindrops are tears falling down my face. If it’s not raining I run the shower and get on the other side of the shower door and press my face against that. It’s called adapting to your surroundings.

But let’s do it together, you guys. Let’s be the Black Eyed Peas. You guys are Will.I.Am., Taboo…and the other dude. I’m Fergie. Together we’re going to wear diabolical outfits and sing songs that, according to my brother, sound like they should be in “High School Musical or some shit, can’t you picture Zach Efron singing to this? God I hate this song, change it.” Then I tell him to shut up because I’m the one driving. We can do this, together. Tell me what your goals are for the new year and fuck the new year because we’re doing it now. I GOTTA FEELING.

Then when 2010 comes we’ll be ahead of the game. I’ve always wanted to be ahead for once! My whole life I’ve been falling behind. Not this time, paper gangsters. This time I’m going to stop procrastinating and start getting everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s scary but it’s time. It’s time for all of us!

A Whole New World — Aladdin Soundtrack

P.S. After you download this (because I know you will, don’t even pretend you won’t) pretend it’s Morrissey singing it. Then realize it would be a fantastic song for him to cover and wonder why he hasn’t already.

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Things You Need To Stop Doing Right Now.

Dec

2009

YOU NEED TO STOP…

— Using the phrase “Alma mater.” Who the fuck are you trying to fool? Latin’s a dead language, buddy. Just say, “My former/old school.” That sounds real. When you say “Alma Mater” you sound like Ron Burgundy.

— Saying that you’ll follow someone on twitter and then not.

— Using sarcasm in text messaging because it’s really hard to tell when/if you’re being sarcastic through a text message. Beware the exclamation point. They’re the fine line between enthusiasm and sarcasm. “Sorry!” vs “Sorry.” Of course it’s all about context but if you don’t know the person very well then the one with the exclamation point can look very sarcastic.

— Praising Michael Cera for acting. You could swap the guy with a house cat in any of his films and I guarantee you will get the same performance but with less fake, “Oh, I-I guess this thought is, ah, j-just coming to me” stuttering.

— Selecting “reply” on a facebook message if you’re not the only person it was sent to because then we all get your stupid response of, “Thanks for the photos, Nikki, the kids look too cute!!” or whatever. Just reply to the person who sent it to you. My God old people ruin everything.

— Wearing boyfriend jeans. I don’t know what asshole came up with this, but it’s not flattering on anyone. Anyone! Anyone. Katie Holmes, you look like you are on your way to paint a goddamn house. It’s just sloppy looking and stupid. (If this were a text message I could say, “Wow I am really awed by boyfriend jeans! They’re so great!!”).

— Making the same mistakes. “Always crashing in the same car” (Bowie). Learn from your mistakes, don’t repeat them. It’s like George W. Bush said: “Fool me once…shame on you. Fool me twice (long pause) you–you can’t get fooled again.” It’s exactly like that. That is a perfect mistake about making mistakes.

I think I’m falling asleep here, so I’m going to do to bed. I hate when you can’t tell if you’re sleepy or just over it.

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Danny's Signs He's Not Worth It.

Nov

2009

Please enjoy this piece by guest writer and friend Danny Artese:

So you’re texting/ g-chatting/ on your phone with/ great-Gilbert-Gottfried’s ghost!- having drinks in person with- your friend whose vulnerable little heart has once again been stepped on by a specimen of australopithecus jerkarensis. As you dab your friend’s tears with your monogrammed hankie (Handkerchiefs for repeated nose-blowing = why does this still happen? Handkerchiefs for dabbing the tears of a friend in need = approved) you say, “Don’t be upset. He isn’t even worth the snotty cocktail napkin you’re crying into (no way is your friend’s nose going in your hankie, after all)!” This could be one of those things you say to make people feel better like, “Maybe losing your job, your health insurance, and your Betta fish all in one day is a blessing in disguise” or maybe you actually mean it.

Why do we really mean it when we tell our friends a guy’s not worth it, but have such a hard time believing it when we hear it? Same with compliments, by the way. If only all the answers followed, but instead please enjoy whatever learnings this list of true-life examples of things boys have said and done to prove they are definitively not worth it (obvious proof in the style of only-periodical hygiene, violent tendencies, unhealthy addictions, and brown shoes with black belts need not be mentioned):

He says: I have commitment issues. This one is entirely context-dependent. If you have selected paint samples for the baby’s nursery and booked your hotel room in Sochi for the 2014 Winter Games before you’ve learned his last name, he’s probably entirely justified in telling you he has commitment issues. More likely, you have commitment issues. However, when a guy tells you he has commitment issues when you are trying to schedule a second date after an agreed-upon spectacular first date, he is not likely to be worth joining for a second date. Either he’s lying- but we never want to believe they are lying when they tell us a date we enjoyed went well- and is using this as an excuse, or he’s telling the truth. In the event he is an honest soul, there is no need to waste time pursuing someone who is so scared of the amazing time he had in his first outing with you that he can’t stomach the idea of another. The only possible route to redemption after such a disgrace is obviously if he handwrites you a love letter in which he explains that he was startled by how quickly he fell for you and lists all his favorite quirks about you: “the way you cut your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in three instead of two, how your freckled nose crinkles just above the bridge whenever the smell of yesterday’s pad thai wafts into the dark channels that are your nostrils, etc”.

He says: I get it. You’re (fill in the blank). Any way you slice it, this is a sign you’re dealing with a guy who is clearly beneath you. If he fills in the blank with a negative (gassy/poor/ancient) he’s just mean. Fill in the blank with a positive (brilliant/beautiful/hilarious) and it comes off sarcastic at best. The implication of his preface “I get it” is that you can stop trying so hard to convince him of your best attributes, even if they’re just shining through naturally. What is dating but an exercise in convincing and being convinced that high levels of brilliance, beauty, and hilarity are present? On the off chance that you really are trying too hard to communicate these qualities (ok, it’s an on chance), he can let you know he’s picked up on them with a simple, “Wow; how did I get so lucky to meet someone who’s so brilliant/beautiful/hilarious?”followed with a gentle, gentlemanly kiss on the neck, cheek, or possibly lips; I’ll take corny over tactless any day. I want to be electrified, not electrocuted, thank you.

One of my personal favorites a guy has ever said to me: I already feel like I know you well enough. Well enough? You know me well enough? You would rather not learn one tiny new thing about me, ever? Note to all the gentleman callers out there: when you’re with someone, whether it’s romantic, entirely platonic, or an encounter of the third kind and the other party says something along the lines of wanting to get to know you better, “I already feel like I know you well enough,” is never an appropriate response unless you are looking to halt production until a replacement can be found. In that case, proceed and enjoy your karma.

He’s ugly. If you’re embarrassed to be seen with him, it doesn’t matter how wonderful he is behind closed doors. If you must be with an ugly guy, keep things under wraps. Literally. Wrap that sucker’s face in gauze and tell him you have a mummy fetish if you need to. You’ll earn far more brownie points for dating a burn victim than you’ll lose for breaking up with a guy just because he’s not attractive. I fully support dating slightly beneath your own hotness to ensure you’re the better looking one, however.

Danny currently lives in New York where he spends his free time building tiny houses for goldfish crackers. He used to like Martha Stewart but doesn’t anymore. Danny knows a lot about fine cheeses and is a great person to watch American Idol with. When asked if Danny would write a piece for my blog, he laughed then paused and said, “Oh, you’re serious.”

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