Category Archives: jane birkin

Please Dress Me.

almie rose bonnie and clydeThis right here is my uniform. Red lipstick, lots of black, and this Serge Gainsbourg & Jane Birkin tee when I’m not wearing a black dress.

Today I start a new job in fashion Exciting! I have no idea how I stumbled into the world of fashion (I also write for Genlux Magazine), it just kind of happened, and I love it. But I have a confession. Lately, I’ve sort of given up on my style. “I don’t know how to dress anymore,” I told my mom. Expecting her to say, “Oh of course you do,” she instead said, “Yeah you’re not really trying anymore.” Yikes. Let’s take a magical tour through my fashion history, shall we? (This post contains lots of photos so if your computer is slow, lollolol). Oh and

What is your daily uniform? What’s your favorite style, your favorite looks, your favorite fashion inspiration? And do you have any suggestions for me?

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What You Need To Do.

Starring the cast of “La Piscine”.

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The first thing you need to do, if you’re a man, is to get a pair of womens sunglasses. Look at Alain Delon. He looks like a complete moron. But doesn’t he also look European and suave? OK, being European, like Delon, probably helps in looking European. But the ladies sunglasses will really take it to that next level. That level of, “What a douche…yet…I kind of want to be his friend, I bet he goes to lots of cool parties.”

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What you need to do is, if you’re a woman, work on your bikini body like Romy Schneider and Jane Birkin. Oh I know what you’re thinking, “But Uncle Almie summer’s almost over.” Guess what? Your body’s still gonna be there in the fall. Lurking under your Marc Jacobs coat. At any moment you may be called upon to showcase it in a bikini. Oh, you think I’m kidding? Once in NYC in the fall (or maybe even winter) I went to a spa with my friend and we needed to wear bikinis and I was like, what I don’t have one, so they gave me a disposible paper bikini to wear and it was so bad I needed a presidential pardon. But could I get one? No. Did That guy from The Fugees get one? Yes, he did. Wait what was my point? Oh yeah, stop eating.

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What you’re also going to need to do, for the gentlemen, is to get a manicure, so us ladies will have no problem with Jazz Hands! on our thighs. (JAZZ. Jazz). You don’t need to get nail polish if you don’t want to, but just trim that shit and make it look presentable. Women are always like, omg I love mens hands the most out of any of their body parts (I’m pretty sure this is a lie, I mean, what? Hands, really?) but still, take care of that because I like to give high fives a lot, and no that is not a euphemism, I’m just batshit for high fives.

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I mentioned the sunglasses, right? This goes for men and women. Get like, 10 pairs. They can be cheap, no one will notice. Get “day” sunglasses and “night” sunglasses. Get a sunglasses closet, like Elton John. DON’T wear them indoors because people will think you’re hungover. If you are hungover then use eye drops. NEVER let people borrow your sunglasses, because you will NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN. If people want to try them on, hand them over, count to five silently in your head, then grab them back, casually. Say, “Oh hey, are you excited for Season 3 of Mad Men?” and while they’re answering, just take them. They’re yours. It’s your life. Drink Coca~Cola.

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What you need to do is, if you’re a woman, stare wistfully at nothing. At most this will get you the attention of a gentleman; at least, it is a good pose for photos. People will look at you and think, “Gee, she seems interesting.” People who look like they have problems are the most interesting people. People who look insanely happy are usually the people you want to avoid because all they’re going to do is brag about why their life is so wonderful. You have martinis to drink and people to flirt with, you don’t have time for their bullshit. Besides, you wrote and directed a hit play, so you’re not sweating it either.

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What you need to do is, you need to have fun, like this extra. Who is she? How did she get this role? All she does in this film is dance. Maybe she has one line. Did she know someone? Was she a popular model of the times? Did they see her headshot and think, “I bet she dances like a nutjob and she kind of looks like Cher, get her agent on the phone.” Did she have an agent? Who cares? Look at the joy. If only we all had that joy. Just try it. Go through life like you’re a dancing extra in a movie about sexy Europeans in sunglasses. What could be the harm?
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Beautiful Women With Ugly Men

What is with super beautiful women pairing up with super not beautiful men? Are they super talented? Super rich? Super man? Superman? Batman? Wait what’s going on you guys?

Oh right. Pretty women with ugly dudes. Now this gives me hope because I’ve been told I’m beautiful (by myself, looking in the mirror, this counts though I am pretty sure) so maybe I haven’t found a guy yet because the guys I’m going after aren’t ugly enough. (Of course these guys are also massively talented. And famous. Maybe that’s they key.) Observe:

Jane Birkin with Serge Gainsbourg

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Serge, but even Jane is looking like, “Damn am I really letting this dude touch me?” He also banged Bardot for a while! Now Serge Gainsbourg has a sexy voice and is a brilliant writer but dude’s got a face like the Aggrocrag from Nickelodeon’s “Guts”! What!! I’m just saying!!!

Kate Moss with Pete Doherty

Pete Doherty looks like an overgrown baby (with a cocaine addiction). Yeah, his music is…OK. I mean no one’s going to say, “Babyshambles is the greatest band ever!!” and if they are then take another look, because you’re probably talking to Pete Doherty. This woman went from Johnny Depp to this dude. I don’t think I need to say any more.

Sharon Tate with Roman Polanski

Polanski actually looks kind of cute here. But let’s be real: dude is short and straight-up odd-looking. Even before he got all rapey he was a little unsettling. I would be too if I went to a concentration camp when I was a kid and lost my mom there. Whoa, that’s kind of going off topic. Holy shit now all I want to do is hug Roman Polanski and tell him that it’s going to be ok. What is wrong with me?? Damn you Sharon Tate, you’re so goddamn endearing that I can’t help but fall in love with him too. Plus people tell me I kind of look like you. Not that that has to do with anything at all, I just like to brag.

Britt Ekland with Peter Sellers

I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a stretch to call Peter Sellers “ugly”. He’s a little paunchy with a lot of chest hair and a distinguished nose, but I find him sexy too. However she’s BRITT EKLAND. Brit Ekland! BRITT EKLAND.

Audrey Hepburn with Mel Ferrer

Hey Audrey, sup? You’re just chilling with the Ghost of Christmas Future? Awesome. How’s the–WHOA, WAIT, THAT’S YOUR HUSBAND? BACK THE FUCK UP. Audrey did you know that pretty much every man in the world has a crush on you? Even today? Like everytime I hung out with this sexy sexy man he would go on and on about how hot you were? Ok so he turned out to be bisexual but I think my point still holds? You’re Audrey Hepburn. This is really the man for you? William Holden threw himself at you but you turned him down for this dude? Because Holden couldn’t have children? You just buy them at the children store! Come on now! That’s what all of the hot celebrities do! Look maybe I could be a little more sympathetic if Ferrer didn’t turn out to be an angry control freak with fidelity issues. Man. Audrey Hepburn. Man.

Mischa Barton with Cisco Adler

They broke up in 2007 I think (haha “I think” like I don’t know this for sure, like my life isn’t sad enough to know that they broke up in February of 2007) and I say thank God. Cisco Adler, much like Jack White, looks like the kind of guy who would steal your car. And did you see those naked photos of him that were making their rounds on the internet? I’m not going to post them here because I don’t feel like gagging for the next 45 minutes but feel free to look them up. I don’t get it Mischa! You had it all. A hit show, a thin bod, a cool name…and this is what you chose. You saw this, deemed it fuckable, and fucked it. So glad you moved on, girl.

So ladies, if you’re hot and you haven’t been having luck, maybe you should hit up an ugly dude. Just make sure that he’s rich or about to become super famous!

xxoo

If Looks Could Kill — Camera Obscura

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