“Tell me who’s invited: you, your friends and my dick.”
— Kanye West
On here I can say (mostly) whatever I want but in social events I’m oddly shy (unless I’ve been drinking). People mistake my shyness for pure bitchiness and no one talks to me. Thus when I am included I try very hard. I’ll be the one to laugh the loudest at the lamest jokes or ask you everything one could possibly ask about your new job. And honestly, it’s exhausting. I just want to be normal. Sometimes when I’m talking on the phone to someone I don’t know very well, my voice gets ten octaves higher. In my head I’m thinking, “Why are you talking like this?? Use your normal voice!!!” but the damage has already been done, I’m already talking like a 1920s gangster’s girlfriend and there’s no going back.
When I was a little kid I was totally different. I was loud, bossy, and let everyone know what I was thinking. I was probably a total asshole. But I would kind of like to be that little asshole again. When I interned at a certain film studio that may have temporarily sucked the life out of me I would have to answer the phone. I would pretend I was Faye Dunaway. It was the only way I could keep from floundering. This generation, I’ve noticed, hates talking on the phone. Who can blame us? The internet raised us. Once we realized we could simply type our thoughts as opposed to, you know saying them, that was it. I mean that was fucking it. It’s 2010 and I feel like I need to take an elocution class.
But if I’m anything around others, it’s polite. Too polite. I don’t want to cause trouble. I’m like that character in old westerns who tends the bar, who says things like, “Easy there, Tom” to the swaggering cowboy who waltzes in with a gun. “We don’t want no trouble here McLaren,” I stammer, as I wipe down the bar for the twelfth time. I want to be the guy with the gun! I’m not saying that I want to walk into bars pointing guns at people, because I’m fairly certain that is both insane and illegal, I just want to stop tending the bar all the time. WHY WON’T THEY LET ME BE GREAT is the lament of Kanye. I realized that I am the only one keeping myself from being great.
And you’re probably the only one who is keeping you from being great. I’m not saying you should walk up to women/men and say exactly what’s on your mind, because I think that’s a cop-out. That’s a way of being rude and trying to pass it off as being honest. But what you should do is stop bullshitting people. Why are we still doing this? I would love to go on an audition and after I’m done have the casting person tell me, “This is so not going to happen, but thanks for coming in.” (I mean ideally I would like them to say, “You’re hired!” and have balloons fall from the ceiling and maybe Regis Philbin could roll by on a Segway because I don’t know, that just screams “celebration!” to me) but if I didn’t get it I would like to know, right then, right there. But that’s not going to happen, unless Kanye is the casting director. And this brings me to a revelation:
If everyone was a little more like Kanye West, we might get along better.
Or, we would all say things that we believe in the moment, but then regret later.
But it seems like I do that anyway. That’s just called life.
Aus Jus — Teddy Geiger
(And, in unrelated news, here is my review of Las Vegas: http://thisrecording.com/today/2010/4/7/in-which-get-up-and-shake-the-glitter-off-your-clothes-now.html)
Remember that last post where I waxed poetically of the rain and the warm feelings it gave me? Yeah, I’m over it. I’m starting to go a little crazy. I only had work one day this week and one casting workshop and other than those activities I’ve been stuck inside this house. Cabin Fever is hitting hard and there’s no Rider Strong to keep me company, which sucks. However, there’s no flesh eating virus so I guess that’s a plus.
Are you in a similar situation? Are you getting stir crazy? You are not alone. Follow my lead and together we will cross the desert of ennui in an SUV with seat warmers.
Need I say more? Wait, yeah I probably should. Kanye West will always keep me amused. I love listening to his music but even more I love watching the wacky stuff he’s done and thanks to Youtube this is possible. I wish Don Knotts was alive so that he could be on hand to say, “Kaaaaaaaan-yeeee!” every time Kanye screws up. Who could forget this classic moment?:
What people forget is even before the glorious “George Bush does not care about black people” statement and Mike Meyers perfectly timed “The Office”-like reaction of shock is the moment before when Kanye first goes off script and Meyers is determined to stay on it. Thank you, Kanye, for telling the truth whether it’s about politics or Beyonce. To quote you from a few years ago: “If I don’t win, this award show loses.” Yes, yes how true, you delightful man.
Risky Ebay Bidding.
I have a list of favorite ebay sellers/stores (it’s all vintage clothing) and what I like to do is go through it, find pieces I really like, and put down my highest bid in hopes that someone outbids me. I don’t actually want to spend money but I do like picturing myself in the clothes. This is like gambling for me. Will I win and have to pay for it? Is there a bullet in the chamber?
Reading the message boards at imdb.
Some of the funniest greatest quotations I have ever found have been gleaned from the wastelands of user opinions on the IMDB message boards. Some examples:
(From the Mad Men boards):
“Pete’s far too self-involved to kill himself. He loves himself. That’s the last thing he’d do.”
“Suicide usually is the last thing someone does.”
(From The Jurassic Park boards):
“And the mother of all gaffes–the T. Rex INSIDE the visitor center! What did it do, crouch down and crawl through the front door? It’s 30 feet tall for God’s sake! I guess it’s one of those magic, teleporting T. Rexes.”
AAGH THE INDIGNATION!
(From The “Blow-Up” boards):
“The fact that nothing gets resolved is my favorite element of this movie. Every time Hemmings discovers something he gets off track. Instead of pushing the story forward he has an orgy, instead of tracking down Vannessa Redgrave [he] goes to a concert, instead of taking photos of the dead body he goes to a pot party. Finally, when the body is removed, he forgets everything and watches college students play a fake game of tennis.”
Whoops, spoilers. Well, not really.
(From The Great Gatsby boards):
“F. Scott Fitzgerald was a big fan of Star Wars and was known to dress up as a Storm Trooper for Star Wars conventions.”
As I remember, someone asked why the Star Wars Cantina theme was played in the Great Gatsby film and thus this burn was delivered in response.
“Why is Gatsby great? [Because] in my opinion, Gatsby is an idiot, but apparently he’s supposed to be great, so can anyone help me out? What makes this guy great?”
I think it’s important to ask the tough questions.
(From The Kate Hudson message boards):
“I heard she broke up the Black Crowes when they met, a la Yoko breaking up the Beatles. But they’re back together now I think, the Crows not the Beatles, so I guess it didnt matter.”
I don’t know why I was on the Kate Hudson message boards either. And now, for my personal favorite:
(From The Man On The Moon boards):
“Andy Kaufman has made no public appearances since he died.”
Looks like somebody has a future as a publicist!
Contemplate Cleaning My Closet, Taking Out A Few Pieces, Staring At Them, Then Putting Them Back.
Looking At Old Photos Of Myself And Remembering The Good Times.
I remember you. You used to be so full of optimism. Or you used to be so full of pessimism but was very good at masking it with fake optimism. You used to take pictures of everything you did everywhere you went. Then that got trendy so you stopped. You used to cover your walls with photos of Marilyn Monroe and would read every book on her you could find. You used to write plays. Or start writing them, get bored and/or frustrated, stop, and write a new one. I remember you.
My friend Laura really knows how to pose in photos. She’s incredible.
The only person you can really ever depend on is yourself, so don’t let yourself down!
You can exercise every day but if you eat crap it’s not going to make a damn difference.
Opportunities are there for you to take advantage of. If you don’t, you have no one to blame but yourself!
There is always someone out there stupider than you are.
Rihanna is hard. So hard.
It’s ok for me to say no.
If you’re not being true to yourself and who you are, then there’s no point in even being there. So if you feel you need to paint a lighting bolt on your face to go to a party, then you better fucking do it. Be you!
People are not going to go out of their way to help you.
Image is reality. You can look like who you want to be, even if you’re not. The rest will follow.
Don’t make it easy for people to flake out on you.
This industry scares me.
To be perfectly honest I’m pretty lazy.
I’m so afraid of people saying no that I don’t give them the chance to say yes.
Cooking something is the quickest and easiest way to feeling accomplished.
Marcia Cross is crazy nice.
No one has a definitive answer. One person might hate something that another person loves. All you can do is your best. All you can do is try.
If you don’t try then you can’t complain.
Everyone loves capes. It makes you feel like a kid again.
Dating an actor is a terrible, terrible idea.
Dating a musician isn’t really worth it either.
No one our age knows what they’re doing.
We have no idea how much we should be enjoying our youth.
I would date Kanye West in a heartbeat.
Everyone has to start somewhere. No, really. It’s OK if you’re just starting out. Just own up to your inexperience. Then gain experience.
Only you can make your dreams come true! It sounds corny and it is until it happens. Then it’s fucking rad!! So make it happen!
Whenever it looks hopeless just look at Mickey Rourke. If he can make a comeback, so can you.
Women were so powerful in the 80s, right, with their power jobs and power suits and power hair. They weren’t going to take your crap. Sigourney would not take your crap. Melanie might. But Sigourney? No, Sigourney was all about business. Business and aliens but mostly business. If you didn’t want to do something you’d say no. None of this oh yeah facebook me crap just a flat-out no. No hope for tomorrow, friend. It ends here. Then you would drink a diet rite and return some videotapes.
Don’t be late to your Jane Fonda work out. Jane Fonda was 40 when she put out her first workout tape. During one of her exercise tapes she barks at you, “If I can do it, so can you!” It puts the fear of God right into your leg lifts. What can’t you do? Jane Fonda could stretch like a demon at age 40 and had the stamina of Sigourney, who at the time was not 40, what is your excuse? Go on ebay and get a Jane Fonda tape who gives a fuck. If you don’t have a VCR then download the 30 day shred from exercise tv.com or something. Jillian Michaels is serious business. She will murder you and wear your head as a hat but that’s exactly what you want in a trainer.
Network. Be social. Don’t turn down an invitation. Unless it’s from that dude who wants to be more than just a friend but you want to make him Mayor of Friendtown. I would turn down that invite because there’s no need to lift his hopes. Why plummet into an awkward scenario when you can float above it, far from it? Get a frozen yogurt, who gives a fuck. But say yes to everything else. Throw a party. You don’t need a reason. You’re young and healthy and full of life, there’s your reason. But don’t tell people to BYOB that is tacky as hell. If you can’t afford alcohol for a lot of people then downsize your party into an intimate get-together. Don’t ask people to bring their own booze unless you want them to hate you. You’re not tacky. Sigourney!
Get angry. Get Kanye angry. Type in capital letters and use lots of exclamation points. Then delete it and re-write what you really wanted to say because nobody wants to read that shit. But it helps to get it out there. Just do it and move on, why not, who gives a fuck? This is 2009 and that has to mean something. Or maybe it doesn’t. I’m not wise like George Harrison. Buy Tab because it still has the classic packaging that its always had and consistency is an admirable quality. Find your cassette tapes and play them. Make a real mixtape. Buy Tiger Beat and leave it in your doctor’s office. Bring joy. Drink Coke. Dance around a maypole. I don’t give a fuck that it’s not spring. Construct your own maypole out of supplies from Home Depot. Then have a party. Play your mixtape at your party. You’re a modern woman, or man, and this is your year. Every year is your year if you want it to be. Sigourney!