Category Archives: karaoke



I’ve been MIA lately (I’ve got more records than the KGB, too). I’ve been sick. I got a CANKER SORE in my THROAT. I had constant throat pain. I was on vicodin and something even stronger.

But the great news is that I lost a lot of weight! Sadly I think I may have gained it all back at this point. But I’ve never been so thin in my life. I guess that will happen when you can’t eat solid food for a week.

Now I guess I have to rely on eating well and exercising. It’s 2009 haven’t we found something easier yet? Someone should make a pill that decreases your appetite the way it does when you’re sick without totally damaging your immune system. Or I could just take a bunch of diet pills with a bunch of caffeine pills and see what happens. I’m guessing it will be a “On this very special episode of ‘Saved By The Bell'” moment.

I am so lazy. Exercise is a perpetual chore that has seemingly no end unless I want to be fat and miserable for the rest of my life. I have found though that Karaoke is fantastic exercise, although the risk of embarrassment is far greater. Or maybe not, I often trip when I jog, and it seems like I’m constantly pulling my sweatpants up.

Karaoke will take you from this:

Photo 347
(a perfectly polished nice lady, with an admittedly messy room)

to this:

(a beast. OF BURDEN! see it’s funny because that’s what I was singing at the time.)

My favorite songs to whip out for Karaoke are “Poker Face”, “Bitch”, “Beast of Burden”, anything by Winehouse, “One Way Or Another” and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. I gotta say though, I am very serious about my Karaoke and I kind of hate it when people hog the mic. It’s like, we listened to your very special rendition of “Lady In Red” now please give me the mic before I grind your bones to make my bread.

But one of my absolutely favorite ways to Karaoke is to “Shatnerize” everything. You know, sit on a stool (preferably with a cigarette) and talk your way through the song. Shatnerizing works especially well with David Bowie songs, for some reason, which is what I did with “Starman”:

I…didn’t know what…time it was.
The lights were…low.
I leaned back on my…radio.
Some cat. Was laying down some rock and or roll.
“Lotta soul!!”
He said.

Try it sometime. Finally I prefer Karaoke in front of a crowd as opposed to having a private room. When I’m in a private room I feel like I’m just playing Rock Band and I’m thinking, I paid $26.41 for this? But when you’re in front of a crowd it’s SERIOUS. BUSINESS. It’s fun. It’s exciting. It’s REAL. Real awesome.

In conclusion, my all-time Karaoke goal is to duet with Adam Lambert. I might settle for Zachary Quinto.


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