Category Archives: Kiss On My List

Shit that I am so into right now (part 1).

Here are some things that I’m ~~really into~~ lately. I found all of these photos on Pinterest and Instagram.

10. Me.

almie rose child actress

I am just soooo into me right now. Look at what an amazing child I was. Not much has changed. I’ve had bags under my eyes since I was six and I have the same stupid bangs and my lips have gotten bigger but that’s it, I am still incredibly, wonderfully, unscathed by time and by the harshness of people just, like, not getting me.

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How To Kill A Pop Star In Ten Steps.

1. Let them dictate what’s best for them. You might be a doctor, but they might really love drugs.

2. Don’t say no to anything.

3. Just keep giving him drugs.

don't give a fuck meme

4. Spend most of your focus and time away from your patient; instead text and call your girlfriends.

5. If one day you should find your patient dying, yell for the kids to help.

6. Do not call 911.

7. Ask if anyone knows CPR. Do not call 911.

8. Text more girlfriends. Do not call 911.

don't give a fuck meme

9. Finally call 911.

10. Lie to the ER doctors who ask you if the pop star took any drugs.

Success!

don't give a fuck meme

Have you been watching the trial? What are your thoughts on this whole case?

 

 

 

 

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Words & Phrases That I Overuse.

“What time is it?” / “What day is it?” / “Am I hungry?” / “I’ll have an iced tall skinny vanilla latte, please.” / “Wait what’s going on?” / “I don’t even know what’s happening right now.” / “Do I like you?” / “Do I have to take the freeway?” / “Where is that?” / “What is that?” / “Who is that?” / “I think we’ve met.” / “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” / “And I was like, ‘what?'” / (In the company of one other person) “You guys.” / “Where am I?” / “Is 3 o clock too early to start drinking?” / “Why does that guy/girl have a pilot and I don’t?” / “I should write for The Simpsons.” / “I’m not sleeping with you tonight.” / “Why does everything bad happen to me?” / “Where are my sunglasses?” / “I’m running a little late.” / “I’ll be there in, like, twenty minutes.” / “I’m bored, you wanna make out in my car?” / “I can’t sleep.” / “Okay.” / “Is that guy hot? I can’t tell, I don’t have my glasses on.” / “Have I been here?” / “I broke the cork in the bottle again.” / “I’m sorry.” / “I’m sorry that I’m sorry.” / “I’m exhausted, I’m just going to stay in and watch American Idol.” / “Is it safe to mix these two pills?”

 

Tomorrow is my Blogiversary. 2 years. Expect a fun little post tomorrow in celebration of this intangible internet thing. Treats for all.

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Television Boyfriends.

The Pros and Cons of TV’s Best Boyfriends
In No Particular Order

“Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.” — Homer Simpson

Aiden Shaw, “Sex and the City”
Pros: Forgiving, thoughtful, caring, can make you a bench or chair.
Cons: Will clutter your bathroom with various Speed Sticks (they have different smells).

Ted Mosby, “How I Met Your Mother”
Pros: Wants to get married. Is romantic, kind, and sweet. Kind of looks like a young John Cusack.
Cons: Tells corny jokes and takes a really, really long time to tell a story.

Jim Halpert, “The Office”
Pros: The perfect balance of geeky and cute, really good at pining for people, height.
Cons: Lets the smallest amount of power go to his head.

Bill Compton, “True Blood”
Pros: Is a gentleman, probably knows how to do the Lindy Hop, believes that chivalry is not dead even though he is.
Cons: Kind of possessive, is easily captured, will at some point be mistaken for your son as he never ages, can’t stay in sunlight without bursting into flames, is probably a drag at dinner parties, and he might eat you if he’s really hungry.

Dawson Leery, “Dawson’s Creek”
Pros: Will wait for you forever.
Cons: Cry

Pacey Witter, “Dawson’s Creek”
Pros: Scrappy and sarcastic with a sexy smirk.
Cons: Overuses SAT words and dresses like Kramer.

Don Draper, “Mad Men”
Pros: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.
Cons: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.

Dylan McKay, “Beverly Hills, 90210”
Pros: Classic bad boy but without a crippling drug habit, rich, is sensitive deep down, and owns a lot of sharp looking dusters and overcoats.
Cons: Will disappear for weeks/seasons at a time, has a bad temper, will hit on your best friend while you’re in Paris, and hard to pin down; as one imdb user puts it on the “Beverly Hills, 90210” message boards, “[His] house was located right on the border between Beverly Hills and Narnia.”

Michael Bluth, “Arrested Development”
Pros: Patient, quick-witted, looks good in a suit.
Cons: Him?

Jack Shephard, “Lost”
Pros: Takes a leadership role, is a doctor, handsome, and likes dogs.
Cons: Looks bad with a beard. Loves to crash planes into mysterious islands. Has daddy issues. Cries a lot. Is dead.

UPDATED:

James “Sawyer” Ford, “Lost”
Pros: Good at shooting people. Good at punching people. Good at threatening people. Good at giving orders. Good at jumping out of airplanes. Also, this: Jack: “Do you recognize anything?” Sawyer: “Yeah, there’s my favorite leaf.”
Cons: Hates fat people. Hates freckled people. Hates doctor people. Hates Asian people. Hates polar bear people. Is also dead.

Eric Northman, “True Blood”
Pros: Has abs you could tap dance on, looks good in anything, has power, runs his own successful business.
Cons: Will not be able to take lazy strolls on a summer afternoon, will fuck with you for three seasons unless your name is Godric or you are a viking descendant, may die in a freak gasoline fight.

Zack Morris, “Saved By The Bell”
Pros: Is widely considered the class heartthrob, gets into lovably wacky shenanigans, will help you if you are, “so excited, so excited…so scared.”
Cons: Has a strange obsession with his high school principal. Will freeze-frame your ass. Is known for having a really big…cell phone.

“Uncle Jesse” Katsoplis, “Full House”
Pros: In a band, great hair and smile, good with kids.
Cons: Has questionable taste in denim, talks like a 1950s greaser, stays home a lot.

Robert Stack, “Unsolved Mysteries”
Pros: Great deep voice, looks good in trench coats, likes to help others.
Cons: Everything he says will sound ominous; you will wonder if, “We’re having dinner at 7:30” is the last thing you ever hear.

TV — Darlings

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Serious Adult Life Goals.

My birthday is rapidly approaching. Time to make some fucking goals. Life goals. Adult goals. Some of them are serious, and some of them are really serious. Others are less serious. Try to guess which ones; I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Here they are, in no particular order:

— Star in a Jeff Golblum-inspired fashion photo shoot. Dude had amazing style in “Jurassic Park” that I need to emulate.

— Do a shot-for-shot remake of Mick Jagger and David Bowie’s “Dancing in the Street” music video. I could play Jagger or Bowie, I have no preference.

— Eat a taco with Kanye West.

— Sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at karaoke without it being cliche.

— Become Hollywood’s biggest producer, so that I can fuck with all of the people who fucked with me.

— Win an eating contest. But a real one, not the kind that I have crying while stuffing my face with take-out at 11:00 PM.

— Buy a house and throw a house party with the theme “House.”

— Learn how to play the guitar from watching videos of Paul McCartney. Sure, that means I’ll have to learn it left-handed, but then I can honestly say to people, “Oh, you noticed I play the guitar left-handed but I’m actually right-handed? Yeah, that’s because Paul McCartney taught me how to play.”

— Sell my fucking book.

— Remake “The Big Chill” in 8 minutes for youtube with me in the Jeff Goldblum role.

— Approach someone at a party, with a head wound and a drink in hand, with the line, “Great party, isn’t it?” delivered just like the ghost from The Shining. The first person to understand is the person I know is my soulmate. If I have to do this at every party I go to, then so be it.

— Not give a shit if I gain 6 pounds.

— Care less what people think of me and more what I think of me.

— Wake my parents at 4 AM with a surprise birthday cake on a day in which it is definitely not either of their birthdays.

— Meet Morrissey so that I can ask him, “What’s wrong, Morrissey? GIRLFRIEND IN A COMA???!!???”

— Get my friend/s to learn a dance with me so that we can “spontaneously” bust it out at parties.

— Learn as much French and German as necessary to be able to put “speaks French and German” on my resume.

— When my dad was in advertising he had an office that had a button in it that opened and closed his door. I want that. If I have that, I’ll know I’m okay, that everything is okay.

— Have less goals involving Jeff Goldblum.

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Truths.

If you have dark brown hair and you live in Los Angeles, people will describe you as “exotic.”

That thing you think you’re really good at? You’re not that good at it.

The moment you start liking someone is the moment when they stop liking you. The key is to let someone like you and not like them until it’s absolutely necessary.

Whenever someone needs to reach me I am either eating or in the bathroom. Always.

If someone watches you leave it’s a good sign. Unless they’re a stalker.

I would be a great addition to “Mad Men.”

Stop thinking about someone and you’ll hear from them.

If someone says “I’ll try” what they mean is “I’m not going to do that.”

The harder you try to make sense of something, the less sense it will make. It’s like when you say a word over and over and it stops sounding like a real word.

If you meet someone in NYC you will see them again. If you meet someone in LA you will see them again and run.

Success isn’t about what you have, it’s about what people think you have.

“Lost” is over and it’s never coming back.

If someone really hates you it means they really care. It’s weirdly flattering.

Doc Brown was right. The future is what you make of it.

If someone says they’re 20 minutes away, what they really mean is, they haven’t left yet.

There’s nothing inherently bad about having your own catchphrase.

I’m a fucking babe.

A good mix CD can change lives.

Pop Bottles Baby (Justin Bieber/Lil Wayne mash-up) — The White Panda

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Things I Can Do To Make Me Feel Like Less Of A Failure In Life.

THINGS I CAN DO TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE LESS OF A FAILURE IN LIFE

(Aside from the Obvious Like “Make More Money”):


Be able to walk into a bar, announce, “Drinks are on me!” and actually mean it.

Learn something other than the word for airport in the “Learn French” 2 CD set my friend got me for my birthday two years ago.

Fall asleep before three in the morning on nights when I don’t go out.

Stop twirling my hair into thick shiny coils whenever I get nervous about something.

Shop at least once at Whole Foods without feeling like everyone is staring at me and judging me. Maybe it’s just in my head but I would swear that the people who shop at Whole Foods have appetites not for their organic produce but for destruction.

Learn how to properly format on this thing so that there’s not a space in between “Things I Can Do… etc” and the parenthesis underneath it. It’s driving me mad.

Expertly blow dry my hair.

Be described as “the toast” of something. NON-IRONICALLY.

Smoothly deal with a faux pas the way Don Draper did that episode of Mad Med where he swung the golf club into the glass ant farm and shattered it and just shrugged and said, “Let them pay for it.” GOD DAMN THAT’S SO SLICK.

Have a signature cocktail inspired by me.

Start my own line of lipstick.

Get in a fierce debate with someone where I say something so smart that someone else says, “Hear hear!”.

Stop losing my glasses all the time.

Get my face printed on a tee shirt as part of an underground art movement.

Live in a house with a door that opens into a wall just for the sheer frivolity of it.

Say something and wink without it coming off as creepy or strange.

Be truly missed.

Hideaway — Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich

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