Dear Almie,
GET IT TOGETHER. This is the second day in a row you’ve worn sweatpants and I’m guessing tomorrow will be the third. Okay, so you gained some weight, and sweat pants are maybe the only thing that fit you comfortably right now. But you can’t keep doing this. It’s unseemly. You’re not a college student. You can’t roll out of bed in sweatpants and then wear the sweatpants with a hoodie up top. You just CAN’T.
And STOP DRINKING WINE AT 3-4 IN THE AFTERNOON. Yeah, you’re a freelance writer, you can do it, but can doesn’t mean should. And yeah, maybe it makes you a better writer, because you feel freer. And yeah, maybe it’s cheaper than going out. And yeah, okay, you know what, go ahead and keep drinking.
Look, it’s okay that you hate pants. We all hate pants. It’s okay. Pants are the enemy. If they don’t have an elastic waistband, they’re not worth wearing. But don’t use that as an excuse to wear sweatpants every day. You gained the weight, you can take it off. You’re being lazy.
AND YOU HATE LAZINESS. “Don’t be afraid to try again. Everyone goes south, every now and then.” Who said that, Almie? Who said that? That’s right, Billy Fucking Joel said that. What does that have to do with anything? Well, it’s playing right now. So…so there’s that. What was the point? Oh yeah, laziness. DON’T BE THAT WAY. Laziness is an abhorrent trait. You work really hard but you relax just as hard. I know that at the end of the day, the last thing you feel like doing is the dishes, but who’s going to them if you don’t? Yeah you could wait around for your boyfriend to do them for you, but do you really want to do that? I mean, yeah you kind of do. BUT DON’T DO THAT. HE AIN’T YO MAID, GIRL. Is he Robin Williams in a wig? No? Then are we to understand he’s not Mrs. Doubtfire? Correct. He is NOT Mrs. Doubtfire. You’ve been over this theory and it’s been debunked, as he looks NOTHING LIKE Mrs. Doubtfire.
Almie, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
Okay, let’s just sum this up: get it together, lose weight, wear less sweatpants, do the dishes.
Good talk.
Love,
Almie
If you could write an open letter to yourself, what would it say? Write your own in the comments.
Photo credit: Patrick Gookin.
