My last post on mens’ clothing fashion prompted me to write this post. I think I made it clear that I do not appreciate this wave of “hipster fashion” (whatever that means to you) but as one reader suggested, I DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT, enjoy “bro” fashion. How dare you, madam. Don’t even jest.
Here are some looks for men that I enjoy:
Blazer, tee, jeans, watch. Simple. Refined. Not hipster.
A few posts ago I talked about womens’ clothing trends and my opinions (I pretty much hate everything.) Let’s talk about men this time. Some men make the following looks work. Some. But I even urge those lucky few to switch it up.
Gentlemen. Please explain this to me. Why do you wear these things?
Skinny jeans. Yeah, I said it. Skinny jeans are played out. I cannot even handle them anymore. I used to be the biggest skinny jean supporter. But then everyone started wearing them. And now everyone looks stupid. Especially when you tuck your shirt into them. What the hell are you thinking. You are not Freddie Mercury. You are not one of the 1960s Rolling Stones. But God knows you’re trying. Stop it. Just stop it. You may want to have children one day.
Boat shoes. One day I looked down and realized that all guys my age were wearing my dad’s exact pair of shoes. Do you want to kill a lady boner? Wear her dad’s shoes.
Shorts at an awkward length. Are these capris? Are you going for an Audrey Hepurn Funny Face look? What the hell are you doing? Either wear shorts or pants but don’t wear pants that suddenly change their mind and become shorts. You look like a penguin.
Mustaches. I think you shouldn’t wear a mustache unless you’re over 40. Especially one that looks like a prop for your pirate costume. Again, stop ruining Freddie Mercury’s memory. He doesn’t deserve this.
V-neck shirts. Let me explain this one. Some V-neck shirts are fine. It’s when you get really, really low cut that I start to have problems. I don’t need to see all that. I feel like I walked in on you midway through getting dressed. Wear a dickie if you have to.
The Napoleon Dynamite look. You know what I mean? Comically large glasses, an ironic tee shirt, colorful slacks. There are people who actually dress this way because God love them they don’t know better. You know better. And when you know better, you do better. Stop fucking around.
Suspenders. The first few guys who did this were admired; the rest of you should be ashamed.
Bow ties with short sleeved shirts. My eyes.
Fedoras. I might be able to excuse this if you’re wearing a suit. Might be. Then I get the whole Frank Sinatra/Don Draper vibe. But never with jeans. Hot tip: once Justin Timberlake wears something you need to accept that it’s over.
Unkempt beards. Cat Stevens did it, you’re not Cat Stevens, trim that shit.
Cuffed jeans. Cuffed jeans are only acceptable if you are wading in the ocean. Otherwise, un-cuff your goddamn pants.
What style trends for men bother you? Do you agree or disagree with my choices? Holla at me.
I don’t understand the way my contemporaries are dressing lately.
Before I get into this, I just want to say: this is not a personal attack on anyone. For all I know you make it work like a factory.
Ladies. Please explain this to me. Why do you wear these things?
Maternity Style Dresses. It’s more than an empire waist dress. It’s an EMPIRE STRIKES BACK dress. (See the pun I made there? SEE IT? Good.) I don’t get this. Okay sometimes I get it. When Mr. Tophat is in town, you wanna downgrade the situation and make things comfortable. But why would you elect to wear this style of dress every day? I rocked this outfit too — WHEN I WAS EIGHT.
Oxford shoes. What the fuck are these things. Why are they here. Why are women wearing them. Do you realize that they’re cutting off your leg 90% of the time? Do you realize you look like you’re about to go golfing? Do you not care that people might think you like to golf?
Leggings with a giant sweatshirt. Seriously, what the fuck is this? Talk about dressing like an 8-year-old. This shit is no longer acceptable if you are old enough to drive and are younger than 80. This is bullshit. It’s bullshit that you can put on a giant stupid sweatshirt with leggings and not be going to the gym and be posted on the Internet as a fashion ~~inspiration~~.
American Apparel. Do you not realize how disgusting this company is? How it’s racist, sexist, and just plain deplorable? Do you not realize that you can buy the same basics at Target for a fraction of the cost?
The whole “I’m a good Christian mom with two kids in 1990” look. You know what I’m talking about. The dowdy sweater, the ill-fitting mom pants, the OXFORDS or something similar, and to top it off, the mom-style leather purse. Also includes the whole t-shirt tucked into high shorts with a belt look.
The whole t-shirt tucked into high shorts with a belt look. Just for emphasis, because I really don’t understand this one.
The hummingbird skull necklace. It’s been done, sorry.
“I’m that math teacher from middle school” look. Similar to the ’90s mom look, but with a twist. The twist usually being a Golden Girls style dress and short socks with chunky heels. Also includes wearing the longest skirts ever made.
Long denim skirt. I can’t even–
Basically my issue is with lovely young ladies dressing like Clarissa Darling’s mom. I think they aim for Clarissa, but they overshoot. So explain this to me: what is the appeal?
Hello everyone! I haven’t updated in a while, I know. I’m sorry. JUST KIDDING, I’M NOT SORRY. Look for my post on weddings later in the week. For now, here are some videos:
This one is my super low-budget commercial for Hand Made T-shirts By Kenzie. And no, she’s not paying me or anything, I just love her stuff with a an exploding passion.
And here’s a brand new video that I am premiering here on my blog! This is what happens when I write late into the night.
I’m curious about you guys: if you could get a t-shirt with anything on it, what would you get?
What do I do when I get down? I eat McDonalds. Then I feel like I’m going to die. Then maybe it’s the combination of the sugary, salty, fatty food and the feeling that my life is about to end but something cheers me up and I start to look to my ultimate lifecoach/style icon/general awesome dude for guidance, and his name’s G-A-S…T…G-A-S-T-E….G-A-S-T-O…Ohhh…Gaston!
Gaston and I are really similar. We both have swell clefts in our chins. We both get melodramatic (“Dismissed, rejected, publicity humiliated — why it’s more than I can bear!”). No one can go stomping around wearing boots the way we do. We both use antlers in all of our decorating. OK, fine, I am aware that giraffes do not have antlers, but that paper mache giraffe head is the only animal head I own. It’s close enough.
I may not be the size of a barge or have biceps to spare but if pressed, I guess I could come up with a list of things about me that are great.
I have nice strong hair. I have the ability to somehow guess the correct year in which any film was made. Cats really like me. I usually (this photo aside) photograph pretty well. I can sometimes make people laugh so hard they spit out their drink. Few people have eyelashes as long as mine. I’m especially good at procrastinating.
If anything, listening to “Gaston” when I’m sad reminds me of being a little kid again. “Beauty and the Beast” is one of those movies that can make you feel OK if you just let it. Not like that bullshit “Love, Actually.”
To get that Gaston look of your own:
Dress/tunic: American Apparel.
Tights are from Bloomingdales but you can also use leggings. Gaston is a big fan of leggings.
Boots: Aldo.
The belt was 50 cents at a garage sale.
Note: I don’t actually recommend wearing this in public but I think the idea of it is nice.
Winter’s here and it’s time to snuggle by the fire and watch a classic holiday film. And we all know what that classic is: that’s right, The Shining.
The Shining has it all: a beautiful winter wonderlandscape, family, and the true meaning of Christmas (note: conclusions upon viewing may vary).
But my favorite part of The Shining is Shelley Duvall and her wardrobe. There’s something so underrated about Shelley Duvall. I think she looks like Jane Birkin. Actually her voice is pretty similar to Birkin’s too. I think we should put her on T-shirts. But that’s not important right now. In The Shining, Shelley keeps it simple but classic. Even though the clothes have a distinct late 70s feel to them they could easily be worn today. I’m going to show you how.
Danny’s not here, Mrs. Torrence, but hello accessories! A pop of color can really make or break an outfit. In this case the color red goes a long way for this tunic. Redrum indeed!
What’s your husband done now? He’s signed on as caretaker of a creepy hotel in the middle of nowhere during a long, cold, snowy winter? That guy!
Keep it chic with a blazer. A broach adds a personal touch.
Hey, I didn’t know Fred Willard was in this movie! What? I’m just kidding, folks! But whoever that guy is, I bet he knows how to cut a rug!
Before there was the internet, there was this crappy thing! Shelley finds company in the transistor radio wearing a fun jacket. She sure looks comfy! Over and out.
Hedgemazers sure get cold so be sure to bundle up in
a warm coat. Hey, wait up, Danny! That kid’s going places. And hopefully he gets there before his ax-wielding dad!
You may just be cooking at home (or in an abandoned hotel) for your family, but why not dress up a little?
This blouse really makes Shelley’s eyes pop! Or maybe that’s just the fear.
Don’t forget the lip balm to keep your pout nice and…SHINY.
Uh oh. Husband going a little sir crazy? Good thing you’re wearing your watch. Now you’ll know the exact time when he tries to kill you! But at least you look comfortable. Heeeeeeerrrree’s cotton!
Here’s a tip: it’s easier to flee from your murderer in nice thick winter socks. Toasty!
Aw Shelley why so sad? Maybe if you had this luxurious sweater coat instead of a bathrobe you’d be a lot happier.
Sorry, Jack, there’s nothing for you here. Try The Gap!!
All clothes from www.modcloth.com
Even though I’m long out of high school, my friend Kimme will always be one of the cool kids to me. Kimme and I went to high school together but we were a grade apart. Even though we had to wear school uniforms Kimme always managed to stand out and not in an obnoxious way, more like in a, “Hey who’s that cool chick with the Chrissie Hynde bangs?” way.
I’m always envious and amazed of people who know their style and have it down. Maybe you’ve noticed that the photos I put on this blog are of people whose style I wish I had: Cher (mostly 60s era Cher), Audrey Hepburn, Brigitte Bardot, Lou Doillon, et cetera. I’m still trying to find my personal style but Kimme is rock solid. The way she dresses reminds me of a mixture of Sable Starr, Joan Jett and Molly Ringwald in every movie.
Lady GaGa and Kimme remind me that you should always dress for you. Really. If you want to wear a latex dress, wear it. If you want to over accessorize, do it. If you want to wear a Donald Duck costume (I’m looking at you, Elton John) put it the fuck on and rock the fuck out of it. Sometimes I think I have to dress for men because that will help me find one (and sometimes I do because it’s just so easy to dress for men: tank top, preferably a white one with a black bra underneath, some great fitting jeans, heels and that’s it) but I realize that what’s going to help me find a man, find anyone, is confidence. And my confidence is going to hit when I feel totally comfortable in what I’m wearing, and that’s going to be something that I chose for myself because I love it. It also helps when I’m drunk.
Kimme, in a dress she designed, with her boyfriend Richie.
Kimme’s closet in 2005.
Kimme at high school graduation. We all had to wear white dresses and I love the dress she chose and how she accessorized it in a way that was totally hers. She could wear this again. But I don’t think she ever wears the same thing twice.
Thus, one of my resolutions (and how are we doing on those? Remember, we’re working on them now, before January 1st, because we’re awesome!) is to develop my personal style and not give a monkey what anyone thinks. No more dressing for men, friends, or the people who fall somewhere in between.
Drive-In Saturday — David Bowie
Baby It’s You — Smith
Le Marchand D’Amitie — Les Fleurs De Pavot
Charles — Pony Up
Barracuda — Heart
Then He Kissed Me — Sonny & Cher
Dead — Dana Gillespie
Suzanne — Francoise Hardy
Shattered — The Rolling Stones
Paris De Loin — Poney Express
TV — Darlings
She’s A Rainbow — Fuck
What do you do when your ex leaves you for his A-list actress ex girlfriend?
How do you land a musician boyfriend?
What's it like to make a total jackass of yourself when you meet that actor you've had a crush on for years?
What would When Harry Met Sally...
look like in 2013?
Am I hungry?
These questions and more are answered and explored by Almie Rose in "I Forgot To Be Famous";
essays and how-to's about dating, relationships, living in Los Angeles, and how they all crash into each other, like the car chase scene in the mall in the Blues Brothers movie...which she hasn't seen, but is not at all opposed to.
