no i’m not drunk

Has this ever happened to you? You’re lying in bed, trying to drift off on the ole Slumbertrain, when suddenly, out of freakin’ nowhere, a ghost pops in, rattling his chains, moaning, scaring the everloving shit out of you, ruining your evening? It has, right? Of course it has, because ghosts are fucking jerks. They’re […]

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Posted in: i don't even know, no i'm not drunk, no seriously I'm not drunk, yeah I might be drunk

What is the big deal about Ryan Gosling? I don’t get it, and I never have. The Internet (and “real life”) is freaking out because he’s having a baby with actress Eva Mendes. Um, did anyone think they had a chance with Ryan Gosling? Like his having a baby was the ultimate personal shutdown to you, […]

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Posted in: celebrities, no i'm not drunk

Jun

20

2014

Summer Goals

So, you wanna have the greatest summer ever? Why not set some summer goals? You know, little (or big) things (or thing) you want to accomplish over the summer. It will make your summer that much more rewarding, like a Hufflepuff getting house points! My summer goal was to be a circus bear. Then I was […]

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Posted in: HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!, i guess this is advice, no i'm not drunk

Nov

6

2013

Piano Man

Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” has reached now legendary status, but it wasn’t always that way. My cousin and his fiancé told me a story about Billy Joel that I hope is true, because if it isn’t, it really ruins everything I’m about to write. They said that Billy Joel was struggling with his record label. […]

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Posted in: i guess this is advice, no i'm not drunk

What if you ordered something really delicious and your date ordering something very average and you feel bad for them but at the same time you’re just full of disgust and annoyance, because why the hell would you order anything but melted cheese on top of something? What if you were on a dinner date […]

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Posted in: dating, no i'm not drunk

May

28

2013

my future self.

Okay so I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go ’round and ’round but there’s really no wheels aside from the ones in my head and they are spinning. I cannot focus on anything except the wrong things, like how loud this typing sounds and how annoying those goddamn children are next door and how […]

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Posted in: fear and loathing, i don't even know, no i'm not drunk, no seriously I'm not drunk, Oh that's dark

Starbucks is full of minor annoyances that make my life really, really hard. It’s like, I have to return some videotapes and make my reservation at Dorsia and I don’t have time to deal with your fucking bullshit, Starbucks. There’s a Starbucks that knows me, and do you know what that feeling is like? It’s […]

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Posted in: Minor annoyances, no i'm not drunk, patrick bateman