Pictured: not Train.

If you’re a part of my generation then you are more than familiar with the hit sounds of Train. I’m not talking about that Train that Ringo made sure was on schedule, but that was a good show, I’m talking about Meet Virginia, Soul Sister, motherfucking DROPS of JUPITER Train. And I happened to score an exclusive interview with the lead singer. Because I made it up.

APOCALYPSTICK: Hi, lead singer of Train!
LEAD SINGER OF TRAIN: (breaking into song) HAAAA-AAAY. HAAAAAAAAAAAY. HAAAA-AAAY HAAA-AAAAY.
A: Oh yeah, like that song you guys have that’s everywhere. How are you?
LST: Train!
A: Right, sure. Let’s start with the tough questions. Who would win in a knife fight: you or Rob Thomas?
LST: I am a peaceful man and I don’t believe in violence.
A: Okay but let’s say you’re in a knife fight with the Smashmouth guy, who would win?
LST: I would. I would stab the shit out of that guy.
A: Excellent. We thank you. In “Drops of Jupiter” you sing that, “She checks out Mozart while she does Tae Bo”. What the hell does that mean?
LST: She works out in front of a bust of Mozart. He’s great thinspiration. I thought I made that pretty obvious.

A: You seem to have an obsession with women working out. In “Meet Virgina” you sing about a girl who, “Wears high heels when she exercises.” You know women don’t do that, right?
LST: It’s a metaphor.
A: For what?
LST: For… (long silence) …America.
A: Okay. So back to “Drops Of Jupiter”–
LST: Are you going to keep asking me about “Drops Of Jupiter”?
A: From this point on, all questions will be about “Drops Of Jupiter” and “Drops Of Jupiter” only. Did you know that of this song and your performance of it at the Grammy’s a few years back, Kanye West said, “I liked when Train did ‘Drops of Jupiter.’ That was the first time I’d heard that song and I was like, ‘Oh shit, this is great!’”
LST: Yeah, Kanye and I are really tight.
A: Really? How so?
LST: I follow him on Twitter.
A: Uh…well, I mean…so do I. So does everyone.
LST: Yeah but I follow him really closely.
A: It doesn’t sound like you guys aren’t that close.
LST: We’re close. I always know exactly what’s on his mind.
A: So does everyone else. He’s Kanye West. He makes it known.
LST: (Pause.) Can we go back to “Drops Of Jupiter”?

A: Please. That song defined my high school years. Well, not all of them, just one. It wasn’t really the full year, it was maybe like six months. Or maybe it was in middle school, I have no concept of time. Then I kind of forgot about it, because I stopped buying those “Now That’s What I Call Music” CDs but then I got to that point where it was cool and fun to reminisce over 90s music and then I remembered the song and got in stuck in my head for another six months and now I think it’s the greatest pop song ever written, but my friend Dave says it sucks. What do you think?
LST: I think your friend Dave is a dick.
A: Oh snap! Now let’s talk about that key change, because the key change is what really makes the song. (I’m referring towards the end of DoJ: “did the wind sweep you off your feet“).
LST: That was my idea, that was all my idea. I have ideas.
A: Was the line about the soy latte your idea too? And, hey, what’s the best soy latte you’ve ever had?
LST: I don’t drink coffee. I just put that in there because it rhymed.
A: …It did? With what?
LST: It rhymed with this line we had before it but then we took that line out.
A: “She acts like summer and walks like rain.” How does one do that?
LST: Summer was this bitch I dated in high school and Rain is an exotic dancer with a limp.
A: You look so good and you’re in your 40s, how do you do it? You’re legit hot.
LST: Trains!!
A: Thank you for this made-up interview. I can’t wait for your next hit song that will nestle in my brain and play in a car commercial.