Dream weddings are so 1996. Oh I know what you’re thinking: “Gee Almie, sounds to me like you just picked an arbitrary date.” WELL OK I FUCKING DID. THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH 1996, I ADMIT IT. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? LOOK AT THE ANGUISH YOU’VE CAUSED. GO TO YOUR ROOM. EAT A SHARPIE.
But back to my perfect funeral. First of all, I’m going to have to demand it have a costume party theme. Something like this:
Now as for my body, I don’t want to be buried or cremated; I want my body to be propped up like a puppet but with Abe Lincoln animatronic technology so that I can wave to guests as they enter. Just sit me on a chair, play a recording of my voice saying, “Hey guys!” and have my arm wave back and forth. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I mean this is the year 00s, this is serious future shit, animatronic technology should be available.
the prettiest star — bowie should play as you enter the service and the theme from The Mary Tyler Moore show should play as you exit. Better yet, someone should hire a band to play the Mary Tyler Moore theme live.
I want to be buried in this outfit:
Please serve only champagne and In-N-Out at the reception and have the same band that performed the MTM theme song play “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” but ONLY in German OR dutch. Play NO OTHER SONGS. Just alternate between those two.
I WANT THERE TO BE BALLOON ANIMALS. As each person gives their eulogy (or “Eugoogolie”, to quote Zoolander — fuck, scratch that, I demand that everyone call it a eugoogolie –) they MUST have a balloon animal on their person. And balloon hats; but not if it interferes with their costume. The costume is CRUCIAL. And I cannot stress this enough: IT MUST BE A REAL COSTUME, NOT SOME BULLSHIT WHERE YOU PUT ON A WHITE JACKET AND SAY, “OH I’M A DOCTOR” — YOU BETTER RENT A COSTUME OR MAKE A DAMN GOOD ONE FOR MY FUNERAL.
Finally, the most important thing, is that I want everyone to have a good time. Value my life, be sad over my death, and eat lots of burgers. Play kazoos as you follow the processional. Make Phil Spector jokes. Tell funny stories about what an ass I was.
And I promise to do the same for you.
Though I will likely be escorted out of the building.
