Category Archives: relationships

I Want The Wedding. Not The Marriage.

Apr

2011

One husband. One wife. Whaddya got? Two people sentenced for life. – Nina Simone, “Marriage Is For Old Folks”

Oh Apocalypstick, what is your deal? Do you like weddings? Hate them? Do you want to get married or condemn those who do? Tell me your stories. Your dreams. Tell me everything. Okay, imaginary questioner. I love weddings, as long as you give me a plus one. I read wedding blogs like it’s my job. (IN NO WAY DOES THIS INTERFERE WITH MY REAL JOBS. JUST WANT TO MAKE THAT CLEAR. CLEAR WITH CAPS.)

I want a wedding. Why wouldn’t I? I LOVE PARTIES. The ceremony, not so much.

Here’s what I want. I want a Non Wedding Wedding. The invitations will say, “This is not a wedding. It is a celebration of me and whoever I tricked into being with me. There will be a party with an endless open bar. There will be a fantastic DJ, Sarah Jurassica Parker, and yes, that’s me.” I plan on DJing my own wedding. I’m really controlling about music. I got it from my cool Silverlake dwelling hip music industry bass playing cocktail aficionado uncle.

I just hate calling it a “marriage.” Some people get that, that you shouldn’t have to label it, and others say, well if it’s just a word why not use it and definite as you like? That’s a really cool idea in theory but our society (or at least the one I’m a part of) won’t let that fly. Our society is real uptight about marriage. Not just the “precious institution” thing but the little things, the things that you “should” or “shouldn’t” do. I’ve always wanted to wear my engagement ring as a necklace because I hate my stubby little childlike hands, and I don’t wear rings unless they’re huge cocktail rings, but that’s not important right now. But I know so many people who would not understand that. And that’s ok. But damn will it get tiring.

And I want an engagement ring but not a wedding ring. Again, yes, this is partly because of my little fatty elfin fingers, but I don’t want anything that says I’m married. An engagement ring is more like, I am with you and you are with me. It’s like a promise ring but with a diamond. Because I want a diamond. And I would wear it on my middle finger or my index finger, because those are the most flattering fingers for rings. Yes, I know I sound insane. I just really hate my hands. They’re freakishly small. I’m not exaggerating this, I’ll be conversing with someone and all of a sudden they’ll stop and say, “Oh my God, your hands are so small.” Continue reading →

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Plus One Or Get None.

Apr

2011

Photo by David Pullum London wedding photographer

I have a feeling that what I am going to say is going to piss a few people off, so I may as well not mince words and just be blunt: if you do not give everyone invited to your wedding a plus one, you are a total fucking asshole.

Whoa, right! “How dare you, Apocalypstick, or whatever the fuck your name is! Fuck you! Do you have any idea how expensive weddings are?”

I do. I read wedding blogs like it’s my job, and it’s not my job, so it’s actually a little sad. A lot of people, rightfully appalled by how much weddings cost, especially in this economy, are doing a lot of DIY. If you don’t want to do that, then maybe try not buying a thousand dollar wedding dress. Seriously, what the fuck is that? By all means, I love fashion and expensive things, so if you want to spend your own money on that, that’s fine, but don’t get all surprised when you realize your wedding bill is adding up faster than the Sesame Street Count.

A wedding reception is a party. A wedding ceremony is something else, and if you want to keep that guest list limited, then I understand. But let’s not kid ourselves, your wedding reception is a big party for everyone to celebrate you and your husband/wife/partner. That’s totally cool, but how can you tell me I can’t bring a date? Because you’re paying for dinner? When I throw parties, I provide alcohol and food too, and if someone wants to bring a date I’m like, go for it, because that’s what you do when you want your friends to celebrate with you. If you don’t think more is merrier, then keep your reception to family only and your best friend.

Because here’s the thing: by not letting me bring someone, you are punishing me for being single. You may not see it that way. You may see it as trying to save money. I see it as you being a jerk. I’m not even going to talk to you much at your wedding anyway, and I may not know anyone there, and I don’t want to stand or sit awkwardly all by myself all night and think about how I’m alone. “That’s your problem,” you say. No, it’s yours too, because if you’re inviting me, it means I’m your friend and that you want me to be there. I’m showing up, I’m getting you a gift, and I’m happy about it, but it really bums me out when you tell me I have to come alone.

And you know what’s even worse than weddings that don’t let you bring a plus one? Weddings that dictate you can only bring a date if you’ve been together for ____ amount of years. Fuck. You. Is my relationship any less valid than anyone else’s because we haven’t been together for over a year? What are you, the social life police? Get the fuck over yourself. I don’t question your relationship based on how long you’ve been with your fiance, so cut it out with the draconian relationship rules.

“But why should I have strangers at my wedding?” you ask. So don’t. Keep it family only. But guess what, you’re not even going to spend much time with the people you know. It’s your wedding and you’re going to be mobbed. And it’s not like I’m going to bring Charlie Sheen. My date is not going to ruin your wedding because they’re a stranger. What are you, twelve? Is this a super special slumber party? If I’m bringing a date, they’re coming because they want to be there too. Their name is on our card to you. I’m not going to drag some knife-wielding asshole.

Let me get all of the obvious comments out of the way: “Bitter much?”, “I see why you’re single”, “You probably don’t get invited to many weddings” [I don’t, thank God, because my friends aren’t getting married yet], “I’d like to see you plan your wedding.”

Now let’s have some real conversation.

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Teaser for Apocalandis Part Two.

Mar

2011

Here’s a little clip of what you’ll see in part 2 of Apocalypstick & Max Landis offer you advice.

We got a LOT of questions this time, so it’s going to take me longer to edit it. I may have to pull some Harry Potter shit and split it into two parts. I’ll try not to.

In the meantime, please enjoy this thoughtful and funny piece by Laurenne Sala. It has the wit and hilarity of a New Yorker cartoon. But with vaginae: Fruitcake

Feel free to use this post as a discussion of our videos, oral sex, vaginal odor, and vulva perfume. Please DO NOT use this post to talk about Charlie Sheen. This is a SHEEN-FREE ZONE. Yes, he’s so amusing and funny with his “tiger blood” and “winning” but he BEATS WOMEN and says HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT JEWS. Of all people who deserve attention, he is at the bottom of my list. So if you want to Sheenize, take that shit to Twitter, or better yet, NOWHERE.

Thank you! And yes, I did change my font, because Helvetica gives me such a heartboner.

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Get Back.

Mar

2011

I don’t want a serious relationship. I am not ready.

Thus, if I am dating you, don’t turn it around and pull that line on me. You can’t say that first, because I said it first. That’s like firing me when I already quit. So let’s get that right out there, cowboy style. Don’t use that line with me, because I am already using it on you. It’s been used. It’s been played. It’s Mrs. Peacock in the study with the wrench.

Here’s my next point. If you broke up with your girlfriend within the past year, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME. DO NOT TALK TO ME. DO NOT EVEN LOOK AT ME. YOU CAN STUFF YOUR SORRIES IN A SACK, MISTER. Why is it that I attract men who just got out of complicated relationships? IF YOU STILL HARBOR FEELINGS FOR YOUR EX OR ARE SUPER FRIENDLY WITH HER, GET. THE. FUCK. AWAY. FROM. ME. GET OUT OF MY OCTAGON.

Yes, everyone is probably someone else’s ex. But I have this uncanny ability to find them RIGHT AFTER they become an ex. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or why this happens to me. I’m not angry with everyone though. I recently ended something with this guy I was seeing who wasn’t ready for a relationship either, and he is probably the only person I actually want to stay friends with. Usually when you date someone and it doesn’t work out, you’re like, “K bye” but I get where he’s coming from.

THAT BEING SAID. DO NOT. TALK. TO ME. IF YOU. JUST GOT OUT. OF A SERIOUS. RELATIONSHIP.

Not sure if your relationship was serious? Here are some clues:

— Every other night you collapse in a ball in the corner of your shower and sob.

— You constantly check your ex’s Facebook and are possibly signed in as them because you know their password.

— When you’re on a date, you sigh a lot and stare into the distance.

— You dated a.) for a long time or b.) in a short amount of time but it was so intense that you call your ex “She who shall not be named.”

— You can’t stop talking about your ex. Even when you know you should stop.

I’M GLAD WE ESTABLISHED THIS. If you’re not ready, don’t pretend that you are. Don’t convince yourself into thinking that you’re ready. Don’t date for a while. It’s a bad idea. If you need physical contact, get it from an ex that you are on good terms with and didn’t get your heart broken over. Do not tell me that you “just want to have fun” because I know what that means and I am not going to be your sexual release because your ex wasn’t ready to move it to the next level, or whatever the hell happened that lead to your break-up. If you want to be my friend, then that’s awesome, because I am a good friend. But don’t even HUG me (and I don’t mean one of those, hi it’s me your friend hugs, I mean those let me hug you at your waist for a few seconds hug) if you’re not ready to fully, 100%, date. I have to protect myself.

And if you kiss me, don’t suck at it. If I feel your tongue before your lips, then you suck at it. If I feel more of your tongue than your lips, then you are bad at it. If you pet my hair while you’re kissing me, then you are just fucking weird and should not do that.

Thank you.

Hold It Against Me — Britney fucking Spears

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Monogamy Is Such A Lonely Word.

Jan

2011

I’m sorry I’ve been updating so infrequently. I’ve had some sad sandwich in my life. Sad sandwich is my new way of saying, “There are so many shitty things going on in my life right now that I don’t want to talk about” because I think that sounds better. Feel free to use it. Confuse everyone!

I’ve said this before, so I’ll say it again, because it’s my fucking blog: I want a wedding but I don’t want a marriage. At least not the way my country (or is it culture?) defines marriage. The problem with marriage is the whole, “‘Till death to us part” thing. Name one thing in your life that you are confident you will love from this point until you die. For the longest time I thought I loved cheeseburgers, then I briefly went vegan. Now I’m back to eating meat and loving it, but I am still surprised that there was a period in my life in which I detested it. However, I think there is one exception. I think that people can have lifelong friends, and here’s why: you don’t have sex with your friends (or you have sex with your friends like once or twice and only because you’re both hung up on other people). Once you bring sex into it, everything changes. “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.” Me too, Mugatu. Me too. That’s what sex does.

I hate people who break up and say that they’ll always love the person they broke up with. Oh, okay. I guess love is not all you need. You think I’m naive for saying, “If you love each other, why isn’t that enough”? Well I think you’re naive for saying marriage vows and believing in them. I think the best way to ruin a relationship is by marrying someone. And now you’re going to tell me, “You’re wrong, I’m married and I’m happy and I cry rainbows and blah blah blah.” Okay, fine. I’m sure that’s true. But what about ten years from now? Twenty? You know those earnest wedding toasts where the young groom tells his young bride how excited he is to spend the rest of his life with her? Yeah, I don’t think he realizes what the rest of their lives could entail.

Here’s how I think marriage should work: it should be like leasing a car. You’re with a person for a set amount of time, maybe a year or four. Then after that period of time you decide whether or not you want to extend the marriage. And if you do, you sign a type if marriage lease. I think that this would help eliminate divorce. Marriage is a contract anyway, so why not make it something you can decide to renew or cancel?

What is so crazy about that? There’s a dude who married a video game character and yet God forbid gay people get married. It’s because marriage is a completely fucked institution.

Look, here’s the thing: I am not saying I will never get married. I’m young and I have no idea what my life is going to be like. I can’t even picture what next week looks like. But if I marry someone, I want to make damn sure that it’s for the right reasons and that I am aware of all the things they do that annoy me and that I can handle it for 10+ years before I sign up. And fuck I want the dress, I want the party, I want the photos, I want the ring. I’m thinking about buying my own engagement ring. Yes, I know that’s sad. I don’t care. Kanye probably has diamond fucking Adidas, I should be allowed to wear my own diamond engagement ring without being pitied.

Or what I will do, when I really find the right person, is to have a non-wedding wedding. We’ll have the party, the dress, the photos but we won’t sign a certificate. We’ll call it an “Us” party or an anniversary party. We celebrate our own birthdays, so why not celebrate our own relationships? Unless you’re an asshole. If you’re an asshole and you’re inviting me to your “look-h0w-happy-I-am” couples party, go fuck yourself.

I don’t know. I just think it’s all so fucking serious. Monogamy doesn’t have to be serious. It should be fun, it should be wonderful, it should elate you, it should be goddamn fucking Disneyland, and if it’s not, I am peacing the fuck out.

Us (Me and Mrs. Officer) — My Sick Uncle (Lil Wayne/Regina Spektor mashup)

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Yeah, Fuck It. Seriously.

Oct

2010

Fuck you, guitar man. Fuck you for looking beautiful as you got on stage with your guitar. Sure, you were dressed like a bartender and before you got on stage I thought you worked here, but now it’s all different. Fuck you for singing and playing the guitar so well. I don’t even know if you’re playing it well or if your general attractiveness is just translating through everything, but fuck you anyway.

Fuck you for looking like a more grown-up version of my ex, who I hope has been attacked by bears and after the bears attacked him they left him for vultures and the vultures did what they could and then a shark joined in, it actually got up out of the ocean and hobbled over, and then the bears came back because they decided they weren’t done (you know how bears are). Fuck you for looking like him and doing a really great cover of a great classic rock song mixed with another great classic new wave song. Bitch.

Fuck you for that glimpse of wedding ring that I didn’t catch until your very last song. Fuck you for being married. Fuck everyone for being married.

Fuck everyone who has ever let me down. You will never make your way back. You’re on my list. There is no getting off of this list. All of the pizza parties in the world will never get you off of this list. Oh, you don’t care? You don’t care that you’re on this list, guitar man? Too bad. Because I am an amazing friend. Once you’re my friend I will remain loyal to you with a ferociousness that is both admirable and a little scary. I am generally a good person. I am kind, generous with money, will show up to your Facebook events, and I fuck like a champion. So fuck you, guitar man. Fuck all of the guitar men of the world. And fuck you, Prince. I don’t even have a reason, but fuck you.

How Dark Is Your Dark Side — His Name Is Alive

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Single Ladies.

Sep

2010

So if you’re mad, get mad. — The Pretenders

We need to have a conversation. Here’s why. I just turned on Oprah and she’s interviewing Jenny McCarthy about her break-up with Jim Carrey. I don’t have anything against either of them, but are you fucking kidding me? This is your last year of your show and you’re interviewing a C/B-list celebrity about her break-up to some dude who tweeted about it some seven months ago? Are you fucking kidding me, Oprah? I’m not going to use the J-word (journalism) but how is this worth 5 minutes of airtime, let alone almost an entire hour? I just broke up with some dude, where’s my fucking interview? Is someone going to have me on their show so I can complain about how I thought we were “going to go the distance” (because unless you use that cliche you’re not sincere) and how I’ve learned so much about myself and can I make rousing statements like, “LADIES, MAKE YOUR OWN MONEY!” and have an audience cheer for me? Why don’t I get to dispense this pithy Skinny Bitch/”Single Ladies” babble to millions of women? And how did Jenny McCarthy make a career out of this? Oh right, she became Oprah’s friend. If you do that, you’re set for life.

Speaking of “Single Ladies”: no. No more of this song. It was a great song, a great video (“One of the best of all time. OF ALL TIME.“) but when Liza Minelli is limping her way through it in a sequel to an HBO movie it needs to stop. First of all, I am a single lady, but I do not want anyone to put a fucking ring on it. I am in no way ready or willing to get married to anyone, and the idea that all women are dating just so they can wind up with a ring on their finger is fucking insulting. Believe it or not we have other shit we would like to achieve in life. Secondly, I can buy my own fucking rings. Thirdly, if you liked it, you should have treated me with fucking respect. A ring has nothing to do with it. And I know that when Beyonce sings, “Put a ring on it” she’s referring to her hand and not to herself, but there’s only so many times I can hear this song and not associate the word “it” with something else. And what really pisses me off is that I really liked this stupid song! Remember “Crazy In Love”? That was a great fucking song! Beyonce has some great hits! But then it just kind of mushroomed into something else. It turned into something that “I’m-not-a-regular-mom-I’m-a-cool-mom”s claimed as their anthem, as they danced to it at weddings. To quote the great Christian Bale, “It’s fucking distracting.” It’s like the time I went to a Lady Gaga concert that was promptly ruined by the painfully “hip” mom dancing in front of my fucking face and blocking my fucking view for the entire fucking concert. Pull up your goddamn low rise jeans, sit down, and stop embarrassing your preteen daughter. I don’t need to see this. You can enjoy pithy pop songs as much as the rest of us, but you can’t relish it. I’m sorry. It just comes off as sad. Which is why when I see Jenny McCarthy babbling about how okay she is being single as she warms up Oprah’s audience by doing the whole “Single Ladies” dance routine I feel like I’m watching Michael Scott do something awkward on “The Office.” Stop. Please stop.

And Oprah, you need to put an end to this. All of this. “We’ve never broken up,” Oprah randomly announced, about her relationship with Steadman. Oprah, I cannot think of a single fucking person who actually gives a fuck about your boring fucking relationship. I also can’t think of a single person who actually buys that you are in a relationship with Steadman. And you keep talking about how you like to keep your personal life private, so why the hell do you keep bringing it up? If you’re going to let your guests make total fools of themselves by babbling about their break-ups like they’re having lunch with their girlfriends, then at least pull it together and stay out of it. Tom Cruise made a total jackass of himself on your show when he was in love, and you kept your mouth shut. Don’t try to do the girl talk. Maybe try to have topics that aren’t completely inane.

I’m still going to watch the rest of this episode though.

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