Category Archives: roman polanski

Facebook sucks.

Carlo Bavagnoli barbarella jane fonda

Facebook. Facebook sucks. Facebook is designed to fuck you over. Facebook is not your friend. Please read my embarrassing story of Facebook horror as a warning. Do not let this happen to you. Consider this your friendly cautionary tale.

I was seeing this guy. He mentioned early on that he had an ex wife and I was like, “Fine with me, I’m not looking to turn this into anything where that means something.” I didn’t say that out loud though. I’M JUST BEING BREEZY.

Then I killed the breeziness.

On one fateful night, I’m looking at his Facebook profile, like you do, and I saw a photo of him with his ex. He mentioned that they were on friendly terms so I thought, oh, I wonder what she looks like and if we have any friends in common.

So then I started looking at her Facebook profile. Just out of curiosity. It’s not like I was doing anything weird, I was just scrolling and clicking and thinking, “Hmm, nice hair” and just being breezy.

And then I saw something horrifying. Something awful. Something that you never, ever want to see on the Facebook profile of someone whose Facebook profile you don’t want anyone to know you’re looking at.

“Friend request sent.”

Yes. Somehow, without realizing it and without doing it on purpose, I clicked “add friend.”

This was my exact facial expression:

mia farrow horror rosemary's baby

This is a still from the scene in “Rosemary’s Baby” where Rosemary sees her baby for the first time and realizes that it isn’t a human baby, but actually the devil’s baby. Our reaction was exactly the same, down to the hand clasped over the mouth.

Then I screamed. My brother ran in the room and said, “What happened?” I said, “I accidentally added this dude’s ex wife on Facebook.” He said, “That’s not bad.” Then paused and said, “Nah…that’s pretty bad.”

I immediately clicked “unrequest” but I have no idea when I clicked “request” to begin with, so I don’t know if she already saw my request.

I have a theory on how this happened: I think I wanted to see what friends we had in common, and the “friends” box is right above the line that says “Do you know blahbah? If so, send blahblah a friend request” and I must have accidentally clicked “request friend” instead of clicking on friends. Fuck you, Facebook. That’s fucking evil. That’s horrible placement.

So I’m sitting there freaking out. Because now I look like what every 20 something woman of my generation looks like that we want to avoid at all costs: a crazy fucking digital stalker. There was nothing I could do. I could tell him before she told him, but what if she doesn’t see it or what if she saw it but doesn’t tell him? Then I’m volunteering my craziness.

Assuming she saw it, I ran through all of the scenarios.

She saw it.

She saw it, and didn’t care.

She saw it, cared, and clicked on my profile.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, and saw that we have her ex in common.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, and told her ex.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, told her ex, and he was horrified.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, told her ex, he was horrified, and they killed my family.

But who would do that, right? I’m safe, right? Right?? Right.

A few days later, the guy comes over. We’re just talking about his cat and then, without missing a beat, he says, “My ex wife told me that you added her and unadded her on Facebook.”

This was my exact facial expression:

shelley duvall the shining here's johnny

This is a still from “The Shining” when Jack Nicholson goes crazy and comes after Shelley Duvall with an ax.

This was my exact reaction before I immediately hid my face and did a sort of screechy/laughing/groaning thing while shouting, “Let me explain” and “Oh my God” in a failed attempt to be playful and cute and in an even BIGGER failed attempt to be breezy. I didn’t even TRY to be breezy. I’m just trying to imagine what I must seem to him like now. He must think I’m fucking insane. But it was an honest mistake on my part.

Please, everyone. Learn from my mistakes. Don’t do what I did, or didn’t do. Even though it’s HILARIOUS.

One thing though. I am not posting this piece of writing anywhere on my Facebook page, or my blog’s Facebook page, or on my Twitter. So if either of them see this, that means they willingly read my blog, and that’s all on them. Who’s crazy now, huh????? HUH?? BOOM! Not me. Not me at all. No way, dudes. Not me, I’m BREEEEZZZZYYYYY!

here's johnny


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In Defense Of Roman Polanski.

Hey buddy. Things aren’t looking so hot, are they?

Look, I get it, Chuck. This is a raw deal you’re being served. They may as well give you a platter of sashimi, that’s how raw this is. I mean you were expecting an award one minute and the next you’re in handcuffs. That has to be a little surprising and unexpected. Like when that young girl came to your place expecting to be photographed and instead wound up with you playing her like a pianist (great film btw, buddy. I mean I didn’t see it, but Adrien Brody looked really thin and unhappy, so I totally get what you were going for). You must have been like, “What the?????” like those freeze frames before the commercial breaks on “Charlie’s Angels.” So not rad.

And who was that girl anyway? I believe you, she did NOT look 13. You thought she was 18, Chuck, and 18 is legal. Still doesn’t really explain why you raped her, but hey, you thought you were raping a fully grown woman NOT a Bad News Bear. I get it, buddy. These young girls in Hollywood, with their hair and their lipstick, who can really say how old anyone is? Have you seen Lindsay Lohan’s younger sister? She looks like one of Demi Moore’s carpool buddies.

Where was her mom anyway? Who was her mom to send her daughter to a creepy little dude’s house? I don’t care how famous you are I sure as hell am not sending my starstruck daughter to your house. Not unless I am following her and I’m holding a dartgun. So as far as parenting goes, she was driving on the wrong side of the road, if you know what I mean, and no one can fault you for that.

HOWEVER…it’s kind of hard to get off of this whole rape thing. I know, I know, she wouldn’t say yes — what else could you do? I mean we’ve all been there where we just had to force quaaludes and champagne into someones’ mouth and say, “Get in the jacuzzi, I directed Rosemary’s Baby.” I mean I can’t even tell you how many times I have had to drug my dates. It sucks bro! Someone should do something about that. There’s got to be a solution for all of us.

You should get a better deal though, Chuck. I mean you directed The Tenant! And Frantic! And Macbeth! I mean these are classics!!!

In all seriousness though, I’m really sorry that your mom died in a concentration camp. That is awful. I cannot imagine the pain you had to go through. And then on top of that, your wife is slaughtered. Some days you probably thought to yourself, “Is this my life?” And you looked in the mirror, and you decided to focus on work, and you strove to be happy, and you made Jack Nicholson your best friend but then you fell apart. And the worst part is that when you fell apart, you took someone with you, someone who didn’t deserve it. I know that you must know what you did was wrong. But you’ve lived this insane life of limitless “Yes.” Everyone has said yes to you. But she didn’t. That’s the most important part in all of this. She didn’t say yes and she was a girl.

Sorry bro.

Time To Pretend — MGMT
Too Young — Phoenix
Watch That Man — David Bowie
Angela — Jarvis Cocker
Shine A Light — The Rolling Stones


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Beautiful Women With Ugly Men

What is with super beautiful women pairing up with super not beautiful men? Are they super talented? Super rich? Super man? Superman? Batman? Wait what’s going on you guys?

Oh right. Pretty women with ugly dudes. Now this gives me hope because I’ve been told I’m beautiful (by myself, looking in the mirror, this counts though I am pretty sure) so maybe I haven’t found a guy yet because the guys I’m going after aren’t ugly enough. (Of course these guys are also massively talented. And famous. Maybe that’s they key.) Observe:

Jane Birkin with Serge Gainsbourg

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Serge, but even Jane is looking like, “Damn am I really letting this dude touch me?” He also banged Bardot for a while! Now Serge Gainsbourg has a sexy voice and is a brilliant writer but dude’s got a face like the Aggrocrag from Nickelodeon’s “Guts”! What!! I’m just saying!!!

Kate Moss with Pete Doherty

Pete Doherty looks like an overgrown baby (with a cocaine addiction). Yeah, his music is…OK. I mean no one’s going to say, “Babyshambles is the greatest band ever!!” and if they are then take another look, because you’re probably talking to Pete Doherty. This woman went from Johnny Depp to this dude. I don’t think I need to say any more.

Sharon Tate with Roman Polanski

Polanski actually looks kind of cute here. But let’s be real: dude is short and straight-up odd-looking. Even before he got all rapey he was a little unsettling. I would be too if I went to a concentration camp when I was a kid and lost my mom there. Whoa, that’s kind of going off topic. Holy shit now all I want to do is hug Roman Polanski and tell him that it’s going to be ok. What is wrong with me?? Damn you Sharon Tate, you’re so goddamn endearing that I can’t help but fall in love with him too. Plus people tell me I kind of look like you. Not that that has to do with anything at all, I just like to brag.

Britt Ekland with Peter Sellers

I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a stretch to call Peter Sellers “ugly”. He’s a little paunchy with a lot of chest hair and a distinguished nose, but I find him sexy too. However she’s BRITT EKLAND. Brit Ekland! BRITT EKLAND.

Audrey Hepburn with Mel Ferrer

Hey Audrey, sup? You’re just chilling with the Ghost of Christmas Future? Awesome. How’s the–WHOA, WAIT, THAT’S YOUR HUSBAND? BACK THE FUCK UP. Audrey did you know that pretty much every man in the world has a crush on you? Even today? Like everytime I hung out with this sexy sexy man he would go on and on about how hot you were? Ok so he turned out to be bisexual but I think my point still holds? You’re Audrey Hepburn. This is really the man for you? William Holden threw himself at you but you turned him down for this dude? Because Holden couldn’t have children? You just buy them at the children store! Come on now! That’s what all of the hot celebrities do! Look maybe I could be a little more sympathetic if Ferrer didn’t turn out to be an angry control freak with fidelity issues. Man. Audrey Hepburn. Man.

Mischa Barton with Cisco Adler

They broke up in 2007 I think (haha “I think” like I don’t know this for sure, like my life isn’t sad enough to know that they broke up in February of 2007) and I say thank God. Cisco Adler, much like Jack White, looks like the kind of guy who would steal your car. And did you see those naked photos of him that were making their rounds on the internet? I’m not going to post them here because I don’t feel like gagging for the next 45 minutes but feel free to look them up. I don’t get it Mischa! You had it all. A hit show, a thin bod, a cool name…and this is what you chose. You saw this, deemed it fuckable, and fucked it. So glad you moved on, girl.

So ladies, if you’re hot and you haven’t been having luck, maybe you should hit up an ugly dude. Just make sure that he’s rich or about to become super famous!


If Looks Could Kill — Camera Obscura


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