Category Archives: sex

Which guy are you?

Sep

2012

I’ve dated a lot of gentlemen and scoundrels, and I’ve come up with a list of strangely specific types of guys that surprisingly apply to everyone. Or almost everyone. Here are some of the guys I’ve dated. Ladies, can you relate? And sirs, read this and ask yourself: which guy am I? And yes, some guys can be a combination of these.

The Classic Schmosby

Named after the character of Ted Mosby on “How I Met Your Mother” this is the guy who says, “I love you” on the first or second date. Most of the time, this is a stupid thing to do, because you’re draping a blanket weaved of awkward and creepy over your date. There are exceptions, yes. But do not think you are one of them.

The Sad Seinfeld

This is the guy who is a standup comedian/improv performer/comedy writer/all of those who thinks that this date is about making you laugh. At first, his observations seem witty and well placed, but a few hours later you realize you want to punch him right in the dick.

The Romney

This guy lies/exaggerates about everything, is unsure why you’re not honored by his presence, and despite having way more money than you will ever see, will go out of his way to make sure you split the bill or pay for all of it.

The Bro

This type of guy thinks he is still college, or maybe actually is (but a big university, not a liberal arts college). He made no plans for your evening aside from playing video games with his roommate. If you don’t want to do that, he’s totally up for making out in his car. But he has to move the car after an hour or he’ll get towed, because he didn’t want to pay for a parking space. Also his car smells like Doritos. But there are no Doritos in the car.

The L.A. Douche

Thinks he’s famous. Thinks he’s attractive. Thinks you need to know. Thinks you are going to have sex with him. Think he’ll be surprised.

The Guy Who Gives You Oral Sex Through Your Jeans

True story. What the fuck are you doing, guy? Is this really how you think it works? Or do you think you’re so good at it that denim stands no chance against your Jedi skills? I was so puzzled, I didn’t know what to do. It’s like suddenly, someone asked me to do calculus. Just, no idea. Not even sure where to begin.

Okay, your turn. Maybe I’ll make a part two.

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

What we don’t tell.

May

2012

Isn’t it weird when you get to know enough about someone that you could blackmail them for life? To me, this is how you define a successful relationship: you’ve been together long enough where you know every weird thing about the other person and could ruin them but you don’t.

Are you tempted to gossip after a break-up? About what he or she really liked? And odd things they did? Perhaps your ex liked to bite their finger nails and collect the clippings. It’s just a guess. If you have respect for that person then you never tell the really intimate stuff. And I never do. Tempting as it is. Because I am actually not a terrible person. Despite everything you may believe or may have heard, I care about people and I like to help my friends and certain episodes of “The Simpsons” make me cry.

And as much as I talk about my dating and relationship experiences, I would never reveal the private stuff. You know, sex. Dad and mom, if you’re still reading my blog these are the sort of explosions you’re going to run into. Prepare for shrapnel. Close the Internet. Continue reading →

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

RED FLAGS.

Nov

2011

See that guy back there? That’s a red flag.Those posters? Red flag. My friend Sara? Not a red flag.

Someone, I think it was a gentleman named Robin, wanted to know if I could write about spotting those elusive red flags that eventually destroy a relationship.

Some of these are obvious to everyone but you. Like maybe your new boyfriends eats live lizards and calls everyone “Mommy.” That’s a red flag. Sometimes you notice this behavior but you justify it. “Lizards have LOTS of protein you guys.” Suuuure.

Let’s talk about the subtle ones.

Is your new partner forthcoming with you? When you ask them about their job history or their family, do they suddenly get quiet and stare off into the distance and say, “Sometimes the lone star is the one that shines brightest.”? Or maybe they’ll say something like, “Yeah I did stuff and my family exists.” Both of those answers suck. You don’t need their work resume or their family tree, but something like, “I used to work in fashion and have a brother named Jeff and my parents are dead” is just fine.

Do they freak out if you ask to use their computer or phone? Some people don’t like other people to touch their things, fine. But do they try to hide these objects from you? When you’re out in public and their phone rings, do they give it a worried look and then when you ask them, “What’s wrong?” they say, “Oh nothing, it’s just my parents” and you’re like, “Your parents are dead” and they’re like, “Yeah, iPhones suck, right?” What is it that they don’t want you to see? If it’s their laptop it’s probably porn, and that’s okay. Just because someone looks at porn doesn’t mean that they don’t love you or don’t want to be with you. It’s nothing to freak out about, unless it gets to the point where it interferes with your daily routine lives.

They mention their ex constantly. If you ask them about their last relationship, you’re going to want to hear something like, “My last relationship was a year ago. Great guy, no bitterness, it just didn’t work out because of long distance/wanting different things/they got really ugly” or whatever. What you don’t want to hear is this story when you didn’t even ask. What you don’t want to hear is, “Hey, what do you want on your pizza?” and the response is, “My ex Rachel loved pepperoni so no pepperoni because Rachel would eat it all the time and I don’t like Rachel, I mean pepperoni.” If they mention their ex more than, say, 3 times in your first week of dating, they’re probably not ready to date.

They ask to borrow money/things and never pay them/give them back. People forget, that happens. But if you gently remind them and they say you’ll get it in __ amount of days and you don’t and they never bring it up again, that is not cool. Money ruins relationships of all kinds. Maybe you guys do a thing where one of you pays for drinks and then the next time the other one does, or whatever kind of casual thing, and that’s okay. That’s very different from, “Hey babe can I borrow three hundred dollars?” and then they disappear for a month and never bring it up again. That’s spooky. Often this starts out innocently enough with, “Can you buy this gum for me, is that cool?” but it can end with, “Baby I sold your Lexus, is that cool?” It is not cool, Charles. Not cool.

They only call you late at night to “hang out.” They don’t call you to hang out during the day, or invite you to public places, or to meet their friends. Unless they are a vampire, one of those “True Blood” vampires not the “Twilight” vampires, then this basically means that they want you for sex and nothing else. Nothing is going to come from this. I’m sure you heard stories about how, “My friend Chelsea’s friend Sarah started seeing this guy Zach and his brother Franco started seeing her and it was strictly a friends with benefits thing but now they’re married and living in Milan!” No. No. Sit down. Stop giving us hope that this will ever happen. This might happen if you start out as friends. Because at least there is something to build on. But the chances of this turning into something real, of this person actually caring about you when you’re not in their apartment at 3 Am, is about 3%.

I’m sure there are plenty more. What are your red flags?

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Teaser for Apocalandis Part Two.

Mar

2011

Here’s a little clip of what you’ll see in part 2 of Apocalypstick & Max Landis offer you advice.

We got a LOT of questions this time, so it’s going to take me longer to edit it. I may have to pull some Harry Potter shit and split it into two parts. I’ll try not to.

In the meantime, please enjoy this thoughtful and funny piece by Laurenne Sala. It has the wit and hilarity of a New Yorker cartoon. But with vaginae: Fruitcake

Feel free to use this post as a discussion of our videos, oral sex, vaginal odor, and vulva perfume. Please DO NOT use this post to talk about Charlie Sheen. This is a SHEEN-FREE ZONE. Yes, he’s so amusing and funny with his “tiger blood” and “winning” but he BEATS WOMEN and says HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT JEWS. Of all people who deserve attention, he is at the bottom of my list. So if you want to Sheenize, take that shit to Twitter, or better yet, NOWHERE.

Thank you! And yes, I did change my font, because Helvetica gives me such a heartboner.

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

To Do List.

Apr

2009

Today was my last day of filming in my “blink and you’ll miss it” feature film debut! But it was very fun. I play a bartender. I always want to be a bartender until I actually go to a bar and then I see how crowded it is and how I’m afraid of counting and I think, “Oh, right. This is why I’m not a bartender.”

Peter Dinklage is the star of the film. My favorite Peter Dinklage performances are his wedding planner in “The Baxter” and his “CALL ME ELF ONE MORE TIME” guy in “Elf”.

Can I say something about Peter Dinklage?

He’s sexy.

No, really.

He’s got a deep sexy voice, a cross between Don Draper and Mufasa. He’s got charisma. He walks around and he stares at you with that classic angry Peter Dinklage stare and you’re frightened that he’s going to kick you but you’re oddly turned on. We were shooting in a restaurant/bar and between takes he wandered over to a piano in the corner and with one hand played the theme from “Jaws”. He’ll keep you on your toes, that Peter Dinklage.

So this brings me to my Celebrity To Do List. Everyone has their list of top 5 celebrities they would get down with, if given the chance. But everyone’s list are always so predictable that I feel silly for sharing mine. The celebrities I want to do are either really old or really dead. But there must be people out there who have similar lists. So I’m going to give you mine. My real one. Not my “1. James Franco 2. James Franco 3. Adrien Brody 4. James Franco 5. James Franco” bullshit list.

5.) Michael Caine
To be honest I probably wouldn’t have sex with him today but I don’t think he’d have me. If I were to try it would probably go something like, “Hey Michael Caine, wanna put it in me?”

And he would say, “I beg your pardon?”

“You wanna do it?”

“Young lady, certainly not.”

“You sure?”

“Listen, I don’t know who you are but I don’t sleep with common prostitues such as yourself, though you have a lovely face. I suggest you spruce up and get a real job and don’t come sodding ’round these parts again.”

“OK, ALFRED.”

And I guess that would be it.

4.) Peter O’Toole

I once tried to write a song and here’s how it went:

“Oh Peter O
Peter O
Peter O’Toole.
Look what you’ve done to my heart!

Peter O
Peter O
Peter O’Toole.
I shoulda known from the start.

I (something something something
something something something) rule.
But I (something something something
something something) in love with Peter O’ Toole–

Oh Peter O
Peter O
Peter O’Toole.
Look what you’ve done to my heart!”

The “(something somethings)” were subsitutes for unwritten lyrics. I sang this song to a musician friend of mine and he said, “Ha…” and then gave me a look that said, “I think my friend is autistic?”

3.) James Dean.

OK BEFORE YOU COMMENT, I KNOW THIS IS A FILM STILL OF JAMES FRANCO AS JAMES DEAN, okay? DO NOT COMMENT “THAT’S JAMES FRANCO, NOT JAMES DEAN” BECAUSE I KNOW THAT. To be honest everything I find sexy about James Dean is probably only because of James Franco’s portrayl and really I would probably rather do James Franco as James Dean rather than James Dean.

2.) Roger Daltrey

Sometimes I’ll be going merrily along through life and I’ll suddenly think, “Why am I not having sex with Roger Daltrey right now?” And I’ll realize just how unfair life is. True story.

1.) David Bowie

I would have sex with Bowie today, tomorrow, 10 years from now, 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, basically right on the day he became legal and every day after. When I was younger I had a big thing for 80s Bowie, with the bleach blonde hair but today I’d rather have late 70s Bowie, but not when he was too strung out because he’d probably impale me with one of his shoulder blades or ribs. But oh what a lovely death.

Honorable mention goes to Don Draper
and YES I KNOW HE’S NOT A REAL PERSON, THANK YOU. I would fuck Don Draper. But I would have a relationship with Roger Sterling.

DAMN I LOVE ME SOME ROGER STERLING. SILVER FOX GODDAMN.

He’d treat me real nice and we’d go to a supper club or Sardi’s back when it was really hip and he’d always light my cigarettes and give me jewelery and say things like, “My God you’re so gorgeous I’m going blind” and he’d give my ass a cute little pat. One dude on Mad Men I would not have sex with is Pete. Pete would probably have a mental breakdown during and then choke back tears and try to spoon with me after and I’d light a cigarette in a long holder and say, “Be a dear and leave, won’t you sweetie?” And he’d say, “I just want to hold you” and I’d say. “Aw, that’s cute. But really hon, you gotta get the hell out.”

BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

BUY MY BOOK! Only $2.99. I'll love you forever.