Category Archives: sex

FUCK YOU, KOREA MAN.

This post was written last Friday around 10:30 PM.

bob dylanHave you felt that moment when you look up someone you had a crush on and they have a girlfriend and live in fucking KOREA I AM SO FUCKING LONELY? What the hell and why do I ruin everything? This was in college and I had my moment and I didn’t resist the shining adventure and we had sex in my bathroom while my friend was sleeping on the couch, it was a studio apartment, I’m not really sure what you want from me, and it was New York (!) and I was young and blonde, I mean, that’s just going to happen. He wanted me, I wanted him, and then, the way things happen in New York City when you’re on your own for the first time, he became a bisexual drug addict and left school.

AND, BECAUSE HE DELETED HIS FACEBOOK ACCOUNT, I NEVER HEARD OF HIM AGAIN. Until now. Until this sad moment, when I stuffed my face with meat and cheese and chocolate and then almost did Wii fit but stopped to look up this ASSHAT on Google and now I’m sitting here in a push-up bra and sweatpants BECAUSE THAT’S HOW I WORK OUT, FUCK YOU, and I discover that he still exists, has a girlfriend, and lives in Korea. This is the same boy who once adored me. The same boy who once came into class, excited, and said, “Last night was crazy. I slept in an arm chair man,” the same boy who couldn’t afford to buy a GAP shirt so instead he went the a thrift store across the street and bought a GAP shirt from there.

FUCK YOU, DUDE. FUCK YOU FOR MOVING ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND BEING HAPPY AND MOVING TO KOREA. Even though I only remembered your existence about 20 minutes ago. How could you do this to me? How could I let you do this to me? What is this? Why am I so sad and lonely and pathetic and undesirable to those I desire? DAMN IT. WHY DO YOU LIVE IN KOREA???

HERE’S A PICTURE OF MAYOR STUBBS, FUCK YOU.

cat mayor

AND FUCK THIS, I’M GOING TO A PARTY.

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Emo porn.

jarvis cocker camera

You know how it is, one moment you’re looking up videos of Jarvis Cocker on YouTube and the next, you’re watching 18 year old shaggy haired emo boys making out with each other in a skate park (Jesus Christ I hope they were at least 18). That’s just how life works.

I didn’t know that this genre existed up until recently, and all of a sudden, it was everywhere. There are countless YouTube videos of emo boys, who are straight, making out with each other to attract girls. And let me tell you, something…it works. I was so attracted. Some of these videos are clearly guys doing it to impress girls, but some of them seem like they’re not straight, that they’re actually in love, which is both hot and annoying at the same time. Like, fuck you, dude. I wish I were an emo boy and I had an emo boyfriend. I think I would be happier as a man. And as an emo dude, I could still wear eyeliner!

Some of these videos are compilations clearly made by 16 year olds. They’re a montage of boys kissing and photos of boys kissing, set to crappy emo music like Avenged Sevenfold or whatever. This is just in poor taste. How could you not use Blur’s “Girls And Boys”??? There isn’t even ONE video out there set to this song, and that’s just insane.

This discovery eventually lead to hardcore emo porn. By “hardcore” I mean that they’re actually having sex. And they’re porn actors, on a set. But what’s so interesting, is that they’re so committed to their characters. They have the hair, and the clothes (until they come off) and even the tattoos. They start out with ties and striped socks and tight pants and checkerboard vans. The attention to detail is beautiful. It makes you wonder: were they emo dudes who went into porn, or porn who went into emo dudes? Either way, I’m impressed.

What do you think?

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Posted in: sex

Which guy are you?

young beatles

I’ve dated a lot of gentlemen and scoundrels, and I’ve come up with a list of strangely specific types of guys that surprisingly apply to everyone. Or almost everyone. Here are some of the guys I’ve dated. Ladies, can you relate? And sirs, read this and ask yourself: which guy am I? And yes, some guys can be a combination of these.

 

The Classic Schmosby

Named after the character of Ted Mosby on “How I Met Your Mother” this is the guy who says, “I love you” on the first or second date. Most of the time, this is a stupid thing to do, because you’re draping a blanket weaved of awkward and creepy over your date. There are exceptions, yes. But do not think you are one of them.

 

The Sad Seinfeld

This is the guy who is a standup comedian/improv performer/comedy writer/all of those who thinks that this date is about making you laugh. At first, his observations seem witty and well placed, but a few hours later you realize you want to punch him right in the dick.

 

The Romney

This guy lies/exaggerates about everything, is unsure why you’re not honored by his presence, and despite having way more money than you will ever see, will go out of his way to make sure you split the bill or pay for all of it.

 

The Bro

This type of guy thinks he is still college, or maybe actually is (but a big university, not a liberal arts college). He made no plans for your evening aside from playing video games with his roommate. If you don’t want to do that, he’s totally up for making out in his car. But he has to move the car after an hour or he’ll get towed, because he didn’t want to pay for a parking space. Also his car smells like Doritos. But there are no Doritos in the car.

 

The L.A. Douche

Thinks he’s famous. Thinks he’s attractive. Thinks you need to know. Thinks you are going to have sex with him. Think he’ll be surprised.

 

The Guy Who Gives You Oral Sex Through Your Jeans

True story. What the fuck are you doing, guy? Is this really how you think it works? Or do you think you’re so good at it that denim stands no chance against your Jedi skills? I was so puzzled, I didn’t know what to do. It’s like suddenly, someone asked me to do calculus. Just, no idea. Not even sure where to begin.

 

Okay, your turn. Maybe I’ll make a part two.

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What we don’t tell.

elizabeth taylor james deanIsn’t it weird when you get to know enough about someone that you could blackmail them for life? To me, this is how you define a successful relationship: you’ve been together long enough where you know every weird thing about the other person and could ruin them but you don’t.

Are you tempted to gossip after a break-up? About what he or she really liked? And odd things they did? Perhaps your ex liked to bite their finger nails and collect the clippings. It’s just a guess. If you have respect for that person then you never tell the really intimate stuff. And I never do. Tempting as it is. Because I am actually not a terrible person. Despite everything you may believe or may have heard, I care about people and I like to help my friends and certain episodes of “The Simpsons” make me cry.

And as much as I talk about my dating and relationship experiences, I would never reveal the private stuff. You know, sex. Dad and mom, if you’re still reading my blog these are the sort of explosions you’re going to run into. Prepare for shrapnel. Close the Internet.  Continue reading

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RED FLAGS.


See that guy back there? That’s a red flag.Those posters? Red flag. My friend Sara? Not a red flag.

Someone, I think it was a gentleman named Robin, wanted to know if I could write about spotting those elusive red flags that eventually destroy a relationship.

Some of these are obvious to everyone but you. Like maybe your new boyfriends eats live lizards and calls everyone “Mommy.” That’s a red flag. Sometimes you notice this behavior but you justify it. “Lizards have LOTS of protein you guys.” Suuuure.

Let’s talk about the subtle ones.

Is your new partner forthcoming with you? When you ask them about their job history or their family, do they suddenly get quiet and stare off into the distance and say, “Sometimes the lone star is the one that shines brightest.”? Or maybe they’ll say something like, “Yeah I did stuff and my family exists.” Both of those answers suck. You don’t need their work resume or their family tree, but something like, “I used to work in fashion and have a brother named Jeff and my parents are dead” is just fine.

Do they freak out if you ask to use their computer or phone? Some people don’t like other people to touch their things, fine. But do they try to hide these objects from you? When you’re out in public and their phone rings, do they give it a worried look and then when you ask them, “What’s wrong?” they say, “Oh nothing, it’s just my parents” and you’re like, “Your parents are dead” and they’re like, “Yeah, iPhones suck, right?” What is it that they don’t want you to see? If it’s their laptop it’s probably porn, and that’s okay. Just because someone looks at porn doesn’t mean that they don’t love you or don’t want to be with you. It’s nothing to freak out about, unless it gets to the point where it interferes with your daily routine lives.

They mention their ex constantly. If you ask them about their last relationship, you’re going to want to hear something like, “My last relationship was a year ago. Great guy, no bitterness, it just didn’t work out because of long distance/wanting different things/they got really ugly” or whatever. What you don’t want to hear is this story when you didn’t even ask. What you don’t want to hear is, “Hey, what do you want on your pizza?” and the response is, “My ex Rachel loved pepperoni so no pepperoni because Rachel would eat it all the time and I don’t like Rachel, I mean pepperoni.” If they mention their ex more than, say, 3 times in your first week of dating, they’re probably not ready to date.

They ask to borrow money/things and never pay them/give them back. People forget, that happens. But if you gently remind them and they say you’ll get it in __ amount of days and you don’t and they never bring it up again, that is not cool. Money ruins relationships of all kinds. Maybe you guys do a thing where one of you pays for drinks and then the next time the other one does, or whatever kind of casual thing, and that’s okay. That’s very different from, “Hey babe can I borrow three hundred dollars?” and then they disappear for a month and never bring it up again. That’s spooky. Often this starts out innocently enough with, “Can you buy this gum for me, is that cool?” but it can end with, “Baby I sold your Lexus, is that cool?” It is not cool, Charles. Not cool.

They only call you late at night to “hang out.” They don’t call you to hang out during the day, or invite you to public places, or to meet their friends. Unless they are a vampire, one of those “True Blood” vampires not the “Twilight” vampires, then this basically means that they want you for sex and nothing else. Nothing is going to come from this. I’m sure you heard stories about how, “My friend Chelsea’s friend Sarah started seeing this guy Zach and his brother Franco started seeing her and it was strictly a friends with benefits thing but now they’re married and living in Milan!” No. No. Sit down. Stop giving us hope that this will ever happen. This might happen if you start out as friends. Because at least there is something to build on. But the chances of this turning into something real, of this person actually caring about you when you’re not in their apartment at 3 Am, is about 3%.

I’m sure there are plenty more. What are your red flags?

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Apocalypstick & Max Landis Advice Video 2.

 

 

 

 

Our second relationship/dating/whatever advice video is here! Thank you for your questions! We got a lot and unfortunately could not fit all of them in without the video being 22 minutes.

I’m going to make this a regular Apocalypstick web series. I’m thinking either twice a month or once a month, I will sit down with a guy friend of mine and we will answer any questions. The next show was supposed to be with my brother as my guest BUT HE’S SOOOO BUSY AT THIS NEW JOB (no, really, he is, congrats Dylan!) but that’s okay because Louis Virtel is going to sit in with me. Jesus take the wheel. TO FUN! Louis is a popular blogger who writes hilarious American Idol recaps on Movieline and he is responsible for my favorite tweet of all time: “Hate girls who say, ‘Disney gave me high hopes for romance.’ Fuck you. Jafar gave me high hopes about being an emaciated gay sorcerer.”

We’ll have that up in early April. Any questions we didn’t answer we will carry over, and of course continue to submit them here to my formspring.

Thanks everyone!

Blue Cantrell — Hit Em Up Style

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Teaser for Apocalandis Part Two.

Here’s a little clip of what you’ll see in part 2 of Apocalypstick & Max Landis offer you advice.

We got a LOT of questions this time, so it’s going to take me longer to edit it. I may have to pull some Harry Potter shit and split it into two parts. I’ll try not to.

In the meantime, please enjoy this thoughtful and funny piece by Laurenne Sala. It has the wit and hilarity of a New Yorker cartoon. But with vaginae: Fruitcake

Feel free to use this post as a discussion of our videos, oral sex, vaginal odor, and vulva perfume. Please DO NOT use this post to talk about Charlie Sheen. This is a SHEEN-FREE ZONE. Yes, he’s so amusing and funny with his “tiger blood” and “winning” but he BEATS WOMEN and says HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT JEWS. Of all people who deserve attention, he is at the bottom of my list. So if you want to Sheenize, take that shit to Twitter, or better yet, NOWHERE.

Thank you! And yes, I did change my font, because Helvetica gives me such a heartboner.

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