Category Archives: Simpsons

I Speak Simpsons

Simpsons pictures that I gone and done

The Simpsons just began its 25th season and I haven’t seen a new episode in about 10 years. But I still speak the language.

People have written hundreds of essays about Simpsons quotes and quoting The Simpsons in everyday life. Quotes beyond your typical “D’oh!” and “Exccccellent” and “Eat my shorts!” (Although I don’t know anyone who still says that last one.)

Then there are longer quotes that seem misplaced, but make sense in the right context. For example, if it’s a bad day outside or something isn’t going your way, you could say, “Lousy Smarch weather.” Or if it is a beautiful day and things are going your way, you could say, “Everything’s coming up Milhouse!”

coming-up-milhouse

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Invisible Typewriter.

‘Tis the season of breaking up, it seems. A couple of my friends just broke up with their dudes while others contemplate breaking up. These are trying times. (For the record, I am NOT breaking up, so there is nothing to read into here! Face value only. Fun fact: I originally typed “face value” as “face failure.” I say we coin “face failure” as a new saying. Any ideas of what it could mean?)

If you’re currently going through a break-up, I offer my condolences and the following that may or may not help you. I’m not going to say, “Everything’s going to be okay” because you’ve probably heard that phrase a lot lately and it may not mean anything to you anymore.

First, I think you’re going to need to say “yes” a lot. Your friends want to take you out for a comforting drink? Say yes. You got invited to a party? Say yes. You got an offer to work on a project? Yes. That dude you used to hang out with asked you out? Say yes! You need to be as busy as possible right now. You need other things to focus on aside from your own misery. Unless you can turn your misery into something productive like “500 Days of Summer” or any Smiths song.

Now about that date. Some dude (or lady) might call you up and ask you if you want to go for a drink. Unless this person is an awful, awful person you have nothing to lose by going out. You don’t have to fall in love with this person or promise them anything. However if they’ve been in love with you since second grade, now might not be the time to go on this date and break their heart. But have a little fun. Remember flirting? Try doing that again. Be flirted with. Fun fact: asking a girl if you can take a picture of her boobs for your “art book” is NOT flirting. Don’t do that!!

Now, you’re getting out there, going out, seeing that band, going to that play, getting drinks, writing, selling coffee, whatever the kids are doing. Usually around this point, the point where you’re finally ready to face the world by yourself, acknowledging how much that sucks but no longer crying over it, this is the moment where the ex comes back into the picture. It’s like they have radar for knowing the exact moment when you’ve forgotten about them, or at least started to get over them, when they barge right in, like the Kimmy Gibbler of your full house.

It’s going to be very, very tempting to accept their offer for “coffee” or “hanging out” or whatever seemingly innocent activity they offer you. Here’s what you need to do, when they call you and tell you about their lives and how great they are, and how you guys should meet up: smile and nod. Not literally, because you’re on a telephone, and they can’t see you unless you’re on a videophone like Beyonce raves about. You need to figuratively smile and nod. Play it cool. It’s like when Homer called the police about an alien sighting and Chief Wiggum answered:

HOMER: The alien has a sweet heavenly voice. Like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night. Like Urkel.

WIGGUM: Wow, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So I’ll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

That’s what you need to do. You need to take his information in, and type it up on your invisible typewriter. Who cares if you still love him? Who cares if he still loves you? He’s got to fight for your love. Nod and smile.

Remember that your ex is like that Into The Wild kid. He wants to go into the wilderness, but he left without a map, and he’ll probably starve to death. If he wants to figure shit out, he can buy a map. He’s probably in a place right now where even if you gave him a map, he wouldn’t use it.

Note: not all relationships are like this, of course. I’m not suggesting that the man is always at fault. Maybe you screwed up epically and there is nothing you can do to fix it. In which case, now you know better, so you can do better.

Waiting For Bulletproof At First Sight (Deep /Blk vs Marc Johnce Mashup) — La Roux + Kylie Minogue + Gwen Stefani

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How To Appear Popular.

Rename all of the contacts in your phone with celebrity names. Then leave your phone lying out for someone to find. Chuckle when you say, “Kiki Dunst just loves texting.”

Write inside jokes on your friends’ walls. It doesn’t matter if they’re actually in on the joke. I find Simpsons quotes work well. Just pick a friend’s facebook page and write on it, “I call the big one bitey.” Everyone will read this exchange and think that you and your friend really have something special going. Note: you can do this with someone who isn’t really your friend but you want people to think you’re friends. And voila: instant private joke.

Get as many twitter followers as you can, even if they’re spam robots. If you can’t get lots of followers on twitter then don’t even get a twitter. Tell people, “Once I hit over a thousand followers it just got too difficult to deal with.” Then give a half smile that says something like, “You know how it is” and take a sip of your mocha latte.

When you arrive somewhere crowded alone pretend that you’re waving to your friend across the room. Smile, wave, and shout something like, “Are you going to David’s later?” Then laugh and clap and shake your head like, “Oh, that guy.” Then get to the bar and start drinking.

Write everything that you’re going to do in your planner but spin it. For example, going to Starbucks becomes coffee date or morning meeting. It’s important to fill your planner on the off chance that someone sees it. You’re going to want to appear busy. Write names under these plans. Find out the name of your favorite barista and put his/her name under “meeting, 10:30.” You’ll know what it really means but other people won’t. Patrick Bateman did something like this when he told Detective Kimball that he had a meeting at The Four Seasons with Cliff Huxtable. It’s just what people do.

Photograph everything you do and then put it on Facebook and then tag everyone and yourself. People will think, “Marcy sure does have a lot of friends and exciting things that she’s doing.” Maybe don’t photograph everything but just the events in which you’re dressed nicely and out with others. Don’t photograph yourself with your cat and then tag your cat. Everyone knows that cats don’t have Facebook profiles. Cats still use MySpace.

If you do all of these things then you will either be the most popular kid in town or the least. Ow, my eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!

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