Category Archives: this is sad

Will & Kate & Apocalypstick

You guys. YOU GUYS. I cannot get over this Will & Kate thing, I really can’t. I am like, mourning their wedding. I want it to happen again. It should be a series. Each episode they have a different wedding and at each one Elton John sings a different version of “Candle In The Wind.” I love it all. Except Pippa, I don’t really get Pippa. Is she going to be a thing now? Can we not? She’s not as plain as Kate but not in a cute way, so what am I supposed to do with her? Kate’s plainness is her appeal. Pippa’s is her downfall. Who am I talking to?

I said in the past that I want to marry a prince, but really what I want is attention and security and money and a pretty dress and a big wedding and a catch of a husband BUT THERE’S NO POINT BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAD THE BEST WEDDING EVER SO I’M JUST GOING TO GIVE UP. They WON at weddings. Minus ten points for The King’s Speech rendition of Kate’s Jolie brother-like brother’s reading but he was probably super nervous. I know I would be. Just kidding, I would be so drunk it would be awesome. I’d be like, “lol Posh Spice why are you here?” And I would actually say “L-O-L” instead of laughing, because I Am Internet.

What is wrong with me? Why am I so fascinated with someone else’s wedding? WHY AM I EXCITED FOR THEIR FUTURE TOGETHER? WHY DO I WANT TO RELIEVE THEIR SPECIAL DAY? At least I have that Lifetime movie about them. Or I did, until I moved. You can’t take your DVR records with you. My life is really hard, guys. I panicked when I thought I didn’t get OWN here. Turns out, it is here. But it’s just not enough.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I totally royally bonkers?


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It’s Not TV.

You may have noticed that I haven’t posted about myself in a while. I’ve mentioned that a lot has happened in my life recently. I’m not going to get into all of it, but I’ll tell you this. I am going to move out with another single gal and we’re going to live together in a cute little house here in LA!

The other single gal is my mom.

Yes. I never, ever saw this coming. My mom and I are two single roomies. My friends say it sounds like a network sitcom but I think it’s more like a Showtime dramedy. Who would play me? You know that teen from Californiation, the one Duchovny effed? “Mia”? My mom thinks we look alike. She could play me. Shannen Doherty is too old now to play me now. I’d like Kat Dennings but she just got a show. So did the girl who played Janis Ian in Mean Girls and the indie girl in Cloverfield. When I was younger and blonder, right around when Lost In Translation came out, people told me I looked a lot like “that girl from that Bill Murray movie.” But then I guess I got uglier. Or maybe she just changed a lot. No one looks like me. I look like no one. This is a good thing but I don’t want to play myself in this show. I don’t even want to play it in real life. However I will take any offers and/or suggestions.

Suzanne Somers would be a great person to play my mom except she’s a little too old. Lauren Graham would be good, as we already have that Gilmore Girls vibe going, but that seems overdone with her now. I kind of want Lisa Kudrow, she would be good. She doesn’t look like my mom though. Ali MacGraw does, but my mom thinks that’s an insult (I have no idea WHY, MacGraw is stunning but O OK mom), and now MacGraw is too old anyway. If we’re going to do the sitcom route, it could be Jessica Simpson. That would be hilariawesome. But OK, sticking with the Showtime pitch that I do not have, I should suggest someone more like…Angie Harmon. But blonde.

I already wrote a pilot based on my blog but I’m wondering if I should go in a different direction. This mother/daughter thing might be worth looking into. There’s Gilmore Girls and Golden Girls, but are there any other good mother/daughter shows? And wtf, what is with adding “girls” to everything? Spice Girls. None of those women were girls. Backstreet Boys, Beach Boys, New Kids On The Block — your problem was not thinking of your future and injecting your band name with an idea of eternal youth that doesn’t hold up. The Rolling Lads? Yeah, no. Although The Beatles are my favorite band ever, I think that The Beatles is the worst band name ever. At least they didn’t go with “The Shoes.” Lennon suggested that name because he said the name didn’t matter, they could be anything. OH WOW, SO DEEP.

I kind of get what he means though. You could cast anybody as me or my mom and you could turn my life into any kind of show, and it would be different, but it would still be the same at the core. It wouldn’t matter because it’s from the same place, the same us, the same truth.



Find It — The Carrie Nations (Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls)


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My Sim Life.

Meet my Sim boyfriend.

His name is Clifford (I didn’t name him). I think he’s totally dreamy in a Jean-Paul Belmondo sort of way. He was unemployed when I met him and now he has a job as a “fan”. Uh, OK. I moved into his house after our marriage because it was bigger than mine.

Let me explain. I think admitting to playing The Sims is kind of like admitting that you masturbate about six times a day. (I’ve said the same thing about American Idol, and I watch it, too.) But lately given that in “real life” I’m kind of unsure what the hell I’m doing, I choose Sim Life. It’s just so much easier.

Meet my Sim Self. Actually when I designed this sim, I didn’t do it with me in mind, but I realized that it kind of subconsciously turned into a virtual me. We look very similar. But she’s athletic, I’m not. Her favorite music is indie, her favorite food is Dim Sum, and her favorite color is black. That’s not too bad. “I” have a job as a con artist, and for some reason, this is my work uniform:
Yeah, a mesh crop top with torn jeans, that makes sense. But look at those abs! Look how thin I am in Sim form!

My relationship with Clifford is so easy. We always have fun, we never fight, and he always wants to make out.
Here we are busting a move. My Sim self, like my real self, loves to dance.
Just look at that face. Look at how lovingly he gazes into my eyes. The outfit is diabolical but my Sim boyfriend has no problem wearing whatever I want him to wear, so that’s not important right now.
Clifford is SUCH a skilled dancer and look how thin I am!
And here I am dancing with my best friend, Darlene Bunch. She old.
I asked Clifford to marry me. His response? Exxxxcccellent.

So our wedding day arrived. My dead ghost mother showed up:
And some guy passed out. You can see him behind the horrendous-print chair.

Here we are reciting our vows:
Because I’m a sim I had no problem getting married in a black top and tweed pants.
Easiest wedding ever.
The kiss. Um, I hope I don’t kiss like that in real life. My mouth is gaping.
After the wedding we immediately moved into Clifford’s house. Look at how cute my husband is!
Look at how goddamn swell our lives are.

Oh Clifford, do you exist as a real person? Do you wear burgundy blazers with white ties? Will you find me?


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