Category Archives: trying to be like audrey hepburn

10 Little Things We Can Do To Make Life Easier For Each Other

Loomis Dean

Louis C.K. has a bit he does where he says, “People don’t want to back off from their favorite thing. They won’t even do their second favorite thing.”

He describes someone screwing over entire lanes of traffic because the driver forgot to get in the left lane, so they cut over several lanes to make their turn before the light changes. “He just shoves his car through everybody’s life,” Louis snaps.

We have to stop doing things like this to each other. We’re all just going the best we can in life, and our best would be ten times more awesome if we tried to make the lives of people around us better, because as a result, our lives will be better. If everyone wants everyone else to be okay, then won’t we all be okay?

Here are 10 things we can do to make life easier for each other.

10. Have more patience while waiting in lines.
My local Vons supermarket is one of the worst places in the entire world. But I have to go there because I have to eat, and it’s close. Trader Joe’s is even more horrifying. So I go to Vons and I’m happy that I can afford food. Waiting in the lines at Vons is easily the worst part about the entire experience. There are never enough cash registers open. Sometimes the cashiers move at the speed of a kindergartener learning to tie their shoes. Sometimes the person in front of you has an avalanche of groceries and wants to pay in pennies. Whatever. That’s just life. Me sighing in annoyance isn’t going to make things go faster. I try not to do that because I hate when people do that to me. Like, oh, I’m so sorry I have to eat. Please forgive me for buying groceries at the grocery store. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking.

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Tips On Looking Your Best.

First of all, you NEVER want to look your best.

Why?

Because once people see you at your best, everything is downhill from there. You’ve set the bar too high. Every time you see them you won’t look as thin, pretty, handsome, healthy, whatever. You always want to look good but you want to give people a hint of just how amazing you really are. I’m not saying to give yourself a black eye before you go out. Just don’t go ape on the cosmetics and such.

Then you have to decide if you’re going to dress for yourself, for a man, or for your friends. People always tell you you should dress for yourself, but if I dressed for myself, I would go everywhere in pajamas. I’m not Lady Gaga; I can’t get away with wearing whatever the hell I want wherever I go. I like to dress for men, because men are easiest to please. Tight jeans, a white tank, heels, and unfussy hair usually suffice. Unless you’re dating some fucking hipster who prefers to see his women dressed in Tiger Lily headbands and knee highs or some bullshit. In which case I would think about dating someone new. I don’t care if you love him, he’s a douche and none of your friends like him. They still hit on him though, when you’re in the bathroom.

Always take the damn compliment. A few days ago I dyed my hair and fucked up. The top of it was lighter than the bottom. So when I was complimented on it, I was tempted to say so. But I stopped myself and said, “Thank you.” I felt much better. Then when a different person asked me, “Did you mean to make the top lighter than the bottom?” instead of saying, “Shut your goddamn mouth, Irish”, I said, “Yes, I was going for a Blondie/Debbie Harry look.” Then I smiled and told myself that I was still pretty. I could have aqua hair and I would still be fairly attractive. You are too; I’m sure of this. Only beautiful people read my blog. I’ve done studies. (By the way I got my hair fixed today but that’s not important right now.)

Stand up straight and walk with your abs engaged. The next time you’re in your car or sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons for tuppence a bag, watch how people cross the street. They’re hunched over like monkeys or Kirsten Dunst. If you walk with your shoulders back, people will think you’ve lost weight. Hand to God. Try it next time and report back here. And if you keep your abs engaged you’ll strengthen your core, which is what those people at Core Pilates in New York told me before I quit because I preferred sleeping and eating to, you know, actually doing stuff. But once you do this it will become second nature, and you’ll have excellent posture without even realizing it.

The most important thing about looking your best is to always speak nicely of people…to their face. Save the insults for the internet. That’s what it’s for.

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Say Something Nice.

In honor of my last post in which I decided to try to be less of a gossipy bitch and more like Audrey Hebpurn, I’m going to veer away from complaining. I’m posting a photo of Sharon Tate though because I’m a little Audrey’d out. And Tate was also said to be one of the kindest and sweetest people around.

~~ If someone is bragging about their job, let them. They probably worked really hard to get to where they are and you would be bragging too. If, however, they do this for longer than 10 minutes, kindly excuse yourself. DO NOT say, “Excuse me, but your bragging is giving me terrible diarrhea.” Instead say, “Excuse me, I’m going to get another drink. Can I get anybody anything?

~~ Usually they will decline your drink offer; if however, someone takes you up on it, just smile and nod. Then walk away and don’t get their drink. You’re not a butler.

~~ Wadsworth, however, is a butler. And it’s not his fault that his wife was a socialist. We all make mistakes!

~~ Everybody loves free food. If you ever feel like you’re going to go somewhere and you’re going to be terribly awkward, bring food. No one will notice how awkward you are!

~~ People love hearing their own name. It warms them up. Try it.

~~ However, don’t repeat their name more than once in a sentence. You’ll sound like Hannibal Lecter.

~~ Hannibal Lecter was really cool though. Smart, cultured guy.

~~ Really though, don’t creep anyone out.

~~ You can always find something nice to say about someone. Are they wearing a pleasant shirt? What about a festive necklace? Do they smell nice? Use these things to your advantage. Ex.:

“Mabel, I adore your necklace.”

~~ The great thing is that even if you don’t adore Mabel’s necklace, she’ll never know. I can’t think of a time when you will need to tell Mabel the truth about her necklace. Have you noticed that no one is really named Mabel? That must have been a popular name at some point.

~~ Apparently, Mabel means “lovable.” It is English in origin and is also spelled “Mable.”

~~ 1916 had the highest record of girls named Mabel. By 1934 it was less than half.

~~ Here’s my research: (http://www.babynameshub.com/baby-names-girls/Mabel.html)

~~ I’m really enjoying the song “New Mate” by the band Figurine.

~~ If I were to meet one of the members of the band Figurine, I would tell them this.

~~ And that is a nice thing to say.

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