I’m off to San Francisco for a week. I may update, I may not. Does anyone want to recommend any fantastic vintage stores in San Fran? Or anything else? Feel free to show off your cool knowledge of this city.

Yesterday my mom, dad, and my bro and his girlfriend (who came down for their spring break) went to Disneyland.

I know that going to Disneyland is not a unique experience. And no I have nothing awesome to add. I wish we had run into Mick Jagger so I could have said, “DADDY WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME. I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY DAD. ARE WE GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THE RAIN?”

But anyway, I always enjoy going. I have to say the hottie supply at Disneyland is not too great. Aladdin was probably the hottest dude there.

So we get to the main gates from the tram and we get in line to buy tickets. And wait. And wait. WE WAITED IN LINE FOR 45 MINUTES TO GET INTO DISNEYLAND.

By the time we got in the park we were damn pissed so we went to city hall to complain. “City Hall” in Main Street, that is. Not like the city hall of Anaheim. That would be dumb. Guess what they did? They gave us TWO passes that were good for up to 6 people to go to the front OF ANY RIDE. IT WAS FUCKING SWEET. GOLDEN MOTHERFUCKING TICKET.

We went on It’s A Small World because they added Disney characters into the ride. Like Woody and his cowboy girlfriend (at left). BTW I took these photos on my iphone. They turned out damn good, I wish I had taken more photos.

My favorite part was eating my way through Disneyland. Did you know that Adventureland sells bacon wrapped asparagus? I didn’t buy any because I had just demolished clam chowder in a bread bowl. DEMOLISHED IT WITH MY MOUTH. I ate most of the bowl too. Later that day I consumed fries, a mickey mouse pretzel with some gross cheese dip, and a root bear float. The reciept said “ROOTBEAR FLOAT”. Oh you guys.

1. The light purple teacup spins the fastest.
2. Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride smells like a library.
3. The Fantasyland bathroom always smells like used diapers.
4. If you’re 5’2” and you sit in the front of the log on splash mountain and your dad is sitting in the back, you’re going to get fucking soaked and it’s going to suck.
5. If you ask really nicely for the cast member not to take your fastpass, they won’t (note: this only works if you’re a girl and the cast member is a guy.)
6. Cruella DeVil is fucking fierce. Shit, I was intimated.
7. Don’t be a fucking dick and take 20 minutes to buy a ticket. Seriously, one couple was at the ticket booth for 20 minutes. Then there was a family at another booth for 20 minutes, then they got to another booth and stood there for 10 more minutes. This was a trend. Figure out what kind of package deal you want before you get up to the booth so that you don’t waste our time you fucking asshole.
8. I am not going to tone down my language just because I’m in Disneyland. Your kid is going to hear the words “fuck”, “shit”, “cocksucker”, “dickfuck”, “fuckface”, “fuckhead”, “asshole”, “asshole cockfucker”, and “fuckenomics” at some point in their lives. Well, maybe not 2-3 of those. And by the way, Disneyland would be a lot more enjoyable without all of the fucking kids. There’s too many of them and they’re not looking where they’re going. They’re walking around like they’re on drugs. And the strollers slow everybody down.

I guess that about covers it. Oh that and the wait for the Nemo ride is not worth it. Not that I waited. I had a magic ticket.