Category Archives: wonky advice

How to have fun at parties.


There’s the obvious answer: get drunk. But sometimes you don’t want to drink. Like…uh…when you already feel nauseous! Or you’re pregnant (ew). Or you’re allergic. Or someone is paying you not to. Yeah, those are pretty much the only situations where you wouldn’t drink at a party.

In this scenario you have fallen under one of those situations, you poor soul. So what do you do to keep things interesting? I have some ideas.

Make up things about your life. It’s not lying if you’re joking inside. Here are some answers I’ve used in the past to the dreaded question, “What do you do?”

— “I’m Sharon Stone’s personal assistant. I mostly get her dry cleaning and go with her parties. Helps her feel young again.”

— “I work at a zoo.” (“Doing what?”) “Animal stuff.”

— “I am the Internet.”

Feel free to adopt these!

Instagram the shit out of everything. I accidentally addicted to Instagram (follow me @apocalypstick.) By taking artsy bullshit photos you force yourself to have fun and force those following you to see how much fun you’re having. I promise you that you will not be the only swine on Instagram at that party. And who cares? You’re sassy.

Take control over the music. As a host, there is nothing more annoying than someone hijacking your ipod/record player/DJ/string quartet but as a guest, there is nothing more annoying than rubbish music. Here are some classic jams that everyone secretly loves to get the party swinging :

— “Kiss From A Rose” by Seal.

— “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. If you play the Glee version, just get the fuck out.

— anything Stevie Wonder.

— “Get What You Give” by New Radicals.

— “Save Tonight” by Eagle Eye Cherry.

Think, “would this make a good story?” and if the answer is yes, do it. Basically, standing awkwardly without speaking to anyone does not make a good story.


Try these and report back.


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Life Lessons From Filleosophy & Apocalypstick

This is to make up for the fact that we never answered your questions when we said we would decide your life. So, lesson one: sometimes, people suck. Don’t drink diet soda, it will make you bloat. If you have to, don’t drink more than one. Also eat slowly, if you don’t, you will also bloat. Find the right birth control pill; if you don’t, you will bloat. Eat cheese without regret. Don’t use a flatiron in your hair every day. Deep condition every once in a while. Listen to more Stevie Wonder. “When people show you who they are, believe them.” – Oprah/Maya Angelou. But before you believe them, make sure you know what to believe, and that you’re not just angry. “Don’t drive angry.” – Bill Murray to a groundhog, but it’s good advice. Choose kindness over jealousy. Make your enemies your friends. Get a snuggie. Take more videos of you and your friends. Don’t forget that if something’s bad, it doesn’t mean that everything’s bad. Slow down and calm down. Give yourself more credit and cut yourself more slack. Apologize sincerely and then move on. Laugh when appropriate. If it’s not appropriate, laugh quietly. Listen to Todd Rundgren, but not the later stuff. Eat eggs, not just egg whites (if you don’t have high¬†cholesterol). “Tweet/blog like no one’s reading” (unknown). Change your outfit, not yourself. And don’t be afraid to wear more than one outfit a day; it’s really fun. Only use nice hangers. Eat pasta, but whole wheat pasta, or you’ll bloat. But if you eat regular pasta, have no regrets. Remember: you can only control yourself, not people around you, so stay in control. And have fun. Always have fun.

Read Filleosophy’s Life Lessons Here.


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Teaser for Apocalandis Part Two.

Here’s a little clip of what you’ll see in part 2 of Apocalypstick & Max Landis offer you advice.

We got a LOT of questions this time, so it’s going to take me longer to edit it. I may have to pull some Harry Potter shit and split it into two parts. I’ll try not to.

In the meantime, please enjoy this thoughtful and funny piece by Laurenne Sala. It has the wit and hilarity of a New Yorker cartoon. But with vaginae: Fruitcake

Feel free to use this post as a discussion of our videos, oral sex, vaginal odor, and vulva perfume. Please DO NOT use this post to talk about Charlie Sheen. This is a SHEEN-FREE ZONE. Yes, he’s so amusing and funny with his “tiger blood” and “winning” but he BEATS WOMEN and says HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT JEWS. Of all people who deserve attention, he is at the bottom of my list. So if you want to Sheenize, take that shit to Twitter, or better yet, NOWHERE.

Thank you! And yes, I did change my font, because Helvetica gives me such a heartboner.


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Apocalypstick & Max Landis: Part 2


We got positive feedback on our last video post, so we’re going to give into your demands for more. (Yes, demands.) It’s the same deal. Ask us any questions you have on dating, relationships, sex, love, flirting, whatever, and we will answer them as we only know how. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is up to you.


Please send your questions here. It’s my formspring link. And thank you!!!!


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I Suck At Everything (And So Can You)!

“What’s the use in trying? All you get is pain.” — Super Emo band The Monkees
“If you’re going to do something, do it right.” — Charles Manson

My mom told me a story that when she was a teenager, her mother gave her a silver cigarette case for her birthday saying, “If you’re gonna smoke, smoke right.” My Oma (I think that’s Yiddish for Grandmother) was basically saying, “Look, you’re going to do something stupid, so suck at it really well.” Is there anything more pure than that?

I am sick of The Secret. I am sick of picturing me as a super successful actor with Paul McCartney as my boyfriend. We all know that Paul McCartney is probably not ever going to be my boyfriend. (I still can’t give up the probably DON’T YOU DARE ASK ME TO GIVE UP THE PROBABLY.) Good things are not happening to me no matter how hard I picture them.

Then I realized that I actually have to try. So I tried trying.

Trying sucks.

The more I try the more I think that I suck.

But don’t misunderstand me here. This feeling that I suck is not a sad feeling. It’s almost a relief. I’m good at something! I’m good at sucking!

I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have an agent, and I don’t look like Jayne Mansfield. BUT HOW AWESOME IS THAT CONSISTENCY??! Screw boyfriends, none of them are going to be anything like Paul McCartney anyway! So that’s one down! We’re almost there gang!!

If you can wake up in the mirror, smile, and say, “I suck!” THEN YOUR DAY CAN ONLY GET BETTER FROM THERE. Thinking about the things that you don’t have makes you realize that, holy shit, look at all the room for stuff I can have! Cheerfully admit that you don’t have a job, and lo and behold, watch the world continue to go on! No weird “The Happening” shit here. No one around you is killing themselves! And they probably suck too! But they’re alive just like you are. SO SUCK HARDER THAN THEM, DON’T LET THEM BEAT YOU AT ANYTHING!!

And hey, no matter how hard you suck, you can’t suck harder than Tim Burton! That guy used up all his good ideas 4 films into his career! Did you guys see “Planet of the Apes”?? Holy shit that sucked! That was the suckiest suck to ever suck!! Imagine how must fun he must have had making such a suckfest! The whole time he was probably thinking, “Fuck this is gonna suck, how did I convince people to give me money for this? PIZZA PARTY!!”

Seriously, don’t lie awake at night thinking of how much you suck. The key is not to beat yourself up for sucking. Embrace it. Remember what the rich hobo said: “When you got nothing you got nothing to lose.”


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Nice Going, Asshole.

I get it. Sometimes you need to be an asshole. Like when your assistant, Todd, gets you an extra-foamy latte. Doesn’t he know that foam makes you all farty and bloated? To be the best asshole you can be, you must:

~~ Give everyone obnoxious nicknames. Erika is, “The Kay-ster, nice to see ya!” Nick becomes, “N-Man! How’s it going?” The more obscure, the more asshole it is. Make “Jay Jay”, a nickname in and of itself, “Jboat Overdrive” and you’re in business.

~~ Always, always, always answer your cell phone. First inform whoever you’re talking to in person that you “gotta take this” but never, never, never apologize for it. Then have a loud conversation, hold up one finger to the person you’re talking to (as in, “1 minute”) but continue to carry on for as long as you deem necessary.

~~ Ask people how they’re doing but before they can respond say, “Great!” and keep walking.

~~ Laugh really loudly, for no reason at all. Laughing shows everyone else what a good time you’re having in your own head. (See Tom Cruise for a perfect example of how to do this.)

~~ Talk about encounters you have with C to B list celebrities. If you don’t know any celebs, that’s ok. Make shit up. Pick up a Life & Style rag for ideas on who to talk about. Something like, “I was at Starbucks and Ashley Tisdale mistakenly took my drink. Such a sweetheart though. She offered to buy it for me. I was like, honey, please. Really tall girl.”

~~ It’s important to let people know what restaurants you frequent. Think of how much better off they’ll be knowing that the sea urchin ceviche at Dorsia is top notch. If someone mentions a restaurant that you haven’t been to, but they ask you if you have, wince and say, “Not since they got a new chef.” Trust me, it will work. And you’ll come off looking awesome.

~~ Randomly yell at people.

~~ You know that friend of yours who plays guitar for a hobby? Now he’s a band. An up-and-coming band. Talk about this band all the time and how they want you to help them, “rise to the top”. Mention that you’ve collaborated on a music video. If someone asks you the name of the band, think of a noun and add “explosion” to it. “Fruit Explosion”, “Werewolf Explosion”, “Explosion Explosion” all work well. When someone says that they’ve never heard of them, snort very quietly and say, “Yeah, they’re new.” Mumble something about Paste Magazine and Nylon and get the hell out of there.

Do this and you stand a chance of either having no friends or of being the most successful person ever. It’s really a toss-up.


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