Category Archives: wonky advice

Tips On Looking Your Best.

First of all, you NEVER want to look your best.


Because once people see you at your best, everything is downhill from there. You’ve set the bar too high. Every time you see them you won’t look as thin, pretty, handsome, healthy, whatever. You always want to look good but you want to give people a hint of just how amazing you really are. I’m not saying to give yourself a black eye before you go out. Just don’t go ape on the cosmetics and such.

Then you have to decide if you’re going to dress for yourself, for a man, or for your friends. People always tell you you should dress for yourself, but if I dressed for myself, I would go everywhere in pajamas. I’m not Lady Gaga; I can’t get away with wearing whatever the hell I want wherever I go. I like to dress for men, because men are easiest to please. Tight jeans, a white tank, heels, and unfussy hair usually suffice. Unless you’re dating some fucking hipster who prefers to see his women dressed in Tiger Lily headbands and knee highs or some bullshit. In which case I would think about dating someone new. I don’t care if you love him, he’s a douche and none of your friends like him. They still hit on him though, when you’re in the bathroom.

Always take the damn compliment. A few days ago I dyed my hair and fucked up. The top of it was lighter than the bottom. So when I was complimented on it, I was tempted to say so. But I stopped myself and said, “Thank you.” I felt much better. Then when a different person asked me, “Did you mean to make the top lighter than the bottom?” instead of saying, “Shut your goddamn mouth, Irish”, I said, “Yes, I was going for a Blondie/Debbie Harry look.” Then I smiled and told myself that I was still pretty. I could have aqua hair and I would still be fairly attractive. You are too; I’m sure of this. Only beautiful people read my blog. I’ve done studies. (By the way I got my hair fixed today but that’s not important right now.)

Stand up straight and walk with your abs engaged. The next time you’re in your car or sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons for tuppence a bag, watch how people cross the street. They’re hunched over like monkeys or Kirsten Dunst. If you walk with your shoulders back, people will think you’ve lost weight. Hand to God. Try it next time and report back here. And if you keep your abs engaged you’ll strengthen your core, which is what those people at Core Pilates in New York told me before I quit because I preferred sleeping and eating to, you know, actually doing stuff. But once you do this it will become second nature, and you’ll have excellent posture without even realizing it.

The most important thing about looking your best is to always speak nicely of people…to their face. Save the insults for the internet. That’s what it’s for.


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