Mar

28

2014

Cocktails That Describe My Life

Above cocktails: French 75, made by me. And yes, they were good.

So, I feel like I could chronicle my life in cocktails. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Here are some cocktails I make on a semi-regular basis that describe my life. I’ve included the ingredients in case you’d like to make them yourself.

The “I’ve Given Up”

INGREDIENTS: 

  • coconut water
  • whiskey
  • ice
  • a deep sense of failure

This is what you make when you’ve run out of everything except whiskey and coconut water. Surprisingly, they’re not terrible together. No, they’re not amazing together either. They’re fine.

The “I Feel Skinny”

INGREDIENTS:

  • cheap vodka
  • soda water
  • lemon or lime wedge
  • ice
  • the belief that you’ve actually lost weight, even though it’s really just your stomach forcing your pants down your body that makes them feel loose.

Yes, this is basically just a vodka soda, and yes,  I was inspired by Louis C.K. who noted that when his stomach gets big, it shoves over his pants, pushing them down, making him think he lost weight. “I did it,” he says, “I ate my way to the other side, I did.” Oh man, I feel you, Louis.

The “I’m Sick And Also Sick Of Everything”

INGREDIENTS:

  • hot water
  • chopped garlic, or a bulb of garlic if you’re lazy as hell.
  • fresh lemon juice
  • ginger (ground or fresh)
  • cayenne pepper (ground)
  • honey
  • whiskey
  • a profound sense of sadness

My friend Ben recommended this drink. I get sick a lot with colds or sore throat maladys, and this really helps clear congestion and makes me feel like I’m actively doing something to be not sick anymore. Forgive me, I sound like a graduate of the Derek Zoolander School of Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn Do Other Stuff Good Too.

The “Life Is Going Really Good For Me”

INGREDIENTS:

  • vodka
  • cocktail onions
  • cocktail onion juice
  • a whisper of vermouth
  • a false sense of security

Yes, this is just a dirty vodka Gibson, but it’s my favorite cocktail. It’s surprisingly hard to find in bars because no one has cocktail onions because this isn’t 1925 and it’s not a bar for grandfathers. But I love this drink. The whisper of vermouth is crucial. You could make like Winston Churchill and go up to the drink and whisper “vermouth” or just make it so dry you leave the vermouth in the other room. You get the joke here? You don’t add vermouth.

The “Fridge Surprise”

INGREDIENTS:

  • whatever mixer you have
  • whatever hard alcohol you have
  • a dose of “LOL fuck this”

I think we’ve all made the Fridge Surprise at some point in our lives. How creative can we get with our cocktails, as we stare into a fridge of margarita mix and an apple, we wonder. The Fridge Surprise is kind of a metaphor for life, really. We never know what we’re going to find in the fridge, but we’ve got to make the best out of it.

I’m sorry if you don’t drink; this was not a fun post for you.

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Posted in: i don't even know, that's disgusting

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Kaitlin March 29, 2014 at 5:29 pm

This was the best post for me because I drink all the time and THAT is one of the main reasons why I love you.

Personally, I just went and got a two day old bottle of André out of the fridge with about five sips left in it and I had just settled down with that when I saw this post. Perfect timing. My favorite one has to be the “Fridge Surprise” because haven’t we all been there? I think my boyfriend and I are there on a daily basis almost.

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Almie Rose March 29, 2014 at 5:59 pm

If I knew exactly how to put gifs in comments, there would be the gif here of Jack Nicholson nodding.

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Almie Rose March 29, 2014 at 7:03 pm
Almie Rose March 29, 2014 at 6:51 pm
Simone March 30, 2014 at 7:47 pm

Love this. Personally I’m a fan of my version of the “Fridge Surprise” which is called “The Just Add Vodka.”

One of my favourite cocktails (not made by me – because let’s face it, I’m not very creative) is called the “Fall from Grace”: Port, Bitters, Black Pepper- Strawberry Syrup & Stawberry Balsamic. It’s smooth, kind of smoky and doesn’t really taste like any of it’s ingredients.

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Almie Rose April 4, 2014 at 2:15 pm

That sounds DELICIOUS AND AMAZING.

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