So, I feel like I could chronicle my life in cocktails. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Here are some cocktails I make on a semi-regular basis that describe my life. I’ve included the ingredients in case you’d like to make them yourself.
The “I’ve Given Up”
- coconut water
- a deep sense of failure
This is what you make when you’ve run out of everything except whiskey and coconut water. Surprisingly, they’re not terrible together. No, they’re not amazing together either. They’re fine.
The “I Feel Skinny”
- cheap vodka
- soda water
- lemon or lime wedge
- the belief that you’ve actually lost weight, even though it’s really just your stomach forcing your pants down your body that makes them feel loose.
Yes, this is basically just a vodka soda, and yes, I was inspired by Louis C.K. who noted that when his stomach gets big, it shoves over his pants, pushing them down, making him think he lost weight. “I did it,” he says, “I ate my way to the other side, I did.” Oh man, I feel you, Louis.
The “I’m Sick And Also Sick Of Everything”
- hot water
- chopped garlic, or a bulb of garlic if you’re lazy as hell.
- fresh lemon juice
- ginger (ground or fresh)
- cayenne pepper (ground)
- a profound sense of sadness
My friend Ben recommended this drink. I get sick a lot with colds or sore throat maladys, and this really helps clear congestion and makes me feel like I’m actively doing something to be not sick anymore. Forgive me, I sound like a graduate of the Derek Zoolander School of Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn Do Other Stuff Good Too.
The “Life Is Going Really Good For Me”
- cocktail onions
- cocktail onion juice
- a whisper of vermouth
- a false sense of security
Yes, this is just a dirty vodka Gibson, but it’s my favorite cocktail. It’s surprisingly hard to find in bars because no one has cocktail onions because this isn’t 1925 and it’s not a bar for grandfathers. But I love this drink. The whisper of vermouth is crucial. You could make like Winston Churchill and go up to the drink and whisper “vermouth” or just make it so dry you leave the vermouth in the other room. You get the joke here? You don’t add vermouth.
The “Fridge Surprise”
- whatever mixer you have
- whatever hard alcohol you have
- a dose of “LOL fuck this”
I think we’ve all made the Fridge Surprise at some point in our lives. How creative can we get with our cocktails, as we stare into a fridge of margarita mix and an apple, we wonder. The Fridge Surprise is kind of a metaphor for life, really. We never know what we’re going to find in the fridge, but we’ve got to make the best out of it.
I’m sorry if you don’t drink; this was not a fun post for you.