Are you one of those people who has to force yourself to do something? I don’t mean a horrible errand, but something that will actually benefit yourself?
Are you so used to backing out at the last second that you’re actually amazed you can pull through?
I came really close to flaking out on performing in a show last week. I thought, maybe I’ll get strep throat. I seem to get that so often, or some sort of throat issue, maybe I can just will it. Also I went to a throat and neck doctor last week who calmly looked in my mouth and said, “Wow, your tonsils are terrible, why didn’t you get these taken out? You should get these taken out.” I’ll get right on that. No really I will this time, because I heard you lose a lot of weight after a tonsillectomy. But I didn’t get sick and it didn’t rain hard enough to give me a good excuse enough not to go, so I went. I didn’t want to do this reading because I would be reading some very personal stuff disguised in the form of comedy and I didn’t want people to judge me. But then I realized, well, that’s the point of this show, and if I’m going to be judged for wanting to fuck 80s Tom Hanks, then bring that shit on. Oh also I talked about my various body issues. That was the real hesitation in performing.
I thought I would get silence, or worse, boos. Or no, silence is worse. Or is it? Is it worse for no one to laugh or for people to actively shout at you? Thankfully, there was no booing. There was laughing. I’m pretty sure it was with me and not at me. Someone said I reminded them of some female comedian named Natasha something. She couldn’t remember the last name. I like the name Natasha so I see it as a compliment.
I felt better after I did it, that is until I called my mom to tell her it went well and she told me that she and my brother were at the emergency animal hospital with my dog (don’t worry, the dog is fine.) That was kind of a downer. But ultimately, I was glad I did it. I should force myself to do more things. Like write. I should probably write instead of thinking about writing or talking about writing. I should write that sitcom. Or Showtime dramedy, rather. (“Yeah, get to work on that show,” my mom shouts from her room. “We need the money.” How weird is it she knew that I was just typing about it?)
It’s a form of self sabotage. Maybe I don’t think I’m worthy of being happy or rewarded or blah blah Oprah shit. Why do I do this?
Anyway. This time, I did it. Did you? Do it. Every time you think of backing out, tell yourself, “Nope, think about now.” The more you focus on what you’re doing now, the better off you are. And it will lower your chances of car accidents by, like, a lot.