Does anybody date anymore?

This morning, while jogging, I had a revelation.

I haven’t been on a date in years.

Instead I’ve been…ugh…”hooking up”. First of all, I hate that fucking phrase. I used to say “hook up” instead of meet up. For example: “Hey Stacey let’s hook up later at the Valley party.” Ok first of all I don’t know anyone named Stacey and I don’t go to parties in the Valley. Which isn’t to say that I wouldn’t; I just never know of anyone who has Valley parties.

Lately my “dating” has been going to some dudes house and making out with him. That’s not a date. It’s kind of slutty. It’s backwards, too. I find that after I’ve gotten fairly intimate with a guy I realized that I’m nervous about asking him on a date and that he could actually turn me down. That’s messed up on all accounts. That’s not how it should go.
Here’s how it should go. You don’t have to pick me up, because I live in the Valley and you probably don’t, but we should on a first date meet at a restaurant or whatnot and NOT your house. I should not be in your house on the first date unless your first date is a house party. And it better be a good house party. There not better be any fucking red plastic cups. We’re not 19 anymore. Buy some fucking glasses. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

We will meet at a restaurant and it will be a fucking classy joint. And we will maybe have a drink at the bar first so I can get all flirty and touch your shoulder and laugh and maybe even do my Blanche impression. Yes, Blanche from the Golden Girls, and yes, it is a great
Let me tell you this right now: you will pay for dinner. Yes, I said it. You are a man. I am a
woman. I am a hot woman. I am a sexy funny awesome hot woman. I am not paying for dinner. I am not going to split it. I am not going to do any of that shit. Because earlier that night I blow
dried my hair, put on make up, squeezed my Italian ass into a stretchy American Apparel dress, and shaved everything. And you’re a man. I don’t care if this is 2009 and I don’t care that Beyonce is running around in a leotard shouting at us to be proud single ladies: You. Are. Buying. Dinner.
You are required to treat me like Audrey fucking Hepburn on this first date.
By which I mean do not be a douchebag. Be a gentleman. Pretend that the entire date
has Camera Obscura as the soundtrack. Is that fuck music? No, it is not fuck music. It is clean and beautiful and adorable. Like our first date.
Do not invite me your place afterwards for “tea” because that’s bullshit.
You may suggest going to a bar afterwards or a cafe for dessert. That is totally acceptable and totally adorable.
You are going to kiss me at the end of this date, motherfucker. It is going to be so fucking pure and awesome that I should be able to hear Sixpence None The Richer playing in my head while it’s happening.
You will then make plans for

the second date, right there and then. You will not say, “I’ll call you.” You will not say, “I’ll text you.” And under any circumstances will you NOT say, “I’ll facebook you.” If you say that I will facebook your FACE.
Because then I will not be able to stop thinking about you. I will be reminded of you every time I see a green M&M or an advertisement for 1-800-CLOSETWORLD. Why? Because we will have private jokes about these things. I will facebook stalk you and look at all of your photos and imagine me in them. I will never, ever tell you this. And then on the next date I will kiss you so fucking hard your face will FUCKING SHATTER. CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT SHIT?
That is how you date in ’08. Crap it’s ’09 now. Fuck
that. Here is what you do NOT do on a FIRST date:
— “Hey, wanna watch a movie at my place?” Everyone and their Grandpa Fergeson knows that that is code for making out. Not only is that a skeezy first date but it’s lame too.
— “Hey, let’s drink champagne in my jacuzzi, what what.” This is not a first date either. I actually once had a guy ask me if we could do that in MY jacuzzi. I said, “You better be bringing the fucking champagne.” He didn’t. JACUZZI DATE OVER.
— The worst date I have ever been on was with some poor soul college kid who didn’t have anything planned and
had me meet him at Border’s. Yeah, that was it. So from there we wandered around Westwood and I had to convince him to get our palms read because I’m quirky like that. AND HE HAD NO MONEY SO I HAD TO PAY. Then he wanted to take me to his frat house so we could play guitar hero (GH had just come out so I guess this was kind of a big deal to him.) I would have gotten out of there but he was my ride so I had no choice. I watched him and his friends play Guitar Hero. Then he took me for a walk around campus. Yes. Then we made out on the grass. That part was OK.
But then…
We were walking and he said, “Hold on a second”, walked over to a tree, and peed on it. My mouth was hanging open and he said, “What’s wrong?” And I said, “Uh…you’re peeing. That’s what’s wrong.” And he said, “There aren’t any nearby restrooms that are open.” And I said, “You’re peeing in front of me.” DATE OVER.

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69 thoughts on “Does anybody date anymore?

  1. Ellery Baxendale

    This post kind of made my life. You are so right about everything. I nearly fell off my chair at the facebook thing.

  2. descarada

    Came across this article again today, and I have to say that this resonates with me more than ever.
    Point, though: I feel there are a lot of girls who are not being raised to be women. I know that my mother gave me absolutely no guidance in terms of dating, men, or sex. She did not teach me to honor and respect being a woman or tell me what that means. I had to go learn that from someone else's mom (and am blessed to have been able to do so). There are so many girls out there that are willing to take what they can get, and guys who realize they have to do less and less to get them. People are getting lazier when it comes to relationship. They are afraid to get close to other people, of rejection, of getting their hearts broken, of showing who they are or their weaknesses. So they play it "cool". They keep things casual and superficial. This goes for men AND women. It's a vicious cycle.
    I'm not afraid to say that yeah, I want an intimate relationship. I want to share my life with someone. I want a family. I want a man who wants those things also, and is not afraid to go find it. I will NOT know if a man is that person on the first date, or even the tenth. But I DO want to be treated like a lady. That does not mean drop $500 on dinner or lick my fucking toes with adoration. That means, begin the possibility of a relationship with some boundaries and respect. When a man wants to get to know a woman, he knows what to do. In the past, I have certainly been the woman, no, GIRL that has gone along with the passive guy who "hangs out" until you're both in a hazy mess of 'what are we doing here?'. I don't want a man who is too lazy/afraid to do three VERY SIMPLE things:
    1. Ask the woman you're interested in for her phone number.
    2. Use your telephone to DIAL this number, for a real, voice conversation.
    3. Set a time/place to spend a couple hours getting to know this woman.
    Believe me, if you do these three (again, very simple) things, I'm more likely to go out with you than the much hotter guy who texts me at 9pm wanting to know if I'm hungry. Why? Because you are showing me you are a grown-ass man who is not afraid, or even if you are, you do it ANYWAY because you know what you want. Now THAT, is hot.
    Boring, you say? You want to hang out with close friends? Isn't the point of this first date to see if you actually WANT your friends to meet this woman? Even if it doesn't work out with that guy, even if there's no chemistry or there's nothing to talk about, I'll still have respect for him for standing on his two feet and acting like a man, and will certainly continue to bring my half to the table and act like a woman.

  3. ryan

    Oh my goodness, are you kidding? Thank YOU for being awesome. And it’s not the first time my ladies and I have given you a shoutout.

    This is one of my favorite paragraphs of all time, probably. It sums it all up!

    (BTW, the theme of this shared tumblr is basically “girls + badassery + writing + drinking.” Hence the name, which is always the first word you say when you’re a girl about to drunkenly expound on some badass ideas about writing. “Lisshen, so I was reading Anais Nin’s journals the other day…”)

  4. Ghoti

    ‘SAWPPP. I’m a twenty-year-old straight male and I just read this blog and now I am rarin’ to go on dates. Now, clearly, given that I’m this random college-age kid who’s, you know, probably out to get his ass kicked a couple of times (metaphorically! in the name of love! or possibly literally, I mean, you never know these days), this may not be the best idea, but let’s just say I’ve been inspired because I WANT MY FUCKING FACE SHATTERED

    yes, well, there goes my manlihood in a single comment

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I know what you’re thinking but the bro on the right is actually not Adrien Brody. It’s a still from the 1983 film “A Nos Amours” starring Sandrine Bonnaire (the chick on the left.) This film had some of the coolest fashion I’ve seen.

  5. Vishesh Narayen

    “Hey, let’s drink champagne in my jacuzzi, what what.”

    Damnit. No wonder I haven’t had any luck lately.

  6. Travis

    I don’t know anything about you other than what is on this site, but lady, you are my kind of crazy.

    Guys need to take care of their ladies on dates.

    Paying. Most Def.

    But I would also add getting the door, pulling out chairs, and walking on the outside of the sidewalk. It’s called manners, and it’s how I was raised.
    And its not that you girls aren’t self sufficient, but rather, if a man wants to share time with you, he needs to treat you like a queen. Not all the time, but certainly the 1st 2nd and 3rd dates.

  7. Brett

    My girlfriend just sent me a link to this… I laughed out loud at work.. people looked at me.. very funny article, Ill be coming back to read more!

  8. Olivia

    Absolutely amazing. That should be laminated and sent to every male to keep on his bedside table from birth so they get it right from the start!

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  11. kevin

    What a stupid stupid whore, there are lots of losers willing to do all of that, you dont want to date them though and the conversation at dinner would make you feel awkward and want to leave and then they just paid for your skankass to have dinner and then tell your friends “he’s a nice guy, but I just wasn’t feeling it. You can’t create chemistry from a bunch a stupid cliches that don’t mean anything. Why do you deserve to be taken out, you dont think I go to the gym and do all that other crap and iron my shirt before we go out. We probably make the same amount of money too, but I’m supposed to blow wads of money on whores like you on a weekly basis?

    I think doing all of that is worse than you doling out BJ’s on a weekly basis and then seeing if the guy is decent enough to want to hang out with you again or even take you on a proper date. It should be pretty easy to tell if he’s going to want to date you before you blow him., so just use a little common sense and eveyone will win, at a minimum less time and money will be wasted.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I find that incredible considering that you think it’s okay to talk to women the way that you do. Maybe you’re especially angry and despicable online as opposed to your behavior in bars, but that’s no excuse. I wonder what your mom would say if she read what you wrote.

    1. No but seriously

      kevin curses a lot, but he’s got a point. you present two options to guys:

      a) take me to your frat house, and we’ll make out, and if you don’t pee on a tree, I’ll probably dole out a bj…

      b) take me to a bar, pay, take me to dinner, pay, take me to another bar/diner, pay, and then I’ll let you kiss me.

      omfg you are so going to make out with kevin now

      1. Almie Rose Post author

        Kevin called me a “stupid whore” — that’s not swearing, that’s hateful.

        And where, in this post, did I ever suggest that I would “dole out a bj” because a man took me on a date?

        1. Ok but this time, for serious

          yes kevin is an awful person, but admit you’re curious? because who does that?

          anyways, everything about these sentences says “weekly doling of bjs”:

          Lately my “dating” has been going to some dudes house and making out with him. That’s not a date. It’s kind of slutty. It’s backwards, too. I find that after I’ve gotten fairly intimate with a guy I realized that I’m nervous about asking him on a date and that he could actually turn me down.

          1. Almie Rose Post author

            First of all, not that isn’t any of your business (because it isn;t), but that date did not end with a blow-job. If you could call that a date. I think I made it clear in my post that since then, I am not heading down the path of going to someone’s house to make out with them; that is no longer an option for me.

  12. kevin

    Of course I don’t act like that in public, but I doubt you go around telling people all of your unreasonable expectations because what would that sound like? Bitchy, self-centered, clueless, demanding, arrogant, idk fill in the blank.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I’m sorry if a woman treated you badly in your past, but your aggression towards me is absolutely unwarranted.

      1. kevin

        There is no aggression, “Stupid Stupid” is a clear signal that it should not be taken seriously and was not written with sincerity.

        The point remains, times have changed and if your dating the old-fashioned way, you are probably on a date with someone who is out of touch.

        You know what else people used to do, go to church, who does that anymore? They used to watch baseball too, well guess what, last night World Series was the lowest rated in history.

        So just so we’re clear, dole out the BJ’s and we can keep progressing as a society.

        1. Almie Rose Post author

          I’ve tried to be rational with you and have a real discussion but your last sentence clearly indicates that this isn’t going to happen.

  13. kevin

    that was probably a little over the top…

    Oh come on, a BJ certainly would have been doled out at the frat house after a make out session, THATS HOW CLICHES WORK

        1. ....

          well in case you didn’t notice you are putting in the work why else would you leave seven RUDE comments on someone’s witty story that is not hurting you in any way shape or form?
          get a life dude. get off the internet and stop wanking off to porn. no wonder why you have so much angst towards women.

  14. Vishesh

    Kevin: stfu, plz.

    Your grammar sucks, and you’re more or less incoherent. I like reading this blog and you’re interfering with that. Also, learn the difference between “your” and “you’re.” You can start by carefully reading this comment.

    1. kevin

      Oh thank you for pointing that out Vishesh. I’ll make sure to run my posts by my editors in the future so you don’t have to waste YOUR precious time deciphering whether I am using the possessive or the contraction. YOU’RE a flippin genius man, with such a keen eye for grammar and punctuation you must be in AP english.

      My apologies for brining a different, albeit insulting opinion, to a comment thread specifically setup to share opinions.

      1. jeremy

        you are thinking… man this guy is a huge ding dong. that’s true. it would have helped to expand on my point.

        at this point though whatever. dating is a fucking nightmare on all sides. a sort of nuclear stalemate for both sexes. sometimes people just say fuck it and skip the dating and hook up which is where this article comes from. sometimes though there’s like government levels of bureaucratic mess to the courting process which is the opposite of just hooking up. i am not entirely sure there is a hefty amount of anything in between.

        also this took way too long to type because my cat keeps trying to eat my chili.

        1. Almie Rose Post author

          No no, I’m just amazed that people took this post so seriously. I thought it was obvious that I was being tongue-in-cheek. But that’s okay. It’s interesting to hear other points of view.

          Your cat keeps trying to eat your chili? Are you trying to make me fall in love with you? God I miss my dead cat.

          1. jeremy

            cripes i didn’t know you were the author. see what needs to happen is EVERYONE needs to get back to a simple system like you have laid out here in this (partially jokey) dating manifesto. life would be simple and easy. like in the olden days or something.

            there are too many books and magazines full of advice on how to date that it’s a fucking mess of counterintuitive bullshit.

            also yeah my cat is kind of a pushy jerk right now. plus i made that chili. that shit is mine lock stock and barrel. dude does not even have opposable thumbs. look how covetous he looks:

    1. Liz

      jeremy seems like a nice guy but kevin’s got a confident in-your-face attitude. at the end of the day confidence will take you farther in life than being nice.

      my vote’s for kevin

    2. So how is this going to work?

      kevin and jeremy both get a date? and the dates are reviewed by almie on this blog?

  15. Vishesh

    Liz, you’ve got it all backwards. Look how far the in-your-face confidence has taken Kevin so far: his evenings are spent attacking strangers on their own blogs through the COMMENTS section. I mean, if that’s not passive-aggressive, I don’t know what is. Hell, for all you know, he’s a pockmarked 42-year-old living in his mom’s basement, and can’t hold down a steady job because he randomly breaks out in fits of uncontrollable rage. WINNER.

    1. kevin

      So apparently, even though I never mentioned that author’s name and my comment was directed at her commentary, I “attacked her” and it some how makes it more wrong cause I don’t know her cause she is a “stranger”.

      Is there a better place than the “COMMENTS” section? Why are you shouting COMMENTS, is that some kind of faux pas? Oh no, not the comments section.

      For all you know, I am prince fucking charming Vishesh and my confident in-your-face attitude is how I pwn, now you’re ruining this blog, making shit personal.

  16. Lis

    This is the best dating blog post. EVER. I pretty much died laughing at the part about being invited up for tea. Genius!

    Kevin, you are a piece of shit. You may get a tiny bit of play being a total dick-ass in your twenties, but wait until your spare tire develops in your thirties. Girls might want cocky, arrogant pricks when they are young and silly, but eventually we all wise up and realize that respect, humor and kindness are much better characteristics to be attracted to.

    For all nice guys out there, buy a motorbike and keep being sweet – face shattering will ensue.

    1. kevin

      Ok let me get this straight classy lady, you acknowledge that being a dick, or “dick-ass”, gets you “play” (who says play anymore?) in your 20s, but “once [my] spare tire develops….”

      So what is the take away here, until you are fat, you are allowed like a dick and will continue to get girls, but once you become less attractive you have to start being nice. Sounds like a plan, it isn’t that hard to be more respectful, humorous, and kind overnight.

      That is basically what I said Lis. There are guys willing to do all that stuff that our beloved blogster wrote about, but girls aren’t lining up to date them. Do you even realize how shallow you sound. You’re obviously someone who was attracted to jerks in your twenties.

  17. Almie owes it to us

    she goes on a date with both, and is brutally honest in her review.

    or is Almie too selfish?

  18. Jacks

    Ok so let me get this straight, this post was written more than a year ago and all this hullabaloo has occured yesterday. Well 1. gives me hope for MY blog 2. Obviously this dude Kevin is super intelligent and received a great higher learning education. And I’m not even being sarcastic I swear.

    Look Almie…which by the way, is kind of the most retarded name I’ve ever heard in my life but that is neither here nor there because that’s not your fault….it’s your parents (unless your name is actually quite nice and you’ve decided to butcher is with this as a nickname, in that case…shame on you). Anyways, go on a date with Kevin…let him beat you up a lil and you might find that you like it. I know Rhiana did and probably a lot of NFL football wives. And I’m sure this guy Kevin is successful enough to make you feel OK about the beating.

    By the way, I thought your post was HILARIOUS and you should take all these comments in stride. It’s just bored people, much like myself, having fun poking at someone else.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Hi “Jacks” —

      I’m glad that you like my blog and find it funny!

      Your comments about my name are entirely rude and unnecessary.



  19. Charlie Rae

    Hey Almie,

    Hope it’s easy enough to ignore these tiresome hosers. It’s depressing to see a few bitter men call you a “whore” here. If I were to guess, and I will: They could ultimately end up being the type of men who send in questions to Parade magazine. [“I loved Selena Gomez in Middle School Drivel Part 9! What is her nationality?”] but for now are content to scour Maxim articles on which body spray stings their balls the least. [“The new Axe Freedom-Hump I.E.D. Mist sounds like the SHIT, broham.”]

    There will always be a few morons in your readership who get a thrill out of bringing up fellatio as non-sequitur. And I hope they are in a basement playing Call of Duty or shopping online for the hippest jeans in existence, while you’re sipping a fizzy gin drink at a Camera Obscura show… That your paths may never cross.

    Write on; you’re witty, funny, and have a kind soul. Your name is lovely.


  20. Angela

    I’m not so into this. I completely understand your desire to go on dates again–that’s your personal decision and your right. But I’m not into the way you guilt men into paying for you, treating you like a “queen,” and making the first move (i.e. a goodnight kiss), and basically use every other ridiculously gendered cliche from the 14th century to try to generalize what it means to be a woman in this blog. I have paid for men many times on “real” dates, and at the very least pay my own way. I don’t know how you expect to call out male commentors for their sexism (i.e. calling you a stupid whore) when you yourself perpetuate the same notions of “chivalry” and strict gender roles that support the institution of patriarchy. If you expect your dates to act like “men,” they’re going to expect you to act like a woman, as you say in the last line of the post–a role which has often meant “owing” sex to a man. You really can’t have it any other way. So if those are your kinds of “dates,” I’ll pass. That’s just my thought on it.

  21. matt d

    Outside of my four years of college, which seems to be an awkward dating time for anyone, I don’t think dating is that much of a nightmare for either gender. I think poor dating practice is 100% due to the quality of men you’re dating. I typically do a dinner date for the first, and I always pay. Most guys I know do the same. I guess I just don’t see what you’re describing, or maybe the san fran area just has more class. Around here a guy that pulled first dates like you described would be shunned by guys and girls alike.

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  24. Lizzy Grace

    Bored at my dead end job today. I cannot believe I just found your blog three years after this brilliant post. You are so correct about how dating should be and how it really is. In the words of my best male friend, “Men are scum”.

    No one cares about my troubles. I know. But I have been considering starting a blog myself because I like to rant. And right now I want to rant about this. Guys make ladies feel they have to be submitted to their haphazard dating habits if they don’t want to end up lonely spinsters before they hit midlife and realize they have no companion and no children. This is not true ladies! Listen to the beautiful Apocalypstick about how a REAL DATE should be. The right guy is out there and HE WILL take you on this perfect first date. Do not be like me and fall for the wrong guy’s bullshit and get pregnant by some one you literally have to run from. It might change your life for the better in the long run because it teaches you the best lesson ever, but it’s the wrong way to learn a lesson. Don’t fall for the BS and don’t think it’s your fault when something happens.

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