Facebook sucks.

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Facebook. Facebook sucks. Facebook is designed to fuck you over. Facebook is not your friend. Please read my embarrassing story of Facebook horror as a warning. Do not let this happen to you. Consider this your friendly cautionary tale.

I was seeing this guy. He mentioned early on that he had an ex wife and I was like, “Fine with me, I’m not looking to turn this into anything where that means something.” I didn’t say that out loud though. I’M JUST BEING BREEZY.

Then I killed the breeziness.

On one fateful night, I’m looking at his Facebook profile, like you do, and I saw a photo of him with his ex. He mentioned that they were on friendly terms so I thought, oh, I wonder what she looks like and if we have any friends in common.

So then I started looking at her Facebook profile. Just out of curiosity. It’s not like I was doing anything weird, I was just scrolling and clicking and thinking, “Hmm, nice hair” and just being breezy.

And then I saw something horrifying. Something awful. Something that you never, ever want to see on the Facebook profile of someone whose Facebook profile you don’t want anyone to know you’re looking at.

“Friend request sent.”

Yes. Somehow, without realizing it and without doing it on purpose, I clicked “add friend.”

This was my exact facial expression:

mia farrow horror rosemary's baby

This is a still from the scene in “Rosemary’s Baby” where Rosemary sees her baby for the first time and realizes that it isn’t a human baby, but actually the devil’s baby. Our reaction was exactly the same, down to the hand clasped over the mouth.

Then I screamed. My brother ran in the room and said, “What happened?” I said, “I accidentally added this dude’s ex wife on Facebook.” He said, “That’s not bad.” Then paused and said, “Nah…that’s pretty bad.”

I immediately clicked “unrequest” but I have no idea when I clicked “request” to begin with, so I don’t know if she already saw my request.

I have a theory on how this happened: I think I wanted to see what friends we had in common, and the “friends” box is right above the line that says “Do you know blahbah? If so, send blahblah a friend request” and I must have accidentally clicked “request friend” instead of clicking on friends. Fuck you, Facebook. That’s fucking evil. That’s horrible placement.

So I’m sitting there freaking out. Because now I look like what every 20 something woman of my generation looks like that we want to avoid at all costs: a crazy fucking digital stalker. There was nothing I could do. I could tell him before she told him, but what if she doesn’t see it or what if she saw it but doesn’t tell him? Then I’m volunteering my craziness.

Assuming she saw it, I ran through all of the scenarios.

She saw it.

She saw it, and didn’t care.

She saw it, cared, and clicked on my profile.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, and saw that we have her ex in common.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, and told her ex.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, told her ex, and he was horrified.

She saw it, cared, clicked on my profile, investigated, saw that we have her ex in common, told her ex, he was horrified, and they killed my family.

But who would do that, right? I’m safe, right? Right?? Right.

A few days later, the guy comes over. We’re just talking about his cat and then, without missing a beat, he says, “My ex wife told me that you added her and unadded her on Facebook.”

This was my exact facial expression:

shelley duvall the shining here's johnny

This is a still from “The Shining” when Jack Nicholson goes crazy and comes after Shelley Duvall with an ax.

This was my exact reaction before I immediately hid my face and did a sort of screechy/laughing/groaning thing while shouting, “Let me explain” and “Oh my God” in a failed attempt to be playful and cute and in an even BIGGER failed attempt to be breezy. I didn’t even TRY to be breezy. I’m just trying to imagine what I must seem to him like now. He must think I’m fucking insane. But it was an honest mistake on my part.

Please, everyone. Learn from my mistakes. Don’t do what I did, or didn’t do. Even though it’s HILARIOUS.

One thing though. I am not posting this piece of writing anywhere on my Facebook page, or my blog’s Facebook page, or on my Twitter. So if either of them see this, that means they willingly read my blog, and that’s all on them. Who’s crazy now, huh????? HUH?? BOOM! Not me. Not me at all. No way, dudes. Not me, I’m BREEEEZZZZYYYYY!

here's johnny

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78 thoughts on “Facebook sucks.

  1. ameena

    some of my biggest fears in life relate to facebook:

    1. accidentally posting a status update with the person’s name i thought i was typing in to the search bar

    2. accidentally liking something on someone’s page when i’m stalking them.

    i can’t facebook from my phone for these reasons.

    Reply
    1. Almie Rose Post author

      “1. accidentally posting a status update with the person’s name i thought i was typing in to the search bar”

      I did that one years ago. Looking up a guy, I accidentally posted his full name in the status box. I thought the best way to cover this up would then be to post my friend’s full name in the status box. I quickly realized that was stupid and deleted both.

      Reply
      1. joanna

        haha! the idea of posting the other person’s name in status is ridiculously funny. kind of logical, too 😉

        I added lots of weird people accidentally on my phone (I just like checking people out. In real life, too…). I really hope I unadded them all.

        Reply
  2. mandy

    omg this is seriously one of my biggest fears, along with accidentally typing someone’s name in the status box. i just want to get rid of facebook, but i think you have to have an account to easily stalk people and i am not letting that privilege go.

    Reply
  3. Adria

    I once did something like this. Except the chick knew who I was, we had a “current” in common and we KNEW about it and I was stalking her Twitter and I accidentally favorited one of her tweets. Yup. Immediate email sent. I feel you on this, Almie, I feel you.

    Reply
  4. Mark

    Oh Miss. Rose, if Jane A., Bill S., and Nora E. were alive today, they would have to cede the palm to you when it comes to honestly and wittily charting the comedies of errors in which we ensnare ourselves in the pursuit of our obscure objects of desire. Funny as hell (or Rosemary’s baby shower).

    Reply
    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Well thank you, what a lovely comment. I can’t figure out who Bill S. is though. May I have a hint?

      Reply
  5. Tori

    OMG YOU POOR THING! But just when I thought this post couldn’t be any more (painfully) hilarious, I noticed your thousand-and-one anti-Facebook tags. SO GOOD.

    Reply
  6. Alexandra

    Oh. Em. Gee. That makes me want to die for you. That does suck. And so does Facebook. However, I’m only a little sorry that your pain = my entertainment 😉

    Reply
  7. Elle

    Yeah once I was creeping on a guy’s pictures and accidentally liked one of his family vacation photos from AGES ago. I screamed and unliked it, but it’s whatever because now we’re dating and he has mentioned going through all my photos too. Whew.

    Reply
    1. Almie Rose Post author

      omg lol this is making me laugh, I really hope it was a photo of him with his dad in bathing suits on a beach.

      Reply
  8. christa

    at least they have ‘unrequest’ – i didn’t know til now that existed. i wonder if it still sends a notification if you’re not on facebook that someone has added you, and then they go there and there’s nothing to confirm? so curious.
    and like everyone else, this is one of my biggest fears. i do some legit digital stalking, especially with my 10-year reunion coming up. and i’m not requesting any of those fools.

    Reply
    1. Almie Rose Post author

      It’s a good question. She found me. I don’t know how, but she found me. RUN FOR IT, MARTY! #BackToTheFutureReference

      Reply
  9. allie

    yep… I’m with ya. Was IN LOVE with a guy I worked with and stalking his fb on my phone. Now, on the phone… the little “add as friend” link a A TINY PLUS SYMBOL that is RIGHT NEXT TO THE PERSONS NAME so when you go searching for someone and click on their profile, if you click a little too far to the right, friends request sent.

    LUCKILY, this dude just added me back and we never spoke about it ever but still… since then I have left all stalking to desktop only… although you’re making me nervous.

    Reply
  10. meligrosa

    ah fuck. well, that’s pretty hilarious
    mobile apps are so tricky, so if I know I want to be uber careful with likings and stuff (who needs to know i have severe insomnia… I do make a habit to use the desktop.
    fucking hilarious but look, you did a mighty fine short-story telling here, my darling. xxom

    Reply
  11. Anonymous

    I have experienced the horror of this as well.
    And the question forever remains…. did they, in fact, see the initial friend request if you revoked it 2 seconds after commiting the error.

    Fortunately, most people’s memories (mine not included) aren’t as sharp as they seem. So it’s likely to be forgotten in a month… or 12.

    I concur that operating Facebook via phone is risky. Better to avoid at all costs.

    Reply
  12. Alley

    I have experienced the horror of this as well.
    And the question forever remains…. did they, in fact, see the initial friend request if you revoked it 2 seconds after commiting the error.

    Fortunately, most people’s memories (mine not included) aren’t as sharp as they seem. So it’s likely to be forgotten in a month… or 12.

    I concur that operating Facebook via phone is risky. Better to avoid at all costs.

    Reply
  13. S

    UHM Can I just tell you this happened to me yesterday? I was being a creeper on my ex bf’s facebook and for some reason my little track pad wasn’t working. It went a little crazy and hovered over “add friend” and clicked itself…….

    I was absolutely mortified. I unrequested it right away and then blocked him. I’m hoping he never saw it. :(

    Reply
  14. e

    I once looked the fb page of my crush’s band with my moms facebook logged in, somehow accidentally liked the page, and then noticed it waaay later. It actually was quite awkward in the erstwhile situations.

    Reply
  15. Racheal

    I’m laughing so hard right now.

    Just so you know, I was totally going to reactivate my Facebook account tonight. You just reminded me exactly why I got rid of it in the first place, because I’m exactly the type of girl who does stuff like this. I’m just not so great dealing with the awkward that follows.

    Reply
  16. Belle

    When I was in high school we had this school emailing system, and I would email my friends to bitch about teachers (as you do). Several times I accidentally CC’d the teachers in these emails as I was trying to look up their names for reference. I now realize that it’s not really important that I spell people’s names correctly when I’m bitching about them…

    Reply
  17. B

    I havn’t even read the whole thing yet, but this has also happened to me. Before actually being with my boyfriend, I would FB stalk him in a healthy manner. (he knows of this) At the same time another girl would FB stalk him, but leave drunken wall post and/or songs which confessed her love. Of course I then would click on her profile (there is no shame), and one night as I did it on my phone at a bar for 5 minutes, exiting out and thinking nothing of it, I go home to see I have a new friend. I also had sent her a Friend Request, I played it cool as she asked how we knew eachother….was honest about the mutual friend…next day I was unfriended. After my boyfriend and I got together I told him this story, so we could continue an open and honest relationship. Some reason he didn’t think I was a freak and break up with me, still in love. This was a great post, going to read the rest now. But had to share my story as well. And if that other girl that I did add, happens to read this…yeah “what’s up” gangsta head nod!

    Reply
  18. Volcano explosion afsadjshwdfsfgh

    …………… … …..All I can say is……………………..
    I hate Facebook.
    I love this post.

    ……………. … …..That is all, thank you………………..

    Reply
  19. Zozette

    Oh oh oh! That is bad! I have only experienced the undeniable horror of “liking” a photo by mistake while stalking. Oh it is horrible.
    On the bright side, it could have been worse – with the family killing etc etc.
    But a great post nevertheless – the facial expression samples were particularly hilarious.

    Reply
  20. Juli

    Omg. I’ve read your stuff before, all very enjoyable, but this goes down in the funniest post ever category. It is the great fear of facebook stalking that this very thing occurs, along with the accidental like.

    thank youuu. you’re amazing!

    Reply
  21. artsieaspie

    My experience with this brings a whole different layer of awkward. I was showing Dad how Facebook worked and we went creeping on various people we knew and clicked from one person to another to another, as you do. My dodgy trackpad and my crap motor skills conspired against me to somehow send a friend request to his estranged son’s wife.

    Except I didn’t realise until she accepted. o.0

    Reply
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  23. Marlene

    I read this in class and almost died containing my laughter…especially because I have done this EXACT same thing!!!! And the ex girlfriend approved me in like 2 seconds I was freaking out….!!! haha f facebook for real!

    Reply
  24. Marielle

    I have this unnatural fear of confusing the search bar in Facebook with the ‘post on your wall’ one. I am always always always afraid that when I search for someone I will accidentally pick the wrong one and the person’s name will show up on my wall…

    Reply
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  26. Lauren

    I’m so glad I read this. Its one of my worst nightmares. The worst is instagram..fuuuuuck instagram.
    I accidentally double clicked on this guys photo who I was stalking with my sister because he has an odd pear shaped body with a big booty …we called him DAT ASS.
    After I double clicked I freaked out and changed all my info on my instagram and prayed to god he wouldn’t know it was me.

    I feel you.

    Reply
  27. Amy

    Love this story! It’s just happened to me only difference is I didn’t know I’d sent the friend request and I can’t remember sending it. It took my boyfriend to ask me if I’d sent his ex a friend request for me to figure it out at first I was like I barely know the woman’s name why would I she’s a total bitch anyway. Then I was like oh s**** just been of Facebook and apparently I have I’m so sorry I don’t even remember going to her profile (which is true) ive now cancelled the request :) and now I don’t even know if I have a relationship left. It’s seriously not worth stalking anyone on Facebook

    Reply
  28. Bernzadrine

    I sent a friend request without realizing it once, it was on a general ‘browsing people I don’t know’ and it said just that, friend request sent. I think they’ve designed it for subliminal request sending. I’m still freaked out I did it thought. Good to know someone else has to! Although, obvious, worse outcomes for you ;/

    Reply
  29. Amber

    OMG!! I soo feel ya! I accidentally sent a friend request to my crush’s son!!! OMG I was so being a FB stalker & just wanted a bit more info!! I canceled immediately & blocked him. But question or in need of advise. What should I do bring it up to my crush? Be honest? Or just wait & see if he brings it up? But I have a feeling that he might know as I haven’t heard from him, & I am NOT about to contact him. Our relationship wasn’t anything serious. But now I have that wonder oh maybe if he knows & the wonder of maybe what could of our relationship been. Also not sure but from the looks of his sons FB profile it seemed like he hadn’t been on there since 2012 but though I know that doesn’t mean he won’t get notified. :( so embarrassed & so disappointed in my self. Karma the ultimate kickass bitch!!

    Reply
  30. Amber

    OMG!! I soo feel ya! I accidentally sent a friend request to my crush’s son!!! I was so being a FB stalker & just wanted a bit more info!! I canceled immediately & blocked him. But question or in need of advise. What should I do bring it up to my crush? Be honest? Or just wait & see if he brings it up? But I have a feeling that he might know as I haven’t heard from him, & I am NOT about to contact him. Our relationship wasn’t anything serious. But now I have that wonder oh maybe if he knows & the wonder of maybe what could of our relationship been. Also not sure but from the looks of his sons FB profile it seemed like he hadn’t been on there since 2012 but though I know that doesn’t mean he won’t get notified. :( so embarrassed & so disappointed in my self. Karma the ultimate kickass bitch!!

    Reply
  31. Sad

    I am in total panic as well! But my story is even worse!!!!!!
    Ok so there is this guy at work, that stares at me. I am with someone and I think he is as well but…got curious as I wasn’t sure why he was staring that much. So someone tells his name out loud and … well, I stalk in facebook plenty of times… The worst happened!!! I must have sent a friend request long time ago (like maybe a month ago?). And I just found out! FUCK! The worst thing is WORK and how it has changed attitudes. Need to get a life and a new face, seriously.

    Reply
    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Oh God I’m so sorry. Best thing to do is laugh it off and move on and act like they’re total losers if they bring it up ever again.

      Reply
      1. Sad

        Oh thanks, was in total panic yesterday.. Probably will have a month with some uncomfortable looks at work, but the worst had happened without me knowing so I guess it will be ok. BTW, it helped me a lot reading your story (THANKS). Yesterday I was thinking all sorts of things from deleting all my online networks to not going to work for a while lol… Now, suddenly, I am conscious of how quickly time passes by so everyone can forget embarrassing experiences :) And yeah, the guy is definitely a moron.

        PS. I also made the name-search-on the-status mistake… We should leave Facebook forever!

        Reply
  32. Pierre

    Hi, I was tempted to send you complimentary post after reading your very amusing piece. But, when I saw so many had already done so, I thought – I’ll pay the compliment by purchasing your modestly priced e-book instead (and enjoy your promise.) Sadly, Amazon told me:
    This title is not available for customers from your location in: Asia & Pacific
    I hate all this licensing-type baloney. Keep up the good work, Cheers, .

    Reply
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  35. Jennie

    Oh my gosh, hahaha this made me laugh so much, mostly because I feel less alone in my own stupid accidental friend request debacle! (Found your blog whilst desperately googling for a way to rectify this life-altering mistake.)

    I was Facebook stalking my husband’s ex (which makes this even more pathetic…like why do I care?) just clicking around her page, when I clicked on her cousin’s page and somehow managed to accidentally click “request friend” only to gasp in horror and click cancel mere milliseconds later in the hopes that it would undo what I had just done. My biggest worry is that she would still get the email, look me up, and realize based on things she has heard from my husbans’s ex that it was me, then his ex would realize that I was stalking her! She is crazy already, it would be literally the apocalypse if that ever got back to her! And I mean how awkward can it get? There’s no talking my way out of friend requesting her preteen cousin! Somehow I don’t think that the “I thought I knew you from somewhere” explanation would work…it might make me look like a creepy child stalker.

    So not only did I cancel the request, but I blocked her and then deactivated my account, for what I plan to be at least 24 hours. Just to be sure.

    I may have taken it to a completely so-freaking-unbreezy level of damage control by creating two fake Facebook accounts and following the exact same process to see if the person would receive an email notification….I may have.

    And I might be using a dummy name right now for fear that I will be found out after all my hard work to cover my tracks…

    This whole thing is the very definition of sadlarious.

    Reply
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  37. Alyssa

    I am so glad that I have came across this blog! I am so happy that I am not the only one who has done this! One time I was stalking someone’s page as I was curious about the girls my bf used to be friends with on fb, and as I was looking at her posts…I did something absolutely mortifying! I hit the share button on a status she shared on her page that was a few months back! I was mortified and I was freaking out. I immediately jumped onto my page, and ridded that share faster than the speed of light. I quickly blocked her on fb, and then unblocked her because I was paranoid if there was anything else I clicked or missed. I deactivated for like a day…jumped back on in hopes and panic that notification went away after blocking her. To be on the safe side I kept checking to see if she wrote about it. I panicked to friends, and she must of noticed because for a few days she deactivated her fb. She sidnt blocked me but she did deactivate for a few days. Well I have never jumped on her page after that again..and I was more paranoid as well thinking she would think I was crazy! I never went on her page again after that but let me tell you fb stalkinf will get you in trouble.

    Reply

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