Jan

11

2013

Fat.

This was taken around ’07 or ’08 before I dyed my hair dark. I remember when this was taken. I hated my body and thought I was fat, so instead of wearing a bikini and getting in the pool, I’m wearing track pants and posing goofily with a pool net. Being silly was my default. If I looked purposefully goofy then I couldn’t be scrutinized for my appearance. That was a very sad, very sick girl. I am now 10 – 12 pounds heavier than I was in this photo and I wish I looked as “fat” now as I did then. I’m learning every day and trying to be healthy and accept myself. If you have similar issues, please don’t listen to the voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough. I wasted and missed out on fun because God forbid anyone see me in a bathing suit. NOT WORTH IT. I’m too fabulous. You are too!

(I originally posted this on Instagram and on my Facebook page and it seemed to get a big response, so I thought I would share it here too.)

More on body image:

A woman with curves.

Because I just don’t care anymore.

Mirror error. 

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Posted in: body image, let's hug it out, let's just talk from our hearts, memories of my youth, this is sad

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Ella January 12, 2013 at 1:00 pm

Hey, I just love your blog. You write so open and honest and I think it’s honestly so so very refreshing…!! Thank youuu

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Tootsie January 12, 2013 at 10:12 pm

Most of the time, I am fine with my body when I am clothed because I think I have great taste and dress it well to disguise the five pounds lingering on my waist line.
BUT the moment I get naked with a man I am self-conscious. I am thinking that he is thinking, “Maybe, we should turn the lights off.”
Which I then suggest.
But the man almost never wants to.
And then the absolute worst comes when we’re spooning and a guy’s hand moves over my belly which due to gravity and laying sideways combines into an oddly deformed and jiggly bundle of past food regret like that bottle of wine I inhaled, the bread basket, the grotesque amount of string cheese while watching Netflix until three in the morning, etc.
I find myself lying there in this intimate moment making a mental inventory of my diet for the past week and thinking about the last time I went for a run and then assuring myself I will run tomorrow but then realizing that I am a little drunk and thus tomorrow will be a little hung over and therefore cannot run for fear of keeling over due to whiskey dehydration and mostly laziness. And OH MY GOD, I am probably going to have a double chin while I am snoring when we pass out AND AND AND God only knows what he’s thinking, but it must be that I am fat and that he can find a skinnier girl because men only care about looks and I will never be loved due to these fucking five pounds and lack of discipline when someone declared it was a good idea for me to decide the amount of toppings on my Fro-Yo (cheesecake bites? YES!) and I KNOW THAT THIS IS CRAZY but this is my brain and this is being a girl.
*I apologize for the most epic run-on sentence on the internet.*

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Tany February 9, 2013 at 7:05 pm

Seriously, I never thought somente would think the EXACTLY same things I thought SHE I was having sex. We should help each other.

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TheAnswer January 14, 2013 at 12:08 pm

Hey, it’s all about choices;

1) Go Atkins or Caveman/Paleo diet for a month. If that doesn’t appeal to you, find another credible diet plan and stick with it. Besides losing weight on a metabolic level, you will be forced to reexamine your relationship with food on a psychological level.
2) Get your heart rate up for 20 minutes at least 3 times a week.
3) Set a goal – bikini by May? 20 pounds off by March.
4) Avoid emotional eating (stress, depression, soothing) and late night eating.
5) Imagine yourself in the body that would change your attitude about your appearance. Check in with that motivation when you have doubts.
6) Being overweight exponentially multiplies the likelihood of diseases.
7) Though you are funny and pithy, don’t try to joke yourself out the above. You have a big future in comedy/entertainment/writing, and a healthier you is a better, happier you.

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Heather January 14, 2013 at 1:22 pm

Way to miss the point, dude. Perhaps instead of “TheAnswer” you should’ve named yourself “TheProblem.”

(Why yes, I *did* just delurk for that. Apparently I have strong feelings about strangers who don’t seem to understand the blog I love so much. So… yay?)

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Almie Rose January 14, 2013 at 1:26 pm

Aw, thanks for commenting, Heather! I’m glad you love my blog and wanted to join in the conversation. xo.

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TheAnswer January 15, 2013 at 10:17 pm

Heather, Almie said she wishes she was back at that previous body weight. You can love yourself as fat or skinny, but if you wish to lose weight, you have to take action. People who take action to make their wishes come true…have their wishes come true. If you want to have a pity party with chubby hubby, I am definitely not the answer. I’d rather do yoga, eat healthy, feel great and be happy than medicate with M&Ms. Food is not love. Taking care of yourself and helping others is.

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Ombretta D January 15, 2013 at 9:09 am

Honestly, we should just all try to be healthy, not intoxicate ourselves with junk food and ultimately come to the conclusion that (if we’re unhappy) even if we lost those 2.5 pounds, we would probably still be unsatisfied because all we do is projecting unhappiness into body fat so we have a practical reason to blame ourselves for the unsatisfaction we feel most of the time. I have worried about my body looks for a good part of my life till I’ve realized there’s always going to be someone “more”, someone hotter, sexier, skinnier and more beautiful than I am, so all I can do is focus on my personality and those characteristics that make me who I am in a unique way (like charm, humor and so on, these are the things that make people stick to you, not your belly or lack thereof). Treating ourselves with respect also means we will never reach the point of being physically unhealthy and terribly overweight.

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Suburban Sweetheart January 24, 2013 at 9:38 am

I almost never write about my body, but I did so today, just before I read this post of yours. Funny timing. <3

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Simone January 29, 2013 at 6:09 pm

Oh man. There’s so many photos that I have from when I was younger that I used to hate because I thought I looked awful, now that I’m older I look back on them & think “I actually looked pretty great!” and then I start thinking things like “geez, I wish my skin/ass/legs still looked like that” The point being, I’m trying to learn how to appreciate things *in the moment* and be kinder to myself because I imagine it would really suck to get to be 80 and then regret all of the time you wasted not giving yourself enough credit for being hot & awesome.

PS. I think you’re perfect & lovely the way you are.

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Melissa J March 1, 2013 at 10:51 pm

You are awesome by the way. Keep shining.

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Amanda March 2, 2013 at 11:18 am

It cracks me up/angers me to look back on times 20 lbs ago when I thought I was fat. Like WHAT??? If only I knew what the future held! And now that I’m even bigger than I was then it doesn’t really bother me. Life!

Anyways, love the blog and can’t wait to meet you in Vegas!

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angel March 10, 2013 at 1:52 am

I thought no one would ever love me because of how over weight I am. Thank to aigbedionspelltemple@gmail.com for helping me,i will always be gratefull to you,….angel

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Emily aka Average Girl March 14, 2013 at 4:19 pm

Great post! I write about similar topics (aka body image) on my blog: http://www.loveaverage.com/blog
I am also in process of writing a book about body image and am currently collecting thoughts and experiences from real women to feature through the sections of the book/and for my blog. If you’d like to contribute a story or fill out my research questionnaire please send me a message via my website or email at averagegirl@cogeco.ca Thank you!!

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