I don’t want a serious relationship. I am not ready.
Thus, if I am dating you, don’t turn it around and pull that line on me. You can’t say that first, because I said it first. That’s like firing me when I already quit. So let’s get that right out there, cowboy style. Don’t use that line with me, because I am already using it on you. It’s been used. It’s been played. It’s Mrs. Peacock in the study with the wrench.
Here’s my next point. If you broke up with your girlfriend within the past year, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME. DO NOT TALK TO ME. DO NOT EVEN LOOK AT ME. YOU CAN STUFF YOUR SORRIES IN A SACK, MISTER. Why is it that I attract men who just got out of complicated relationships? IF YOU STILL HARBOR FEELINGS FOR YOUR EX OR ARE SUPER FRIENDLY WITH HER, GET. THE. FUCK. AWAY. FROM. ME. GET OUT OF MY OCTAGON.
Yes, everyone is probably someone else’s ex. But I have this uncanny ability to find them RIGHT AFTER they become an ex. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or why this happens to me. I’m not angry with everyone though. I recently ended something with this guy I was seeing who wasn’t ready for a relationship either, and he is probably the only person I actually want to stay friends with. Usually when you date someone and it doesn’t work out, you’re like, “K bye” but I get where he’s coming from.
THAT BEING SAID. DO NOT. TALK. TO ME. IF YOU. JUST GOT OUT. OF A SERIOUS. RELATIONSHIP.
Not sure if your relationship was serious? Here are some clues:
— Every other night you collapse in a ball in the corner of your shower and sob.
— You constantly check your ex’s Facebook and are possibly signed in as them because you know their password.
— When you’re on a date, you sigh a lot and stare into the distance.
— You dated a.) for a long time or b.) in a short amount of time but it was so intense that you call your ex “She who shall not be named.”
— You can’t stop talking about your ex. Even when you know you should stop.
I’M GLAD WE ESTABLISHED THIS. If you’re not ready, don’t pretend that you are. Don’t convince yourself into thinking that you’re ready. Don’t date for a while. It’s a bad idea. If you need physical contact, get it from an ex that you are on good terms with and didn’t get your heart broken over. Do not tell me that you “just want to have fun” because I know what that means and I am not going to be your sexual release because your ex wasn’t ready to move it to the next level, or whatever the hell happened that lead to your break-up. If you want to be my friend, then that’s awesome, because I am a good friend. But don’t even HUG me (and I don’t mean one of those, hi it’s me your friend hugs, I mean those let me hug you at your waist for a few seconds hug) if you’re not ready to fully, 100%, date. I have to protect myself.
And if you kiss me, don’t suck at it. If I feel your tongue before your lips, then you suck at it. If I feel more of your tongue than your lips, then you are bad at it. If you pet my hair while you’re kissing me, then you are just fucking weird and should not do that.
Thank you.
Hold It Against Me — Britney fucking Spears
Indeed and agreed with all the above.
I. Fucking. Love. You.
But not in a ‘I wanna be fucking/loving you’ kind of way.
More like in a ‘Fuck Yeah’ kind of way.
I am giving you the strongest of mental high fives.
A-fucking-men. Just put that tongue away.
This one guy licked my teeth. Repeatedly. On purpose.
WHAT IS IT WITH THE TONGUES
dg/ahgks
But like for real. Don’t ask me on a date and then when I show up in heels and one of those good looking stretchy dresses that they sell at Forever 21, make me feel overdressed with your yucky outfit/hair. And then especially don’t stare at college basketball instead of my beautiful faces. COLLEGE BASKETBALL. It doesn’t even matter.
Also. Don’t kiss like you are eating an ice cream cone in August and it’s 1,000 degrees. Tongues are gross enough as it is.
COLLEGE BASKETBALL DOESN’T MATTER?!?! THIS IS MY OUTRAGE FONT.
I also like the Dance teams. I’m equal opportunity.
“I show up in heels and one of those good looking stretchy dresses that they sell at Forever 21”
I AM LOLLING ALL OVER THE PLACE, SOME THINGS ARE SO FUNNY BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST SO TRUE
LOLLLOLLOL
If you pet my hair while you’re kissing me, then you are just fucking weird and should not do that.
Literary gold.
I wish you had written this 4.5 months ago and saved my time, energy and heart. You are, as usual,epically correct, Well done.
“When you know better, you do better.” — Oprah, by way of Maya Angelou
Ah! I wish I could have said all of this to that dumbass 23-year-old I dated last year. That kid had some serious “I’m still in love with my ex” issues.
“23-year-old”
“23-year-old”
“23-year-old”
“23-year-old”
I think I found the problem.
… hence my recent celebration of one year of happy and purposeful singleness turning down offers for dates (I guess girls do that nowadays?) when they occurred (it wasn’t that often, I’m not that cool).
always and forever,
d
What’s dating? I’m going to need a complete breakdown of this phenomenon. I may or may not have been on a date in the last year. But my mom was there. I prefer chaperones.
Can I repeat what one reader said? A-fucking-men! And I say this because I’ve been there. The relationship I had before I met my husband was with a man who was obviously NOT over his ex. While he was with me, he wrote a poem. For her. Not for me. A tribute to her. Not to me. Then the following week, he broke down in front of me and told me how much he missed her. Ugh.
Also, telling you that I’m not interested in a serious relationship IS NOT A TRICK TO GET YOU INTO A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP.
LOL I AM TRYING TO DERREN BROWN YOU
Whoah. First time reader, and now I’m hooked. Brava!
Thank you for this comment, thank you!!!
holy shit. it’s like you’re reading my mind, but from the other point of view. congrats, you just kept me from making the same mistake on the opposite side. holy fucking shit.
It’s comments like these that make me want to cry, if that part of my brain wasn’t missing. Thank you, truly.
There’s nothing like lying there with a girl while she tells you about her last two boyfriends and wants to know about my break up from a year before. Guess what? Not everyone is still pining over his/her ex.
Thank you for mirroring my thoughts.
Two things:
1) Don’t hate just because they are still super friendly with their ex. I am super friendly with damn near all of mine. Some people just operate that way. One of my best friends in the world is the guy who left me a sniveling, broken hearted, mascara running down my face mess for several months after the breakup. He’s married now and I’m happy for him.
2) If you aren’t looking for a relationship the fresh out of a break up guy might be perfect. The guy who is long since over the ex is probably looking for more than you want to give.
“If you aren’t looking for a relationship the fresh out of a break up guy might be perfect.”
You would think so.
I think it should also be added that you should not be trying to go out with me when you CURRENTLY have a girlfriend.
What’s that? You need closure, and I’m it?
NO SIR.
I found about you early this year after a hard breakup, my friend referred you to me. It was kinda like an unintentional therapy for me. Your writing is amazingly stupendous, and i am in literary love with you. i just want you to know i love this blog and you are pretty fucking amazing.
Wow, thank you. This makes me happy. Not the part of your breakup, that part sucks. I’m sorry. I’ll be here, stick around!! xx
There seems to be some issues in the 16-25 year old demographic on the issue of technique of tongue kissing and oral sex with a girl. They seem to think that the tongue application is the same in both cases and that’s just not right. We need to get the people that film “The More You Know” Commercials on NBC to address the problem.
EESH, here’s to hoping I wasn’t a She who Must not be Named. Unless that would give me magic powers and cloaking capabilities. (Then I’m down.)
LOL NO, YOU WERE NOT. I THINK YOU CAN GUESS WHO IT WAS. OH MY GOD MALLORY WE HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT. SO GOOD.
Bah-hahaaa.
All too true. Unfortunately, I think I’m the one with the ex-issues. I feel extra bad now for being ‘that guy’. Or girl in my case. But I am at least an awesome kisser. Honest.