Harsh Words.

This is how it works: you’re young until you’re not. — Regina Spektor

I’m going to lay it down for everyone.

You are a total idiot if you text and drive. You’re also an idiot if you talk on the phone and drive, but if you do it on speakerphone or on a bluetooth then I guess it’s less dumb. They say that texting and driving is worse than drunk driving, which is a relief because now when I drive drunk I don’t feel so bad. KIDDING!!!!! Seriously though, don’t text and drive. It’s fucking distracting. When I’m on my way to meet you, don’t text me. I will not respond. You shouldn’t expect me to respond. Why? BECAUSE I’M DRIVING. If you need to reach me while I am on the way to meet you, either call me or wait until I get there. Pretend it’s 1994 if you have to, and cell phones are not common. If you are on your way to meet me, and you have to tell me something, LITERALLY CALL AND TELL ME. If you text me, I’m going to respond with “DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE.” If you do it again, I will call your ass and tell you to stop. It’s seriously the dumbest fucking thing you can prevent yourself from doing. We all make bad relationship decisions, money decisions, life decisions — don’t make this one. And don’t say to me, “I only text at red lights.” Would you get to a red light and close your eyes? No, because that’s dumb. So don’t text at a red light either, because although you may be stopped, other people are morons and could run the light, run into you, etc. Do not text and drive and if you do, don’t do it in front of me, unless you want me to think of you as a total dumbass.

Why are you jogging at night in the fog on Mulholland Drive? Are you fucking asking me to hit you? Are you fucking stupid? If you need to work out that badly, get a fucking treadmill. It’s like one of The Simpsons Halloween episodes where Ned Flanders says, “Time for my nightly fog walk!” and then is promptly hit by Homer with his car. It’s just ridiculous. You are asking people to hit you with your car when you powerwalk on streets that don’t have sidewalks after 8:00 PM in the fog. I can’t even–

Always RSVP. I cannot tell you how rude it is when you leave someone hanging. You’re not the fucking weather; I shouldn’t have to predict what you’re going to do. Either tell me that you’re coming, that you’re not, or that you’re trying to come. Don’t be lackadaisical about this shit. I admit, I have been done this before, but sometimes I go a few days without checking Facebook, which seems to be the main way to invite people to things. And why not? It’s easy, it’s quick, and everyone is on it. But then you never know if people are going to check it in time. But if you’re updating your goddamn wall and you still haven’t responded, then you should feel bad about yourself. You have failed at being a polite person. Mrs. Potts would be appalled. You are not Gaston. You are not exempt from behaving like a nice adult. Goddamn. And yes, I see the irony here in acting like a bitch while telling people to be nice. But I have the passion because I love. It comes from care and it comes from love. Or something.

Think I Wanna Die — Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin


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21 thoughts on “Harsh Words.

  1. d

    are you saying if i post something on your facebook wall and you don’t respond you are being impolite?

    OUCH, Almie, OUCH.

    ::walks away sniffling::

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Lol, 8 pounds. I know you didn’t even make a joke but certain movie titles are little punchlines. Like The Happening.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I think there’s a grace period. Within the first few days to a week, tops, you may not know what your schedule is like. But then I think if you’re still unsure you need to say maybe, because that’s just honest and it shows that you got the invite and aren’t ignoring it. Unless you’re invited to a wedding, in which case I think you need to say either yes or no but I wouldn’t know because I am never invited to weddings because people don’t like me to share their joy with them.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I fucking love Blow-Up and it looks like I’ve been pretty obsessed with Veruschka lately, I’m just realizing that most of the photos I’ve used for my posts have been of her. I think you’re being facetious about the lackadaisical party though, because there’s nothing more lackadaisical than getting distracted from your own little murder investigation with a game of mime tennis.

      1. Daynah

        good call, Almie. that last scene gives me chills. there’s no ball, but you hear the sound! genius.

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  3. Rae

    “You’re not the fucking weather; I shouldn’t have to predict what you’re going to do. ”

    God, I love you.

  4. Char

    Dear Almie, I read this post and promptly RSVP’d ‘maybe’ to a co-worker’s flatwarning. Thank you for your harsh words. I needed to hear them.

  5. Laurie | Your Ill-fitting Overcoat

    Ok, BUT. 99% of the Facebook invites I get are literally sent to like 80 people, minimum. I usually click “maybe” just to get it off my news feed, but I don’t feel like that is giving anyone vastly different information than if I hadn’t responded at all. And since they’re inviting 80 people, do they honestly care? It’s different of course if it’s a close friend or a smaller event, then I’ll definitely RSVP. But what is your stance on these bigger events? How early do I have to make a decision? If the person isn’t a close friend, I’m probably not going to commit until closer to the event.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      If it’s a party that a friend of yours is throwing, it doesn’t matter how many people they invited. But if you’re talking about the guy you met in college who had a crush on you and nothing ever happened and then a year later you ran into him in LA at the Carney’s in Studio City and he’s including you among 100 other of his facebook friends in an invite, then get back to them when you can, even if it’s the day of. If they’re not going to be devastated by your lack of response, then respond when you can, but I still think you should click yes no or maybe. It’s easy.

  6. Jenny Morris

    I totally agree with you…whenever I get a text while biking I think about that terrifying australian commercial where the girl driving is texting and you see the entire horrific accident laid out…blood, screaming, if i remember correct – a dead baby) like seriously the scariest thing in the world.

    not to seem insanely insensitive at this point…but i showed my friends your betty draper impression last night and we all died of laughter and think you are brilliant and have girl crushes for realz.

  7. Maggie

    I have a friend who not only texts and drives he does that obnoxious thing where he drives with his knees while he does it and considers himself to be an amazing driver. I seriously won’t get into a car with him if he is driving, it’s too infuriating…especially when the majority of them are probably like “lol sup?”

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