I think the worst thing someone can do is dictate how you should feel. If someone tells you to calm down, you’re going to get angrier. If someone tells you to cheer up, you’re going to sulk. If someone tells you to move on, you’re going to punch them in the face.
Speaking of faces, I thought I’ve been putting on a good one. I go out and I think I’m OK. I think I’m myself. Then someone proves to me that I’m not. Someone will ask me if I’m upset about something. Or if I’m sedated. Then I realize that I wasn’t fooling anyone. My emotions, or lack thereof, were as obvious on my face as red lipstick. I hate admitting that I’m having a hard day, week, month (year I’llbethereforyouuuu) and I especially hate putting it here on my blog because I want people to think that I am indestructible, like Iron Man, at all times. I’ve never seen Iron Man but from what I’ve gathered from the posters, he appears to be indestructible. I think he wears a metal robot suit. The commercials let me know that he’s also really cool because he wears sunglasses and carries briefcases and smokes.
So, yes, I am not having the best time right now. I was for a little while and then it came crashing down on my foot. I also hate declaring that I’m not doing well, because from what I know and have seen and personally experienced, it could be a lot lot lot worse. I do have my health. I have my family. Those two things are the essentials in life, and two out of two is fantastic. It’s just my feelings that aren’t OK and what are feelings but things that annoy us anyway? It’s not real. It’s not like I can just check out because I have feelings. If I had malaria no one would fault me for avoiding life. But feelings?
It’s just a culmination of things right now. I’ll be fine soon. I’m supposed to be fine now. I’m not. Suck my balls. I’m sorry. I hope that one day I will be able to write something without cursing or being crude. I also hope that one day I’ll be able to write something and not make a pop culture reference. This is maybe my biggest goal after appearing on “Mad Men.”
In the mean time Ob la di. Ob la da. Sometimes I wish that this blog was a secret website where I could say what I really wanted to say. Then I remember that’s what diaries are for. I remember how I used to write in journals. Now the idea pains me. I don’t want to hand write everything. I’m not Abe Lincoln. I have a fucking computer. But I think my reliance on computers has weakened my handwriting. Do you remember when you were a kid and you would forge your parents’ signature on something? You would do it slowly and carefully thinking, “This is how she signs it.” This is how adults write. That’s what my handwriting looks like. Like a kid trying to write like how they think an adult would write. It’s ghastly.
To quote someone I never, ever thought I would quote earnestly: “[I] want to change my clothes, my hair, my face.”
This song is a lost gem from the 1960s. It is depressing but in the best kind of way.
Almost every other day, I think, “Why do I have a blog that people I actually know IN REAL LIFE could fucking read?”
That is all.
I hate real life.
Life will get better. Can’t you just open up notepad or something ?
oh and also I’m curious as to your handwriting now, please post some.
Never. I need to keep SOME things to myself.
The real question–one I ask myself from time to time–is: which one is the real me? The happy, indestructible, carefree and open person? Or the brooding, contemplative, anti-social person? Which one to embrace? Oh, the choices. Maybe it’s good to have both?
It’s OK to be down. Actually, it’s nice reading a post from you where you’re not always so fabulous. That was supposed to be funny. Anyways, take care. Hope things go well ASAP.
You can actually make a font out of your own handwriting these days, with websites like Fontifier (http://www.fontifier.com/). I usually just write in that, now, and pretend I did it all myself. I like to show my “handwritten essays” to all my friends, when they’re willing to humor me, and make myself feel totally superior. It really works! (So lonely.)
Sorry you’re feeling down. Also, I like LiveJournal.
Oh I feel the same way about my handwriting. I feel so embarrassed about it- why can’t I have the beautiful, automatic penmanship my grandmother had? Although, I think my grandmother got a degree in penmanship, no kidding, apparently they had things like that in the 40’s, or whenever she went to college. She’s dead now. Anyways.
If there’s anything I can say about you Almie, it’s that you’re gorgeous, radiant, really… stylish, funny, independent, and resilient. And you are well-loved by your readers and your friends. Here, have an internet hug.
Loves.
Okay, so I love how you compare having feelings and malaria…totally similar sometimes! Some feelings are very similar to a fever of 103 and aches and chills, however…at least people can relate to “feelings”, nobody ever really relates to “malaria” (except for to be all “is it contagious?” and look at you with fear….oh yeah people do that with feelings too….nevermind)
Chin up, feelings out and go forth..
I’m not going to tell you to feel better, because that’d be… well, that’d be stupid. Instead, I’m going to tell you that I feel the EXACT same way as of late. And I hate it. I also have recently begun to hate everyone and every thing and every day.
And generally I’m a positive person. So, now I even hate me.
What’s a previously-positive-person who’s now hateful to do? (sigh)
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GO WITH IT. Having ALL the feelings is def the jam when it comes to creativity.
Oh hey, Almie. #1 I just freakin fell in love with your blog/you/whatever. #2 Feelings blow, right? Except for when they don’t. Hakuna matata, I guess. #3 You can plan on me being a baller follower from now on, promise. #4 Happy Wednesday aaaand yes. That is all.
Thank you!
Good News! You can fix this for $7.99. I shit you not. Having spent 3 months in The Nest of Despair (my term for wallowing in bed), brought on by a relationship meltdown, career confusion, and the exhaustion of trying to make it in a new city, I’d hit rock bottom. Therapy, alcohol, sleeping around – NOTHING was working. A friend recommended this book: Feeling Good by David D. Burns M.D. On pages 42-43, Table 3.1. He lists 10 cognitive distortions that result in depression, i.e. “All-or-Nothing Thinking,” “Disqualifying the Positive, “ “Jumping to Conclusions,” etc. So, when a depressive thought creeps in, you can tell yourself “hmm, this is a prime example of “Magnification” and feel like you have a legitimate reason to put it out of your head. I think that’s the key. Recognizing self-destructive thought patterns is easy – it’s moving past them that’s hard. Your mind says: “This seems crazy, but what if it’s really TRUE? I’d better feel shitty about it so I’m not caught off guard.” The book provides the authority you need to banish those thoughts and move on. It’s that easy! You’ll be back to drinking for fun in no time!
Your balls??? No wonder you’re so upset, haha.
Seriously, though. It just takes time, and no one is going to be able to dictate your internal, emotional clock. You’re going to move on when you move on. In the meantime, stick with the people who make every concerted effort to celebrate life and give yourself new experiences and memories to boot. You’ll find yourself less “stuck” more and more as time goes on until you don’t feel anything at all (in regards to this specific situation).
drink, then shop!
it’s a guaranteed afternoon of happiness and then deal with the crap later.
oh girl 🙁 i’m sorry!
I can’t find an eloquent way to say this so, here it is: I FUCKING FEEL YOU
“And when I’m less than okay, I remember that a happy version of me exists, and sadness doesn’t seem as real.”
Yes.
A thousand times yes.
You’ll get it through it…eventually.
And so will I…eventually.
Almie,
I’m a longtime reader and I have often thought about emailing you to tell you how awesome your blog is. I’ve been going through a tough time after my husband left me and our two-year old son. Your blog has cheered me up innumerable times. I really love your spirit and your writing. I hope things improve for you – I’m sending you positive thoughts. Take care!
Linda
Pretty sure Ruth are neither “lost” nor from the “1960s”
I’m not referring to the band Ruth. I’m referring to the folk singer whose apparently one and only song was featured on this collection of 1960s female folk singers:
http://www.amazon.com/Dream-Babes-Faithfull-Various-Artists/dp/B0000DZHGK/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1281485807&sr=1-4
But thanks anyway!
For some reason that link didn’t list her name, but here, track 20:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dream-Babes-Vol-Folk-Faithfull/dp/B0000DZHGK