How To Appear Popular.

Rename all of the contacts in your phone with celebrity names. Then leave your phone lying out for someone to find. Chuckle when you say, “Kiki Dunst just loves texting.”

Write inside jokes on your friends’ walls. It doesn’t matter if they’re actually in on the joke. I find Simpsons quotes work well. Just pick a friend’s facebook page and write on it, “I call the big one bitey.” Everyone will read this exchange and think that you and your friend really have something special going. Note: you can do this with someone who isn’t really your friend but you want people to think you’re friends. And voila: instant private joke.

Get as many twitter followers as you can, even if they’re spam robots. If you can’t get lots of followers on twitter then don’t even get a twitter. Tell people, “Once I hit over a thousand followers it just got too difficult to deal with.” Then give a half smile that says something like, “You know how it is” and take a sip of your mocha latte.

When you arrive somewhere crowded alone pretend that you’re waving to your friend across the room. Smile, wave, and shout something like, “Are you going to David’s later?” Then laugh and clap and shake your head like, “Oh, that guy.” Then get to the bar and start drinking.

Write everything that you’re going to do in your planner but spin it. For example, going to Starbucks becomes coffee date or morning meeting. It’s important to fill your planner on the off chance that someone sees it. You’re going to want to appear busy. Write names under these plans. Find out the name of your favorite barista and put his/her name under “meeting, 10:30.” You’ll know what it really means but other people won’t. Patrick Bateman did something like this when he told Detective Kimball that he had a meeting at The Four Seasons with Cliff Huxtable. It’s just what people do.

Photograph everything you do and then put it on Facebook and then tag everyone and yourself. People will think, “Marcy sure does have a lot of friends and exciting things that she’s doing.” Maybe don’t photograph everything but just the events in which you’re dressed nicely and out with others. Don’t photograph yourself with your cat and then tag your cat. Everyone knows that cats don’t have Facebook profiles. Cats still use MySpace.

If you do all of these things then you will either be the most popular kid in town or the least. Ow, my eye! I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!

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14 thoughts on “How To Appear Popular.

  1. longredcape

    When I was trying to figure out if I could text myself I saved my own number into my phone as George Clooney. That's as far as I got on that one.

  2. katie <>

    i instantly adored this blog when i started reading it. : )
    keep writing!!

    also..have you referenced Arrested Development before? because i've found one seems incredibly hip whilst quoting anything from it.. endless inside jokes ensue.

  3. Dinah

    Together we've been collecting the finer things in life. Things like designer hats, classic out of print novels, and laced stamps.

  4. dinah

    OH DEAR. I DON'T THINK THAT'S REALLY MY ACCOUNT. I HAS TOO MANY.

    No wonder I'm late. Why, this watch is exactly two days slow!

  5. closet365

    Brilliant as always. Both my cats have Facebook profiles, but I already knew I was a loser when I set them up. I can't take it back now.

  6. Ashley E.S.

    i have to try that whole pretending to wave at a friend in the crowded room thing. this was very funny. And the whole "cats still have myspace" line is the stand-out of this post. I may even quote it on your facebook page in an attempt to appear popular and make it seem like we have an inside joke. i love the way you think!

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