How To Avoid Getting Too Drunk.

@TallulahFlyte on Twitter suggested that I do a post on how to avoid getting too drunk at holiday parties. Since I apparently know a lot about getting drunk and drinking, I am more than happy to offer my advice. See, I’m a writer, so it’s totally cool if I drink during the day. Perhaps I haven’t earned the right to drink like I’ve written the great American novel, but let me tell you something, apparently Jonathan Franzen has and the dude is duller than child scissors. I like my writers opinionated, classy, and yet hilariously drunk. The actual writing is incidental.

It’s the season of holiday parties, and you should have fun, responsibly. It’s tempting, especially in an awkward social situation (like a work party or a party where that dude shows up you dated a while ago but then stopped dating because he loved Journey a little too much) where you think, “Boy do I need a cocktail!” No one would think twice if you said this in the 60s, but now in these hyper sensitive times of awareness and education and Cee Lo Green, everyone is really quick to ask you if you have a problem. You go up to a bartender and ask for vodka on the rocks and he stares at you and says, “Really?” and I have to say, “I’m German and Italian, I can handle it.” Then you go to another bar and ask for an Old Fashioned because that’s what Don Draper drinks and the bartender says it’s a “girly drink” before serving you up the worst goddamn Old Fashioned you’ve ever had, something that tastes like Hawaiian Punch.

Anyway. As soon as you get to the party, get a drink. Then get some food. Then stretch that drink over the course of several hours. Then eat more food. Eat something with heavy cheese or meat. Preferably both. If you’re going to have one drink, make sure that you know you can handle it and that you’re planning on staying there for a while. Last night I drank Brandy and earned the nickname Angela Lansbury and then ate a frozen hash brown, and so what? It’s called being responsible. Also if you’ve been sick for a few days but you think you’re well enough to sing karaoke, you are wrong. Now you’re back in bed watching seven episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and you realize that you’ve seen these episodes before and you don’t even care.

We all know that drinking makes people more attractive, unless these people are Mel Gibson. If you are around Mel Gibson and he is around alcohol, you should just save everybody time and call the police. By the time you hang up the phone he’s going to be cursing Jews and stomping on houseplants like he’s King Kong all the while panting and screaming. Do you want to be the Mel Gibson at someone’s Christmas party? Sure, it sounds funny now, but someone is going to record that shit on their phone and people will be appalled. You could also wind up at the bottom of a swimming pool because the backyard is poorly lit and you didn’t realize that you were about to walk into water. So. If you see a cute guy, stop and think, is he cute, or is he cute because I’m drunk? A good way to test this is to think about who would play him in a movie. Think of the actor before you start drinking, and then think about if it’s the same actor once you’ve started. If you’ve gone from say, Ernest Borgnine to Adrien Brody, then you are drunk and should stop.

But the real question is, how do you keep yourself from drinking too much when there’s so many delicious free drinks hanging out and everyone is merry and you’re all learning the true meaning of Christmas? Picture a cop walking in on you and observing your behavior. Does the idea freak you out? Then stick to one. Now picture your parents. Do they look disappointed? Stick to one. Do you vomit easily? Stick to one. Because the thing is, this shit is all going to wear off. That’s the important thing to remember. What’s fun now might be horrifying the next day. It’s all about keeping perspective. Just because it’s Christmas and/or New Year’s doesn’t mean that you have to drink everything in sight. The party does stop, Ke$ha. It stops.

Fame In The Club (DJ Milenko Mashup) — 50 Cent Vs David Bowie

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37 thoughts on “How To Avoid Getting Too Drunk.

  1. Suburban Sweetheart

    Well, this may just be the best blog post of all damn time. If only for the line “Last night I drank Brandy and earned the nickname Angela Lansbury and then ate a frozen hash brown, and so what?”

    But it’s not only for that. Well done, my friend, well done.

  2. Eva Leroca

    OMG! You’re sooo true!! I like the idea about figure out who could be the nice guy in a movie… I will put that in practice, sure. Thanks a lot for all the advices!
    Eva 😉

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  4. tawniethetiger

    you should have specified that this post was for CHRISTMAS parties…or at least i hope it was…cause once new years comes around…all that watching how much youre drinking goes right out the door.

    for christmas parties you limit your drinking so youre okay to drive home.
    for new years you have no intention of going home at all. hehehee.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Dude New Years is the night when I want to go home the most. By the end of the evening I’m thinking, “I cannot handle any more drunk people right now, I just want to go home and watch BH 90210.”

  5. filleosophy

    When my best friend and I were 19, we would drink at her apartment and then smoke all of our cigarettes and realize that we needed to walk to the gas station at three in the morning to buy more. The only problem is that the gas station was on the other side of an overpass [with a sidewalk, but still]. Of course we went.

    However, on the way there the first time, we came to the realization that if a police officer were to include the overpass in his three a.m. patrol and happen to see two young and slightly wobbly girls making their way to the 7-11, he might want to know just what in the fuck we were doing.

    So that night, we came up with our excuse — “We were drugged.” As we made the journey, we coordinated the details in case we were put in separate questioning rooms to have our stories scrutinized — we said that a guy named Connor put something in our drinks at a party where all we did was drink Sprite, inspired by the poem “Somebody Should Have Taught Him,” featured in the tear-jerking anthology “Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul.” Anyway, so we escaped from the party and we were obviously stressed, so we were heading to the gas station for smokes to alleviate the tension of the evening. It was totally plausible!

    It later became the benchmark for how we knew we’d had enough — we would ask ourselves, “Does ‘I was drugged’ sound like a valid excuse for my behavior right now? Yes? No more vodka, then.”

    I miss those days.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      OH MY GOD BEST STORY EVER. That Conner. This one time Conner invited me to this party and when I got there it wasn’t a party at all, it was a Burger King. YOU JUST CAN’T TRUST THAT GUY!

  6. Zoe

    I HOWLED when reading this… haha, from now on when I’m getting tipsy at a party I will just be panicking and thinking “I don’t want to be the Mel Gibson at this party”

    “The party does stop, Ke$ha. It stops.”

    You slay me.

  7. Tallulah Flyte

    This comment’s suuuper late in delivery, but thanks to your expertise my holidays were (Huzzah!) a Mel Gibson-free success!

    Oh, & you’re hilarious & I LOVE YOU.

  8. Christina

    Initially I read Jonathan Franzen as Jonathan Frakes and I was simultaneously outraged and dumbfounded that I’d been a bad librarian and geek and missed Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Commander Riker writing a book. But then I reread and was relieved, I have no attachment to Franzen. Carry on and happy new year, feel better!

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  10. Felipe

    udu, ażeby oblec się
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  14. Alley G.

    Funny you should mention comparing guys to actors, because I did do that. I flattered this guys ego by telling him he looked like a better version of Alex O’Loughlin (Hawaii 5-0 remake tall Australian guy). The sad truth was, even sober, he really did.

  15. dillon

    hey, i have to say, i really disagree with this post, going somewhere and having just one drink? unless this one drink happens to be a pint of whiskey i dont think one drink is enough. i mean im not bragging here, im just saying its not uncommom for me to kill a half g of tater whiskey plus a case of beer in a weekend. that may be a lot, but my friends dont give me too much crap. i mean my biological clock wakes me up about 8am when im off work, and they dont get up until about 10 or 11 saturday morning, so between when i get up and when they do i get lonely and start drinking again. i very rarely get hangovers either. just trying to say, i think its okay to have more than one drink at a party.

  16. Brian Freese

    So, I saw the title of this article on the side, and I love your articles, but after reading the title of this one I skipped straight down to the comment section and began typing. Like I’m doing right now.

    Anyway.

    Never in the history of ever have I thought to myself, “self, I wish I were less drunk right now.”

    That is all.

Comments are closed.