How To Tell If You’re Drunk.

In this fast-paced word of venti lattes and iphones and google and facebook and Cee Lo Green it’s easy to get overwhelmed and sometimes we have to ask ourselves, “Wait, am I drunk?” Here’s a handy guide for when you’re just not sure:

— You have an overwhelming urge to text everyone you know.

— If someone walks in on you peeing in the bathroom you just smile, wave, and say, “HELLO! WELCOME TO MY TOILET ROOM!”

— You freak out if the bartender takes a smoking break.

— You ask people to guess how old you are.

— You can go hours with a reduced vocabulary of “YEEEEAAHHH!”, “WHOOOOOO!” and loud high-fives.

— It suddenly seems like the perfect time to talk about your screenplay.

— You have a spirited conversation with five people about Goldeneye for N64. (“Facility is the best level!!!!!”)

— Tears for Fears actually inspires tears and fears.

— You find yourself thinking, “Holy shit I would love to hear some Billy Joel right now.”

— Cheese fries.

— “Hey, seriously though, why isn’t that guy talking to me? I mean I don’t care I just want to know. Really, what the fuck is his problem? Where did he go? Why isn’t he talking to me? No, fuck him! Fuck him! I’m awesome! I’m the best person here! I have the best hair!”

— Everyone looks like someone famous. But the famous people look ugly.

— You look at your boyfriend and think, “There is no way I am marrying this man if he doesn’t want to have a bouncy castle at the reception.”

— Then you tell him.

— Then you act like you were joking.

— Then he can tell that you weren’t joking and you start crying.

— 6 minute remixes of Katy Perry songs are awesome.

— You lost your lip gloss and you’re not even mad.

— You say, “I’m not drunk, I swear.”

Basically if you’re not sure if you’re drunk, you’re probably drunk.

Fuck You (Chiddy Bang Remix) — Cee Lo Green

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26 thoughts on “How To Tell If You’re Drunk.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Probably because your friends are like me. I am your friend. You ain’t never had a friend like me. Spoiler alert: the Genie sings a song titled “Friend Like Me” in Aladdin. Sorry!!!!!

  1. Linnea

    “You ask people to guess how old you are.” — Haha, guilty as charged. The guy guessed 19, I TURN TWENTYSEVEN IN THREE WEEKS. Obviously I wasn’t the only one drunk there but I didn’t really have time to take that in ’cause I was busy with internally going “YEEEEAAHHH!”, “WHOOOOOO!” and having my left cerebral hemisphere repeatedly high-five my right. I felt like I’d won something, ahhh! (*cough*YOUTH*cough*) I can’t wait to be drunk again!

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  3. Shandra

    According to this I’ve never been drunk… unless I am actually drunk all the time because I am always jonesing for some Billy Joel. Chalk it up to being from Long Island.

    One to add:
    – You seriously do have trouble controlling the VOLUME of you VOICE.

  4. Michael

    this is beyond amazing, and sums me up at a bar to perfection. except i have this recent habit of quoting (or rather screaming with emphatic hand gestures) Oprah. ex: letting everyone know they’re going to Australia.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      “YOU’RE. GETTING. BEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!” (did you see the Conan video? otherwise this makes no sense.)

  5. sara

    UM, the other comment sucks because i put some misinformation and anyway blahblah dont know how to delete it BUT YOU ARE HILARIOUS HOLY SHITTTT

  6. tawniethetiger

    #1 tears for fears always inspires tears and fears…damn that band just knows how to cut you with their words!

    #2 drunk or not…its always a good time for cheese fries!!

    #3 i DO have the best hair!!

    and finally #4 how about we recap how drunk i wasnt and how drunk my friends were last thursday…one walked into the house with no shoes, his hood ripped off his hoodie, screaming about how people were going to kill him…and the other threw up in the kitchen and then pooped all over the toilet seat. AND THIS IS WHY IM ALWAYS THE DD!! why would i ever wanna be that drunk?!

  7. Liza@Blahggy

    Brilliant. The high five one and the screenplay one were my personal favorites. If you’re in LA, I’d like to add that you think it’s the best idea EVER to put on sunglasses and try to sneak into the Chateau Marmont.

  8. codie

    The best part of my night was coming across your blog, via indie exchange. You are rad!

  9. funny wild girl

    I can tell if I’m drunk cos I feel that I like all the guys I’ve met at the bar and I want them to f**k me…….I’m kinda bit of a wild side……hehehhe

    1. Breno

      […] I’ve been tihkning about fear. Some interesting blog posts here and here and here got me tihkning a lot about the subject, and I revisited an earlier article of mine that […]

  10. Kierra

    A guy asked me how old I was and I’m like guesss lol and I told him things he didn’t really need to know!

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  12. C

    Drunk dialing, texting, emailing, swearing, smoking (anything), friendliness towards anything or anyone, cooking or eating greasy food, drinking more, staying up until 3-5AM, only getting in your car to drive for two things – more BAC (beer and cigarettes), extreme horniness, loneliness, and thought patterns. When you learn to drink alone, you’ve perfected the drunk lifestyle, and you know it’s finally time to get help, or better yet, help yourself.

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  14. Alexandria G.

    ..And if you know you’re drunk (publicly announce it), then you are hammered, wasted, bumping into shit drunk.

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