Why is it so hard for me to do this? Is it depression? Laziness? Is it a desire to seem deep and mysterious, sitting my dark apartment with wine and this melancholy mix (or something) as my soundtrack? And please feel free to suggest songs that I can add to it, because I welcome everything now.
I do not understand why I choose to not do things and choose to do others. The easiest way to fail is to do what you have always done. Unless of course you have been doing well. Soaring over our heads. If you are doing well, and I hope that you are, you should tell me how you are doing it. But in a way that is not a lecture. In school when I had to sit in lectures I would draw cartoons of pigs in my notebook. Ask Dave, he will tell you that it is true. I do not know if Dave is even reading this. But if he is, he will vouch for me. My pig doodles are what started our friendship. I did not know this until years later.
Any great writer, artist, musician, even some actors, reached the levels we dream of because of talent, hard work, and discipline. I used to have all of those things. I believe that I still have talent, in the way that people believe in The Secret. There is a strange comfort in sitting here, thinking about wasting my talent in this dark old apartment, staring at the mess that is on this table I am typing on. I wish that computer keyboards clacked louder. That would be an improvement for struggling writers everywhere. It’s hearing the click of those keys that convinces us that we are working. The “CLICK CLICK FUCK YOU CLICK CLICK CLANG FUCK OFF CLACK CLACK” that comes with the hard press and release of old keyboard keys of Fitzgerald typewriters and 90’s computers.
I want to be Fiona Apple.
I can’t tell you how to do it, because I sure as hell ain’t. But I CAN tell you that you’re not alone? For me, “writing” is this fucked up thing that sustains me and yet paralyzes me. I haven’t figured it out yet.
The important thing is, you’re writing. Even if it’s about struggle and darkness. Because what’s a writer without a little torture? Eh? EHHH? Ugh.
Iiiiii just wanna feeeeeeel everything.
Have you seen her video btw? It’s amazing.
Writing is so weird. So solitary. Good to know someone else is out there. I feel the same that you do.
I can’t believe I hadn’t seen the video yet, but now I have. And it’s tits. I saw her live two weeks ago and I’m still in recovery from the awesome.
I was in the same place a couple months ago. But, to be honest, writing about how sad I was and about the things that were wrong or making me angry in my life, only added to my sorrow. My sister finally told me to suck it up and just act happy; to do the things I did when I was happiest in my life. It worked. I got out of my dark apartment, I stopped drinking so much, I went to the beach, spent time with friends, went on a few bad (but hilarious) dates, focused on enjoying work, starting working out again, eating better, and I reached out to friends I hadn’t seen in a while. At first, it sucked. I hated being at parties, I hated making conversation, I hated getting dressed up. But after about a month of forcing myself to act and appear happy, I actually started to feel that way again. As time separated me from my break up, I realized what an awesome life & friends I have, and now I don’t need to pretend anymore. I’m happy again.
I read somewhere that when you smile – even totally fake-smiling – your facial muscles send a message to your brain to release some of the same endorphins that you’d be feeling if you were legitimately happy. It sounds totally counterintuitive, but “fake it til you make it” probably works in a lot of cases.
Do you use spotify? I can send you some melancholy stuff on there.
Also, I hope you choose to join me and my friend for a drink or dinner when I visit your ‘hood this October. Would be nice to meet you after all these years, especially since my friend Anita gotta meet ya in Vegas.
Oh, the melancholy…I’ve been thinking so much lately about how I lack the discipline to achieve all the shit I want to do. I’ve been selfish and unwilling to give up my free time, blog trolling, television watching, etc. etc. Also: “There is a strange comfort in sitting here, thinking about wasting my talent in this dark old apartment, staring at the mess that is on this table I am typing on.” Yes. So much yes.
So I don’t have a lot of important answers, but I DO have a way for you to get that click-click on your keyboard… Wrote a story for GeekSugar last week on the Noisy Typer app: http://www.geeksugar.com/Noisy-Typer-OS-X-App-24030656
IT’S AMAZING.
P.S. You’re legit my fave.
Hooolllllyyyy oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god what what what what what
thank you, thank you for everything!!
It isn’t working, should I restart my computer?
Maybe! It might also be for a certain OS X version or something — so crazy, though, right?!
Girl. GURL. I feel ya. I just moved my blog to tumblr so I could feel like I was writing when I posted pictures of hamburgers. Suffice to say, kudos you for just writing. Because when you just do it, it always feels a little more conquerable then, doesn’t it? Hope it seems that way to you now
That’s funny you say you want to be Fiona Apple because I want to be Almie Rose. So by the transitive property of wannabes, I guess I want to be Fiona Apple too!
Looking for melancholy? Simon and Garfunkel are always good. The Boxer, My Little Town, Kathy’s Song, etc.